Please help me - what do I do

[spongebobscaredypants]

Can someone please tell me what to do, my and DH haven't been great. I'm not happy, he's good dad etc but inconsiderate and takes me for granted.

Ok I've just been on his iPad and his messages are there. I had a look, I don't know why but I did. He's been arranging to meet a prostitute. He's posted her underwear, I can't tell for definite if he's been but he's currently messaging her to meet tomorrow at 11.

Do I ring him now and tell him to fuck off or shall I wait to see if he goes tomorrow? I have her address so could get proper proof. But I think I already have enough proof, I also track him on my find friends. All the family are on, shall I catch him on that?

He's sorry he got caught and now he knows he can lose everything with you but he wasn't thinking of you while arranging these meetings, think carefully if you accept him back, the trust be ruined forever, the harder option is ending the relationship but in the longer term, you will heal and get over it.
Personally I could not let a man back after this.

If you really do believe him, ask him to hand over his iPad and phone right now. Look through all messaging apps and at numbers called and rattle through his bank statement for the past six months looking for unusual payments or large cash withdrawals. I'd put money on you finding more. Men don't suddenly fall into visiting prostitutes.

You said he was inconsiderate and takes you for granted, you have surefire proof that he was up for visiting a prostitute. He's really not much of a catch is he? This is enough for you to call it a day and you don't bear the blame for this one so don't be guilt tripped that you are breaking up the family or similar.

Ew what a pervy bastard. He's probably done other things too in the past.

How you doing today @spongebobscaredypants?

Have you checked his adult work account if he has one : emails and bank transactions ? I found calls and texts to prostittues on my partner of i3 years phone 3 children together it was absolutely devastating ing he also swore he didn’t go through with it sounds like a common lie I’m not sure what to believe

I would not believe him.

So when you and your DC were getting ready for Christmas, he was wanking endlessly over porn and organising prostitutes.
I highly doubt a first time user of prostitutes would have the sheer confidence to organise sending lingerie in advance to a prostitute. I should imagine that sort of agreement and planning takes experience.

And 'didn't go through with it'? How very noble
What difference does that make even if it was true? (I'd bet my house this isn't the first nor the last time) He planned it. That's enough right there to tell you what kind of man he is. Please don't fall for the 'swear on my kids life' bullshit either. Don't they all say that?
Please please please don't fall for his bollocks OP. You can have a fantastic life without some misogynist arsehole who thinks women are a purchasable commodity and will say anything to get you back keeping the home fires burning while he spends your household money on shagging prostitutes.

@ spongebobscaredypants

I can understand how devastated you are right now, and how tempting it would be to try to believe him when he says ''I never did it.....I couldn't go through with it........'

But............

Would you ever be free of the knowledge of what he's done ?

Could you ever really trust him again ?

Wouldn't you always have the worry he's ''at it'' again ?

Would you always think ''Why did he go there ?'' ''What does he see in a prostitute ?'' ''Has he done this before ?'' or '' Will he do it again ?''

Could you ever sleep with him again ??

I know most couldn't.................so wouldn't ''giving him another chance'' only be further torment for both you and your DC's ?

Neither of you can ''turn back the clock'' or ''get back on track'', because NEITHER of you was actually happy BEFORE you found out he'd put you and the DC at risk of Hep B, Hep C, Aids etc were you ?

I'd be making sure he knew there was no chance of a ''reconciliation'', and that he is only to contact you about the DC, via email only. (block him on all other phones etc).

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you will be happier in the long run, honestly.

Once trust is gone, it's gone.

Sorry everyone I'm still here just a rough few days, I spent the day yesterday just crying and trying not to cry in front of the kids, he came to spend an hour with them and my lord it took everything in me to not hold him, just wanted to feel his skin, to smell him. But instead I grabbed the dogs lead and cried like a baby on the local football field. I had his parents around and told them everything, they are good people and I have all their support.

So past few days he's been full of remorse, crying his eyes out saying he'll do whatever it takes and never give up trying to win me back, I showed abit of vulnerability last night after a glass of wine, I was crying so hard and sent him a message to say how much I hated him but need to know how to stop loving him and mourning the loss of our family future. This morning he woke me up with my usual brew and a kiss on the foreheAd!! Wtf, abit of vulnerability and he thinks he can sneak in! Btw he has been sleeping in our bar / summer house in the garden until he views a flat next week so had access to the house. No way, first thing I did this morning was sort out a valuation on the house to figure out if I can afford to buy him out, I can't but I have my family who may be able to help me. I told him and he rung me up crying again, saying is there no way, please don't do this?? But then rang later to to say he's been thinking if we have maybe 100k equity, he will take 35k and keep our rented house to live in (no equity, it's on an interest only mortgage and he owned it when I met him) and I can have 65k, I was like what??? I've not thought about that yet but need to.

He comes home tonight to see they kids after work and my friend is just leaving she's brought me flowers and wine, she left promptly when he came in. He asks if I've told her. I said yes, I've not told her it was a sex worker but I've told her you've cheated and we're splitting up, then he flips "WHY WONT YOU BELIEVE ME, I DIDNT DO ANYTHING? Starts shouting and banging about, then shouts he doesn't care tell whoever I fucking want, sell the fucking house, he packs a load of clothes into his car boot and throws the house key at me!

Thy was 5 hours ago and I've had no contact from him.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

It's better that you called the police for a welfare check rather than rushing to his aid in person, which is what he would ideally have wanted. And that he was taken elsewhere rather than you letting him home. You've shown him that while he can use the threat, you will take it up with the authorities in an official capacity but not deal with it personally. You should be really proud of yourself.

He's made it clear he thinks women are a commodity. He has also disrespected you hugely and betrayed you. A punter is a punter is a punter. It's hugely unlikely he happened to get caught the first time he did this. It's also unlikely he
'couldn't go through with it'. Men like this see women as lesser than.

You've done so well to make a definitive decision. You will never look at him the same way again, so there is no going back.

I personally think you're being an absolute boss about this and I'm really glad you had some cuddles and a movie last night.

If he threatens self harm again, call the police. In the meantime, seek legal advice ASAP re splitting and also work out a way he can't contact you about anything other than the children - eg block him on your phone and set up a separate email address only used for contact with him from now on. Then only check it as and when you want.

Stay strong

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you, this message just made me feel so strong.

@Shudawuda

He’s following the script “suiicide when called out to get sympathy” tick.

“Oh it’s a mental health issue I’ll get counselling” tick

Mine did the same, I called the police too. I felt sorry for him and forgave him too.

He played ball then shagged my best mate. It’s odd being in it because you truly believe them.

Don’t be me and drag this shit out for a wasted year if you me life. He did it, depression/addiction doesn’t excuse a total destruction of not giving a shit about you.

Get a solicitor and get him out, it’s easier faster believe me. There is life on the other side. This life if you choose it will destroy you over time and no, it’s not possible to truly get past it and feel safe again.

Oh love, how awful, and what a twat your best friend turned out to be. Are you happy now?

Oh op
I’m so sorry. There’s no way a man would book a prostitute, get there and chicken out. Just research threads on here...they all say the same thing. It’s bullshit.
He’s been paying to cheat on you (in the middle of a pandemic)
Of course he’s crying and threatening suicide...they all do. You have the power to take away his cushy life. He wants to have his cake and eat it. There’s certain men that will always use prostitutes. It’s as simple and normal as going to the barbers.
He spent family money on having sex with a random. Unforgivable. He’s shown you what he is

Well, the ‘poor me’ act didn’t last long did it?
Make sure you get some advice from a solicitor ASAP and don’t jump into sorting out financials yet. I wouldn’t give him anything and you need to make sure he isn’t remortgaging the house without your knowledge.
I’m in agreement that he didn’t just like the prostitute to dress up, he’s done something and I doubt it’s the first time. I’d seriously consider getting an STD test done.

Thanks I will book an STD test

In terms of sorting the finances what do I actually need to do? I have all the important docs, I'm the only one who has a joint account card, I manage all DD. We both have separate bank accounts but put a certain amount in each month with covers food and bills. One of my good friends is a bank manager at my bank, I'll ask her re taking him off joint account.

He has his bank account, a couple of personal ones, when I look other day, about 2k in one, all night ur savings when on his business start up. His business bank acc had around 40k in

When I rang the solicitor, she said to call back in a week or so, let the initial feelings blow over and then we will talk, she said no mad rush??? Your all saying differently so wondering if I should contact someone else?

then he flips "WHY WONT YOU BELIEVE ME, I DIDNT DO ANYTHING? Starts shouting and banging about, then shouts he doesn't care tell whoever I fucking want, sell the fucking house, he packs a load of clothes into his car boot and throws the house key at me!

Ugh even though we all always say "I promise no matter how sorry they are now, they ALWAYS turn nasty when they realise you really are done with them" it's still so disappointing every time it's true.

You're doing really well, you sound so lovely and I really respect you for being so strong and clear with your boundaries.

Him creeping in with a brew and a forehead kiss... cringe he thought that would make any difference at all!

Stay strong

Hi op,

I personally think you need to act fast, where the financials are concerned, speak to another solicitor.

He's shown you he's been thinking about the financials, don't let him shift or siphon money about.
Don't tell him anything, especially his parents and friends.

He is angry now and feels the marriage is a lost cause to fight for, as you have begun to tell others.

He is loosing control, keep youself safe as some men can turn very nasty.

I would call another solicitor, it's not up to them to decide if it's the right time for you, it's not exactly a quick process anyway.

I agree. Call another solicitor. This one sounds like they are putting you off as they may be snowed under as it’s January (busy time for divorce lawyers).
Make sure you sift through all the paperwork with a fine tooth comb.

Sorry I need help understanding what happened last night.

I have been consistent with him, we are separating. I've done everything you all said in terms of legal action, mortgage advisors are working on remortgage. It is happening.

Last night, something flipped again, it was like the early days, I started crying and it was fierce, angry, desperate. I thought the shock had gone but it all felt raw again.

I started sending him nasty messages, which I've not done once. Then crying desperately again, he rang, heard me and came round. I hit out abit, I cried, he cried, and we had sex. We both had sex whilst crying, I bit him, it was the most bizarre and intense experience.

Wtf?? This can't happen again, I only had 2 glasses of wine but I'm not going to drink again, not until ok strong enough. I just don't want him now thinking all is well.

I'm so confused by my actions, hands down I hate him and there's no chance I am staying with him.

OP look up trauma bonding.

Sorry op, its Hysterical Bonding I was thinking of.

He's disgusting op!
I don't have any advice I'm afraid, just sympathy.

Thanks will look that up. Just so mad at myself.

Just don't want him thinking there's now a chance. I have messaged him this morning apologising for giving him the wrong messages. That I don't know where all that emotion came from and nothing has changed.

He's just replied saying he's loves and needs me so much! What the fuck have I done? Looking up Hysterical Bonding now