Adult survivors of childhood trauma (no specifics mentioned in thread)

[BlueCookieMonster]

So there aren’t a lot of people I can really chat to about this in real life, so I thought I would ask here.

If you experienced adverse childhood experiences, do you ever have a sort of disconnect with reality. Moments where you just stop and think ‘woah?! That actually happened?’

Or just general anger that no one noticed, or when you did speak up, nothing was done?

I’m about 95% at peace with my life and experiences most of the time, however, I do have moments of just being angry and pissed off.

I suppose I just want to know others feel likewise.

I do. I have CPTSD diagnosed a couple of years ago and the main factor was that, despite being happier than I've ever been and my depression/panic disorder finally being under good control with medication, I still have emotional flashbacks/flooding/recurring dreams and waking daydreams where I get sucked into a rabbit hole of memory and feel disorientated afterwards. I don't think it ever goes away.

I was meant to have EMDR, but then my dad got cancer/one of my teenagers went haywire, so it got shelved. Hey ho.

Yes completely as you describe. I’d recommend reading about complex ptsd. I have moments where I can’t believe what I have lived through and that I survived. It’s a lot to come to terms with. I know now signs would more likely have been picked up I had people ask questions but I didn’t have the words and had the fear of ending up in care. I’d highly recommend considering therapy so you have a place to speak about what you need to. For me the best thing has been the abusive parent dying I finally feel more free but I know to many people that is an unacceptable response. Each experience is complicated. I rarely have anger I think if I let it in I’d be overwhelmed. Have you heard of dissociation? I’m not sure if that is what you’re experiencing. I know if I’m experiencing that I’m under a huge amount of stress. It’s taken me decades to understand me and my responses.

Yeah, I’ll be ok for a bit then, bam! Back there, dreams, flashback, adrenaline, increased anxiety. Blah blah blah!

It’s tiring, really tiring constantly trying to stay afloat and not be sucked under. As I say most of the time I’m good, but occasionally, not so much.

Although you reminded me to take my meds 🤣.

Oh I’ve had years of therapy on and off, I’m currently having a session every two weeks. I’m happy with it, I’m going to continue it on a long term basis as an investment in myself.

I’ve tried listening to the complex PTSD book, got five minutes in and had to stop as it was so overwhelming.

Someine close to me has suffered severe childhood trauma. Is hoping to get therapy. Does anyone have any recommendations of specific types of therapy that have been particularly helpful?

Kind of.

My worst symptom is anxiety about everything. Will I get a job? If I do will I've able to do it? I could lose the job and let the DC down and not be able to pay our bills.. that's just one example of many things I worry about. I can never relax. Worries go round in my head constantly to the point I often can't get out of the 'fog' to function properly. I can't handle uncertainty it makes me too anxious. I can't even decide what to have for dinner most nights.

The other thing I get is a sort of drifting dissociation feeling, like I don't really know who I am, if that makes sense?? Like I can't connect to it. My name is .. I live .. I like X y and z.. etc etc but that's not really who I am it's more a collection of facts.

I hope you have less bad days soon OP xx

Yes me. Echo what PP have said and often dissociate and describe it as like seeing my life as a book and I’m the main character.

Dreams come and go for me. Can have a good week and feel almost “normal” and then something will happen to trigger me like a smell or a feeling and I’ll be right back at square one and crippled with anxiety / panic.

I am getting better at managing things and recognising triggers as I get older though. And also being kinder to myself and allowing myself the space I need when it happens.

I should add I have diagnoses of
CPTSD and also EUPD as a result of childhood trauma

I think similar to you OP it's quite a rollercoaster of how I feel about things. Becoming a parent in recent years has really put a rocket underneath my feelings. Foolishly before I could kind of fob myself off with "well they did their best". Now, as a mother absolutely not, they were awful.

Recent stresses of covid/lockdown has made my insomnia/rumination a lot worse. I have a continuous loop of horrible memories, some of which I hadn't thought about for over a decade. Thinking about these things in the new perspective of "would I ever do that to DC?" makes me so incredibly angry.

cheese I think in some senses my Mum did try, in a lot of others, really not. I don’t wish I’ll on her, just for her never to bother me again. I can’t deal with her particular brand of chaos. I didn’t hear from her at Christmas, nor did I contact her. I’m still conflicted about feeling relived, but also not.

It's a really difficult space to live in isn't? Very empathetic to how you feel.

I’ve seen the stuff for EUPD, I’m not there, I have had other diagnosis recently which explain a hell of a lot (asd/adhd/ocd).

What gets me is when you say, oh I don’t speak to parents etc. They don’t really get it (and why should they), but a few people have said ‘but she’s your Mum, you should do xyz.’

How can you explain the length and breath of that big bag of rubbish in one sentence.

I think that we disassociate as a coping mechanism, which was how we coped as child. When you are a parent yourself, you picture yourself back the that age and what was going on etc which can be painful or triggering. It might help to see a counsellor to help process your feelings OP.

I go months and months without even thinking about it and then something will trigger my memory and I’ll spend a fair few days reflecting on it, running through events, especially the court case, trial (which IMO was as traumatic as the abuse). Then I forgot about it again for a while.

I told people what was happening, I don’t think they ever did anything. It has made me really passionate about safeguarding nowadays. I think the fact that I told (which research shows means things are pretty blah for a child to go against the parental bond), and nothing was done makes me more angry than the actual abuse.

I hope I’m not bringing up bad stuff for people here, I suppose sometimes you just need to say ‘wow this was crap,’ to people who get it. Like a weird toddler group where you feel relieved that your child isn’t defective, as so and so’s baby did xyz as well.

I am seeing a councillor, and despite the despondent tone of my musings. I’m in a better place emotionally than I have been for a while. I suppose I’m in a place where I just want to express some of the stuff I’m feeling.

I'm living with this but no diagnosis or support. A lot of what PP's are saying is very familiar to me. Having a child of my own opened up a lot of old wounds that I thought were healed. My mum was also a victim of childhood trauma, and so in a way, I feel she did do the best she could with what she had. It was woefully inadequate but I try not to attach blame.

I still speak to her but it is a strained and superficial relationship at times. I concentrate my efforts on my own child, and not allowing this to become a cycle of neglect and abuse that passes down through the generations. Unfortunately that has happened with my sibling and their child, who now bears the pain inflicted 3 generations ago.

I still haven't acknowledged what happened and so dissociate almost constantly. I think in one way you might be going through life and everything feels sort of normal but at the same time this huge life defining event happened and it's almost a shock that you've survived.

I was lying in my hospital bed trying to explain why I was there and all my mum could think to say was how terrible I was as a daughter for not wanting visitors, she was my mother I should let her visit. It's hard enough hearing those lines from your mum without society rubbing it in too.

I’m also on medication, under mental health and have been seeing a physchiatrist as well,

There’s good stuff happening here, I’m being kind to myself, I never used to be. I apologise to my children when I’m snappy, I make sure that they know they are adored beyond all measure. I’m crocheting a blanket with a bunch of other people on the internet (attic 24 if anyone is wanting a nice little project). I have a job, that whilst stressful, has taught me more about myself than anything else has. I have a beautiful partner, their family are amazing and I’m so lucky. I have friends and people that I talk to regularly.

I am so very very lucky, but ya know, I’m sure you all get it. Occasionally, you do get introspective.

Yes! I have a thread up currently about how I've finally seen my dad for what he is. It's still hard though.

I had a traumatic childhood and I've always felt like such an outsider and like I'm just going through the motions of life, but at a distance. Since feeling more settled at at older age, I do feel happierand more embracing of life, but there are times when the anxiety just overwhelms me and I dwell and ruminate a lot. I also have ASD which doesn't help these feelings.

I did have a couple of family members who did take me away from that but there were things they could have done better I think. Got therapy etc. I think it's widely seen in my family that because I lived with X relatives, then I had this great life, never mind the reasons why I had to live with them and not my parents. It always felt surreal as a child as everyone I knew lived with mum and dad and I didn't and then would explain why. And now as an adult there are relatives who have a chip on their shoulder about me because of how close I am to those who raised me, and it makes want to scream at them about how fucking hard it was to grow up with the experiences I had had, and they were there and around for it so knew exactly what had gone on.

what I would recommend (if you can afford it) seeing a councillor. If nothing else, it’s rather refreshing to just say everything you’re thinking to a total stranger without judgement or fear, or that you have to reciprocate for either. You can be selfish and concentrate on yourself and your own feelings.

Colour yeah it’s like when you have a child, you walk out of the hospital with a newborn and are surprised that the number 54 bus is still running. Surely the world must have changed as you did, but no, the bus still does what it always did.

I can relate to what pp say about having their own child. It also makes me angry at how my Mum handled the whole thing. She was more concerned about what people would think and basically turned me into the perpetrator .i.e. what have YOU done. I get so cross. I know I would defend and support my child, not blame them.

I also get 'but she's your mother' from people as well when they hear I am very low contact with her, and omg it's unbelievably frustrating. If these people just knew a small fraction of what was endured.

I also spoke up as a child (in the early 80's) and nothing was ever done. I like to think that this wouldn't happen nowadays and like you op it has made me passionate about safeguarding.

I also have big gaps in my memory (I guess the brains way of protecting itself). Does anybody else have this too ??

I never spoke up, I know that my mum was seen by others as a slightly annoying but lovely person. No one had any idea the of the neglect and I still don't think I would be believed by most who knew me back then.

I don't have missing memories but my mum re-writes history in her mind. She tells stories of things that never happened, a life that didn't exist. I think this is her way of protecting herself from the pain of knowing she let me down. She's all too aware of her own abuse and memories of it, I genuinely think it would break her to have a full understanding of what she did to her own children and how it still impacts her grandchildren.

It was when I had children that my position shifted as looking back I find it incredulous that no one knew and/or stepped in. Also that I was left to self manage so much.

However.

With more age I'm also more at peace overall as being contented counts for so much to me now and I don't want it to define my life. Plus the older generation are all dead now.