Adult survivors of childhood trauma (no specifics mentioned in thread)

[BlueCookieMonster]

So there aren’t a lot of people I can really chat to about this in real life, so I thought I would ask here.

If you experienced adverse childhood experiences, do you ever have a sort of disconnect with reality. Moments where you just stop and think ‘woah?! That actually happened?’

Or just general anger that no one noticed, or when you did speak up, nothing was done?

I’m about 95% at peace with my life and experiences most of the time, however, I do have moments of just being angry and pissed off.

I suppose I just want to know others feel likewise.

yes, the dissociations continue relentlessly, do they ever stop? Or happen less? Horrific childhoods leave your mind programmed to be avoidant, fearful, solitary, defensive, distrustful.. and it's a difficult thing to reprogramme into something more positive. Getting angry about it is normal but I've read that venting anger actually makes things worse for yourself and just ups the cortisol levels, so I try to ground myself in the present and not think of the past, my brother says therapy has really helped him.

I was a total parentified child as well, my Mum was ruined by her own Mother (my gosh she was a colossal bitch, I saw her abuse my Mum in front of us) and the cycle continued through her. I feel sorry for her more than anything, there does come a point where anger bleeds away, acceptance comes and you just feel sorry for everyone involved. My Mum in a lot of ways is pitiful, there’s not a lot of joy in her life. I believe there really hasn’t ever been a lot of joy, she suffered as much as inflicted suffering. We are who we are, and life is as it is.

I also dissociate a lot. I feel a disconnect between what happened to me as a child and who I am as an adult, as though it happened to someone else. I feel angry that people didn't protect "that child" (not me) and I feel angry at myself for not protecting "that child" - I don't know if anyone else understands what I mean?

When I dissociate it's like I can see everything going on but I'm not a part of it, even converstaions I'm having. As though I'm the passenger in my "car/body" instead of the driver.

I don't have flashbacks, maybe because I feel such a huge disconnect, but I feel angry that the ongoing trauma completely changed who I should have been ... I struggle with personal identity. Who am I? Who should I be? I also feel like it shaped the rest of my life as lurched from one crisis to another, one abusive partner to another.

The other thing I struggle with massively is my perception of my self. I feel like I'm the most worthless, ugly, fat, hidious, disgusting monster ever ... some days I don't feel quite so extreme but mostly I do. This means I avoid people and crowds and going for jobs I might be good at because "I won't be good enough".

It's impacted every single aspect of my life for my whole life and I don't know how to escape it despite having been seeing psychiatrists on and off for the last 20yrs, been medicated (nothing helps) had CBT and that didn't help. A friend told me DBT might be worth trying but right now I feel like I can't be bothered to keep trying (defeatist?)

Sorry, this was longer than intended it's just nice getting it off my chest with people who might have a better understanding of what I mean than other people.

Grinch yeah sometimes you just need to say the thoughts to people who understand, and don’t then add a ‘perhaps you should....’

It’s comforting to just verbalise those thoughts and just let them out without judgement, and know that you’re understood through shared experience.

wow @exhaustedgrinch
Reading what you wrote, so relatable. The pain of feeling like it's impossible to become who you could have been because you're wiring is so truly screwed up from everything - that hurts the most, I feel you.
And feeling like a ghost even during one on one conversations, sometimes it makes me feel like nothing is real.

@namemychange

Kind of.

My worst symptom is anxiety about everything. Will I get a job? If I do will I've able to do it? I could lose the job and let the DC down and not be able to pay our bills.. that's just one example of many things I worry about. I can never relax. Worries go round in my head constantly to the point I often can't get out of the 'fog' to function properly. I can't handle uncertainty it makes me too anxious. I can't even decide what to have for dinner most nights.

The other thing I get is a sort of drifting dissociation feeling, like I don't really know who I am, if that makes sense?? Like I can't connect to it. My name is .. I live .. I like X y and z.. etc etc but that's not really who I am it's more a collection of facts.

I hope you have less bad days soon OP xx

This Also when things get bad I get an unreal feeling. Like nothing is real. I'm not real. In a bubble.

I really relate to everything being written here. Best wishes to all.
I'm seeing an excellent psychologist now (for a host of reasons actually) and started EMDR which was very helpful.
Unfortunately had to halt the EMDR as recent tragedy has hit me hard and my psychologist has explained that you need to be in a relatively stable place to do it safely.
I will start again when she says the time is right.
I thoroughly recommend that anyone else suffering trauma/ptsd should research EMDR.
It sounds pretty odd when you read the technique, but research is showing it to be incredibly effective for trauma compared to other modes of therapy.

@Danity1000 Yes that's it, feeling like a ghost. I sometimes find it oddly comforting though, like I can still function to a degree and still feel like I'm avoiding social situations at the same time ... I like to think of it as a special skill that's helpful to me as opposed to something awful. Alhough it can leave me feeling alone and like I never fit in or belong anywhere.

I totally get where you are coming from. Over the last year I've seen a psychologist regularly, and it's only through that that I've realised just how much bad shit went down. Between 8-18 years old I seemed to go through some kind of trauma every couple of years and was massively messed up by my well meaning but ultimately exceptionally needy dad after the death of my mum. Meaning I had to completely bury my feelings and put my dads and brothers first for years and years. I spent a lot of my
Life saying that he'd done the best he could, but it turns out even well meaning parents can psychologically abuse/neglect their children when they are so wrapped up in their own grief and experiences that they forget to look at the child that seems
To be doing remarkably well but is suffering a huge amount. I hadn't ever seen it myself
Until I went into therapy and once you see it you wonder how you ignored it for so long. So much of my teen years being catastrophic stems from my dad not seeing me and what I was going through. So I completely get how you can dissociate from it and only through hindsight can you say "oh shit, that really did happen to me and really was bad".

@exhaustedgrinch your post is so relatable. I often think what could I have been, but then I feel bad because anything different would have meant I dont have my beautiful DC.

The worthlessness you describe is exactly how I feel. Its relentless and like having my own personal bully in my head.

To not feel alone in how I feel is so comforting and in equal measure I am so sad that we have all had similar experiences.

@Cheeseboardface Yes absolutely like having my own personal bully. Before Christmas I spend almost a whole day crying and refusing to leave the house because I'd convinced myself I was so ugly that I should not inflict my face on the outside world! I have good days too though, but I often feel my "good" days are like someone elses "bad" days, but perhaps it's best to try not to compare.

It's hard not to feel bitter and angry about how much my trauma has taken from me. My education, relationships, my sense of self, my identity to a degree, my happiness, possibly my career (I may have had one had I managed to get an education) ... I look at where other people are in their lives at my age and I always feel like I'm so far behind everyone else in terms of having my shit together. Some days it's effort to drag myself out of bed and put a brush through my hair.

Personal question but is anyone else not currently working due to the effects of their childhood trauma?

I work but I can only really cope with part time. If I go full time I unravel and go unreal

I work but I can only really cope with part time. If I go full time I unravel and go unreal

I don't work but if I did I feel I'd only manage part time. I feel embarrassed about not working due to trauma I experienced 20yrs ago. I feel ashamed almost that I'm not "over it".

I have moments of ‘was it really as bad as I think I remember it was’? Especially when I have to explain to people I am no contact. I start to doubt myself and wonder if I am making it into more than it was, but I have spoken in detail about my childhood with a good friend who is a social worker and she was shocked. And she see the worst of humanity!
I think becoming a parent yourselves really brings home how awful things were, how could someone treat a child like that?
I also go through periods of extreme sadness and grief for the child I was especially when I think of my own children’s lives and how carefree and happy they are.

I hear you all 🙏

@ExhaustedGrinch Work is a real problem, I have this paranoia that everyone also feels how worthless/useless I am and that paranoia becomes something I've decided is true (which leads to mdd episodes) and I end up struggling to go to work at all after a few months, sometimes weeks of starting a new job. Working on my own remotely is the only way I can work, I cannot work in a face to face team.

What about you?

Working on my own
I can relate to this, pretty much anything I am happiest on my own, it's the only way I feel truly safe!
Always been pretty dysfunctional, very hard to have any kind of a normal job, or friendships or just fit in with people

@Danity1000 that's how I feel too, that everyone else is talking about my work performance and that I'm never going to be as good as anyone else. I've been out of work quite some time now and I'm worried about attempting to go back in case I can't cope and then have to leave my job and be without benefits. I feel like everything is a balancing act, I can't do everything I need to be doing ie parent my son who is awaiting an autism diagnosis (as a single parent), take care of the home, look after my own basic needs, maintain friendship/relationship AND work ... I feel overwhelmed a lot of the time by the bare minimum then feel extreme guilt over not being more productive.

@ExhausterGrinch try schema therapy. DBT is (supposedly) good too.

I feel like I have had to teach myself how to function emotionally and practically and i am only just beginning to get the hang of it. Parenting has been hard because I feel like I have no experiences or good examples to work with.

To many people I know I seem like a weak underachiever and I am paralysed by self loathing a lot of the time. But then I think about my childhood - the loss and sustained stress and trauma and I think it is a miracle that I function as well as I do.

I find it hard to cope with strong emotions - I have an urge to disengage from reality. In situations of grief or trauma I now go numb - something stops me from feeling/engaging.

I’m working, but part time. I can’t do full time, it empties me out and I just can’t cope. I’ve done full time in the past and I’ll be fine for a bit, then implode.

I will say this, yes I work, but the impact of that sustained trauma has come out at work. I’m ridiculously anxious at work, panicky etc. It’s only after seven months of therapy that I’m able to actually start looking at myself and going, ‘bloody hell, you’re doing a good job.’ Instead of the inner bully.

The hardest thing for me for me was accepting that no-one will really ever be able to understand what I went through and worse than that everyone is happy to forget the little they know. I think I am just about there - as you say OP 95% of the time I'm fine.

I have EUPD and C-PTSD and know how you feel. I found the most helpful thing (so far) has been CAT (cognitive analytical therapy). Although with lockdown it's all gone to shit again.