Please help me - what do I do

[spongebobscaredypants]

Can someone please tell me what to do, my and DH haven't been great. I'm not happy, he's good dad etc but inconsiderate and takes me for granted.

Ok I've just been on his iPad and his messages are there. I had a look, I don't know why but I did. He's been arranging to meet a prostitute. He's posted her underwear, I can't tell for definite if he's been but he's currently messaging her to meet tomorrow at 11.

Do I ring him now and tell him to fuck off or shall I wait to see if he goes tomorrow? I have her address so could get proper proof. But I think I already have enough proof, I also track him on my find friends. All the family are on, shall I catch him on that?

What a twat. Well done 🍷

Watch your back. He will wheel out the suicide threats again now he he knows it gets him a big diversion.

As a person who regularly suffers with severe suicidal thoughts, I would never ever ever threaten anyone with this. It's the very last thing I want people to know about when I feel like that.

Just call the police every time.

It's better that you called the police for a welfare check rather than rushing to his aid in person, which is what he would ideally have wanted. And that he was taken elsewhere rather than you letting him home. You've shown him that while he can use the threat, you will take it up with the authorities in an official capacity but not deal with it personally. You should be really proud of yourself.

He's made it clear he thinks women are a commodity. He has also disrespected you hugely and betrayed you. A punter is a punter is a punter. It's hugely unlikely he happened to get caught the first time he did this. It's also unlikely he
'couldn't go through with it'. Men like this see women as lesser than.

You've done so well to make a definitive decision. You will never look at him the same way again, so there is no going back.

I personally think you're being an absolute boss about this and I'm really glad you had some cuddles and a movie last night.

If he threatens self harm again, call the police. In the meantime, seek legal advice ASAP re splitting and also work out a way he can't contact you about anything other than the children - eg block him on your phone and set up a separate email address only used for contact with him from now on. Then only check it as and when you want.

Stay strong

That is exactly the right approach - call the police every time and he will soon learn that he can't use this to get your attention or forgiveness. Or tell him you'll call his mum (unless she's lovely).

Start to pull everything together for your call with the solicitor. Think about salaries, savings, mortgage or rental agreements, who has care of the kids, interim access to the kids, what's going to happen with any joint accounts/immediate bill payments, what you want long term.

Your natural inclination will be to pause all of the legal stuff because you're still in shock, all I will say is that your H will very, very quickly move from despair to hard done by/it's all your fault for not doing the do. Do not count on his 'anguish' and sense of what's right to do the right things for the DCs or the fair thing for you. Act fast and act decisively.

Your natural inclination will be to pause all of the legal stuff because you're still in shock, all I will say is that your H will very, very quickly move from despair to hard done by/it's all your fault for not doing the do. Do not count on his 'anguish' and sense of what's right to do the right things for the DCs or the fair thing for you. Act fast and act decisively.

This is great advice. He will likely turn nasty, most do. And it will, obviously only in his twisted narrative, be your fault for ending it over one minor discretion.

In reality you're ending it because he has cheated, more than once by his own admission, shown you he thinks women are commodities and even threatened suicide as a blackmail tactic.

He isn't who you thought he was and unfortunately that will become more and more clear as he realises you aren't taking him back and a divorce is looming.

Solicitor appointment while you're still angry is good too as you'll be running on adrenaline and things will feel clearer in that time, when that adrenaline wears off you will go through a grieving process and that's when you're most vulnerable to the soon to be ex being a manipulative arsehole.

God I've never been as sad in my whole life, feel like I've been run over this morning. Can't stop crying

He's just been home. Honestly, didn’t expect this but I feel really sorry for him. He’s ruined everything and said he was so close to giving up last night.

He says he doesn’t know how or why, he just started watching porn which he’s never been that into and it became addictive, he says he was watching it all the time, I asked when? He said all the time as soon as I fall asleep, sat on couch when we were there, whenever he gets a spare minute at work, he said that’s been going on for about 6 weeks, then with not working over Christmas he had more spare time and it just got more out of hand. Then links started popping up advertising girls.

He swears on our childrens lives nothing happened which I believe, and says he didn’t know if he was going to go today, which I don’t believe.

He’s going to ring docs and get online and look for porn addiction counselling. He keeps saying we can get through this, he didn’t do anything, we’ve got everything, he can’t live without me, but what I should just say ok? This is my life.

I feel awful, it’s like I’ve drank a gallon of wine last night or something. Told kids they've got the day off school and sent friend to pharmacy for something strong for my head, I've taken brufen and paracetamol and it's not helped at all

I'm so sorry op! Such a nightmare that you're living in right now!
I don't know what to tell you, but others have given you some really good advice! Sending you love x

Gosh you lot are brilliant ok I'll put a list together now for solicitor

You have a choice re this man and you do not have to accept any of his apparant pleadings. Swearing on the kids lives indeed; he is one hell of a manipulative shit isn't he and why use them at all?. He is clearly not the man you thought he was and I would be telling him to move out and give you space. Whilst he is out of the marital home I would be seeking legal advice as a matter of priority. He will probably do an about face soon enough and show further nastiness when he finally realises that you are serious about ending the marriage.

You know he's lying right? Of course he fucked the prostitute! As if he'd go all the way there, pay the money, buy her stuff to dress up in and then not go through with it because he felt bad.

He didn't feel bad when clicking the link in the first place, nor when he reached out with a message, he didn't feel guilty buying knickers or when he bagged them up to send to her, he didn't feel like he was betraying you whilst he was paying her the money or driving over, but he wants you to believe that all of a sudden, when faced with a woman he could have 'fantasy sex' with, he bottled it. Bullshit.

If this was your mates boyfriend wouldn't you think he was a disgusting loser?

If you forgive him you are giving him the green light to do it again, but this time he will hide it better.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. This is not your fault. This is totally, completely his doing. Free yourself and leave the bastard.

He swears on our childrens lives nothing happened which I believe, and says he didn’t know if he was going to go today, which I don’t believe.

I'm so sorry but they ALL, all, all say that. My ex swore on his dads life. His dad had cancer at the time. I later pointed this out after his cheating was proven and he said "thanks for bringing up that my dad has cancer."

He will turn nasty when he realises you aren't taking him back which is why it's so important you continue to get support on here but really really really important you get some real life support. Can you tell a friend / family member so they can help you emotionally and practically?

He spiralled in six weeks from escalating porn use to booking a prostitute, buying lingerie for her (great use of family finances) visiting her once and visiting her again? Bullshit. And even if it was true why on EARTH would that make it excusable or forgivable in his mind?! This wasn't even a moment of madness, he booked, bought the stuff, went, went back... ugh he is vile. You will never, ever look at this man in the same way again.

You need to lawyer up and grey rock and he needs to find somewhere to stay. "If you love and respect me like you claim, you will leave the house, stay elsewhere and only discuss the children with me as necessary while I process what's happened." Buys you time to get your 'ducks in a row' as so often said on here.

From the moment he leaves, grey rock. "I have made it clear this is not up for discussion, I only wish to have necessary contact about the children." "As stated, I am not discussing anything other necessary information about the children." "I have made it clear I will only discuss the children as necessary." Rinse and repeat.

I'm so sorry

And while I wouldn't engage him in this particular argument, how gross that I bet if it had been with a friend or coworker it would somehow be worse as they are 'real' women to him. I bet he thinks that him saying it was just 'fantasy' sex makes it more forgivable when in fact it is worse to many people, including me, as it means he hasn't just cheated, he's revealed that he believes women are commodities and prostitutes aren't 'real' people. Ugh. I hate him for you.

He’s following the script “suiicide when called out to get sympathy” tick.

“Oh it’s a mental health issue I’ll get counselling” tick

Mine did the same, I called the police too. I felt sorry for him and forgave him too.

He played ball then shagged my best mate. It’s odd being in it because you truly believe them.

Don’t be me and drag this shit out for a wasted year if you me life. He did it, depression/addiction doesn’t excuse a total destruction of not giving a shit about you.

Get a solicitor and get him out, it’s easier faster believe me. There is life on the other side. This life if you choose it will destroy you over time and no, it’s not possible to truly get past it and feel safe again.

So sorry you are going through this the messages would be enough for me to end it. I would never trust him again. Blaming a porn addiction to me is just an excuse he has been caught

he is a lying fucktard OP.

Be strong enough to leave him permanently.

What I would want to say to him is.....

What's the point, why even try to claw anything back, it's not like I'm ever gonna sleep with you again is it?
Would you? I wouldn't know what I was gonna catch.

But if you do go for divorce, don't say anything, the longer he thinks he has hope by you not exploding and exposing your hand of divorce, gives you the time to gather all your ducks in a row and get ahead of him.

Dirty dickhead.
Exit stage left.

Please don't entertain him responding to messages or having him round.
He's lying about not having done anything with the prostitute. And he was back for more.

He'd been sending her underwear... that's not novice behaviour. That's someone who is very comfortable using sex professionals.

You've probably uncovered the tip of the iceberg. Do not cave in to feeling sorry for him. Or thinking this was just a small mistake. It wasn't, it's huge and horrible.

Stay strong OP. You don't want this kind of shit in your future.

He's only upset because he's been found out.

Agree with PP - he will have had sex with her

And he's not actually suicidal - far too special to remove himself permanently from the planet

All these men who visit prostitutes and ‘never go through with it’ really? It must be easy money for these girls! These guys turn up, hand over the money and don’t even get their kit off.....

If you fall for that transparent load of crap, you'll just be back on here in a few months asking what to do now because he's done it again.

"I swear on the kids lives" - everything that follows will be a lie. Always.

Think about it - have you ever sworn on your child's life about ANYTHING?

Ask him, "Shall I tell the DC you're happy for them to die if it means I'll believe Daddy didn't put his penis in a prostitute?"

Obviously don't. In fact just don't bother talking to him again except to sort out the practicalities. He fancied fucking someone else, he did, you caught him out the second time. No discussion needed. Game over, get yourself in the right headspace to move forward.

You now have the evidence you needed to push you out of an unhappy relationship. Stay strong, focus on co-parenting the kids.

@spongebobscaredypants

So he wasn’t suicidal when the police were with him but as soon as he got in front of you, he suddenly was again?

It’s complete and utter manipulation designed to make you take on responsibility for his mental health and cave. That’s all it is.

He absolutely should get addiction counselling so he can be a father to his children.

However, he doesn’t get to use it as a free pass. When it was getting out of control he could have talked to you.

Instead he arranged to see a prostitute. Twice.

Funny how he wants help after he’s been caught but not before he went to all that effort.

It’s almost like he’s not sorry at all - just sorry his cushy deal is up.

Hope the talk with your solicitor friend goes ok.

@MaizeBlouse You know he's lying right?

Don’t be naive @spongebobscaredypants. He’s playing it by the book. Don’t fall for it.

Get him gone!!

I mean, he probably is addicted to porn, that part is likely true. That doesn't have to be your problem though. You don't have to nurse along a relationship with an addicted man, whether it's porn, booze or heroin, you are allowed to end your relationship.

But that isn't all it is. He has visited a prostitute once and was planning to go back again today (that you know of). Like fuck he didn't do anything the first time, if it was the first time.

I don't want to pile the agony on, but I don't think anyone has mentioned getting an STI test - you absolutely should. Sorry.