Please help me get dh to see how he deals with stress is wrong

[Glasslamppicture]

Long story which I’ll try to summarise. Dh has a chronic health condition which causes him pain in his feet. I understand that this is hard to live with and causes him stress.
He is also a negative kind of person with a bit of a temper, he was never taught by his parents how to deal with emotions properly, in fact his temperament of being quick to anger, he has got from his parents, no doubt about that. It’s hard to unlearn this kind of thing.
Lockdown is stressful, his work is stressful, homeschooling our kids is stressful, his feet are painful which is stressful. He doesn’t deal with stress well and he over reacts to things, often ending up with him calling me a name or getting angry with me, sometimes in front of our kids. He always realises he is wrong and promises to change but never does, always talks about how it’s the stress etc. Yes well I’m stressed too but I manage to not take it out on him. He’s a loving father, a good provider, not selfish, loves me, would never cheat. Umpteen great things about him. But, I’m realising that my life with him will always be like this, he’ll be giving excuses about being stressed when we’re 70 and he’s got in a strop with me over nothing. I don’t want to end this marriage at all but at the same time I’m scared for the future and that I’ll be old and regretful and resentful. If only he could truly realise that stress is not an excuse and that he needs to find ways to deal with the stress like a sensible and reasonable adult. How do I make him really really see this?

Push for couples counselling. You can arrange it and inform him of the details. Does he want the marriage to work? It should not be negotiable.

My dh used to be like that. Always stress related too.
Once when he was having a rant and insulting, I calmly said to him ‘you know, your words used to affect me and now they mean nothing. You don’t affect me anymore. In fact, I feel less and less for you’
I don’t think anything shocked him as much. Like your dh, mine always knew he was in the wrong. He was always embarrassed afterwards and always apologised but if they don’t change their behaviour, it means nothing at all.
Like a pp suggested, if he starts anything now, I just say ‘stop right now.’ and he realises.

He won't change
He doesn't have to.
Doesn't want to.
Why should he , in his eyes.

He's the authority in your home.
There is no equality.

His moods may well escalate as you get older as you refuse to pacify him.
His sense of entitlement will only increase, you are waiting for him to understand and change for the better.

He will not change for the better, he will get worse.

sorry op

He needs a plan. Agree that Next time he feels cross he needs to leave the house and go for a walk so that you and the kids don’t listen to his rubbish. He can role model better behaviour to the kids

The example you give with the cup of tea isn't stress though, it's verbal abuse.

Patricia Evans (you should read her books) says that abusers aren't abusive because they're angry, they're angry because they're abusive. Anger or stress is no excuse for abusive behaviour. And yes your kids will be witnessing this and soaking it in.

Read her books (there's one called the Verbally Abusive Relationship, I can't remember what the other one is called).

@Onthedunes

He won't change He doesn't have to. Doesn't want to. Why should he , in his eyes.

He's the authority in your home.
There is no equality.

His moods may well escalate as you get older as you refuse to pacify him.
His sense of entitlement will only increase, you are waiting for him to understand and change for the better.

He will not change for the better, he will get worse.

sorry op

Agree with this. You sound scared of him. Saying he's not keen on going to couple's counselling is no acceptable-shows he likes the status quo and doesn't give a monkeys if you're hurt and upset. I promise you would be much happier if you left him. Read some of the threads of women who leave these men. Imagine no longer walking on eggshells in your own house.

I spoke to him about it last night. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was his punchbag and he didn’t treat anyone else the same way. I acknowledged that life is stressful but that I didn’t want to hear him say this again as a reason for his behaviour. That the only issue at play is how he handles himself, stress or no stress. That I can’t love someone or live my life with someone who treats me this way and that I was pretty sure that in a few years I would have no feelings left for him but that I still love him now. I told him I can’t do anything about this, it’s up to him to save the marriage and he is the only one who can do it. Let’s see.
Thanks again for your support, it does help.

I was just about to say that OP - you trying to fix him is unlikely to change anything. It needs to come from him.

He needs to decide how to deal with his temper.

Glad you've had that conversation with him. I guess the ball is in his court now..

@Glasslamppicture

I spoke to him about it last night. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was his punchbag and he didn’t treat anyone else the same way. I acknowledged that life is stressful but that I didn’t want to hear him say this again as a reason for his behaviour. That the only issue at play is how he handles himself, stress or no stress. That I can’t love someone or live my life with someone who treats me this way and that I was pretty sure that in a few years I would have no feelings left for him but that I still love him now. I told him I can’t do anything about this, it’s up to him to save the marriage and he is the only one who can do it. Let’s see. Thanks again for your support, it does help.

How did he respond to those points?

It wasn’t much of a discussion really, I didn’t want it to be. I said my piece, he started saying something about something I’d done. I told him to stop and that he needed to fully and properly understand that there was no excuse and to stop giving me them. I asked him if he wanted to say anything or just wanted to let it sink in and he said he wanted to think about it but that he agreed with everything I’d said. So I left it there. He needs to dwell on it I think. If I can see a slight shift in his responses (as he often says the “right” thing afterwards) towards him totally accepting that it’s him and not me, and he will stop making excuses, then I think that’s progress. Of course though the next hurdle is to change behaviour. So a long way to go but I feel much better for having got it clear in my mind and told him it all so straight.

Really well done @Glasslamppicture, that's exactly what was needed and I'm so impressed that you felt able to go through with it. I know it's not easy, especially when you've got used to the role of punchbag.

Really, really good to read this, keep going dear girl xx

Aah thanks peach. I’m quite strong and have always told him he’s unreasonable but the thread made me see I’ve been doing it in the wrong way. It definitely felt different speaking to him yesterday and I sense that he felt it was different too

My dad sounds like your H. He's mellowed over the years, but he'll always been shouty, stressed, quick to anger.

My mom just ignores him now. He almost never gets a reaction out of her.

I couldn't live the way she does! But that's her choice. He won't change is what I'm saying. My dad will never acknowledge that the way he processes emotions is not healthy

I really wish you the best.

Oops sorry didn't see your updates! Well done to you and I hope you get the result you seek

DH used to be the same.

It wasn't until our eldest DC started to mirror his behaviour and got excluded from school for outbursts of temper that I realised that I hadn't helped by walking on eggshells and trying to calm him down. It still makes me feel sick that our DC grew up thinking punch holes in the walls and doors was normal. I justified it by thinking "well he'd never hit me". My standards were far too low.

We had a year apart. He didn't think he needed help, put the whole situation at my door saying I was having a nervous breakdown. But I held firm, the DC wouldn't be around him without me, and very very sloooooowly he realised that if he didn't change, it was game over.

It's not been perfect, no marriage is, but it's a hell of a lot better. And he knows that I withdraw and refuse to engage if he does get angry - and I won't be drawn back until he has apologised and meant it. Each and every time, he has to accept that he's behaved badly - and that's made the difference.