Affairs, Why Do They Happen?

[TwinkleStar88]

Hi,
I’m not sure why I’m writing this but maybe I’m looking for clarity with regards to the reasons behind affairs.
Within the last few years many family members/friends/colleagues have either been involved in affairs, or have been the victim of an affair. Whether this is emotional/physical it’s very much happening. My SIL also was involved in an affair over a year ago, which shocked all of us, very happy marriage on the outside, a beautiful home, two children, no money worries, a supportive husband etc and I’ve never really worked out why she did it, she seemed happy but clearly wasn’t happy, is it possible to have an affair and still be happy, or is an affair a symptom of an unhappy marriage?
I worked in an office many years ago with a few of the males openly admitting to ‘having fun on the side!’ Again, they had children, even photos of their family on their work desk.
As time has gone by I am seeing this more and more, it’s often highlighted on this thread many times too.
Why do so many seemingly happy people have affairs? Is it unhappiness, boredom? The need to feel wanted by more than one person?
This has also made me question my marriage and wonder if it could happen to me! Totally unreasonable I know!

@Baws

So you can proove a superior being doesn't exist?

And the majority of people in religion are far more evil than affairs, and it's it's a cover up for being a complete tosser.

If thats not a black and white view I don't know what is.

I know of situations where flings have happened outside of relationships after years and years of emotional abuse from the other partner. Then that partner gets to be the victim and all wronged because being unfaithful is the worse thing that can happen? I don't think so, the prolonged abuse was as bad. I'm not going to go into detail but I don't blame the other parties for what they did at all... You make a commitment to be kind, supportive, fair and loving in relationships too .. And if you withdraw that that's also a betrayal.

I see too many situations where there are hideous amounts of control and coercion in relationships. One partner gets stuck doing the child and house graft (and it's not always the woman) whilst the other has the glittering career but bullies and b ignores their partner. That to me is "worse" if you want to draw comparisons. Some people who have affairs are narcissistic opportunists, some are completely devastated at what their relationship has become and the total let down of the reality of it.

Nothing is ever black and white. There are different levels of cheating - and the hurt caused to someone else is dependent on many different aspects. Any religious perspectives are for the believers and not everyone else.
But certainly infidelity can cause enormous harm to another person - akin to other types of abuse.

Because there can be understanding toward an abuser does not mean there is less harm from their actions on those they hurt.

Baws,

"enough personal experience of religion to know that it and the majority of people involved in it are far more ‘evil’ than affairs are."

I'm curious to hear how you arrive at this sweeping statement and what yardstick you use to measure "evil" ?

"There is no evidence that any ‘superior being’ exists so yes, I do have a hard time taking anyone seriously who still believes that in 2021 especially when they use it as a cover for being a complete tosser."

I find this response troubling. Are you saying that anyone with a religious belief who has been raped, assaulted or robbed shouldn't have their trauma taken seriously?

"especially when they use it as a cover for being a complete tosser."

Perhaps you can expand on this, because I don't get it.

And BTW which of the 4,300 world religions are you having a pop at ?

How very noble of you, to voice that you too have experienced infedelity and decided through your own experience that all other posters that have been betrayed , are bitter and at fault themselves.
That's a massive sweeping statement and is insulting to anyone whose experience has been different, or worse than your own experience.

@Onthedunes I don't think @AnastasiaBeverleyHills was implying at all that everyone who has experienced infidelity is themselves wholly, equally or even partially at fault. She is simply describing her own experience and journey which is based on some really clear self-examination. At most, she is suggesting that some people who are amongst the most bitter might benefit from similar for the sake of their own well-being if nothing else. Having gone through that, I guess some might still conclude - and in many cases would be right to do so - that their ex really was the total and utter dickhead they thought and they really were virtually blameless. But I bet some would, if they were truthful, see that they had some role to play in at least creating the conditions in which infidelity might take place, though of course the philanderer ultimately bears responsibility for the infidelity itself. The point is that there is a range of experience and the assumption that in every case, the adulterer was the selfish, cruel, evil one and the spouse the saintly victim is pretty much at odds with everything we know about the rich tapestry of human relationships. Of course those cases exist and maybe they are all gathered here, but in my experience in real life, such cases are the minority.

I know I'm going to get hammered for this, but have none of you who are slating AnastasiaBeverlyHills had the experience of thinking, 'what took you so long?' when someone leaves a bad marriage or 'It's wrong he had an affair, but by God his wife is a total bitch and I can see how it happened' (or you can reverse the sexes of course). I know I have. They may only be a very small minority of cases, but I have certainly known cases where quite frankly I had zero sympathy for the 'victim' because they were just awful people who treated their partner very badly, to the point of abuse sometimes.

The point is that one size most definitely fit all, but infidelity seems to be a subject in which the same 'shades of grey' argument just won't be accepted by some.

@theleafandnotthetree

I know I'm going to get hammered for this, but have none of you who are slating AnastasiaBeverlyHills had the experience of thinking, 'what took you so long?' when someone leaves a bad marriage or 'It's wrong he had an affair, but by God his wife is a total bitch and I can see how it happened' (or you can reverse the sexes of course). I know I have. They may only be a very small minority of cases, but I have certainly known cases where quite frankly I had zero sympathy for the 'victim' because they were just awful people who treated their partner very badly, to the point of abuse sometimes.

The point is that one size most definitely fit all, but infidelity seems to be a subject in which the same 'shades of grey' argument just won't be accepted by some.

another brilliant post.

@onthedunes

The original question was "Why do affairs happen". Affairs are sometimes someone's coping mechanism, rightly or wrongly, due to years of conditioning or trauma triggers. In my original post I did say this is not always the case. Sometimes people are just Asshole, sometimes people are just selfish. The majority of studies show this is not always the case.

In my original post I said that my part of my marriage breakdown was what I had come to terms with. As I said in the original post very few marriages in difficulty are one sided (I am talking about non coercive non abuse situations) There are many facets to every story.

Bitterness serves no one. Bitterness is not grief or rejection or hurt or anger, bitterness is a self hating emotion which serves no one and leads to pain for the individual harbouring it. That's why I chose the word bitter.

Hurt and anger and rejection can be overcome. As I said, it took many years.

Being manipulated by narcissists is indeed part of my history and one I learned to recognise and I still am healing from. Gaslighting, mental and emotional abuse also all play a part of my history.

In the end we all make our own choices. I answered a question with my truth. If people choose to be bitter (and unfortunately it is a choice) that is their prerogative. If people choose not to examine themselves that is also their choice. Not everyone takes the same path. I judge myself in this, not them. I judge the part of me that didn't allow myself to feel for a number of years. I judge the part of me that let anger fester. I judge the part of me that didn't acknowledge that grief for a long time. I judge the part of me that expects my own perfection. On a daily basis I try to accept who I am in all of this. I am a work in progress.

The affair was long. It was painful. It was full of deceit. There were photos and videos discovered. There were holidays taken on my money. There were children on both sides involved. There were lies upon lies upon lies.

If I held on to that I would not have hurt my ex husband, only myself. That's the truth. That's my truth.

ABH,

"The majority of studies show this is not always the case"

To which studies do you refer and where can they be accessed?

@AnitaB888

ABH,

"The majority of studies show this is not always the case"

To which studies do you refer and where can they be accessed?

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills writes what I think is a beautiful, thoughtful and balanced piece, from her perspective and this is what you choose to focus on? I think you have sort of proved her point, or maybe it's my point that, that some people will just choose - and it is a choice - to stay stuck in a very black and white worldview on this subject with no room for nuance, self-examination, compassion, etc. That is fine for yourself and perhaps justified but you really can't apply that to all cases, you simply can't

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201801/secret-affair-who-cheats-and-why

theconversation.com/its-not-just-sex-why-people-have-affairs-and-how-to-deal-with-them-92354

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3648986/

www.businessinsider.com/science-of-cheating-2017-8?r=US&IR=T

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved/up-next?language=en

Esther Perels books are also excellent.

@theleafandnotthetree
@AnastasiaBeverleyHills

both of you have amazing emotional intelligence and have been able to present a balanced view which is so refreshing to read.

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201801/secret-affair-who-cheats-and-why

theconversation.com/its-not-just-sex-why-people-have-affairs-and-how-to-deal-with-them-92354

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3648986/

www.businessinsider.com/science-of-cheating-2017-8?r=US&IR=T

www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved/up-next?language=en

Esther Perels books are also excellent.

Thanks for that @AnastasiaBeverleyHills, very useful to have.

Can I also say you are a model of restraint because I think you have gotten a hard time here from some. It's like you have to pass some bizarre 'purity' test as victim of an affair - to be sufficiently angry, filled with loathing for your ex, think all cheaters are the personification of evil - or otherwise your view is invalid or you've been gaslit or become a self-hating Victim of Infidelity. Your view is as valid as any other - and in my view psychologically healthier - and you have expressed it so well but it is challenging to the consensus you often find here, though thankfully not in real life.

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills,

I'm actually quite troubled by your posts, mainly because you claim to work with people who have experienced infidelity but still see fit to use words like " culpability" and "spewing" bitterness. These are not the words of a person who is enlightened about the many and varied reasons for infidelity.

There is an incongruence with what you say and how you say it. If you are so non judgemental then why are you talking about people who have experienced infidelity in such a judgemental way?

You could have shared your own personal, unique story and left it at that. Many people reading your words might be at a different stage of the process, they may not be able to access " years of therapy" in order to help them come to terms with their circumstances. If you are as enlightened as you say you are, maybe look to see if you are able to access some empathy. Instead of what I see as blatant judgement.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/cultural-animal/200806/fathers-who-leave

hackspirit.com/what-makes-a-man-leave-his-wife-for-another-woman-the-brutal-truth/

I'm putting my tin hat on .....

[quote daddyshark1976]@theleafandnotthetree
@AnastasiaBeverleyHills

both of you have amazing emotional intelligence and have been able to present a balanced view which is so refreshing to read.[/quote]
Thanks @daddyshark1976 but I think that @AnastasiaBeverleyHills is the only one deserving of praise, such balance and self-awareness is rare isn't it?

not a great newspaper but an interesting read:
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8545377/Tracey-Cox-reveals-men-affairs-love-WOMEN-sex.html

www.mamamia.com.au/why-married-men-cheat/

www.nytimes.com/2018/04/06/style/modern-love-sleeping-with-married-men-infidelity.html

[quote User231223343]@AnastasiaBeverleyHills,

I'm actually quite troubled by your posts, mainly because you claim to work with people who have experienced infidelity but still see fit to use words like " culpability" and "spewing" bitterness. These are not the words of a person who is enlightened about the many and varied reasons for infidelity.

There is an incongruence with what you say and how you say it. If you are so non judgemental then why are you talking about people who have experienced infidelity in such a judgemental way?

You could have shared your own personal, unique story and left it at that. Many people reading your words might be at a different stage of the process, they may not be able to access " years of therapy" in order to help them come to terms with their circumstances. If you are as enlightened as you say you are, maybe look to see if you are able to access some empathy. Instead of what I see as blatant judgement.[/quote]
I give up, I really do.

Ok, maybe not just yet. Some people do have culpability! Some people do spew bitterness! Sometimes years and years after the event and have managed to cause damage to their other relationships too with children, family, friends, etc. , as people can get heartily sick of hearing about it. I remember once being at a wedding where the grooms parents had separated literally 20 years previously. The mother of the groom insisted that the father's partner not be invited - this woman had not been the dreaded OW but was a partner of at least 10 years. The family knuckled under the mothers demands, no doubt for a quiet life as they 'knew what she was like'. I'll never forget her face at the first dance when she took the floor with her very much ex husband, a sort of a smug triumph. But to my mind, this was the hollowest of victories - she had won her little battle but had hurt many others, caused hassle and drama and frankly seemed quite pathetic. She had spent 20 years of her one precious life railing against her husband leaving her - I'm not sure whether there was an infidelity but it's not necessarily relevant - and what good had it done her? Or those around her? Those people do exist, they really do and while the greatest damage they ultimately cause is to themselves, it doesn't stay with themselves.

@theleafandnotthetree

I have no interest in your post and won't get into a discussion about it with you. Feel free to keep trying to force others to see your point of view though. Whatever rocks your boat.

People (therapists, counsellors, psycologists) who deal with other peoples issues are not "non judgemental". No one is "non judgemental". Everyone judges people. Anyone who does not admit that is lying. The problem lies with the word judgement. Judgements can be good and bad. That's me being 100% congruent. In my original post I said that if you ahve been the "victim" of an affair and still view it as such then examine yourself. I did not say "forget it", "pretend it didn't happen", "get over it", "It's your fault", "You need to get a life", "You're worthless", "You're stupid", "You are useless" or any of the things that people seem to be reading into it. I said "examine yourself". Sometimes taking a step back can give us some prospective into what is hurting us and how we can heal.

You find my posts troubling. I'm wondering in what way? You say the use of the words "spewing" and "culpability" are worrying.

I used the word culpabilty in reference to peoples part in their own marraige breakdown. That is a legitimate word in that context. We are all culpable for our own actions. This is not in reference to infidelity directly. Sometimes we are so blinded by hurt we can't see anything but that.

I used the word spewing when talking about the vitriol I see here on a daily basis. It is spewing. As I said in my previous post, bitterness is not hurt, anger or rejection and is hurtful to the person who expeiences it. Anyone who claims ot have never experienced bitterness is very rare. I would imagine, although I couldbe wrong, that we have all experienced bitterness.

I am aware that I am lucky that I could have therapy. I chose to spend some of my limited funds that way as I saw it as essential to mine and my childrens wellbeing. In that sentence I am neither looking for pity or praise, just stating a fact.

At the end of the day, therapy comes in different forms. Some people won't like therapy becasue it holds a mirror up to us. It is a way of helping us help ourselves. This is not a therapy room, this is a n online forum. You are not my clients and obviously all of posts are in the broadest terms, as are everyone elses. I wouldn't come to MN looking for a professsional service neither would I expect everyones posts to include valid information pertaining to their jobs. We all have our own stories, everyones opinion is coloured by that.

We all experience pain in different ways. We all experience everything in different ways. All of the therpists I have had the pleasure of working with over the years have had their own story. They have had their own triggers. That's what supervision and immediacy are for. Naming it, speaking about it to someone. No one is perfect, and no one has had a perfect life. A therapist who claims to be "enlightened", which I'm pretty sure I didn't claim to be but correct me if I'm wrong, would be a bit too close to a self declared saviour for my liking. Part of the joy of therapy is an imperfect person helping an imperfect person to heal. Walking with them, holding space while they explore themselves. That's it really.

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills last post is one of the most thoughtful and insightful I've read here - not least about the therapeutic process - and if some of you can't see the wisdom and truth of it, or even allow yourself to be open to the fact that there is some wisdom in it, well I don't know what else there is to say.

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills

Well, I've heard it all now. I have completed an "introduction to counselling" course which lasted about 48 teaching hours. This covered everything you covered in your post and more so what you've said doesn't indicate any sort of expertise in the area. It's basic knowledge and understanding in counselling.

I am now even more troubled by your comments based on this, and it's interesting that you comment that you are writing in a forum and not a counselling room, when it is you who has failed to distinguish between the two. You have told people what your background is to add value to your opinions, if I was a counsellor I might ask you why you feel you have to do that. But the truth is I am not a counsellor, nor do I plan to be.

All people have judgements, triggers, areas of difficulty. Of course they do, all counsellors need to work on this. No one is perfect, and to expect that is only going to lead to disappointment. The danger with coming onto an online forum and actually saying you work in/with counsellors while exposing those judgements can lead to a disparity and confusion in what you say and you should be prepared to get challenged on it. "Spewing vitriol" is not a kind turn of phrase. It is extremely judgemental, if you have the understanding and learning you claim to then surely you can understand that comes from a place of pain?

I am not convinced by your words, I still feel there is a deep incongruence with what you say and how you say it.

I've said what I wanted to, I won't be responding again, I do not think your posts are brilliant but you have as much right to your opinions anyone else here.

@AnastasiaBeverleyHills

I believe you, that that is your truth.
But maybe you could believe others that also have their truth and not judge them and call them bitter.
I don't know your circimstances but it is clear that you have been able to move on, thats good many women are applauded when that occurs after betrayal.

Some posters may not have that luxury.
I could list many examples where lives have been ruined and are irrepairable. Do you not think that can happen? or do you think just letting go of bitterness as you call it, will solve everthing for them, for their familes?

Just as you will gain support from the many posters who are trying to assage their guilt, I prefer to support the victims of affairs and the many people who have been used and abused at the hands of many self entitled people who could have acted differently.

That is my choice.
What I do find strange is your lack of empathy, if you work in that profession. You seem only to be able to relate to your own circumstances, can you not see there are people who may have gone through far worse things than yourself and their situations can actually be hopeless, no resolution and no bouncing back, the damage is done, all that can be achieved is acceptance and that takes time to achieve, sometimes it is never achieved, but along that journey if someone states basically get over yourself don't be bitter, does that help?

Do you think betrayed spouses have not already analysed their own actions, and their part in marriage breakdown or the posible reasons why the affair/affairs happened.
I can tell you every person on this site will have looked inwards at their own failings.

Sometimes life is just not fair, everybody does not have the same resources, support, health, time and many other possitives that can repair an injustice.

I choose to understand that injustice.

@onthedunes. Thank you, that is an important perspective too, that "Sometimes life is just not fair, everybody does not have the same resources, support, health, time and many other positives that can repair an injustice.". I absolutely do see how that can happen and how dreadful and sad that is for that person and the whole family . It is a truth for them but so is @AnastasiaBeverleyHills perspective and I think some posters have been unnecessarily vitriolic towards her and some such as User231223343 even seem to find her perspective 'troubling' for some reason. AnastasiaBeverlyHills isn't the infidelity czar to whose position we must all concede, she's just another woman giving another perspective.

@theleafandnotthetree

I think @User231223343 is concerned about her closed perspective of others. It can be hurtful to others and unkind if relayed in a judgmental way.
Many of these women/men are innocent victims and are on a journey of self healing, they already know about self hatred and they do not need someone to point that out.