Feel my husband doesn’t respect me, but am I in the wrong?

[CaD14]

Long story but please stick with me.

My H and I have recently had a huge argument about him going to his ex gf’s Father’s funeral. He has two kids with her, 16 and 13 and says he is going to support them, but that obviously due to CV19 will have to sit alone, will be at the back and leave after the service.

We have had awful problems with the ex and the kids over the years, including lies to social services, horrendous behaviour, abuse from her wider family- the list goes on. I would personally cut all ties (easily said as a non parent, and understand my H wouldn’t).

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’ He made out he knew it was the same day and that the funeral is the AM and he’d be home in the PM, but I sensed in his voice he had forgotten it was my birthday.

I then tried to explain why I wasn’t fine with it, how I feel about the ex and the family etc. And he just started to shout at me about how I needed to get onboard with it and hung up on me.

My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do. I’ve told him on numerous occasions before that I’m not comfortable with him being around her/her family and he’d agreed he wouldn’t be. Just pick up and drop off kids, would keep away from family. His reaction to me not being happy is also what bothers me, he can never ever say I understand you’re not okay with it but this is why I want to do it, it’s just that I’m expected to get on board with it. I feel like he doesn’t respect me or how I feel.

We had a huge argument last night about it and he is still going regardless of how I feel, and doesn’t seem to care about my feelings/it’s my birthday.

He tried to speak to me before he left for work this morning, just morning chat, and I really couldn’t face talking to him. How do I/we move on from this? I don’t feel like I’m able to chalk it up as a row and move on, because I know next week he is still going to do something I’m uncomfortable with? Or, am I totally wrong to feel this way? Should I, even as a non parent, just ‘get it’ that this is something you just do? Regardless of how your spouse feels?

Any advice much appreciated.

[ravenmum]

@Sssloou

Sounds like you have an opinion of the SS investigation where your DH should not see his children and his xIL - but he has another opinion about this incident and how he chooses to live HIS life afterwards.

YOU need to respect this.

This, too - respect.

[year5teacher]

I think it’s appalling that you’ve said the responsibility to be “the parent” should fall to a woman who will be attending HER FATHER’S FUNERAL, because you want your DH here on your birthday.
Selfish doesn’t cut it.

[Sssloou]

I’m very hardline things are black and white to me, but I don’t see it as a character flaw. It’s served me well so far in that you never get taken for a mug by people.

It is a character flaw. It shows dysfunctional rigidity of thinking, lack of compromise and constructive social interaction. It is a common trait identified in many MH and PD diagnoses. I suspect it won’t serve you well as your world becomes smaller and more fractured over time.

[year5teacher]

I also don’t think you sound “hardline” and someone who “no one will take for a mug”.
I think you sound entitled and unpleasant.

[Mittens030869]

I think it’s appalling that you’ve said the responsibility to be “the parent” should fall to a woman who will be attending HER FATHER’S FUNERAL, because you want your DH here on your birthday.
Selfish doesn’t cut it.

^This. The OP has backtracked on this to make it sound as if she's only acting like this because she's angry on his behalf at how he was treated by his DC and ex in-laws. But the mention of her birthday (which should be a non issue) shows her in an entirely more selfish light.

[HelloMissus]

He wants to support his kids at a funeral and you don’t want him to.
I mean what’s to discuss?
You pride yourself on being black and white - well here it is - he knows how you will react and thinks you’re wrong.

[CaD14]

@notacooldad - yeah you’re probably right. But I struggle to buy in to it. My failing I know.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

"My main issue is that he wouldn’t dream of discussing with me first, he will have told the ex he’ll be there and will do whatever she asks. He then wonders why I react the way I do."

This strikes a chord with me and have exactly the same problem.
Not a problem as in him having respect for the mother of his child or me disliking her, on the contrary, I really like her and we get on, she's lovely. But I never get asked my opinion on anything first or asked how I feel about anything first. I just get told once it's arranged and have to go along with it. That's what grinds my gears.

[CaD14]

@ravenmum - it’s exactly that, I don’t understand.

I would add, that there was no custody battle, they’ve been split for 10+ years and whilst she’s given him a lot of crap for years, it came out of the blue when the kids got involved.

[katy1213]

What is there to discuss? He's - quite rightly - going to a funeral to support his children, maybe because he liked and respected the man despite splitting up from his ex, and in the present circumstances, it'll take a couple of hours at most.
You sound very controlling.

[LadyOfTheFlowers]

However I would expect him to go, and he has done, last year, exact same scenario.
I just mean in general.

[CaD14]

@Mittens030869 - I haven’t backtracked on this? It is what I think.

[Mittens030869]

But your birthday is a complete non-issue. Why should that have any bearing on whether he goes to the funeral of his DC's DGF, in order to support them? That's what makes you sound completely selfish.

I can understand why you're angry with them all, that I do get (although it still wouldn't be your decision).

[Bourbonbiccy]

[quote CaD14]@Bourbonbiccy - and yes it was awful for him. Hard for us both too as whilst suspended he didn’t get paid, 12 weeks of no income was financially difficult not to mention the emotional effect on him. So again I’m hard lined, I know that, but the way I view it is, you can do that to him and now you want him to for something? I don’t F’in think so. Again, the family I mean not the kids.[/quote]
No you are missing the point massively.
It's not 'they" want something from him, it that HE wants to be there for his children on a really tough day. Why would you want to be the obstruction in 2 children getting support from their father ??

He is a grown man, I get you are angry they have made life very difficult for you both but they are his kids and should always, always come first. I think your perspective of this is really off, you can cut off who you like, that's your prerogative, he doesn't have to cut people out of his life, who are close to his kids, because you deem it the appropriate. He needs to keep standing up to you on this one.

[notacooldad]

Op,I work with teenagers.
Some have been in very similar situations as yours.
Some teens have put me and my colleagues at risk iver the years. They have been angry but couldn't articulate why. They have attacked us, they have smashed the building up. They have done all sorts of risk taking behavior. Sometimes its peer led, sometimes it's because of the family situation like yours
We have had many come back to us or seen in the street when they've been in their ears 20s and apologised saying they can't understand why the behaved like thy did.
All they were doing was trying to survive the best way they could.
Young people need boundaries routine and to feel loved. In this case it soundsike they are believing what they have been told.
Your Dh needs to be constant loving and string. I understand it is not easy. However its a long game.

[CaD14]

@LadyOfTheFlowers - yes that’s exactly the issue. Whilst I’m not thrilled with the decisions he’s made, and judging by comments it’s clearly because I’m not a parent and very unforgiving (which is true) it’s mainly the way he’s handled it that bothers me. I feel that as someone’s wife/partner there should be some level of discussion. I don’t agree with dictating to each other.

[ravenmum]

[quote CaD14]@ravenmum - it’s exactly that, I don’t understand.

I would add, that there was no custody battle, they’ve been split for 10+ years and whilst she’s given him a lot of crap for years, it came out of the blue when the kids got involved.[/quote]
Well, it's good that you asked what parents think, I guess, as you can see that although there are plenty of people saying they understand that you don't like having to put up with what his ex does, there's also pretty much a consensus that your dh is not being unreasonable at all in this case, and that you're not painting yourself in a great light by criticising him.

You are right to think that you should be your genuine self with your husband. But honestly, in his position, this would be a dealbreaker for me; I'd be planning to leave. Maybe he's more patient! But if you are not happy with him ... would you be sad if he never got over this?

[Mittens030869]

I mean, he can still celebrate your birthday with you afterwards. And you have a birthday every year anyway.

Besides, it's mostly only children who care that much about birthdays.

[notacooldad]

I don’t agree with dictating to each others
He's not dictating. He is not forcing you to do anything.
He is going to be with his children for a couple of hours next week. There's no discussion to be had.
Apart from it being your birthday it doesn't make any difference to yiu. He should be a couple of hours and then you can carry on with your day.

[CaD14]

@ravenmum -
You are right to think that you should be your genuine self with your husband.

And that’s a lot of the issue I have here. I’ve told him how I feel about it and he shouted and told me I was wrong. Whilst he may not agree with me, or even like my opinion, I won’t be told how to feel about things.

To me, it’s a communication issue which has come to a head at an unpleasant time. I feel if it wasn’t a funeral, say another event with the ex family it would be different.

[Sssloou]

Yesterday He called me to tell me this was happening and said ‘is that fine?’ I responded with ‘no it isn’t fine, I’m not happy you’re going oh and btw the day of the funeral is also my birthday.’

Can you see that yes you are in the wrong and that you don’t respect his position or decision?

All he wanted from you is “Yes of course it is” - but the reality is you don’t want “a discussion” - you just don’t want him to go and you expect him to obey you and you tried to manipulate with the emotionally immature and selfish foot stamp about your birthday which you believe should take precedence over and about him supporting his grieving young children on the death of the DGF.

[CaD14]

@notacooldad - I’d disagree in that he is dictating how I should feel and telling me I’m wrong to have an issue/concerns.

[CaD14]

@Sssloou - No, I’m sorry but I don’t see that. And I can assure you it is about the discussion/communication. It’s not that ‘he’s gone against my wishes/not asked permission’ or anything else. It’s that I’m not being treated as an equal party in this marriage.

[rorosemary]

[quote CaD14]@LadyOfTheFlowers - yes that’s exactly the issue. Whilst I’m not thrilled with the decisions he’s made, and judging by comments it’s clearly because I’m not a parent and very unforgiving (which is true) it’s mainly the way he’s handled it that bothers me. I feel that as someone’s wife/partner there should be some level of discussion. I don’t agree with dictating to each other.[/quote]
I agree with your assumption that you had trouble understanding initially because you're not a parent. I'm also pretty unforgiving and would cut out family members of my own if they treated me badly. Having said that, I'd go to a romantic dinner with bloody Satan if that is what my child needs. I can't explain why or how exactly but when it comes to my child I really don't care about what happens to me. Hunger? Unhappy? Pain? I'd really go through it without having a problem with it if it helps my child. I think it's something biological which makes ot hard to explain why my own morals and standerds suddenly don't apply anymore.

[ravenmum]

I’ve told him how I feel about it and he shouted and told me I was wrong. Whilst he may not agree with me, or even like my opinion, I won’t be told how to feel about things.
How is it the other way around - are you able to communicate the fact that you think he is wrong in a mature, unemotional way?
I can imagine this situation must be very hard for him. I'd find it hard not to shout in his position, I'll be honest - my partner bringing up their birthday as if it was relevant to the funeral of my children's grandad? I'd find it very, very hard to be polite about that.