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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé won't come onto me anymore!!

61 replies

Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 17:50

OK so me and my DP have been together just over 4 years, in that time we have had many ups and downs, but I won't go into them, we have 2 DS's a preteen and a toddler (not sure if that's relevant) but anyway back to my main issue.... We do NOT have sex often at all anymore, initially when we got together he had a high sex drive, after the birth of our toddler I didn't want sex at all (had episiotomy etc and the thought of sex made me cringe as it hurt alot) fast forward to now and I'm obviously healed and I'm in the mood for sex most nights but I'm lucky if I get it once a week sometimes it can be a month without, he rejects me CONSTANTLY like every night I ask for sex and he says no, preferring to sit and play on his games til the early hours instead. As you can imagine the constant rejection has left me feeling unwanted and undesired and feeling like he's not attracted to me anymore. When I've raised the issue he says I've got nothing to worry about and no I don't think he's cheating etc he says he just doesn't really get horny anymore 🤔 I feel so disgusted with myself because in my head he doesn't want me sexually, he hasn't come onto me in probably a year if I'm honest it's always me making the effort, dressing up etc etc but Im at the point now where I don't see any point because he just rejects me anyway, and believe it or not the rejection hurts a hundred times more when I've put on a sexy outfit and made an effort than if I just ask for sex. I've told him how I feel but nothing ever gets sorted in this department. My mental state is starting to take a nose dive because of the lack of intimacy. He says he's content and happy but as much as that sounds nice I'm not content with the bare minimum sex life, I'm not happy feeling like I'm unwanted and undesired. It really truly is constant rejection and Im so down about it that I've actually filled a form out to go to talking therapy and I'm looking into a sex therapist for us to speak to from relate. Everyone Ive spoken to have said I should be grateful because he doesn't want sex as they don't want sex with their boyfriends/husbands but I DO want that intimacy with my fiancé. I'm so frustrated and I cry alot about it. Any advice? Is this normal? 😭😭

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 15/01/2021 18:01

Does he want to do anything to change the situation? Or is he happy with it?

Original poster
Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 18:03

@PaigeMatthews he isn't fussed about having more sex his reply is always 'its not like we NEVER have sex it's just as much as you want' he admits he doesn't come on to me but he doesn't seem to want to try to come on to me saying it's 'hard', when I've asked him to try and come onto me more and make me feel wanted and desired he says OK but then he doesn't do anything about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 18:04

@PaigeMatthews sorry that should of said 'NOT as much you want'

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 15/01/2021 18:07

If his sex drive has changed, and he "doesn't get horny anymore" he needs to see a doctor as this can be a symptom of a number of different conditions. Get him to call his GP asap, not because you want to get laid but because you want to make sure he's OK.

Fartintheloft · 15/01/2021 18:10

Unless there is anything else going in the relationship, such as control issues.
I went through this with my partner. It turned out he was depressed and in a slump. We both were, once that got fixed things changed. Would he go to counselling/couples counselling?

Original poster
Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 18:11

@Ohalrightthen
I've asked him to make an appointment with the GP but he refuses saying he doesn't need to see a doctor as there's nothing wrong with him... 'he's just not ever in the mood anymore' is what he says to me. Other than making him an appointment behind his back I don't know what to do to get him to see a GP.

OP posts:
Fartintheloft · 15/01/2021 18:12

Hope that makes sense! I meant if there is any control issues going on then my response would be different, if not then counselling... sorry lack of sleep! Blush

Original poster
Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 18:15

@Fartintheloft he's got an appointment with a therapist on Monday and I've filled out the online form this evening for talking therapy as the issue is getting me down, il have to speak to him tonight about going to couples therapy/sex therapy and see if he's OK with that idea. There's no control in the relationship, it's more of a well I don't want to do it so I'm not doing it kind of thing and that goes with everything if he doesn't want to do something he won't do it (his right i guess)

OP posts:
StrippedFridge · 15/01/2021 18:17

You can't talk someone into wanting to have sex with you. Sorry. If you want a sexual relationship it seems it won't be with him. I suggest you get him to find a therapist for you both to explore whether the spark can be found again. If he isn't interested in finding a therapist then that's your answer sadly.

StrippedFridge · 15/01/2021 18:17

Ah x-post.

StrippedFridge · 15/01/2021 18:18

Parents often have to do things they don't want to do. Are you saying he doesn't do any life crap jibs he doesn't want to do or are you meaning sex acts only?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2021 18:19

He is being very unfair towards you here by refusing to address the underlying causes. He probably thinks that doing anything would make this feel more real to him, less of a man or some other such rubbish.
I think less of him personally for not caring about your distress at this situation.

seensome · 15/01/2021 18:24

This is the reason I ended my relationship, gaming and no sex, I didn't want to be in dull relationship, I doubt there is any medical issue more likely selfish and lazy.

Original poster
Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 18:26

I want our relationship to work I love him with all my heart I really do but the lack of intimacy is really affecting me and he knows it is because I sound like a broken record about it with him. I've tried the whole dressing up sexy/the not asking for it etc but it makes no difference he just doesn't come on to me. But when he's asleep he will grab my hand and put it on his penis (over his boxes) I don't do anything though as he's asleep so I move my hand away and go back to sleep. I just feel like he doesn't want me anymore even though he says he does,but he obviously doesn't want me sexually :(

OP posts:
MrsBrunch · 15/01/2021 18:27

It's fine for him to not want sex but if can't live like that then separation is the only answer.

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2021 18:28

I have to be honest I think asking him every single day is a bit much. Then sitting crying about it. It must be putting a pressure on him, ans he will start to dread you asking. It’s a bit sex pesty. If a man was asking his partner every day everyone would be saying lay off

I think you need to take the pressure off.

Ohalrightthen · 15/01/2021 18:32

[quote Aghhhhhhhhhh]@Ohalrightthen
I've asked him to make an appointment with the GP but he refuses saying he doesn't need to see a doctor as there's nothing wrong with him... 'he's just not ever in the mood anymore' is what he says to me. Other than making him an appointment behind his back I don't know what to do to get him to see a GP.[/quote]
But that IS something wrong. A change in sex drive can indicate a medical problem. You need to tell him that.

Fartintheloft · 15/01/2021 18:33

They might not let you do both counselling and couples counselling - because the advice might clash, but I might be wrong. If they won’t then maybe you should start with getting separate sessions and seeing how that goes.

It’s such an awful thing to go through, my DH was the same, didn’t want to do anything together or have sex. It leads you protecting yourself, which then makes you feel more like friends/housemates, which can then cause a breakdown of the marriage.

Just keep telling yourself it’s not you, his actions are not your fault. It took a long time for me to get there as I totally felt everything you have described. Do small things to make you feel better. I looked at areas of my life I wanted to change and did those, it’s empowering and helps to combat the negativity you are feeling. If you feel better about yourself, it will really help Flowers

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 15/01/2021 18:36

At the end of the day, no one gets into a relationship to be ignored in the bedroom. You could have a housemate otherwise. I think it's reasonable for you to want sex, that's normal and natural. It's also reasonable for him to not have it if he doesn't want it. But those two states are mutually incompatible, so you might have to part ways.

NoOneOwnsTheRainbow · 15/01/2021 18:41

@Bluntness100

I have to be honest I think asking him every single day is a bit much. Then sitting crying about it. It must be putting a pressure on him, ans he will start to dread you asking. It’s a bit sex pesty. If a man was asking his partner every day everyone would be saying lay off

I think you need to take the pressure off.

So she's supposed to pretend she has no emotions on this, even in private to herself, to protect the delicate flower who doesn't want sex with her anymore? Hmm He's a grown man and he can (and does) exercise his right to say no, just as much as she can ask the question and is allowed to have feelings because she's not a robot. She is verbally asking him and she is respecting his response when he says no. I've never seen anyone on MN tell a man to lay off in this situation, they make a point of going in the opposite direction to be "fair". As is the case here, I think some people make a point of going too far in the opposite direction.
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 15/01/2021 18:47

Christ, if the roles were reversed and the husband was asking for sex every night and crying about it the answers would be very different.

How often do you have sex op?

Original poster
Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 18:50

I never ever force him to have sex with me, I respect his decision at all times, but I feel like there is no compromise, I'm not asking him to have sex multiple times a day or even every single day but a few times a week would be nice!

OP posts:
seensome · 15/01/2021 18:54

Prehaps your worst fears are true? He no longer has that desire for you, it's not nice to say but it's quite possible, especially if he has lack of interest in spending time with you generally.

Original poster
Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 18:55

@NeilBuchananisBanksy once a week on the rare occasion he agrees to have sex with me sometimes weeks go by and we don't have sex other times it's over a month. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Aghhhhhhhhhh · 15/01/2021 18:56

@seensome I've asked him about that and he said that he's still into me etc and finds me attractive, we spend time together watching crap on tv but that's as far as it goes nowadays :(

OP posts:
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