Please help me get dh to see how he deals with stress is wrong

[Glasslamppicture]

Long story which I’ll try to summarise. Dh has a chronic health condition which causes him pain in his feet. I understand that this is hard to live with and causes him stress.
He is also a negative kind of person with a bit of a temper, he was never taught by his parents how to deal with emotions properly, in fact his temperament of being quick to anger, he has got from his parents, no doubt about that. It’s hard to unlearn this kind of thing.
Lockdown is stressful, his work is stressful, homeschooling our kids is stressful, his feet are painful which is stressful. He doesn’t deal with stress well and he over reacts to things, often ending up with him calling me a name or getting angry with me, sometimes in front of our kids. He always realises he is wrong and promises to change but never does, always talks about how it’s the stress etc. Yes well I’m stressed too but I manage to not take it out on him. He’s a loving father, a good provider, not selfish, loves me, would never cheat. Umpteen great things about him. But, I’m realising that my life with him will always be like this, he’ll be giving excuses about being stressed when we’re 70 and he’s got in a strop with me over nothing. I don’t want to end this marriage at all but at the same time I’m scared for the future and that I’ll be old and regretful and resentful. If only he could truly realise that stress is not an excuse and that he needs to find ways to deal with the stress like a sensible and reasonable adult. How do I make him really really see this?

Therapy? Anger management classes? I don't think he will listen to you, as you've already discussed it with him.

Well, realistically he's not going to change. You have to decide whether you can live with it or not.

I have a long-term chronic condition which causes extreme pain in my feet and toes (psoriatic arthritis) and other parts of my body. It's grim when it's bad.

I have had to take responsibility for dealing with this, though, through asking for help.

I asked for a GP referral (to Rheumatologist in my case).

I have given prescribed medications a good go. I can't not take meds - I've accepted that.

I accepted a referral to Physio and I do the prescribed movements every day.

I self-referred to a NHS talking therapy service. I had to wait a while but I now have lovely zoom counsellor who specialises in long-term chronic conditions.

I'm happy to report that things are now a lot better than they were in June.

Has your DH initiated any requests for help at all?

@GingerNorthernLass

Well, realistically he's not going to change. You have to decide whether you can live with it or not.

I really don’t see myself going through all the awfulness of a split over this. If he’d cheated for example, then yes but this isn’t a black and white situation. It would be so hard to maintain the strength to go through all of that when things are good most of the time. But yet I have that awful fear that I will resent him in the future and struggle to love him in 20 years. How do you leave someone in those circumstances, when you love them now but fear they will push you to not loving them in the future? I don’t want to be on my own, I don’t want to meet someone else, I just want him to behave more reasonably.

How old is he? Over 40 and he’s not going to change, he’ll be set in his ways and simply not want to.

@JamieLeeCurtains

I have a long-term chronic condition which causes extreme pain in my feet and toes (psoriatic arthritis) and other parts of my body. It's grim when it's bad.

I have had to take responsibility for dealing with this, though, through asking for help.

I asked for a GP referral (to Rheumatologist in my case).

I have given prescribed medications a good go. I can't not take meds - I've accepted that.

I accepted a referral to Physio and I do the prescribed movements every day.

I self-referred to a NHS talking therapy service. I had to wait a while but I now have lovely zoom counsellor who specialises in long-term chronic conditions.

I'm happy to report that things are now a lot better than they were in June.

Has your DH initiated any requests for help at all?

That’s interesting, thanks for sharing. Sorry that you have this condition. I have mentioned marriage counselling before but he hasn’t been keen, I think he thinks that I would be doing it to “seek permission” to leave him. We had friends that went to counselling, did 2 sessions then divorced, a bit of a rubber stamping I think and I reckon dh is scared of that. But maybe it’s not marriage counselling we need

@WitchesNest

How old is he? Over 40 and he’s not going to change, he’ll be set in his ways and simply not want to.

Early 40’s

I suppose the question really is do you want your kids to turn out this way or want your kids to have to put up with this kind of behaviour from a partner as they've grown up thinking its normal because dad does it?
He's going to repeat the same pattern he learmed from his parents with his kids.
If you framed it like that to him do you think it would prompt him to get help?

@TDMN

I suppose the question really is do you want your kids to turn out this way or want your kids to have to put up with this kind of behaviour from a partner as they've grown up thinking its normal because dad does it? He's going to repeat the same pattern he learmed from his parents with his kids. If you framed it like that to him do you think it would prompt him to get help?

No I don’t want them to think this is normal. And yes I’ve said that to him many times and he sees it, but not in the heat of the moment. If we split though, the kids would still be around him and see the behaviour though, so... how would that even work? I’d tell them that the reason we couldn’t be together is his behaviour and I don’t want them to think it’s normal? Seems harsh to say to them about their loving dad, but if I didn’t then they wouldn’t have benefitted from the split in any way as they wouldn’t understand that’s what I couldn’t deal with? So many questions

What is the position on his pain/anger management? Is he doing anything to help himself? Has he explored alternative therapies/CBT? If not, has it just been coming from you?

I work with people whose lives have been affected long term by illness. People do seem to naturally fall into two camps. Either they will do all they can to help themselves or they don't! The ones who are self motivated are the ones who make the most gains. Healthcare staff and medication can only do so much to help someone. A lot of the work they actually have to do themselves.

You are starting to resent him. How will you feel in 5, 10, 15 or 20 years if this continues?

You can't fix this on your own. It needs to be coming from him and you can't make him do this. He needs to want to do it himself. He needs to know that you are not prepared to be a punchbag for the rest of your life. If he doesn't change his behaviours then there is a good chance he is going to lose you.

OP you said I don’t want to end this marriage at all but at the same time I’m scared for the future and that I’ll be old and regretful and resentful

Have you told him that clearly and unambiguously?

Yes I’ve told him that I’m worried that in the future I won’t love him and will just resent him. It’s so hard though, I want to make sure I’m being reasonable, I don’t want to issue threats about leaving, (especially if I’m not going to follow through,) as a marriage shouldn’t be about threats, but at the same time, when I talk about the future and how I might feel, he looks scared and worried about it, but it seems far off I suppose and not the actual reality right now, and in the heat of the moment he forgets all of this and reacts in the same way every time.

It's awful when you're in pain and it can be terrible to live with, but you didn't cause this and he has no right to take it out in you, name calling is unforgivable in my book. He can express his unhappiness to you but there's really no excuse for anger directed at you. He can be angry, but not at you.

Your dc will view this as normal, add that to the fact of living with this until you die? Do you really want that.

I think I'd suggest anger management for him, it would be a deal breaker for me

Ginger, he is quite proactive in healing himself with his health condition, always doing the exercises for it etc but I know it gets him down and I understand that, although he doesn’t think I really get it. That’s another difficult thing, living with someone with a chronic condition isn’t easy and I’m often accused of not understanding or not giving enough leeway

@Glasslamppicture

Ginger, he is quite proactive in healing himself with his health condition, always doing the exercises for it etc but I know it gets him down and I understand that, although he doesn’t think I really get it. That’s another difficult thing, living with someone with a chronic condition isn’t easy and I’m often accused of not understanding or not giving enough leeway

What else does he do?

Personal therapy? Pain relief? Anti-inflammatory diet? GP referrals?

Anger management counselling sounds like the way forward, thanks.
Yes he has pain relief but doesn’t want to become dependant on that which I understand. He tells me that he’s often in pain and manages to rein in his anger or frustration and that I don’t see that. This may be true of course and maybe I don’t give him credit for it if I can’t see it. But if that’s the case then why can’t he rein it in on other occasions too.

The only thing he'll understand is a direct and genuine threat to your relationship, here and now. He thinks you won't leave him so he has no reason to actually change.

Start talking about the possibility of it now. And mean it.

Do you actually think someone would change because of that threat though? If they won’t change because they can see it’s making their partner unhappy and has potential to damage their kids, that should be enough in my view to make the change. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t feel strongly enough about us to change for those reasons. Although maybe that’s unfair, I don’t know.

@Glasslamppicture

Do you actually think someone would change because of that threat though? If they won’t change because they can see it’s making their partner unhappy and has potential to damage their kids, that should be enough in my view to make the change. I’m disappointed that he doesn’t feel strongly enough about us to change for those reasons. Although maybe that’s unfair, I don’t know.

He might very well feel that's important and worth changing for, but there are other forces at work too.

We're all still animals and the survival instinct is strong. If he's in pain (and presumably not sleeping brilliantly as a result) then he'll be resorting to the most well-worn coping mechanisms he has, helpful or not. To kick that habit he needs to practise other ways of dealing with his frustration.

It sounds as though he may have some mechanisms for dealing with pain (albeit he's being cautious with medication) but not with frustrations/anger.

I think it's pretty selfish of any parent to play the 'I don't want to become dependent on pain medication' card, and instead form the habit of lashing out at their partner in front of the children.

People don't become dependent on ibuprofen and other NSAIDs, or on paracetamol. I learned the hard way that regular spacing of lower dose pain killers, and mindfulness, is much more effective than waiting for the pain to strike and washing down co-codomol with a glass of wine.

And tbh, if I need codeine I take codeine - and sooner rather than later. Better that than making everyone around me miserable.

This must be so frustrating for you. I hope you're ok

Thanks everyone. Your kindness is very much appreciated.
I’m ok but I’m also not. I’m so used to this that when he gets annoyed with me (last example was last week when I was with the kids homeschooling, he was in his office working, id made myself a cuppa but not asked him if he wanted one. He came through, saw I’d got a tea, started slamming things round making himself one and stormed out. It escalated a bit as I went to speak to him about it and he got angry with me) it’s such a familiar feeling and then I’m raging inside shouting at myself for again being walked over or treading on eggshells over something stupid. He won’t understand that feeeling of “not this again” as he’s not on the receiving end of it but it’s hard to bear

My Dad is 70 and makes my mum's life pretty miserable with this type of behaviour. Everything ends in a snappy tantrum. Everything.

Do his parents have a chronic pain issue "causing" their "anger" issues? Or do they use a different excuse for abusing people?

@RMRM

My Dad is 70 and makes my mum's life pretty miserable with this type of behaviour. Everything ends in a snappy tantrum. Everything.

That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. I’m sorry your parents are this way.

@user1174147897

Do his parents have a chronic pain issue "causing" their "anger" issues? Or do they use a different excuse for abusing people?

I know, I know. To be honest he’s always been like this, since before he was ill, and I do honestly think this is a bit of a handy excuse now, but at the same time I know lining with pain is v v hard and difficult and maybe I’d be a pain in the arse if it was me. Hand on heart though I know this is just him, he’d be like this if he wasn’t in pain. There’s always stress in life and we have to work round it without taking it out on others. It’s just really hard to say all this without looking really unsympathetic to his health issues