Can a hoarder and a minimalist work?

[Minimalistmini]

Not the biggest issue in the world, I know, but after some opinions. Started seeing someone a few months ago. I've been single for quite a long time, and I'm not sure if I'm being too fussy (is there such a thing). Anyway we're very much in the getting to know each other, have fun stage of things but there is one thing about him that I have an issue with. I'm very minimalist, like space and tidiness, and he is the opposite. His house is very cluttered, random charity shop furniture, ornaments donated by various relatives, almost dead plants, just stuff. Now there's nothing wrong with living like that, but his house makes me feel a bit stressed and I've never asked him, but I wonder if mine does the same to him. I've started to wonder if there is some underlying psychological reason why we've both chosen to live the way we do, and if in the long term we will turn out to be incompatible. Any thoughts?

Yes, AnotherEmma, thanks, I think you’re right. The item when we moved house that he insisted we got rid of broke my heart. I wish I could get over it. Anyway, I am much happier now, I know it will never happen again.
😊

i would want to get to know him more. I had tonnes of clutter and have spent years decluttering it because I want to be more like you and I’m getting there, so he could be like me. On the other hand I was married to a hoarder who kept old furniture, computers, a broken washing machine, 1970s curtains and bedding. He hated me even giving away a broken washing machine, someone like that I wouldn’t want to be with now, but it doesn’t sound like you’re describing someone like that.

A lot of men aren't that bothered about their place (yes, I know, Mumsnet sin) and it's more inertia than anything.

Also 'hoarder' is quite a loaded word. Genuine hoarders tend to have MH issues, usually due to awful childhoods or traumatic experiences. And there are several different types/degrees of 'hoarder'.

I think you should just talk to him. Ask him how he feels about your place, if he can relax there, likes your stuff etc. Just odd questions, not a big deep & meaningful. Ask him if he could design his dream home what would it be like etc. Keep getting to know him.

But if at the end if it he's happy with a make do, collection of random old stuff & you prefer a much more matching streamline place then it's probably going to cause more heart ache than happiness.

PatsyJStone
In a light-hearted way I read your post and the two phrases that leapt out at me were "I'd bought it and it only took up a tiny space" and "I wouldn't mind but they didn't take up much room" making my teeth itch...

Having lived with a hoarder, these sorts of phrases are all too familiar!
I'm not picking on you specifically please don't take it this way, but as a "sufferer" of a DP who is a hoarder the phrase "but it only takes up a tiny space" is literally rage-inducing in the context of this being said about thousands of useless things.

It might work for some people, but definitely not for me. I can’t abide clutter or keeping unnecessary stuff.

Clear work surfaces, a place for everything and very organised storage is how I keep my house. It’s stress and clutter free and easy to clean.

I have a friend who moved house twice and just took all her stuff and clutter with her. Most of it is stored in her garage and she keeps it ‘just in case I need it’. She hasn’t needed any of it in about 10 years!

My DM’s house, garage and loft is the same. She still has her wedding dress from 30 years ago and all my school books from 40 odd years ago. I just don’t get it? What is the purpose of keeping pointless stuff.

It depends on how old you are but given you say you’ve been single a long time I’m guessing you’re not that young - no offence!

If you’re both 20 then you might be able to grow together to a healthy compromise but if you’re 30 then, no. At 30 it’s more than just teenage junk, it’s actually his way of life.

No I dont think it would work. I can't see how it could. Unless you were prepared to be a bit less minimalist and him to be tidier and have less stuff.

No.

I thought I was shit at housekeeping until my ex left. Then I realised that about 70% of the crap in our house was his. He took every last thing, the thought of chucking it caused the most amazing rows.

I love walking into a room with almost nothing in it, it gives me peace. It will cause you incredible amounts of stress to live with that, made worse because he wont see the problem.

His way isnt wrong, neither is yours, but I really dont think that they are compatible.

My DM’s house, garage and loft is the same. She still has her wedding dress from 30 years ago and all my school books from 40 odd years ago. I just don’t get it? What is the purpose of keeping pointless stuff.

In all fairness, I would keep my wedding dress and I have some of my kids school books (selective as 6 kids so LOTS of books!) so I have no issue with keeping things of sentimental value. My sister is the ultimate minimalist and she treasures her wedding dress. IMO somethings are worth more than money.

Depends whether you want to live together or not really...

I’m not a hoarder, but I am pretty much the opposite of minimalist, I have a fair amount of random ornaments and a fairly ridiculous amount of things like books and shoes - they’re all tidied away, not just in piles or anything, lol. But I would probably stress out someone who wants minimalism.

Doesn’t bother me in the slightest to spend time in a bare house though, but I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live like that.

Is it really hoarding or is he just lazy? Or is it that he just doesn't care about his surroundings? Is he waiting for a woman to create him a pleasant living environment (that she will have to maintain)?

It would be a deal breaker for me. I just think of all the housework that would be dumped on me because I care about the space and he doesn't and since he doesn't care, he doesn't have to do any housework.

Thanks for all the responses. Quite a mixed bag. I dont think it's laziness, his house is clean, and he isn't hanging on to old cardboard boxes or newspapers because he wont throw them away so it's not excessive hoarding. I think he just likes to have things whereas I like space. For example, his living room is stuffed full of furniture and niknaks whereas mine is quite sparsely decorated. There have also been a couple of times when he's pulled something out a cupboard and said something like 'oh my mum gave me this years ago and I never use it' and my immediate thought is why havent you sold / given it away then, but he shows no desire to get rid of it (I dont mean sentimental things, and his parents are still in good health, but odd crokery or kitchen ware).

My DM’s house, garage and loft is the same. She still has her wedding dress from 30 years ago and all my school books from 40 odd years ago. I just don’t get it? What is the purpose of keeping pointless stuff.

My parents are the same and it's not like they ever get my old school books or mums moth eaten damp mould covered wedding dress out and look a them, or any of the other old crap they've kept.

I'm not a bit interested in my old school books or any of the other old shit they've got, but beyond "keeping" it, neither are they!

When the time comes that I'm left to clear their house it'll all be going straight into a skip.

I agree with PyongyangKipperbang about the wedding dress think. I am minimalist but still have my wedding dress. So maybe not hardcore minimalist! Even Marie Kondo lets you keep things that "bring you joy"

@BornIn78

My DM’s house, garage and loft is the same. She still has her wedding dress from 30 years ago and all my school books from 40 odd years ago. I just don’t get it? What is the purpose of keeping pointless stuff.

My parents are the same and it's not like they ever get my old school books or mums moth eaten damp mould covered wedding dress out and look a them, or any of the other old crap they've kept.

I'm not a bit interested in my old school books or any of the other old shit they've got, but beyond "keeping" it, neither are they!

When the time comes that I'm left to clear their house it'll all be going straight into a skip.

Absolutely. All this ‘I keep it for sentimental reason’ is just crackers.

No one goes in their loft and tries the dress on or looks at it every week and the same with the school books. My loft is empty except for my Christmas tree and I sold my wedding dress on EBay a week after I came back from honeymoon.

My DF is the same with all the crap in his garage. He buys stuff at auction, with the intention of selling it and it stays in his garage for years. He bought a big job lot of computer printers at auction and asked me if he could store them in my garage until he sold them (his is full). That was a big fat NO from me. I told him to sell or get rid of the junk and crap he had in his garage before he continued to buy more crap.

@AnotherEmma

I agree with PyongyangKipperbang about the wedding dress think. I am minimalist but still have my wedding dress. So maybe not hardcore minimalist! Even Marie Kondo lets you keep things that "bring you joy"

It doesn’t bring you joy if it is stuck in the loft for years gathering dust.

Am I imagining you getting it out of the loft every weekend and dancing round the house in it 😂

The thought of it being there brings me joy 🤣

Honestly it's the only pointless thing I'm intentionally hanging on to, and I will probably get rid of it if we do a loft conversion or move house, but for now I'm happy knowing it's there!

My mum used to take books to the charity shop and me and my dad would buy them back. She's bloody awful for that sort of thing still: thinks that if she has decided something isn't needed, then it categorically isn't needed and if the owner disagrees, they are hoarding. I had a complete collection of Minx magazine boxed up and labelled in the loft, every single one from the free preview issue edition that came out with a copy of More to the very last one, with all the freebies and inserts and so on for every one. She threw that out randomly one day "because what do you need that for?" Why does everything have to be about need? And why do (some) minimalists feel a superiority towards stuff lovers? I don't get it.

I’m finding it quite interesting that people are saying they’re stressed by other people’s houses tbh.

Unless someone’s house is really unclean and you’re expected to eat or drink things, or they’re real proper hoarders where it’s an actual issue - I can’t imagine even caring what other people’s houses are like, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest if I’m in someone else’s house whether they’ve got no stuff or loads.

Relationships are different obviously - because at some point you might want to live together, but visiting relatives or whatever?...

Clutter stresses me out and the longer I'm in the house, the more it stresses me. Staying at PILs for a week at a time, for example, and trying to find space for my stuff in the bedroom or bathroom, or looking for a hairdryer or something...

@tabulahrasa

I’m finding it quite interesting that people are saying they’re stressed by other people’s houses tbh.

Unless someone’s house is really unclean and you’re expected to eat or drink things, or they’re real proper hoarders where it’s an actual issue - I can’t imagine even caring what other people’s houses are like, it doesn’t bother me in the slightest if I’m in someone else’s house whether they’ve got no stuff or loads.

Relationships are different obviously - because at some point you might want to live together, but visiting relatives or whatever?...

I find MIL’s house stressful because there is so much junk all over the place there is no way it can have been cleaned properly in years. If you sit at the table you have to peer around the piles of stuff on top of it to see the other people around it. I have to politely decline all food and drink for fear of germs. I have no idea how washing up gets done as the bowl is always full of old saucepans. If you go to the bathroom you have to move the millions of bottles of shower gels/bubble bath/soap to wash your hands or sit on the toilet. It’s also extremely dangerous even walking down the stairs which feel like they’re going to give way underneath you as nothing has been repaired in years as you simply can’t get to it. Oh and then there’s the cats that climb all over you and the furniture which I hate.

Maybe an extreme example but not a relaxing experience at all!

“Staying at PILs for a week at a time, for example, and trying to find space for my stuff in the bedroom or bathroom, or looking for a hairdryer or something... “

See, I usually keep our stuff in the bag/suitcase when I’m in someone else’s house, takes up less room and I can’t misplace things. Also, I never assume anywhere has things like a hairdryer I would want to use, so I take my own if I’m staying anywhere.

Using other people’s kitchens can be hard work, but that doesn’t matter if they’re chaos or have the most organised kitchen ever, because you don’t know their system, so it’s no use to you. But I think that’s no different no matter what type of person you are.

It’s never even occurred to me that me having a fair amount of stuff would bother someone not living in my house, because it makes no odds to me how someone else’s house is.

@unmarkedbythat
What your mum did was bang out of order.
But if your minx mags are all stashed away in the loft what pleasure do you get from them?
Do you take them out and read them occasionally?
When we moved house dh put a huge plastic box of car magazines up the loft. The car he's half built was put in the garage.
Neither has been touched for well over 8 years. And will probably not be touched for another 8 years.
What's the point ?
Just in case lol

“Maybe an extreme example but not a relaxing experience at all!“

To be fair, I did mention I didn’t mean extreme cases... I get that, I more mean clean but cluttered