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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend using lockdown as an excuse not to see me?

54 replies

Littlepony2011 · 20/01/2021 16:25

Hi, I wanted to ask this on here because it's all a bit hard to make sense of when its yourself in the situation and friends and family are biased.

My (30F) "boyfriend" (40M) and I have been together for about a year and a half, a few months ago he broke up with me (not for the first time) then returned after 2 weeks saying the usual, that he was wrong, missed me, things would be different and that we needed eachother more than ever right now due to lockdown. He lives alone so is entitled to a support bubble, which we agreed would be me and he promised he wouldn't be doing anything else. I live with my parents. My mum has survived cancer and pneumonia in the last couple of years and now has a lung condition, so is high risk. My boyfriend has seen fit to not only see me but other family too, he has also agreed to do private little jobs on cars for money and he also arranges to have friends round to do non essential work on his flat. At the point he told me his mate was coming round to fit a carpet for him, I told him it was best if we take some time out if that's what he wants to do, for my mums sake. He said there is no way he is turning down having his carpet done as he has been waiting months. Now he's having his boiler (still working) replaced by another friend. By the time he has done these other things, we won't have seen eachother for a month. We only live a 15 minute drive away. I feel that he doesn't respect me or prioritise our relationship, am I overreacting? I feel very alone, as its lockdown and now I'm just stuck indoors not seeing anyone. When I tell him this he just gets annoyed with me and says it's a pandemic

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 20/01/2021 16:29

I could have stopped reading right there. Your boyfriend is a flake, he's cavalier about your family's safety, and the only thing you can depend on is that he's completely unreliable.

You are wasting your youth on this twat. Why would you do this?

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2021 16:32

Yeah agree with Aquamarine1029

MrsGlitterSparklesHun · 20/01/2021 16:33

Me too

Shoxfordian · 20/01/2021 16:33

No he doesn’t care about you
Dump him

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 16:34

Technically he cant be your support bubble if you dont both live alone...unless no one else comes to visit your parents..?

Anyway, I think you are right in feeling disrespected. He certainly does not see you as a priority.

The seeing other people and coming round anyway when he knew your mum was I'll is so disrespectful. It shpuldnt have taken you to say no to that. He should have known it was not ok. Now it seems like he is punishing you for it.

Not a nice person. You can do better.

booboo24 · 20/01/2021 16:49

He can be her support bubble, he lives alone.....

However OP i agree with everyone else here, I get that he is not breaking any rules by having people in to do work on his flat, but he should be putting the safety of your mum above that. He doesn't seem to be prioritising your relationship at all, and given the fact that he seems to bounce back and forth, I don't think he is that committed sadly. I personally would end this, if not for his shabby treatment of you, then for the carelessness he is showing your mum

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 16:56

He lives alone but she does not. Do he can only be the support person if no one else visits the household (which is not just her but her parents to). Though this may be the case.

seensome · 20/01/2021 17:57

You are not his priority and when you said he had broken up with you in the past is a red flag that he may not be that serious about you.

Original poster

Littlepony2011 · 20/01/2021 18:33

Thanks everyone for your help. It really does help to hear outsiders POV who aren't emotionally involved. It's just really hard to end it you know. I love the guy and when we are good, we're very good but this kind of thing happens a lot, he leaves me feeling lonely and like I'm overreacting and pressuring him. Thanks again.

OP posts:

LockdownLady1 · 20/01/2021 19:11

I’ve just ended a relationship cos my boyfriend has used exactly the same excuse. I live alone as does he and half the time I don’t have my kids so I’m fed up of being on my own. Ended it the other day but feeling crap since but actually after reading your post and peoples replies I realise I was right to do so! Him blaming the pandemic is hard to argue.

LockdownLady1 · 20/01/2021 19:15

And mine had broken up with me too!

We’ll just both have to remind ourselves why it’s better being alone - instead of constantly being let down by someone

elwoodblues · 20/01/2021 19:17

You're a convenience for him. He's not that bothered about you and taking you for granted. He's not breaking any lockdown rules, but it's obviously up to you if you want him to keep away to reduce any risk to your mum.

BettyAndVeronica · 20/01/2021 19:26

He's not that bothered or interested in seeing you. No point being his bit on the side to whatever else is more important for him (getting his carpets done?).

Don't try and fight over his attention to avoid that horrible rejection feeling. Just let it go, you'll be ok.

Original poster

Littlepony2011 · 21/01/2021 09:24

@LockdownLady1

Good on you, stay strong!

OP posts:

Techway · 21/01/2021 09:39

Op, I think you have to listen to your gut instinct. What is his relationship history? A 10 year age gap is reasonable and you are still young enough to meet someone new. I tend to think if he broke up with you before there might be issues as generally not an advocate of going back.

However I don't know if he is using excuses for not seeing you. Some people just have a different view to risk, covid has highlighted this. This might reflect in other areas such as finances so perhaps you are not well suited. Listen to your gut and trust your inner feelings. If it doesn't feel right then trust your instincts.

Itstimetoquit · 21/01/2021 10:17

Doesn't sound good,your young you should move on and eventually you will find someone who does want to spend time with you x

Original poster

Littlepony2011 · 21/01/2021 17:32

I'm very confused, so it's hard to know I guess.
He has only had one other relationship. They were together around 18 years but he said it had pretty much been over for at least 5 and they had separate lives, and he has always just done his own thing anyway and he just got comfortable with that. They had no commitments to eachother other then a flat. This may be why he is so relaxed about time apart and not committing. But, when I met him he was so over the moon to have finally found someone who wanted to spend time with him and he wanted to see me all the time, get married, have a family etc etc. Then all of a sudden, 6 months in he said it's all too much and ended our relationship, of course we have gotten back together since then (more than once) but he has been different ever since. So now I feel that instead of another break up, maybe covid is being used for time out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Littlepony2011 · 21/01/2021 17:40

I realise how toxic thay sounds. However since the last time it happened, he has made some positive changes in the way he treats me and it's been the longest it has been since a breakup so I thought maybe we were done with that, but his attitude over this kinda sucks. I took some time out to think and now he has asked me to talk to him about how I feel again, but from previous conversations he doesn't seem to care enough to do anything about it.

OP posts:

Aalvarino · 21/01/2021 17:47

Ugh. No. I know it's hard to see when you love someone, but this guy doesn't value you enough. You deserve better than someone who's half-hearted and always puts his own wants above yours.

ravenmum · 21/01/2021 17:50

Sounds very much like he only wanted to start it up again because it was convenient in lockdown?

How many times has he ended it? Why did you take him back more than once? Also because of lockdown?

Original poster

Littlepony2011 · 21/01/2021 18:16

5 times he has ended it and I took him back because I love him and each time he promises me it will be different and tells me he wants a future, and wants to spend time with me. Then it changes. This time he has been true to his word with regards to spending time together, but seems like he has taken the first opportunity to be apart, and isn't too bothered, that's how it feels.

OP posts:

ekidmxcl · 21/01/2021 18:20

Just get rid.
You don’t have kids and aren’t married/cohabiting so logistically it’s easy.
He’s doing whatever he wants.

Original poster

Littlepony2011 · 21/01/2021 18:20

Again, I realise that sounds very toxic. I thought this time was different as I had cut contact with him and let him see what life was like without me, he didn't like it and has been better this time so far, that's why this situation has confused me

OP posts:

Aalvarino · 21/01/2021 20:59

But you havent. You took him back. 5 times. You've basically told him you value yourself that little and he is agreeing. I know that cos I've done similar. Please dont be me!

Aalvarino · 21/01/2021 21:00

But it isn't, is what I meant. As in, isn't different.

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