Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

[Aminuts23]

I think you’re totally wrong and the fact you reminded him it was your birthday was quite manipulative. The funeral will last half an hour max. There’ll be no wake, he’ll be there and back before lunch. As someone else said I’d judge him if he didn’t go. I’m not sure what a discussion would have achieved. He’s going, he knows you wouldn’t give him your blessing, what’s to discuss? Stop trying to justify your poor behaviour.

[Bourbonbiccy]

I feel that as someone’s wife/partner there should be some level of discussion. I don’t agree with dictating to each other.

Ok so let's see how that Would have played out

Him: it's my kids grandfathers funeral on "Friday" so I would like to go to support my children
You: no I don't want you to go after the way they treated you
Him: I want to go
You: I don't want you to
Him: I'm going

That effectively what happened anyway, he told you about it, you said no, he is going anyway.

Or walk me through how the conversation would have changed ?

[Sssloou]

You asked a Q of this forum:

“Am I in the wrong?”

You have had a unanimous “Yes”

What more do you want?

For everyone to reverse their opinion?

[notacooldad]

I think we are just going round in circles.
He is going to a funeral with his kids. I know there's history but I can't even began to see why you need a conversation/ discussion or that you feel you are not being treated as an equal.
He told you he was going. Asking if you were fine with that was probably a rhetorical question where the only plausible answer would have been ' you do what you think is for the best'

If I was in your shoes I would be make positive supporting noises towards him and not letting him feel what ever he does is wrong.

[CaD14]

@Sssloou - not at all, it doesn’t mean I have to agree.

@notacooldad - I don’t know how the conversation would have gone, as we never got the chance to have it, but I do know I would have reacted more rationally if he had approached it differently.

[CaD14]

Sorry meant to tag @Bourbonbiccy

[Holyrivolli]

I can totally see why you’d like him to cut all ties with her family as they sound poisonous and have caused him much pain and grief. Especially for someone with the black and white personality that you have it must seem incomprehensible. If he was agreeing to have Christmas lunch with them all or play happy families in another setting I’d agree that he shouldn’t do it.

However a funeral is different and it says a lot about the good man he is that he is prepared to put his personal feelings aside for the benefit of his children. He is being decent and kind and that kind of person is worth cherishing in you life even if you don’t agree always with how he choses to do it.

[vanillandhoney]

He's going to a funeral to support his children. It shouldn't even need to be up for any kind of conversation or discussion.

His kids come first, especially when they're grieving the loss of their granddad.

I can't believe you think otherwise, tbh. It's quite shocking, actually.

[CaD14]

@rorosemary - yes and I think until you are a parent there are some things you just can’t understand. But I know that I’ll never understand I just wish my husband would understand that I don’t understand, if that makes sense!

[DuzzyFuck]

Christ OP I thought I was a hardass when it comes to holding a grudge and cutting bad wood out of my life but you are a new level!

OF COURSE he is going to support his DC and so should he be, regardless of the history. He's going for them, not for the rest of the family. Their Mum will presumably be devastated that day and in need of support herself, never mind supporting the DC.

I find that fact that you can't even begin to put yourself in the shoes of a parent or imagine how they might feel or react (despite being married to one) is quite odd, to be honest. I don't have DC myself yet but I can understand the actions of people who do. Do you struggle to empathise with people in other scenarios?

Lastly the mention of your birthday makes you sound a bit childish. Presumably your DH works so you don't spend every minute of every birthday with him?

[ravenmum]

It's a shame if you are unwilling to listen to others' opinions, but you did warn us that you're inflexible and have a very simplistic black and white view of things, so we can hardly be surprised :)

What do you think this means for your marriage?

[notacooldad]

Ok. He thought he's done the tight thing and there wouldn't be an issue.
The question now is are you going to carry on a row when he is trying to do the right thing.
Are you going to make him feel torn between you and his kids or are you going to act like an adult, swallow your pride and be supportive.
Personally I would choose the latter. Sometimes its give and take in a marriage.

[TheBlueStocking]

I think you pretty much have to let this one go.

I admit I would feel annoyed about the birthday thing too. It's quite the sting in the tail.
However, there's a funeral involved so here you must pick your battles.

It does sound like you are very used to having to defend yourself. Do you feel like you have quite a combative relationship with your DH?

[quicklybeingdrivenmad]

Funerals at this time are the worst ever believe me I had one for my mum this week, covid was bad enough then snow went into the mix, but we made the best of it, my 50th birthday plans all went out the window, no musical, no cruise etc, but I am still here my family is ok, we are all staying safe, cannot believe how selfish you are being you can have your birthday afternoon or just wait until next year and just let your poor husband go support his children because I know at my close families funerals I need support and am no use to people around me, so think he is thoughtful to do this

[Holyrivolli]

I know it’s not exactly the same situation but my children’s father died and I (and my partner) accompanied them to his funeral in a foreign country. His parents and family are poisonous awful people who did no end of harm to my ex during his life - genuinely dreadful abusive long prison-time type of things.

If my partner had told me not to go or made a fuss then I would have been so angry at him as my and his needs came second to supporting the kids. So we went to the funeral and were polite to his parents whilst privately hating every minute. The kids on their own volition have now cut that side of the family out but they came to that decision on their own and really appreciate that we put them above our own issues.

[CaD14]

@DuzzyFuck - no I don’t find it hard to empathise with others, but I don’t want children nor do I particularly like them, so I find it hard to cut them some slack.

@ravenmum - I don’t know. I always feel like I have to back down/am being told my feelings on a situation aren’t important (his kids or not). He never apologises or can see when he is wrong. So I don’t know honestly.

[Aethelthryth]

It's the funeral of his children's grandfather. It is self-evident that he needs to be there so it doesn't warrant a discussion. He will be back for your birthday evening. You need to grow up

[SnowflakeCulture]

Your birthday is more important than his ex's dead dad.
He still has feelings for the ex.

[DuzzyFuck]

@CaD14 Then perhaps marrying a Man who has 2 and clearly loves them and wants to be involved in their lives wasn't the best move for you?

[DuzzyFuck]

@SnowflakeCulture

Your birthday is more important than his ex's dead dad.
He still has feelings for the ex.

Seriously!? The OP is an Adult Woman and her birthday is absolutely not more important than her DH's grieving teens!

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

I don’t know how the conversation would have gone, as we never got the chance to have it, but I do know I would have reacted more rationally if he had approached it differently.

You're an adult. If you can't articulate how the situation could have played out differently in a way that wouldn't have made you feel so angry, how on earth can you expect him to understand how you're feeling now?

How could he have "approached it differently" that would have made you respond "more rationally'?

That's a genuine question - if you were role playing it and he felt sure it was the right thing for him to go so made that decision as a father, but was having a conversation about it with you as his partner, how would you have liked him to approach it?

Again, genuine question. You need to help people understand, including your partner.

[ravenmum]

Well, his view on the situation with his kids is not going to change. Have you been together long?

[Chloemol]

YABU. He has a relationship with the ex’s family through both the history of being together with the ex and an ongoing one because of the kids

It does not mean you have to have a relationship with the ex’s family, but you do need to understand he wants one, it’s much easier for the kids and keeps everything on an even keel

He should be going to the funeral, numbers allowed, because he wants to, because it’s his ex father in law, and because he wants to support his kids who have lost a grandparent

It can hardly be his fault they have planned the funeral on your birthday.

Just support him, instead of kicking off

[Mittens030869]

I think it's very relevant that you don't want kids yourself or even like children. It does explain why you resent this so much. But you've married a man who does have DC, so he will have different priorities to you.

@SnowflakeCulture What an odd thing to say. This isn't about his 'ex's dead dad' (how callous that sounds), but about supporting his DC, who have lost their DGF. There's absolutely no reason to think that he has feelings for his ex.

[BillMasen]

I’d attend my ex PILs funeral and id be surprised if my ex didn’t attend my parents.

If you’d tried to tell me that was wrong, tell me I shouldn’t go, or make a thing of it we’d fall out massively and it’d damage the relationship

It’s not your place to say anything here.