Partner went through old phone.. again

[doireallyneedaname]

My partner and I have been together for five years and share a 1 year old.

A few years ago he went through an old phone of mine and saw some historic text exchanges between myself and other men that quite frankly, made him feel like shit. I was a different person back then with the main difference being I was a very open sexually and was a huge flirt.

Anyway, yesterday evening I noticed something was off with my partner and found out he’d been through another old phone going over the same messages.

He was in tears saying that it’s clear I just don’t want him the way I did those other guys, because I don’t talk to him like I did them, or act the same way.

I reminded him some of those messages were a decade ago but he says he feels jealous that I had all these wild experiences with other men and have no desire to do anything similar with him.

Our sex life is pretty standard; although it’s definitely decreased over the last couple of years. Once a month, maybe.

The thing is, we are both quite submissive and I am sure he wants me to make the suggestions. Last night he told me he’d once sent me a photo of something a bit frisky and I ignored it, so he didn’t try again. He said he felt knocked back, but I can’t even remember the photo nor did I know that was an attempt at suggesting that whatever it was.

He says we are not close intimately anymore and that it’s clear I’m just not attracted to him. I am, but I have a lot of anxiety surrounding other issues which he knows about, and honestly that overrules everything and leaves no real desire for any intimacy.

I feel bad but equally I can’t understand why he’s comparing me today to who I was 10 years ago.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

I should add he is a very loving and caring partner, a far cry from my previous relationships which were awful. He said “ do I have to be an arsehole to make you want me” and that makes me sad because he’s such a sensitive, sweet soul. The dynamic is different between us and the people in the conversations he read, I didn’t love those people and I was just a young girl showing off and talking rubbish.

Has anyone else been in a similar situation?

That's such an invasion of privacy. It's like me going through a partner's old diary and being upset what's written in it.

I can’t believe people are telling the OP it’s her problem to solve. He has snooped through things he has snooped through before, and presumably he has been told not to do it again, so he’s broken that boundary.

He is using the contents of the messages he has snooped through, old, old messages, to guilt trip OP into sexual activity he feels entitled to. If OP wanted that kind of sex with him she would have been having it. Maybe the partner just doesn’t make the OP want that kind of sex, or can’t offer it himself?

In no way is this any of OP’s fault. She is being coerced by this display of insecurity, an insecurity her partner knew would be triggered when he invaded the OP’s privacy, and the reason he knew it would be is because he’s done it before and been asked not to.

OP you are having your boundaries stomped all over, then your partner is twisting his boundary violation into guilting and coercing you into sex that you presumably don’t want. The reason you don’t want it is by the by, because whatever the reason is, it won’t be resolved by having your boundaries transgressed then being guilted and coerced.

If your partner wants a different kind of sex then he should be discussing it with you sensibly, assertaining whether it’s something you would enjoy, and if it’s not, either a, working with you to overcome whatever barriers there might be if it’s something you would like to do, or b, acception your no and leaving it.

Ascertain Accepting

@doireallyneedaname

Yeah, he actually said he feels like I’ve settled for him because he’s a “nice guy” and he’ll “do” but it’s obvious he doesn’t turn me on. Apparently.

Why are you talking as though you cannot do anything about this situation and how he feels.?

You are the only one to be able to make him feel, loved, cherished and safe within your marriage.

Make him feel like he's the only man on earth, the only one you will ever want and need , its easy.

Fundamentally, he'd like more sex because not much has been happening. He's wrongly looked for reasons there might be, other than the obvious ones of your anxieties and having a young child.
He may well have looked originally for evidence of a current affair as a reason, but came across your past raunchy messages which made him wonder even more why you are seemingly less interested now than you were then.
The upshot is, he's insecure because less sex is happening, and he's totally barking up the wrong tree for reasons. Have you explained to him your reasons for wanting sex less currently, and are you addressing and getting help for your anxieties? Also, have you informed him that the dynamics are different between you as you are both submissive? If you are happier that he is this way, make sure he knows.
There are many occurances in relationships, that cause frequency of sex to ebb and flow, but if intimacy and connection is also lost, then the relationship becomes empty and just a convenience, and a step closer to ending.

I would point out that a nice guy wouldn’t repeatedly invade my privacy.

Huge invasion of your privacy.

Shit happens when you read someone's private correspondence.

He was very wrong.

This is all on him.

This is your past.
Your private past.

I think by you trying to fix this, you are giving his appalling behaviour legitimacy.

I would be apoplectic at my husband doing what yours has done.

He feels shit because he did something very very dishonest and dishonourable.

Not your job to fix it.

He needs to fix it.
He needs to stop his creepy needty shit, which is deeply unattractive.

Find your anger and be prepared to leave a relationship that he has ruined with his terrible breach of trust.

“do I have to be an arsehole to make you want me”
Sounds like someone who believes them nasty women are out to treat the Nice Guys like him like shit. In my experience, men who come up with this "women only like arseholes so I have no chance" stuff are resentful and bitter in other areas of their life - it is a personality trait - and their claim to being nice is highly questionable.

Presumably he had to charge the phone up first, in order to snoop? So not even on a whim. It was planned and calculated.
I don't know why posters are dismissing 5p's posts. They are excellent in explaining the sexual insecurity from a male point of view.

Yes. A few years ago my partner found an old memory stick of mine I had completely forgotten I owned and went through it behind my back. On it, among other less were extremely intimate/private pictures of me/my body I had sent to my ex during a 6 year LDR.

My partner was really pissed off about it and sulked for days. One of the issues he had with these pictures was that I never sent him similar photos of myself.

Thing is though, I've now had two children. My body isn't remotely the same as it was when I was 23. I'm also not in a LDR with my partner - what I sent to my ex back then was part of the LDR. Lastly, my relationship with my ex was abusive and controlling (on his part), and to be honest, I was partly coerced into sending the pictures. I was a very different person back then and not at all mentally well.

Despite explaining this (even though I did nothing wrong and it is absolutely none of my current partner's business what I did with anybody before I met him) he had a big, jealous problem with it for a long time. He still brings it up sometimes even now. He also demanded that I delete the pictures - something I had no problem doing as I don't want or need them, but being 'told'/expected to do it really rattled my cage. So I waited a long time before I did it, privately, and I haven't told him. He still doesn't know whether or not I ever got round to deleting them. And I won't ever tell him.

It's something that has really put me off him tbh. We are relatively happy, have a good enough relationship etc. but in bad patches, it really rankles me that he had/has this side to him.

I feel your pain.

among other less exciting things*

(These self-proclaimed Nice Guys are usually then rejected, because of their bitterness - which they of course then ironically see as them being rejected because they are too nice. )

@doireallyneedaname

Yeah, he actually said he feels like I’ve settled for him because he’s a “nice guy” and he’ll “do” but it’s obvious he doesn’t turn me on. Apparently.

That reads as manipulative if not controlling to me. Because whatever you say, you can’t change his mind. In so doing, he’s defined you as Miss Nymphomaniac, who’s settled for Mr Niceguy then lost her sex drive and turned himself into a victim and you a user if not abuser.

Putting aside the snooping. He has seen a window into the old sexual you which he has never seen and he likes idea of that. You are not that person now so he blames himself for it, ie if she doesn't really fancied me otherwise she would want to do all those things.

Maybe a clumsy comparison but say he never gave you oral sex but you read old messages that showed he gave all his previous partners oral sex. What you would think:
A. He has just gone off it.
B. There is something wrong with me otherwise he would be doing it

So I can sort of see where he is coming from despite him being a complete dick for reading your personal messages.

@5pForAPlasticBag

It’s a viscous circle.

I can imagine, it sounds unbearable.

Maybe if you opened up and told the op what you thought would make the op's partner feel more secure, might help, coming from a male point of view.

I did this once, read my now-ex's diary and was gutted to read about his crush on a mutual friend. However, I was 23 and in a very bad place in terms of esteem and mental health. I would not react like that now, or indeed even read the diaries. I'm not saying I'd like seeing that stuff but I'm mature and steady enough now to know such a reaction would be unreasonable.

I think 5p is right when he lists how your fella is feeling. However, your guy isn't being reasonable in his reaction (unlike 5p who was cheated on and directly negatively compared to the AP).

Your fella feels shit about himself, he did even before he read the messages. That's why he's reacted this way. The messages fed what he was already feeling about himself. They didn't cause the feelings.

It's not ok for him to punish himself and you for things you did in the past, though. You need to, kindly and with understanding, tell him he is being unreasonable. You'll both talk through your issues but you won't condone this behaviour. And you need to mean it. He needs a kick up the bum to address his issues.

@BaronessBomburst

Presumably he had to charge the phone up first, in order to snoop? So not even on a whim. It was planned and calculated. I don't know why posters are dismissing 5p's posts. They are excellent in explaining the sexual insecurity from a male point of view.

I’m not dismissing them. The issue is that these are his hang ups. Not ops. And she cannot do anything to change them. She can only change what is in her control and that would be what she hinted at in her op. As you say, the snooping was planned. This is far more of a corrosive act than anything op is admitting right now to doing.

OP, ask your partner what his desired outcome is here. I can guarantee it is sex. Is this a healthy way to get the sex you want in a relationship? Has this episode made you feel like you want sex? The answer is no, but the reality is that you now feel obliged to offer sex to fix it, hence you are being guilted and coerced.

Why are other posters not seeing this? Why is a man’s feeling of entitlement to sex taking priority over a woman’s right not to be guilted and coerced into sex? FFS!

Do people actually wipe any trace of an ex partner/encounter once they are gone from your life? From every device, online chat, fb messenger, absolutely everything? How is that normal? 😂 I’m sure I’ve got a few old devices kicking around in a box somewhere with old messages/photos etc..who cares? If my partner went through them looking at private past messages I’d be furious. What an invasion of privacy - you can keep what you want, it’s your life and past!

Snooping: always a terrible idea, always a red line for me. I'd be livid he went through my messages. MN always contradicts itself on this issue though as there are plenty of threads where fragile women are encouraged to go through every last bit of their partner's private correspondence.

I also suspect MN would be more sympathetic to a woman in a placid but unexciting marriage who had snooped and discovered that her unromantic husband used to shower exes with flowers, gifts and grand gestures.

The genie's out of this bottle unfortunately and I can see why you both feel the way you do. The trouble is that from your perspective, the fact that you don't feel the need to put on a wild sexually adventurous front for him is evidence that you love him more than the men in your past - for him the fact that you don't feel the need to do that is evidence that you're not interested in him in that way. If you want to move on and salvage things you both need to do some work here.

He obviously feels unwanted and undesirable at the moment - even before reading the messages, I suspect that's why he snooped. You don't have to pull out any wild moves you don't want to but in your own words you "can't be bothered" to reassure him on this front, which seems a bit of a shrugging approach to this situation.

You also need to spell out exactly what you spelled out to us in the OP - WHY you felt the need to be like that when you were younger, WHY you felt it was a negative and WHY not acting like that with him is actually a good sign - and he needs to properly listen and stop sulking.

@StrippedFridge

Why on earth did you keep the phones? Especially after he was upset by your old "love letters" last time. Presumably you are going back and re-reading the messages of the past yourself, that's why you have old phones kept. Either be more discreet or get rid of them..

What rubbish. I've old phones all over the place that sit in drawers, out of charge, which I rarely look at but I keep them because they have photos of my children them and one day I will charge them up and transfer them onto the lap top.

God he sounds like a bore. Is this your life - constantly reassuring this insecure man because he can't stop rooting through your stuff?

He has cast himself in full victim mode and it would be deeply unattractive to me

5p...

Being sexually adventurous does not equate to a deep and meaningful relationship. It does not even compare to love, compassion, trust and compatibility.

Sex is important but not the utmost.

I have had a reasonably adventurous sex life. There are things I did with other people that I have never done with the man I am with now. I have kids with him. I am engaged. We've been together 5 years now. But those sexual adventures in the past do not even compare a jot to the love I have for this man. We've done other things. I find him utterly wonderful and fucking sexy... and it hasn't dulled, even with 2 kids under 4. No we don't get to have sex often... but when we do, its great. We are intimate and close in other ways

I dont compare him to others. Never have.

OP... invading your privacy is utterly unacceptable and I'm struggling to see why he would put himself through reading it? And then make an argument out of something that happened before you were together.
What?! Why?! You're in a lose lose situation there.

I would have a stern word and say Its utterly wrong to invade your privacy. Its utterly wrong to get upset over something that has nothing to do with him or you anymore. And if he wants to sort this out, he needs to get his shit together and stop this nonsense. Your relationship is unique and totally different to those before. You have evolved, developed and matured. Suggest he does the same!

Dear god, there are things I did and said 10 years ago that I would never in a million years do or say now. That applies to the majority of people.

He read these messages and is holding you to a standard of who or what he imagines you were 10 years ago, as if that was somehow better. What he has read has no actual basis in reality, other than what he imagines you must have once been.

He didn’t know you then, but knows you now, but he’s devaluing what he knows now because he thinks he’s somehow missed out on something better....as if you are purposely withholding this part of yourself from him. What he is failing to understand is that this part of you doesn’t exist anymore, if indeed it ever existed in the first place.

You have grown, you have changed and have matured into the person you are now, and THIS person YOU, chose HIM, as he is now and he chose you as you are now.

Would he rather go back in time and meet you then?? Would he rather have been one of those throw away relationships that were based on sex and not much else OR would he rather have the woman you are now, the women who loves him, the woman who had a child with him....because he can not have both.

He needs to understand that this was a phase in your life, something you grew out of, and it’s not part of who you are anymore....it’s simply your past. I’m sure there are plenty of things he did ten years ago than he has since grown out of, how would he like it if you started comparing those things to now and insisting those things are or were better than who he is now and you start sulking that you missed out on it/him being like that, because that’s exactly what he is doing to you! It’s not reasonable and it’s not fair.

Does he even realise how offensive he is being, he is basically saying your sex life and intimacy now is worth less that then sex and intimacy you had with men who were not him over a decade ago!!! It’s absolutely and utterly ridiculous and completely unreasonable!!!

Most of us were more adventurous or did stupid things in our teens and 20s, most of us become more sensible and settled in our 30s and 40s and beyond. Expecting someone to be what that were in their younger years is a very stupid expectation to have of anyone. Most of us don’t even wear the clothes or have the furniture we had a decade ago, so why on gods green earth would you behave the same as you did back then!! It’s just completely unrealistic!!

Well the rights and wrongs of him snooping v you hanging onto messages is a separate issue.

The reality is that he feels insecure about your level of attraction to him so he has gone looking for 'evidence' to support this feeling.

You need to talk. You need to get the spark back. I would probably delete the messages too but that's just me.