i am going to kill my partner - i am so angry

[godalmighty2]

ok, don't know if this is alreay a thread and sorry to mess it up by starting anew one,,,

i am furious

i just found out he's spent 7k of our join savings on 'stuff for the house' and he doesn;'t know what exactly and i don' know what and he's pissed off that i 'm even asking.

i am going to kill him.

he's up t his ears in debt and i bail him out often and deal with the bailiffs, he ignores his bank statements and works to keep still basically - self-employed. it's made me so angry - he's really disrespectfuul about it.

i pay all the bills and the mortgage but somehow this is my fault! i am going to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

he has spent 7k and doesn't know where?

i would fucking kill him.

sell the house
leave his sorry arse

nd kill him again.

fuckhead.

scream away

sounds like the pits.

£7k? oh that is really bad. terrible position for you to be in.

blimey! i wasn't expecting you to be awake at this time....!

god almighty, what am i going to do? he's such a fuckwit and i'm so pathetic.

i think he's got 'issues' with spending and speaking - i.e. i think he's some kind of spendaholic/money phobic...

is that possible???it's just so wierd!!!!

i don't think it's so weird, unfortunately. you need to take steps to separate your money, no joint account for savings for starters. let him put money into your account if you pay the bills. and then he needs to face up to his behaviour, but how you get him to do that is beyond me right now.

7K on stuff, must be a lot of stuff.

Didn't you question thethings he bought, when the things came into the house?

that's just th epoint - nothing has come into the house apart from some fencing for the back garden (about 200 quid) and some units for the kitchen (about 800)....

is this something for relate or what? is there like money counselling? i think he's really off his head. he screamed at me and then went upstairs and put his head under the pillow

freakin' teen!

sh^t...i'm guessing by the silence that that's it. there is no answer to this. i am going to have to kill him and bury the sodder underneath the fencing.

ARGGHGHGGHGHGHGHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

God, what a pile of crap!

Change the joint account into your account tomorrow morning, if there is anything left. You don't have to close it, just take the money out and put it somewhere safe.

Get down to CAB if you don't know what to do with the debt - find out where you stand on being jointly liable for his cock-ups.

Go to Relate by yourself to find out how to handle your partner if you think it would help. Kick him out if it helps more - it might be the wake-up call he needs to get a grip.

How long has he been like this? I know it is the usual response to most things but could he be depressed? Does he need to see his GP?

there's some money left because we sold a property and downsized because of the baby...so we are doing this one up because it's in a hell heap.

when the bailiffs come to the door, they clamp the car - regardless of whether i need it to get to work in the morning r not. so it's a godalmighty mess.

i feel sorry for him - i really do. he's been depressed - definitely - he was on a lot of drugs and booze when young.

maybe depression can do things like this?? is that even possible??? he seems just really wierd to me...like he's reverting to childhood whenenever the topic of money comes about.

i really want to kill him. i'm really angry. i feel knackered cos of work and exasperated cos there's a male ego in the house attached to an idiot. 7 k is a freak of a lot of money and it's just disappeared.

i think i am getting angry cos if i get upset i may not be able to keep a grip.

have you never seen that shopaholics show? EVERY time the psychologist guy gets them in a room, it ALWAYS comes down to something happening to them in childhood that screws up their relationship with money/responsibility.
poor you, though. he needs help, you need to go and get your bank accounts sorted.

this one

see, i've seen this show, and i don't agree with that psychologisgt that it's always something from childhood that make a person like that or from their past.

some folks are just spendthrifts, just like some are gits, thoughtless, adventurous, etc.

depression can do this.

but you know, what the real problem is is that he seems to have zero regard for you and how his financial issues affect you and your relationship with him.

i mean, he isn't considerate enough to think, 'oh, god might need a car to get to work, maybe i shouldn't be such a fuckwit and get it clamped.'

and when you feel sorry for him and put up with it, you enable him.

please see a counsellor or go to Relate.

you deserve the financial security you work hard for.

he IS actually like a kid! it's just mad. I asked where the card was for the account - cos they sent a new one in the post today - and he went all quiet. and i said what's wrong how's the account going? and he said i've spend a bit on it...and then when I asked what on? he started having like a tantrum. i won't say a real tantrum because we've got a 2 yr old

BUT it was pretty damn close. then he ran upstairs and LITERALLY put his head under the pillow.

if i had the energy, it woudl be curtains. but i'm working like a b"". cannotface putting him on shopaholics. I would just die of the embarassment.

i think i'm going to find a way of getting him to see someone. it's just a nightmare....

i've got all his credit cards out of his wallet - he's still in the bedroom - and i'm cutting them up and melting them.....feel like a vandal but this is just too pathetic. we've got separate accounts - well i've got an account and cards and he's got overdrafts and cards. this was the only one we shared and i'm absolutely GUTTED it's been abused like this.

I suppose i should be glad it's not an affair, but MONEY is like a real aspect of tust as well as hell if you're scrabbling as i was...

actually - just went on that spendaholics website and the psychiatrist is saying...

Benjamin?s five most common emotional spending triggers
Dads: If you?ve got unresolved issues with your dad, watch out that you?re not 'punishing him by getting into debt.

YEP THAT FITS

Low self worth: If you believe that you are worthless, you will probably feel most comfortable with nothing.

YEP THAT FITS

The wounded body: Many women grow up deeply traumatised by other people?s reactions and comments about their bodies. They long for their inner-swan and shop to compensate, but getting the right 'look' never heals the scars of those insults.

DOn'T KNOW ABOUT HIS INNER SWAN...

Expensive tastes: If you?re addicted to debt, it could be simply because you have expensive addictions; travel, eating out, drink and drugs. So, get into your issues to get out of debt.

YEP THAT FITS

Loss: If you?ve suffered blows to your emotional security, you may be unable to bear financial security.

YEP THAT FITS

thank you for the direction. am going to call relate about this. i think it is HIM not ME. (although i am almost certainly off my twig to put up with this for the past five years!)

it's just the slippery slope isn't it? this morning the car, tomorrow the house...

I would say depression can make your dp behave like this. Depression can drive you to drink or drugs so why not spending. Anything that takes your mind off whatever it is that is causing your depression, even if it is only for a short moment or two. If he is depressed then I don't think you are going to be able to reason with him and get him to change his behaviour. I think he needs to see his GP but I don't know how you are going to convince him of that.

Have you tried having a reasonable conversation with him when he isn't in a strop? Maybe don't relate it to money to begin with. Say you are worried about him, that he doesn't seem himself and maybe he needs to see the doctor.

I don't wonder you are angry though. It is hard to be sympathetic when faced with some much denial and deceit.

if it's depression then it makes more sense.
to be honest, i am on the verge of tears and before i came on here tonight, i was thinking it was an affair or a sign he hated me but actually i get the strong feeling it looks like depression- which is actually better than anything else.

i've never had a reasonable converstaion with him about money - as he's allways on the poo. but i will definitely set the next step in front of him tomorrow. we can't carry on like this.

i suppose i am wondering if people can change, but actually i suppose if he gets some help from a doctor then maybe he will not be in such a fog all the time...which might improve other things in our relationship as well.

baby only 2 so maybe he's having postnatal instead?

should have said ' as he's allways in the poo'....he is not bowelly troubled!!!!

Glad about his bowels - at least something is working OK!

How responsive do you think he will be to going to the doctors? Will he be in denial or do you think he will see it as a way of getting let off the hook and being able to claim he is not responsible for his actions because he is ill? At least that would work in your favour at least and get him to the GP.

Going to the GP is only the first step. He still has to face up to his spending and debts and learn to deal with what he has done. However, you need to get him in the right frame of mind first, I suppose.

I still think you should move the joint savings to somewhere safe. Best not to leave him with the temptation to spend the money.

I do not want to be the voice of doom, but its likely if you only just found out about about money by accident its probably covering up bigger problems. I was married to similar stressful individual and we always got on apart from rows about missing money etc, even though he earned alot, and I had normal income but had to keep bailing out. We did divorce 10 years ago( god I sound ancient but i am not really) and it was after when we spoke more honestly as friends that he confessed that money was not the problem it was an addictive personality and that money was the result not the cause but also his only way or accidently telling me about all his problems and aunguish. I still have strong feelings for him although I have had to stop contact 5 years ago because he just had no control of himself(behaviour not violence) I guess I am trying to say he is probably beyond your help, he really needs some proper deep couselling and If you cant get him there, you got a big decision to make for your families future
Ps try not to kill him.

Tell him no more tantrums, no more hiding his head under the pillow (WTF?) or sulking, he has to face his problem like an adult or you'll leave him.

Close all joint accounts and put them into your name and take his name off any other investments you have. No more credit cards, store cards etc. Give him a non-negotiable schedule for seeking debt counselling. Make him take a second job to replenish the savings account (paid directly to you).

Shape up or get out. His choice is now that stark.

oh jesus... well if it's deeper then it's got to be someone who knows what they are doing that deals with him

did your man really tell you all that??? mine is sort of silent and hypertensive exepct when he's fishing with his mates. they all seem to have a real boom then.

no, i think you are right. it's got to be done.

maybe i shoudl give an ultimatim this time - Doctor or Door? to be honest, i am so reeling from it all that i could hardly plunge a knife straight.

maddest thought ever, but if you thought it was something more sinister - like he was gay or something - would you raise it or just push him towards the GP?

What do you mean he is living a secret life somewhere? Do you think that is likely? Do you have something in mind that makes you think that?

Still needs to see the GP though. No getting away from it - it is the starting point to getting him sorted out, whatever else needs to be sorted later.

You have reminded me of some horrid stuff with dh ( tog 10 years now)

I bailed him out of about 7k of debt when we met.
Three years and 2 kids later I found out he had been running up credit card debts ( despitre access to all my money) of about 3k. I paid them off. We had a sertious talk.

If it happens again he is out the door.
he knows I am serious.
he does seem to be over it now and has changed his ways

best of luck

I am wondering what he has spent the money on, if he really had spent it on the house you would have seen the results. Does he have a gambling problem? Online gambling perhaps? I have heard of a man running up 50 grands worth of debts that way before confessing to his wife. Drugs? Sorry, don't mean to make you more worried, but where has the money really gone? People in the manic phase of manic depression can be extremely extravagant and grandiose and get themselves into all kinds of financial trouble- but he would seem very hyper, running around doing all sorts, not sleeping, fast speech, full of somewhat daft plans.

I think its very important that you get some sort of freeze on whatever accounts are left that he has access to. If you dont know where the money hasd gone, more might go the same way.

Oh and he would be much better off being employed rather than self employed if he's bad with money, sounds like he;s chasing his own tail with tax bills. Would he get a regular PAYE job?