Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Partner went through old phone.. again

148 replies

doireallyneedaname · 17/01/2021 09:15

My partner and I have been together for five years and share a 1 year old.

A few years ago he went through an old phone of mine and saw some historic text exchanges between myself and other men that quite frankly, made him feel like shit. I was a different person back then with the main difference being I was a very open sexually and was a huge flirt.

Anyway, yesterday evening I noticed something was off with my partner and found out he’d been through another old phone going over the same messages.

He was in tears saying that it’s clear I just don’t want him the way I did those other guys, because I don’t talk to him like I did them, or act the same way.

I reminded him some of those messages were a decade ago but he says he feels jealous that I had all these wild experiences with other men and have no desire to do anything similar with him.

Our sex life is pretty standard; although it’s definitely decreased over the last couple of years. Once a month, maybe.

The thing is, we are both quite submissive and I am sure he wants me to make the suggestions. Last night he told me he’d once sent me a photo of something a bit frisky and I ignored it, so he didn’t try again. He said he felt knocked back, but I can’t even remember the photo nor did I know that was an attempt at suggesting that whatever it was.

He says we are not close intimately anymore and that it’s clear I’m just not attracted to him. I am, but I have a lot of anxiety surrounding other issues which he knows about, and honestly that overrules everything and leaves no real desire for any intimacy.

I feel bad but equally I can’t understand why he’s comparing me today to who I was 10 years ago.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I should add he is a very loving and caring partner, a far cry from my previous relationships which were awful. He said “ do I have to be an arsehole to make you want me” and that makes me sad because he’s such a sensitive, sweet soul. The dynamic is different between us and the people in the conversations he read, I didn’t love those people and I was just a young girl showing off and talking rubbish.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

5pForAPlasticBag · 17/01/2021 10:28

I was your DH in this scenario.

I’m sorry to say, that for me, it has eaten away inside me for most of our relationship and intimacy has become toxic between us because of it. The details were that she faked every orgasm with me for 6 years then had an affair and I found her diary detailing the multiple orgasms she had with her AP and how uncontrollable her attraction was for him. You read stuff like that and a part of you you never knew existed breaks. She did what you did - claimed it was exaggeration and that she was lost in the whirlwind of an affair. It didn’t wash then and it doesn’t wash now.

When you sense that a woman is capable of operating at such a high level of lust and sexual drive with other men - just not you - you feel like a failure beyond redemption. You feel like you’re a convenience, a compromise, a sperm donor, an ATM and a social accessory. It has blighted all aspects of my life: my relationship with her, my friends, my career, my family. I stayed because I fell for the commonly touted lie that a bit of counselling and talking and time would restore trust and intimacy. I fully invested in all that but it failed. Nothing she can say can convince me she is attracted to me. When we rarely have sex I’m not into it. It feels like pity - she says it’s not - and I feel worse afterwards. Even if she could summon up the genuine enthusiasm to be the sexual person with me that she was for him, I’d assume it was an act. I fantasise about never having met her even though we are a “magazine cover perfect” family of 4.

Don’t underestimate the impact this has on him. I don’t have any advice on how to fix it. Not sure if it actually can be.

Polyxena · 17/01/2021 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/01/2021 10:38

I was your DH in this scenario.

Your partner was messaging someone they had an affair with, OP's husband is reading messages between OP and exes from before they were together.

Completely different and not comparable at all in my opinion.

I am really sorry you went through what you did, it sounds heartbreaking, but what OP's husband is doing is punishing and guilt tripping her for her sex life previous to him as well as totally overstepping boundaries by reading private messages - from before they were even together!

SoupDragon · 17/01/2021 10:41

Maybe delete the text messages/wipe the phone this time!

Harmarsuperstar · 17/01/2021 10:42

Why does he keep going through your phones?

StrippedFridge · 17/01/2021 10:46

Why on earth did you keep the phones? Especially after he was upset by your old "love letters" last time. Presumably you are going back and re-reading the messages of the past yourself, that's why you have old phones kept. Either be more discreet or get rid of them..

E1ffelTower · 17/01/2021 10:47

He sounds like he wants to be a permanent victim even though you did nothing wrong. Honestly, that would turn me off even more. He has no right to go through your old things. No advice as this would give me the ick.

Shoxfordian · 17/01/2021 10:47

He’s out of order going through your old phones to berate you about your sex life. Doesn’t sound like a good boyfriend to me, I’d dump him for this if I were you

youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/01/2021 10:49

@Shoxfordian

He’s out of order going through your old phones to berate you about your sex life. Doesn’t sound like a good boyfriend to me, I’d dump him for this if I were you

This is a really good point. Why on earth would you not have gotten rid of it?

partyatthepalace · 17/01/2021 10:54

Sorry you are having this issue OP.

Set what 5pForAPlasticBag says aside - they are talking about their v specific experience.

It sounds like your marriage needs some TLC, so I suggest you sit down w your partner and tell him how much you love and value him and point out that being in a partnership and parenting a child are deeply different from your shag fest 20s.

Before you have this conv sit down and think what you think could be better and encourage him to say what he thinks could be better. Would you both like to be having sex once a week? Twice a week? Start with once. You have a young kid and if neither of you are leaders in the bedroom you gotta schedule the time and also make time to talk c about what you would like to try. Also can you get grandparents to take the baby so you can book a weekend away post lockdown.

And then finally - allowing for the fact that everyone is in a weird place right now - tell him he is being an idiot going through you old phone. I think you both need to be more assertive and worth saying that to him - painting himself as a victim isn’t attractive. I don’t think you should tell him you will Chuck the phone - up to you - but would be a nice thing to do.

LooseMooseHoose · 17/01/2021 10:54

@5pforaplasticbag Your situation is completely different in that trust was broken in your relationship.

OP has broken no trust, her partner has done that to himself with his actions. Every relationship has different sexual dynamics and I can fully understand the young girl showing off dynamic.

I'm afraid I have no advice for the OP, but I felt like the first response is unfair.

welliguessitwouldbenice · 17/01/2021 10:54

I’ve been the young woman you describe, sexually adventurous but in retrospect, just people pleasing. I’m not that person now and a loving, vanilla relationship which is what I want. I’d cringe if I re-read any messages from the previous days. If that’s not who you are now, why have you kept the messages? I think this is partly what is making your partner insecure. Are you secretly hankering for that life again?

Pringlemonster · 17/01/2021 10:57

Bin the bloody phone
Who’s phone is it??
Surely he’s not snooping through an old phone of yours? Reading messages that were never meant for his eyes
That’s as bad as reading someone’s post
It’s creepy and controlling
He’s trying to punish you for your past by making you feel guilty
How nasty

daisyjgrey · 17/01/2021 10:58

...why do you have a catalogue of old phones with decade old message on for a start?

SimplyRadishing · 17/01/2021 10:59

@Shoxfordian

He’s out of order going through your old phones to berate you about your sex life. Doesn’t sound like a good boyfriend to me, I’d dump him for this if I were you

They were from BEFORE you met. you have a right to a past/history

This is an instance why has HAS invaded ypur privacy and it is not okay.

At best he is imature but I think he wants to be the victim/saint and use this as a stick to beat you (the sinner) with.
Whether the only woman's hand he held was his mums or if he was trying to hump anything with a pulse doesn't matter.

You need to ask yourself WHY is he PURPOSEFULLY doing this?

I had similar and gave it short shrift.

Ultimately, He needs to shape up or ship out because you can't change the past.

Almost everyone I know is totally different in their 20s to their 30s.
One friend shagged her exec in the office on her bosses after hours and ultimately got asked to leave. She is now a mum of 2 who wear a practical anoraks and brings tupperware snacks and her own decaff tea bags everywhere - people change!!!

5pForAPlasticBag · 17/01/2021 11:00

I didn’t claim my experience is exactly as the OPs. Mine involved betrayal whereas hers does not. Where it is similar is that he is judging himself against her previous lovers and specifically her sexual persona with those men. He feels insecure because, on the evidence he is presented with, he is “less” in her eyes than they were. He fails to spark the same lustful response as her previous partners. This is corrosive knowledge.

Pringlemonster · 17/01/2021 11:00

Actually no
You have every right to keep your old phones ,with all the messages and photos from your past on
You have a right to keep them ,and for them to be private
I would never in a million years dream of going through an old or new phone of my husbands.
And I know he would never go through one of mine
Why are you putting up with this shit

Anon5623 · 17/01/2021 11:02

I agree with what the others have said re keeping the phone. If these messages are 10 years old it is very odd to keep them. Not saying he's right to go through your phone but I think it's odd you still have them.

As for moving forward, I think a conversation when he's calmed down about what you're both looking for from your sex life would be a good step. Shelve any embarassment - clearly he feels unfulfilled and if he's as wonderful as you say, this needs addressing.

Pringlemonster · 17/01/2021 11:02

He fails to spark the same lustful response as past partners.....

Then he needs to up his game doesn’t he ...ffs

Pringlemonster · 17/01/2021 11:04

Why is it odd she’s kept the phone?.....
Do you not keep letters ,photos of your past?
A phone is no different,with texts and photos in it

She can keep what she likes ,he needs to leave her stuff alone

5pForAPlasticBag · 17/01/2021 11:06

Then he needs to up his game doesn’t he ...ffs

Ah..were it that easy. Sexual chemistry is a delicate thing. Introduce some doubt and anxiety, add a dash of pressure and a sprinkling of resentment and BOOM! Disappointment.

Original poster

doireallyneedaname · 17/01/2021 11:08

Hi all. Thanks for the replies - I’ll read through properly now.

Re the old phones - I don’t know! There’s two, I use contract phones so when I get a new one the old one just gets chucked in a drawer and never thought of again! The messages he read were on Facebook messenger so they go back years. Definitely not keeping the phones to read back on anything myself.

OP posts:

Bekilted · 17/01/2021 11:10

Even if you'd gotten rid of the messages and there was nothing for him to find, he has still violated your trust and privacy at least twice. Not only that, but used the information to berate you and manipulate you into feeling sorry for him.

Any man who pulled that shit with me would be packing his bags.

Chalkcheese · 17/01/2021 11:12

He shouldn't have been snooping through your old phones and messages. I would be really upset about the invasion of privacy. He's now gaslighting you that you've done something wrong, when really he shouldn't even have the information. Also, I would struggle to find someone attractive that had a whinge about me not lusting after them. What a man child

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/01/2021 11:14

It sounds as though he could be controlling. Is he like this in other areas?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6