Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

[Thehogfatherstolemycurry]

Hell would freeze over before I asked permission to support my own children at their grandparents funeral.

No he shouldn't have to discuss it with you, he told you he is going, that is enough.
Also expecting him to cut ties with his children's family is unreasonable, it would put them in an awquard position.
I'm sorry but you need to realise that the children come first and that is right.

[notacooldad]

I can't see that there's anything to discuss or why its a difficult conversation.
He is going g to a funeral with his children. Theres nothing to add.
Shame it's the day if your birthday but her will be back in the afternoon/ evening.
I can't undeerstand your fuss.
I keep reading your first post and I can't see that your husband has done anything wrong to merit you not being able to speak to him today or not being able to move on.
If I was spoken to by you like that I probably would have walked out on you until I calmed down.

[gannett]

It’s served me well so far in that you never get taken for a mug by people.

Do you think a lot of people are out to take you for a mug?

[Dery]

“I’m aware I’m very hardline things are black and white to me, but I don’t see it as a character flaw. It’s served me well so far in that you never get taken for a mug by people.”

But has it served you, OP? Is it really such a good thing to burn all bridges just because someone’s done something you don’t like. Have you never done anything wrong or never hurt anyone’s feelings? Everyone does the wrong thing from time to time. It’s a matter of degree of course but just cutting everyone out of your life doesn’t sound like a particularly life-affirming policy to me.

[ravenmum]

My ex-FIL is currently in hospital with Covid. If the worst were to happen, and I thought the kids needed me at the funeral, of course I would go. He has been part of my life for many years, and is part of the kids' any my) family. It would not occur to me to ask my partner for permission - my bf would expect me to go, too, as we have the same moral code. I wouldn't be with someone who made a fuss about me attending a funeral because it was their birthday on the same day. That would be a deal-breaker for me. I couldn't respect them after that.

[CaD14]

Yes I’ve definitely done wrong things too, people deal with things how they like, I don’t think people are out to make a mug of me no. I’m a kind person who generally goes above and beyond for my family and friends, but once I’ve fallen out with someone I’m done.

And clearly the way I’m wording this is coming across wrong, I would never expect him to ask permission to do anything, I’d never ask for his. But I do think there is a difference in asking permission and having a discussion with your wife.

Maybe next time his own kids wrongly tell social services he beats and starves them, or their family tell police he is a pedo and get him suspended from work whilst being investigated I’ll just tell him ‘it’s happening deal with it’.

[ravenmum]

He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’
He told you what was going on in advance and sought your approval. What kind of a discussion would you have wanted? What was there to discuss?

[sickofit39]

@AnneLovesGilbert

She won’t be on her own, his other family will be there as well and there’s obviously a horrible back story around her relatives being unpleasant to OP’s husband. I think it’s odd he wants to be there.

OP, I’m a step mum and a mum. I don’t think you’re wrong.

This

[Bourbonbiccy]

I think you are massively being unreasonable.

He rang you in advance to explain the situation, they are his children and although you walked away from a SC of 5years without any further contact, that's not what your DH Should do with his children or his child's mother if he doesn't need to.
He should keep the relationship as parents as amicable as possible.

It's not about the EX being "the parent' on the day, your DH is a parent every day in every situation and will want to be there for his children, especially in times of grief.
That shouldn't change, my father attended my mums funeral, despite them being separated and her side of the family not being keen, but he was there for his daughter (me) and son, who were at the lowest of their lives, that's a parent.

You sound unreasonable on how you dictate who he can see, who actually all belong in his children's life. I don't blame him for shouting or putting the phone down on you, you need to take a step back.

[Pinkdelight3]

@ravenmum

He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’
He told you what was going on in advance and sought your approval. What kind of a discussion would you have wanted? What was there to discuss?

Exactly this. I'm struggling to see what else the discussion you want would genuinely involve. However he words it, the subtext is 'this is happening, deal with it', because it is happening and you do have to suck this one up. But he did have the decency to mention it first, and the only thing he didn't do is mention it in a way that meant it was up for debate, to hear about how you weren't happy about it and didn't want him to go. I really cannot see what this discussion would have achieved. He'd still be going, you'd still have to deal with it, and I don't believe there's a planet on which you'd be happier because he'd heard you out but still done the same thing. Whatever you say, your responses only sound like he needs to ask your permission.

[notacooldad]

Clearly there is a huge back story.
Many of my friends have gone to the existing families funerals and even happy celebrations. So to me it's a perfectly normal thing to do and not even worthy of a discussion.
I can understand a bit of your anger with your update.
I do still think he should go to the funeral.

[Bourbonbiccy]

Maybe next time his own kids wrongly tell social services he beats and starves them, or their family tell police he is a pedo and get him suspended from work whilst being investigated I’ll just tell him ‘it’s happening deal with it’.

No, maybe you continue to support him through those things and also support him when he feels he needs to be there for his children.
You can do both.

[CaD14]

@Bourbonbiccy - I honestly don’t think you can. I know I personally can’t, it’s not who I am.

[WunWun]

It's literally none of your business whose funeral he goes to. There's no joint decision to make.

[Moondust001]

We are supposed to be equals in the marriage and him practically saying ‘this is happening, deal with it’ is the same as if I’d said ‘you’re not going, deal with it.’ I genuinely can’t think of a time where I’ve ever told him somethings happening and he has to suck it up, if I’ve been planning to do something he possibly wouldn’t be happy about, I’ve had the decency to mention it to him first.

Practically saying something and actually saying it are not the same things. You are complaining that he should have mentioned it to you first. He did mention it to you first! He told you he was going to the funeral. Whatever you think, whatever you might have done, he does not have to ask you for permission.

You seem to recognise that you see the world in a very harsh and extreme way. He doesn't. Neither do most people. So yes, he may not have said it but you really do need to suck it up - you are being utterly unreasonable and pretty nasty with it. You are massively controlling and expect him to fall into line with your wishes. You might want to consider how long he's going to be willing to do that. If the situations were reversed, everyone posting here would be telling you to ltb.

[CaD14]

@Moondust001 - again, where have I said he needs to ask permission? He doesn’t, he’s a grown man.

And controlling no, but expecting of respect and openness in my marriage? Yes. Neither of those things I feel I’ve gotten.

[Mittens030869]

I have to say that I also think you're being very controlling. Why should you have any say about whether he supports his DC at their DGF's birthday? And bringing up your birthday at all makes you sound self-absorbed as well. Why mention the birthday at all? You can always celebrate that after he gets back home.

[ravenmum]

[quote CaD14]@Bourbonbiccy - I honestly don’t think you can. I know I personally can’t, it’s not who I am.[/quote]
his own kids wrongly tell social services he beats and starves them, or their family tell police he is a pedo and get him suspended from work whilst being investigated
This all sounds horrible for your dh. But you know it's not his children's fault, right? That he loves them even though they somehow got persuaded to tell social services these stories? That he will support his children at a funeral even if that means being in the same room as these family members?

The fact that your dh loves his children and supports them at a funeral despite these horrible experiences suggest to me that he is a decent, brave, patient and kind dad. I don't understand what it is that you see in his behaviour.

[Mittens030869]

The fact that your dh loves his children and supports them at a funeral despite these horrible experiences suggest to me that he is a decent, brave, patient and kind dad. I don't understand what it is that you see in his behaviour.

The OP is very unforgiving and cuts people out of her life if they cross her. To me, that's her loss really, as we all fall out with friends and family sometimes and it's very rarely black and white as to who is to blame.

[CaD14]

@Bourbonbiccy - I would have to disagree there. This happened 2 years ago, so I view it that a 14 year old (the older one was the ring leader) knows better. If they were 6,7,8 I would buy that. But then I guess that’s my black and white view of things again.

[SeagullSong]

I would be angry with ExW family in your shoes, and wary of future accusations, but ultimately proud of DH for moving past it. They will always be in each other's lives to an extent via the DCs, at weddings, graduation, etc. In the event the DCs mum became seriously ill or passed away while the kids are still young, he would need to facilitate a relationship with her extended family. You need to make peace with this.

[Sssloou]

Sounds like you have an opinion of the SS investigation where your DH should not see his children and his xIL - but he has another opinion about this incident and how he chooses to live HIS life afterwards.

YOU need to respect this.

[CaD14]

@Bourbonbiccy - and yes it was awful for him. Hard for us both too as whilst suspended he didn’t get paid, 12 weeks of no income was financially difficult not to mention the emotional effect on him. So again I’m hard lined, I know that, but the way I view it is, you can do that to him and now you want him to for something? I don’t F’in think so. Again, the family I mean not the kids.

[notacooldad]

I would have to disagree there. This happened 2 years ago, so I view it that a 14 year old (the older one was the ring leader) knows better. If they were 6,7,8 I would buy that. But then I guess that’s my black and white view of things again
Come on! This isn't right.
A 14 year old is still a child and will be manipulated onto saying or believing things either out of a misplaced loyalty or fear.
It will be a few more years before they can reflect and see how toxic things are/ were.
I'm not saying it us right by any means but most 14 year old womt have emotional maturity to see things how they are.
You are the adult. Unfortunately you can't see it either.

[ravenmum]

OP, think back to yourself at age 14 and imagine how you would have reacted if your parents were in a custody battle. Would you have known what to do and acted sensibly and unemotionally?

I do realise that it is different when you don't have children yourself. Until I had children I would also have thought of a teenager as being relatively mature. When you have an innocent little 4-year-old and realise that the 18-year-old youths smoking in the street have the same fluff on the backs of their necks as him, you might well see things a bit differently. Until then, can you take it from those who do know how it feels that your husband might actually be doing the right thing?