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Original poster

Can a hoarder and a minimalist work?

60 replies

Minimalistmini · 20/01/2021 19:52

Not the biggest issue in the world, I know, but after some opinions. Started seeing someone a few months ago. I've been single for quite a long time, and I'm not sure if I'm being too fussy (is there such a thing). Anyway we're very much in the getting to know each other, have fun stage of things but there is one thing about him that I have an issue with. I'm very minimalist, like space and tidiness, and he is the opposite. His house is very cluttered, random charity shop furniture, ornaments donated by various relatives, almost dead plants, just stuff. Now there's nothing wrong with living like that, but his house makes me feel a bit stressed and I've never asked him, but I wonder if mine does the same to him. I've started to wonder if there is some underlying psychological reason why we've both chosen to live the way we do, and if in the long term we will turn out to be incompatible. Any thoughts?

OP posts:

BornIn78 · 20/01/2021 19:54

No.

There’s no middle ground that will leave both parties happy between a hoarder and a minimalist.

DDIJ · 20/01/2021 19:54

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

catinb00tz · 20/01/2021 19:55

unmarkedbythat · 20/01/2021 19:57

I'm not a hoarder but I am far from minimalist and am quite messy. I'd be miserable trying to do without my stuff and be super tidy. I bet a minimalist would be miserable trying to live in my preferred surroundings.

RandomMess · 20/01/2021 19:57

Is he really a hoarder or someone that is a bit sentimental and likes "stuff".

I had a lot of stuff, DH minimalist and tidy and we work together. We have found a middle ground nearer to minimalist than cluttered and untidy.

I struggled to let stuff go and now I don't but I was never a hoarder.

hashbrownsandwich · 20/01/2021 19:58

Yes. I am a minimalist to the point my friends have always joked that my house looks like I've been burgled.
My DH was the polar opposite when we met, he lived in a flaky old cottage, had all sorts of antique shit and kept everything. He was like that for 12 years and he saw no reason to change.
I genuinely remember questioning how this could ever work.
I suppose it helped he moved in with me and my kids, in that because we didn't need 2 of everything we could chuck a lot of things away.
4 years on and he's finally accepted he doesn't need the 8 boxes of glasses/tat that has been in the garage untouched for 4 years.

Jumpers268 · 20/01/2021 20:05

It depends on whether he's actually a hoarder. My house is a bit cluttered and I have far too much stuff but I'm not a hoarder, just not fussed.

AnitaB888 · 20/01/2021 20:05

Sorry but I'll have to go with 'no'.

Clutter makes me feel ill, plus I can't hoover/dust with stuff all over the place.
There is a reason for being (reasonably) tidy and that is so you can find items when you need them.

HouseyHouse21 · 20/01/2021 20:06

It depends.

Is his house like that because he has na emotional attachment to the clutter, or is it because he's been too unmotivated / unable to sort it out for some reason? I.e. if someone offered to declutter it for him, would he object?

If the former, then I think it would be very difficult to ever get him to compromise. But if he just doesn't 'see' clutter or is lazy (but not a clinical hoarder) then perhaps he can be trained to? Or more likely, you could just give him his own space that he can have his random objects in.

AwkwardAsAllGetout · 20/01/2021 20:10

It’s a constant struggle. Dh has hoarding tendencies and it’s been the main source of conflict in our marriage tbh. It’s not huge amounts of stuff anymore but it’s the constant buying things because they’re ‘worth something’ and he’ll put it on ebay, which then never happens. It’s frustrating and it makes me feel that he doesn’t respect our home and space the way he should. If he was single he’d live in an absolute tip. He did before we were together and it’s always there under the surface. He’s a good, kind man, but it runs deep for him. Definately linked to his shitty childhood I think

PearlescentIridescent · 20/01/2021 20:10

I think it actually is a big deal. Your home effects your mental health in a big way so I think it's very important to feel comfortable in your environment.

I like things tidy but I'm still the messier scruffier one.

We both like things clean and tidy and for everything to "have a home". I couldn't live with someone who wanted to clutter up all the space and I couldn't live with someone who would want me to get rid of or put away my cute things that I like out on the walls and shelves and stuff.

So for the two more extreme ends of the spectrum, I'd say home life would be kind of miserable. Because if you define yourself as either that also means you're very unlikely to be ambivalent to the state of your home either.

SweatyBetty20 · 20/01/2021 20:11

I think it has a chance if 1) there’s a home for everything, and 2) if he isn’t one of those true hoarders who has a panic attack if you throw away a newspaper from 17 years ago.

We don’t live together but I’m the minimalist and my boyfriend is the opposite. He had an attic, shed, garage, and cellar all full of stuff as well as a three bed house that he lives with his kids in. We used to spend all his free time at mine and when he asked why I said his stuff made me feel overwhelmed.

We both too a week off and went through all his stuff apart from the kids room. A room of tatty craft stuff, twenty sets of bicycle wheels, bike frames, surf boards, tech stuff, mountaineering kit, camping gear - you name it - a lifetime of stuff.

It took us all week but we had a purge, ebayed, freecycled and got a skip. It’s now much better and easier on the eye - lots of storage boxes in the cellar and garage, all neatly labelled and easy to find. He had stuff he forgot he even owned. I ended up with a gorgeous pair of frighteningly expensive carbon wheels for my bike out of it too. We also have a rule - nothing bought unless something is sold, given away or tipped.

Daydreamsinglorioustechnicolor · 20/01/2021 20:17

As PP say I think this would be very hard as there is no middle ground.
But first find out if he actually prefers his living environment as it is, or if he's one of these people who doesn't really think about it much? If the latter it could work if he's happy to live tidier.

Redburnett · 20/01/2021 20:18

No.

AgeLikeWine · 20/01/2021 20:18

Is he an actual hoarder? There is a difference between ‘a lot of stuff’ and ‘a lot of junk’.

If he simply owns more stuff than you, the relationship might be doable, if both of you are prepared to compromise. If he genuinely struggles to get rid of stuff which is, by any reasonable criteria, junk (eg broken electrical appliances, piles of old newspapers & magazines) you have got a real problem, and living together is going to end in tears.

Gncq · 20/01/2021 20:19

I think in this sort of dynamic it's always the minimalist who has to suffer more.

If you were to ever move in together, the hoarder find 1001 reasons to keep all the crap
"I'm not throwing that away" / "But that belonged to my grandfather" / "that might be really useful one day" / "stop being so mean making me get rid of things I love and cherish"

Whereas a minimalist will be like ok well there's a spare shelf, cupboard, garage space etc for x amount which turns into xxxx amount and ends up being the one making all the compromise.

vivavino · 20/01/2021 20:26

He's not a hoarder from your description, that is a bit like my house with lots of things that have been inherited. A bit of a mismatch but characterful and full of soul. We'd never buy anything that can be reused from an attic.
If he's stacking rubbish and refusing to part with cardboard boxes then you might have problems. If it's that he's a bit country house old school and you are Hinch all brand new and matching then maybe you can see each other's points of view, although I would hate to live in those new new new rooms.

titchy · 20/01/2021 20:29

Yes as long as you never live together.

AnotherEmma · 20/01/2021 20:32

No.

I am minimalist and DH is not exactly a hoarder in the strict sense of the word, but he keeps a lot of stuff and doesn't seem to mind clutter. It has been a source of tension over the years and to be completely blunt I have disliked our home and resented him for his part in it. I have to accept the clutter really because I don't have the time or energy to fight about getting rid of it or just get rid of it myself (two young kids). He has improved a bit over the years but it's been a battle and we're still not where I'd like to be.

If I ever find myself single again, I won't live with a man again. I fantasise about having my own home and space that I'm completely in charge of

I wouldn't rule out a relationship though, I just wouldn't want to live together.

The ideal would be houses right next to each other I think

Turnedouttoes · 20/01/2021 20:33

As a minimalist who lives with a minimalist I would say no. There’s no way I could live with DP if he was the type to leave things out of place.
Interestingly MIL is a complete hoarder which I think is partly why he is the way he is. I feel ill and anxious just going inside her house, there’s no way I could live somewhere like that.

StiffyByng1 · 20/01/2021 20:34

No.

PatsyJStone · 20/01/2021 20:41

I was in a relationship with a minimalist, wasn’t great in that respect as I am a low level hoarder. Not dangerously so but he believed stuff I had wasn’t necessary. Once threw some kitchen stuff out because he decided we didn’t need it. But I’d bought it and it only took up a tiny space. Didn’t mention it just did it. I wasn’t allowed anything on the walls, there was no storage of any sort in the lounge, only windowsill on which to put a couple of pictures. He would pick up something and say ‘do you need this? Can I throw it away?’ Not magazines and newspapers from 10 years ago, or tat, or anything that could be classed as useless. If we were putting anything in the loft of mine he would throw it in, really carelessly, had a lack of respect for my belongings if he didn’t see the point of them. It wasn’t a good match in that respect and there was definitely resentment on my part. When we moved he made me throw something away that had particular sentimentally, I’ve never forgiven that. There are some other items that I’ve never found, I’m convinced he threw them out he denies it but they never turned up. I wouldn’t mind but they didn’t take up much room, we had a big house and lots of space and a big garage. We aren’t together now and I’m with someone who’s a lot more relaxed and laughs at my hoarding, it doesn’t bother him and I have lots of photos on our walls now!

AnotherEmma · 20/01/2021 20:44

@PatsyJStone
That's not minimalist, that's downright nasty and joyless

Karwomannghia · 20/01/2021 20:45

If he’s messy it will be a constant wearing source of stress for you.

gannett · 20/01/2021 20:51

DP is a neat freak and I'm a slattern by nature and we've survived via compromise and me getting my own bit of the house for my brand of organised chaos. We still butt heads every so often when he puts something away that I then need to spend 5 hours looking for, or when I absent-mindedly pile things up on a table, but fundamentally we accept this is who the other person is.

Given what I've since learned about his need for things to be tidy, I am amazed he stuck with me given the state of my place before we moved in together.

Not as extreme as minimalist vs hoarder though!

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