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Original poster

i am going to kill my partner - i am so angry

77 replies

godalmighty2 · 29/10/2007 00:22

ok, don't know if this is alreay a thread and sorry to mess it up by starting anew one,,,

i am furious

i just found out he's spent 7k of our join savings on 'stuff for the house' and he doesn;'t know what exactly and i don' know what and he's pissed off that i 'm even asking.

i am going to kill him.

he's up t his ears in debt and i bail him out often and deal with the bailiffs, he ignores his bank statements and works to keep still basically - self-employed. it's made me so angry - he's really disrespectfuul about it.

i pay all the bills and the mortgage but somehow this is my fault! i am going to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Kiddi · 29/10/2007 02:10

To be honest what ever the cause then its likely that in his current situation that he will be unable to stop, Hidden sexuality, previous bad experiences, being blackmaiiled, addicted to buying posh watche,, whatever, if its still goign on then nothing will imporve without a dramitc change and /or serious help. It is only from my personal experiences and watching spenda holics and the like, but something needs to change. Yes my husband and I were very close and he was only able to talk to me honestly about those issues after we divorced. He would lie about silly things to cover up the truth, about spending and we waould sort it out, have a new start, be ok for a bit then it would kick off again. the reason it never got resolved is we were dealing with money issues, controlling spending, and opportunity but he just was an unhapy bunny, not so much thru depresion but the misery caused by his inablility to control his addictive behaviour.

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 29/10/2007 02:20

godalmighty. gambling! hadn't even thought about it...!

i don't even go clothes shopping unless i'm dragged to it.

he's on ebay a lot....i'm going to check up.

have just transferred the money into my account over the phone.

done the cards now.

if we are too far apart to talk then this relationships not goin anywhere anyway, right? he's stopped the bedroom thing so there's something not right....

he's going to gp or he's going packing. i'm going to relate (if they'll have me on my own). i would be more smapthetic but i grew up with an alcoholic dad and now i am getting scared.

VERY GOOD IDEAS ON WHAT TO DO NEXT.

will put down knife.

OP posts:
Kiddi · 29/10/2007 02:22

GAM2, just remembered an example of pointless conversation we had no cover up real events/ spending. once I knew he was lying about some money that had gone, and some time that was missing, and after days our my nagging, crying, screaming, to get answers he confesses that he had been out buying new bedsheets because he had rolled over onto his broken wrist(in plaster)in such a way that in his sleep he had wet himself and was so embarrased about it that he had gone out and bought new sheets and a matress exactly the same as our originals(which were quite new) so he would not have to admitted that he wet hinself sober. he cried I cried, we held each other and had a moment of true togetherness from it.
4 years later he told me it was all total rubbish, and told me where he realy was and how money really got spent etc. nothing like real reason but it hurt so much that we had shared that moment and it was utter crap! but thats how much people with big problems and worries lie to protect us from the truth, so ther is no way in my opinion that big problems can be fixed from within a relationship wo=ithout expert help.

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 29/10/2007 02:26

god THAT is painful

i can see that he took something more than the money if your shared moments are not even real...

i can believe it's not a me sort it out job.

i really love him because he was such a charmer but even as i'm writing this i'm getting warnings. he's really NOT been himself for a while now....

OP posts:
Kiddi · 29/10/2007 02:33

Well my thoughts are with you, even now im off to bed alarm set for 645!!!
Good luck follow your gut, you are likely to do the right thing for you all then. If he can bring himself to talk to someone before he gets the boot then I am sure people on here will hav some good options for you. My experience is a little out of date. Hynotherapy is something that often helps as is counseling docter referred but can take many months to come through. So it may be that you have to fork out for private sessions but set yourself a limit and even if its a grand for example, then at least its a grand towards saving your family not another grand towards destroying it. Good luck.

daydreambeliever · 29/10/2007 02:33

Is there some way of getting his computer looked at to figure if he is online gambling? Is that possible from an IT point of view, would he know if you did?

It was my second cousins husband who ran up 50 grands worth of debt. They are still married, but she works extremely hard now to help pay it off.

He is probably in debt more than you think, and may still be applying for and getting more credit cards. None of his own debts would be in your name I guess, although do you jointly own your home? But for his own sake he needs to be stopped from getting any more credit. Yes, I think going to the CAB is what I would do. And I would try to get all the information possible about his finances, what is owed, to whom. Does he let you read his statements? Would he let you go through his statements and his online banks and stuff to tot it all up?

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 29/10/2007 02:42

i can find out, and i will do it. i think it's tough love on this one, cos if i ran off with 7k, i'd expect to be sorting it out swiftish.

the house is in my name (as he couldn't get a mortgage cos of credit rating) so i am at least sheltered if he goes under, (i think). we're not married.

...he won't ask me....

and he would never get a PAYE job. he'd lose it in the first week cos he gets angry if people tell him what to do...

i am REALLY REALLY GRATEFUL for this thread. it was a long shot but it's really worked. you saved his life!

OP posts:
Niecie · 29/10/2007 02:46

Let us know how you get on in the morning - I hope he sees someone.

Good luck.

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 29/10/2007 02:47

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

OP posts:
daydreambeliever · 29/10/2007 02:54

Yes, good luck to you. I am sorry he's done this to you. And well done for getting on with the constructive stuff, moving the savings etc. Stay strong.

ninedragons · 29/10/2007 03:48

"he'd lose it in the first week cos he gets angry if people tell him what to do... "

??? Errr, I think your partner needs to make a belated entry into the real world. Most people don't actively enjoy being told what to do, but it's one of the facts of life.

I think you might need to present him with some very bald choices: do X, Y and Z or I will change the locks. No "I can't handle working for someone else", no "I spent the money on the house to make you happy", no sulking. Time for him to grow up and take it like a man. You've been more than fair and it's time to do things your way now.

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 29/10/2007 15:23

update: he left early this morning before i got up. No note. I don't know where he's gone.

he's left his mobile phone so there's no getting gold of him...

SO I've been through the phone.

his bank's been sending texts. a letter arrived this morning about some other account (one of the ones I've chopped up and melted).

this is """""""" """""" """"!!!!!!!!

sorry - that is a BIG set of swearing. I just feel exhausted at the thought of finding a way of clearing this up.

there's a clear choice in this. i really don't want to feel like a ballbreaker, but i tink i am going to have to be. if he comes home tonight, he's on bread and water. ALL FINANCIALS OUT ON THE TABLE. Then if he's got "other issues", he can make a plan to sort those out as well.

the job thing is just a total no hoper...we were absolutely BRASSIC a year ago - i wasn't even sleeping because i was so worried. and he just couldn't even see what was the problem.

OP posts:
WitchTwoOh · 29/10/2007 15:52

oh dear. how utterly horrible for you, it's awful. i feel for you terribly.

Kiddi · 29/10/2007 22:16

He knows this is a big problem, and he may be hiding but at least he not lying to you. Do what ou need to for yourselves, and GOOD LUCK< BIGS HUGS.

colditz · 29/10/2007 22:17

Oh you poor poor soul

colditz · 29/10/2007 22:26

total empathy

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 29/10/2007 23:50

ok - if there is anyoneout there who knows anything about DRUGS you have got to help me,.,,

i am going through his stuff - he's come home and taken the baby for a bath and gone to bed.

every letter is a bank charge for unpaid this and that,,,, it's literally thousand and i am feeling sick....

NOW I HAVE JUST FOUND a small brwon envelope. it says 10g for the price of 5g on it....and it's got fine greenbrown powder in it

CALL ME STUPID but i don;t care. WHAT IS IT???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
WitchTwoOh · 29/10/2007 23:54

don't know. drug peddlers don't tend to do bogoff deals though...

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 29/10/2007 23:58

ok, so it's not heroin.????

what the fcc is it? it's got little shiny bits in it/

drugs COME in grams though. that's what made methink that. he was on all sorts before = pills and marijuana and everything.

PLUS it's been folded up small in his ipod box...

what the FREAK is it if it's not drugs???¬!

PLease tell me i just go t the wrong end of teh stick. otherwise i am DRAGGING the bastard out of bed right now.

OP posts:
Niecie · 30/10/2007 00:02

Oh you poor thing! You sounded quite positive last night.

WitchTwoOh is right - drug dealers don't do BOGOF's - he hasn't been to one of these Chinese herbalists that seem to be on every high street has he? I wonder if he knows he has a problem and thinks he can sort it with a herbal rememdy. I hope it is this rather than real hard illegal drugs as I don't know what you can do with him if that is the case.

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 30/10/2007 00:06

chinese herbalist?! god you are a genius. it might be something like that.

i looked on the ask frank website but it doesn't look like heroin - it's not lumpy...

why is it all hidden though???

i am literally shaking.

OP posts:
WitchTwoOh · 30/10/2007 00:06

i really don't know, sweetheart. don't drag him out of bed, continue searching while you have the opportunity and see him tomorrow.

WitchTwoOh · 30/10/2007 00:07

snuff? tobacco of some sort? he's not facing up to things, i take it?

Original poster
godalmighty2 · 30/10/2007 00:10

is there any other drug taht comes in a powder???? cocaine is white - even i know that much.. but is there ANYTHING else????

on ask frank you have to know what it COULD be -

he's in bed - asleep. and he's deliberatley kept the baby in between us all evening.

can'thave a row in front

OP posts:
Niecie · 30/10/2007 00:11

I hope it is something that innocent but I know nothing about illegal drugs.

He is hiding it because he is ashamed/embarrassed/despairing that he needs to go to one of these places.

I am only guessing but I wonder if he agrees he has a problem but at the same time going to the GP is a step too far at the moment and would require too much honesty. It is too clinical and 'big' for him to cope with.

I am surprised and impressed that you haven't dragged him out of bed! You must be at your wits end.

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