Boyfriend using lockdown as an excuse not to see me?

[Littlepony2011]

Hi, I wanted to ask this on here because it's all a bit hard to make sense of when its yourself in the situation and friends and family are biased.

My (30F) "boyfriend" (40M) and I have been together for about a year and a half, a few months ago he broke up with me (not for the first time) then returned after 2 weeks saying the usual, that he was wrong, missed me, things would be different and that we needed eachother more than ever right now due to lockdown. He lives alone so is entitled to a support bubble, which we agreed would be me and he promised he wouldn't be doing anything else. I live with my parents. My mum has survived cancer and pneumonia in the last couple of years and now has a lung condition, so is high risk. My boyfriend has seen fit to not only see me but other family too, he has also agreed to do private little jobs on cars for money and he also arranges to have friends round to do non essential work on his flat. At the point he told me his mate was coming round to fit a carpet for him, I told him it was best if we take some time out if that's what he wants to do, for my mums sake. He said there is no way he is turning down having his carpet done as he has been waiting months. Now he's having his boiler (still working) replaced by another friend. By the time he has done these other things, we won't have seen eachother for a month. We only live a 15 minute drive away. I feel that he doesn't respect me or prioritise our relationship, am I overreacting? I feel very alone, as its lockdown and now I'm just stuck indoors not seeing anyone. When I tell him this he just gets annoyed with me and says it's a pandemic

[carly2803]

get rid and stop taking him back

OPi mean this kindly, these are the best years of your life. DO not waste them on some absolute waste of space man.

be single, get over lockdown and date someone amazing

[GreenlandTheMovie]

@Littlepony2011

Well, he said she didn't care about him, wouldn't spend time with him funnily enough and wouldn't get intimate with him. He stuck in there until he did eventually decide to go on a dating app and met me. He told me he was single, but I found out later that he hadn't left her until our third date. A warning sign from the start I guess. I let it slide because I thought he was someone who felt alone is his relationship and tried to make it work for a few years, and found it hard to find the strength to walk away when he knew the relationship was over. I tried to understand! And now I just feel how he described feeling. It all just sounds worse the more I talk about it.

So he started the relationship by lying to you and to his ex girlfriend? Wow. What a prince.

He clearly has no difficulty in splitting up with women, since he's managed to dump you 5 times, so it seems likely that he's lying again about not being able to end it with his ex. Imagine if you stayed with him 5 years - at this rate, you would have been dumped 18 times! All you are doing is giving him permission to play away, safe in the knowledge that he has someone reliable to go back to. I don't even think you're his girlfriend. It sounds more like FWB.

I'd be really worried he is cheating with you as he did on his ex, and I'd get an STD test if I were you. This man isn't trustworthy. Is he very charming and doesn't come across as "the type" to cheat? They're often the worst.

To give him his due, he's certainly managed to pick someone who will put up with this treatment, as most women would be out of there about getting dumped twice! I had one like this once, he was very good looking (if short - short man syndrome I think) and he had a secret long distance girlfriend when we first got together, that I only found out about the first time he dumped me and he blurted it out when I wasn't as upset as he thought I would be. Several years later, he did the same to me. It was like a weight being lifted off my back when I eventually saw him for what he was and no longer had the burden of constantly striving to be in a relationship with him. There are much better men out there.

[Opentooffers]

It gets worse the more you say and shows you really don't value yourself - you get stuck with men who don't value you either by being this way about yourself.
Work on why it is that you get sucked in by a sob story instead of looking at the facts? Why you feel love for someone who treats you poorly?
You have very low boundaries, never continue to date a person who has overlapped you with someone else, I'd be wary about someone less than a month out of anything, whatever the reason, especially an 18 year something, that also showed you that he was dodgy. If he can go 18 years without marriage, children and commitment, you would never get these things either with him. If those are the things you want, being with him takes you further away from that and wastes your time for nothing but abuse.

[Littlepony2011]

Well, he said she didn't care about him, wouldn't spend time with him funnily enough and wouldn't get intimate with him. He stuck in there until he did eventually decide to go on a dating app and met me. He told me he was single, but I found out later that he hadn't left her until our third date. A warning sign from the start I guess. I let it slide because I thought he was someone who felt alone is his relationship and tried to make it work for a few years, and found it hard to find the strength to walk away when he knew the relationship was over. I tried to understand! And now I just feel how he described feeling. It all just sounds worse the more I talk about it.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

@Littlepony2011

I'm very confused, so it's hard to know I guess.
He has only had one other relationship. They were together around 18 years but he said it had pretty much been over for at least 5 and they had separate lives, and he has always just done his own thing anyway and he just got comfortable with that. They had no commitments to eachother other then a flat. This may be why he is so relaxed about time apart and not committing. But, when I met him he was so over the moon to have finally found someone who wanted to spend time with him and he wanted to see me all the time, get married, have a family etc etc. Then all of a sudden, 6 months in he said it's all too much and ended our relationship, of course we have gotten back together since then (more than once) but he has been different ever since. So now I feel that instead of another break up, maybe covid is being used for time out.

He said his last relationship had been over for the last FIVE YEARS? wtf. Who on earth says that? tbh I would assume that meant he had felt entitled to cheat and quite likely eventually got dumped because he was found out.

He sounds like the type of man who is a bit of a user and does whatever conveniences himself the most at the time. The type that cheats and dumps whenever a better or newer offer comes along.

He sounds horrible. You're only 30, you could quite easily find someone much nicer than this rather shady 40 year old.

[Littlepony2011]

Thank you guys, really value this. You are all so very right in what you are saying. Thanks for sharing experiences & recommendations.

How much time do you spend with your partners? Or how much did you spend before you were living together? Sometimes I don't know what's normal now 🙈

[Dery]

@Littlepony2011 - you are in an abusive relationship. You do something he doesn’t like so he dumps you. That’s him trying to impose control. He’s done it 5 times. You let him do this to you. It’s so sad that you value yourself so little. What did you learn about relationships growing up that makes you think this is okay?

You say you love him. That’s unhealthy love because it harms you and allows you to keep forgiving a guy who treats you like shit. You need to love yourself more and refuse to tolerate being treated that way. He’s 40. This is him. It’s hopeless. There are some real bastards out there. He’s one of them.

You say when it’s good it’s really good. Same goes for all relationships - healthy and unhealthy. The real test of a long-term relationship is how it feels when things aren’t going so well. When things aren’t going well with my DH, it’s a bit meh. We might have a row. Then we get over it and move on.

This man is bad for you. Don’t listen to what he says. Look at what he does.

You might find it interesting to read The Mind of the Intimate Male Abuser - How He Gets Into Her Head. Also - Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

I have totally been where you have been, and I know it’s hard. Don’t finish with him just because of what some strangers on the internet say - you have to feel ready so you can do it without regret.

But honestly, the breaking up with you all the time IS shit. And him making you feel it’s your fault - that just makes me livid on your behalf! It’s so damaging. Mine did this. He convinced me I had serious problems with my behaviour. Indeed, when I finally started refusing to take him back, he diagnosed me with a made-up personality disorder, and told me that no man would ever love me! (Tho apparently he did, as he was desperate for me to take him back..... Curious, huh?)

I’ve broken up with a few people in my life, and never actively tried to make them feel shit in the process.... And never kept taking them back, either. Because I don’t break up with people willy-nilly, knowing that they are human too, and have feelings! I wait till I am absolutely certain.

It’s possible that the fact that he is being super-nice now is because he senses you drawing away. Take courage from that.......

[SummerBlondey]

I doubt he's going without sex for a month.

[Gemma5225]

You don't have to dump him if you don't want to but you do need to start putting him at the bottom of your priority list now like he's doing. Texts and words don't mean a thing, observe his actions. Men go after what they want and if he wanted you so much he'd see you

[Wanderlusto]

Stay strong op,you can do it!

What he is doing is called narcissistic hoovering. You should check out some YouTube videos on it so you can be prepared. And see it for the con it is. The ones with women speaking about their experiences are usually real eye openers.

[Itstimetoquit]

He's trying to worm his way back in,don't let him x

[Littlepony2011]

I guess he gets into my head and makes me feel like it's my fault he had to end it. He has apologised for letting me down in lockdown now, and asked for a video chat but I just don't feel like it's enough. I guess I am just really disappointed, he was amazing at the start and it took me a couple of years to find someone I liked. He did everything right, and then changed! I know after reading the comments, I can't stay 😔 it's hard to do it though! Especially as he is being nice in his messages and sending pictures of little love notes, but he's not here!

[Amotherlife]

Don't be hanging on to his coat tails, grateful for his crumbs. That's no way to live. You'll feel much better once you have finished this once and for all. His excuses are just excuses - not valid. If you love someone, you prioritise them over a mate fitting a new carpet.

[Lovelydiscusfish]

When someone keeps breaking up with you then coming back it’s a form of control - he is asserting his dominance in the relationship and your dependence. I know because my narcissist ex did this to me. And I kept taking him back because the power dynamic had become so fucked that I believed I needed him and was lucky to have him. It was awful! I was on edge the whole time waiting for it to happen again. I actually had a nervous breakdown at one point.

Finally, he dumped me in the most hideous way and threw me out (we were living together at that point), and I finally realised what a dick he was. Of course, he wanted me back again. And couldn’t BELIEVE it when I said no. It was very empowering!

But even more empowering would have been if I had dumped his sorry arse myself, just as my friends were constantly urging me to do. So I think you should do this OP. I know it’s not easy, but I promise you after a while you will feel amazing!

And then you are free to meet a decent bloke who values you as you truly deserve.

[MrJollyLivesNextDoor]

5 times!!

Dump him once and once only.

He's a waste of space - you can do better than this.

[Cloudfrost]

5 times??
It's now a fact to him that he can do whatever he wants and you will keep forgiving him. Stop being a doormat, this man will never fully commit cause he does not respect you. And the ship to getting him to respect you has long sailed. Cut your losses and move on x

[peak2021]

I hope you've decided having read all the comments here to end the relationship.

[tootysweety]

He’s horrible. Dumped 5 times!! Ghost him. Just don’t answer his call or messages. See how long it takes for him to come round. Start taking control. He’s treating you like dirt

[Dancingmeldew]

What matters to me during a pandemic are making sure the people I love are safe. (This includes helping my DH keep his mum safe.) That we are well stocked and stay home as much as possible. My cat.

You are not this mans priority. He's told you time and time again. You are less important than his carpet. Get rid.

[BlueThistles]

@Cockenspiel

Time to start raising your relationship bar OP.

Do you want to waste more months and years of your life on this?

You should get angry and get rid! Fuck this pathetic cretin! You deserve better!

This times 100 🌺

[ravenmum]

5 times he has ended it and I took him back because I love him and each time he promises me it will be different and tells me he wants a future, and wants to spend time with me.
You must have extremely low self-esteem.
Having low self-esteem is a huge contributing factor to loneliness - if you feel that you need someone else to prove you are an OK person, then you will feel worse when you're alone.
What happened to make you so dependent on the tiny crumbs of pleasure this man reluctantly drops for you?

[Cockenspiel]

Time to start raising your relationship bar OP.

Do you want to waste more months and years of your life on this?

You should get angry and get rid! Fuck this pathetic cretin! You deserve better!

[Littlepony2011]

Thank you all, it's an eye opener 😊

[Clymene]

He doesn't value you
He doesn't respect you
He doesn't love you

You deserve so much better