Partner went through old phone.. again

[doireallyneedaname]

My partner and I have been together for five years and share a 1 year old.

A few years ago he went through an old phone of mine and saw some historic text exchanges between myself and other men that quite frankly, made him feel like shit. I was a different person back then with the main difference being I was a very open sexually and was a huge flirt.

Anyway, yesterday evening I noticed something was off with my partner and found out he’d been through another old phone going over the same messages.

He was in tears saying that it’s clear I just don’t want him the way I did those other guys, because I don’t talk to him like I did them, or act the same way.

I reminded him some of those messages were a decade ago but he says he feels jealous that I had all these wild experiences with other men and have no desire to do anything similar with him.

Our sex life is pretty standard; although it’s definitely decreased over the last couple of years. Once a month, maybe.

The thing is, we are both quite submissive and I am sure he wants me to make the suggestions. Last night he told me he’d once sent me a photo of something a bit frisky and I ignored it, so he didn’t try again. He said he felt knocked back, but I can’t even remember the photo nor did I know that was an attempt at suggesting that whatever it was.

He says we are not close intimately anymore and that it’s clear I’m just not attracted to him. I am, but I have a lot of anxiety surrounding other issues which he knows about, and honestly that overrules everything and leaves no real desire for any intimacy.

I feel bad but equally I can’t understand why he’s comparing me today to who I was 10 years ago.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I should add he is a very loving and caring partner, a far cry from my previous relationships which were awful. He said “ do I have to be an arsehole to make you want me” and that makes me sad because he’s such a sensitive, sweet soul. The dynamic is different between us and the people in the conversations he read, I didn’t love those people and I was just a young girl showing off and talking rubbish.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

@daisyjgrey

...why do you have a catalogue of old phones with decade old message on for a start?

If the OP wants to keep her phones, that's up to her, surely? Not her whiney needy, boundary-smashing OH. And the other bloke on here shouldn't be reading diaries etc. An affair is entirely separate from invading privacy like this. Two wrongs don't make a right.

@5pForAPlasticBag

Jealous and insecurity happen with or without betrayal. It is clear this fella suffers from insecurity and the imagined images that go through his head of his wife’s past (compared to their shared present) are still painful. When women on MN complain about their spouse suddenly giving them ‘The Ick’, the almost unanimous response is that there is no coming back from that. I proffer that feelings of inadequacy is something of a male equivalent and sadly I think once that notion takes hold it comes to define the man - at least in that relationship - and coming back from that is a hard journey. In my case an impossible one. That’s not to say others wouldn’t be able to. The OPs spouse may well have gone ‘pain shopping’ by snooping you can argue that yes, but the fact is that he views his wife as being a vibrant and enthusiastic sexual being with others that she cannot be with him. The OP doesn’t say what their sex life was like before children so unless they were swinging from the chandeliers she can’t claim that motherhood has changed her. If that was the case, I’m sure she’d have used that line of argument already with him. Look - having an unremarkable sex-life is one thing. Having an unremarkable sex-life when you think you have concrete proof that your spouse is a bedroom tigress with others...that’s a very bitter pill. You turn that knowledge in on yourself and swing between depression and anger because you just can’t reconcile not being enough for someone you love. Shakespeare got famous writing about this stuff. It’s just how thinks work I’m afraid.

I find your take on things revolting .

Why should the op have to behave in the same sexual manner how as she was in the past because her partner has been snooping ?

You seem to assume that people stay static , that there is no growth or change.

Each new relationship has its own dynamic.

You are desperate to twist this to fit your narrative .

Why should the op have to behave in the same sexual manner how as she was in the past because her partner has been snooping ?

She absolutely shouldn't have to. And he shouldn't have snooped.

But it's still possible to react to his wobble of insecurity with a bit of empathy and compassion rather than throwing around words like "coerce" and "manipulate" - which I would save for alerting a poster to abusive situations.

Which the OP seems to have done from her last update.

And I never stated she should. I’m stating what it feels like to think that.

The OP doesn’t say what their sex life was like before children so unless they were swinging from the chandeliers she can’t claim that motherhood has changed her. If that was the case, I’m sure she’d have used that line of argument already with him. Look - having an unremarkable sex-life is one thing. Having an unremarkable sex-life when you think you have concrete proof that your spouse is a bedroom tigress with others...that’s a very bitter pill.

The male entitlement in this post is unreal.

You aren't listening to what anyone is saying. Your prerogative, but you may find you are able to heal and grow while losing some of that bitterness if you did listen and were open to the feelings and opinions of others.

You don't seem to have any idea how staggeringly entitled that post is.

If wanting to fulfil your partner’s sexual needs and in return feel fulfilled yourself, is male entitlement, then I think the World could do with a bit more male entitlement.

Fulfilling a partners sexual needs doesn’t necessarily mean a woman will feel fulfilled herself. Quite the opposite in some cases.

He's bang out of order reading through your old phones. I don't know what else to say beyond that.

“Fulfilling a partners sexual needs doesn’t necessarily mean a woman will feel fulfilled herself”
True - but not fulfilling them will guarantee she isn’t. It’s a great place to start to work on the rest.

@5pForAPlasticBag

“Fulfilling a partners sexual needs doesn’t necessarily mean a woman will feel fulfilled herself” True - but not fulfilling them will guarantee she isn’t. It’s a great place to start to work on the rest.

You have a very porny take on sex !

Any sentence that ends in "the World could do with a bit more male entitlement" is baffling!

Good luck as I say finding some peace with things that have happened to you, it's horrible to have someone betray you and your confidence trampled. I've been there.

But your palpable anger about a women saying this particular man in this particular instance shouldn't get a free pass for being invasive and unfair on his partner for being insecure is troubling. And you do sound incredibly entitled.

Describing sex with women as either boring / unremarkable or swinging from the chandeliers / tigress does smack almost as a Madonna / Whore complex - as there are swathes of grey in between but you seem to think women can be categorised rather than being evolving individuals with autonomy over their sexual behaviour.

People change and grow. OP doesn't want the sexual dynamic she had with other men a decade ago with her husband. He's perfectly entitled to leave if he isn't happy with that.

He's not entitled to invade her privacy, guilt trip her and especially not entitled to do so less than twelve months after she has given birth!

Good luck with everything.

That was to @5pForAPlasticBag obviously, not OP!

Quite the opposite. I find porn dull. It’s always about connection with me, which is why I miss terribly when I feel it’s not there. If I had a very porny view of sexual I’d be happy to to take the pity/duty sex because hey, a fvck is fvck right?

5p , do you think a woman should have sex with a man if she doesn’t want to?

@Pringlemonster

He fails to spark the same lustful response as past partners.....

Then he needs to up his game doesn’t he ...ffs

Fucks sake Would you say this about a woman who’s partner was had more varied sexual experiences before her?

@Purplethrow

5p , do you think a woman should have sex with a man if she doesn’t want to?

Do please point to my post where I said that.

“Fulfilling a partners sexual needs doesn’t necessarily mean a woman will feel fulfilled herself”
True - but not fulfilling them will guarantee she isn’t. It’s a great place to start to work on the rest

This part sounded to me that a woman should have sex to fulfill a man even if she gets no pleasure herself.
it’s a great place to start yes, for the man maybe.

He didn't just look through your phone, he looked at messages on your social media account. He could have read through recent conversations too, surely? I've had my privacy invaded in the same way and I think if you're looking for something, you'll find it.

@Purplethrow
That’s how you’ve chosen to interpret it. I really don’t understand why some women cannot grasp the notion that many men want to MEAN something to their wife on all levels, including the sexual. That many men only get a sense of intimacy if they trust that their wife feels the same. Do you really think that such a sentiment is a uniquely female trait? For those that believe so, it displays a shocking sexism.

Not all men think of sex as a purely dick wetting exercise. For most it is wrapped up in all kinds of positive emotional drives that, when successful, can result in a mutually life affirming positive feedback loop where everyone’s’ a winner.

[quote 5pForAPlasticBag]@Purplethrow
That’s how you’ve chosen to interpret it. I really don’t understand why some women cannot grasp the notion that many men want to MEAN something to their wife on all levels, including the sexual. That many men only get a sense of intimacy if they trust that their wife feels the same. Do you really think that such a sentiment is a uniquely female trait? For those that believe so, it displays a shocking sexism.

Not all men think of sex as a purely dick wetting exercise. For most it is wrapped up in all kinds of positive emotional drives that, when successful, can result in a mutually life affirming positive feedback loop where everyone’s’ a winner.[/quote]
It's a lot easier to want to shag someone, for me personally, when they don't talk to me like I'm stupid in a patronising way and don't display an entitled attitude towards sex.

A mutual, healthy respect is the basis of a healthy, fun, loving sex life. People are telling you how you're coming across and you're telling them they are wrong about you / misinterpreting etc. Maybe it's worth thinking about whether, even if they are wrong or you feel they have misinterpreted you, the tone you take with women and the entitlement that your words imply might be the reason you've had the reaction you have from posters such as me?

[quote 5pForAPlasticBag]**@Purplethrow
That’s how you’ve chosen to interpret it. I really don’t understand why some women cannot grasp the notion that many men want to MEAN something to their wife on all levels, including the sexual. That many men only get a sense of intimacy if they trust that their wife feels the same. Do you really think that such a sentiment is a uniquely female trait? For those that believe so, it displays a shocking sexism.

Not all men think of sex as a purely dick wetting exercise. For most it is wrapped up in all kinds of positive emotional drives that, when successful, can result in a mutually life affirming positive feedback loop where everyone’s’ a winner.[/quote]
@Purplethrow didn't misinterpret you - nothing you said in this particular post is anything they have even remotely implied they disagree with!

They are saying that if a woman doesn't want to have sex, the fact that giving her male partner pleasure may lead to her having pleasure too isn't enough reason for all women and they should not be chastised or judged in the way you've displayed for believing that is ok. It is ok. The partner who says no to sex should always get the final say. If the other partner hears no too many times for their liking / pride / confidence / self esteem they are well within their rights to vote with their feet and leave. That's their fair choice. Cajoling, guilt tripping and violating privacy are not fair choices.

I wouldn't stay with someone who didn't want to have sex with me anymore because it's something that makes me feel close to a partner and wanted. That doesn't mean I would make that partner feel like shit that they used to like doing things with people before I met them. Especially if I found that out by going through their old messages.

Nobody is saying men don't deserve to feel loved. They just aren't entitled to sex from a partner, ever. Exactly the same goes for women in straight relationships with men and anyone in any relationship at all!

The most telling response are the 2 from the OP who confirmed that her husband had echoed the sense of rejection I described and the feeling that they have been settled for. All other comments are meaningless to me.

The OP came on here with a problem. I didn’t have a solution just a male perspective of someone who feels rejected and corrosive effects inadequacy has on the male spirit.
The OP has gone on to say that she has neglected the intimacy side of her relationship and understands his sense of rejection and hurt. A lot of comments are focussed on the invasion of privacy he has shown but this does nothing to help the OP or her husband bridge the gap between them. Describing the hurt from the other side, reasonably held or otherwise, I would say is more helpful to the OP than many of the comments that effective say - he’s a dick LTB.

The most telling response are the 2 from the OP who confirmed that her husband had echoed the sense of rejection I described and the feeling that they have been settled for. All other comments are meaningless to me.

"I appreciate the thoughts of the two posters who said the same as me. All other comments are meaningless to me."

Best of luck with everything, though I'm sure you'll be fine as you are ever so confident you are 100% right about everything which is a super attractive quality in a friend or partner 👍🏻

Definitely a bad move going through your partners old phones. Especially when your relationship is not in the best of places from your partners perspective. All men want to be the one that ignites that unique and exclusive exciting form of passion in their partners. But as has been pointed out every relationship is different and brings with it different qualities and compromises. You can't be flamed for having a sexual past and life before your partner, its unfortunate that he's choose to stick his attention in to your past. So much so that he's going to struggle to unsee what he's read. His existing view of himself and his insecurities will have been deflated even more by reading them. As a man I can't see why he would seek to punish himself like this. The last thing I want to know is how or what my partner got up to or did with her previous partners. I remember lying with someone once after sex and them just happening to mention that their ex was hung like a race horse. I burst out laughing and said 'for fucks sake want do you want me to say to that" Perhaps not the best thing to say but yes certainly made one think on for a bit. The point is though how to move forward with this? Maybe just chuck the phones away. Not because you should but because I don't think you can trust your partner to not look at them again in the future if you are staying together. You've done absolutely nothing wrong and shouldn't be punished in any way.