Fiancé won't come onto me anymore!!

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

OK so me and my DP have been together just over 4 years, in that time we have had many ups and downs, but I won't go into them, we have 2 DS's a preteen and a toddler (not sure if that's relevant) but anyway back to my main issue.... We do NOT have sex often at all anymore, initially when we got together he had a high sex drive, after the birth of our toddler I didn't want sex at all (had episiotomy etc and the thought of sex made me cringe as it hurt alot) fast forward to now and I'm obviously healed and I'm in the mood for sex most nights but I'm lucky if I get it once a week sometimes it can be a month without, he rejects me CONSTANTLY like every night I ask for sex and he says no, preferring to sit and play on his games til the early hours instead. As you can imagine the constant rejection has left me feeling unwanted and undesired and feeling like he's not attracted to me anymore. When I've raised the issue he says I've got nothing to worry about and no I don't think he's cheating etc he says he just doesn't really get horny anymore 🤔 I feel so disgusted with myself because in my head he doesn't want me sexually, he hasn't come onto me in probably a year if I'm honest it's always me making the effort, dressing up etc etc but Im at the point now where I don't see any point because he just rejects me anyway, and believe it or not the rejection hurts a hundred times more when I've put on a sexy outfit and made an effort than if I just ask for sex. I've told him how I feel but nothing ever gets sorted in this department. My mental state is starting to take a nose dive because of the lack of intimacy. He says he's content and happy but as much as that sounds nice I'm not content with the bare minimum sex life, I'm not happy feeling like I'm unwanted and undesired. It really truly is constant rejection and Im so down about it that I've actually filled a form out to go to talking therapy and I'm looking into a sex therapist for us to speak to from relate. Everyone Ive spoken to have said I should be grateful because he doesn't want sex as they don't want sex with their boyfriends/husbands but I DO want that intimacy with my fiancé. I'm so frustrated and I cry alot about it. Any advice? Is this normal? 😭😭

Hmm. It does seem that you want your sex life to be all on your terms tbh.

You (understandably) didn’t want to have sex post birth although he did. So you didn’t have sex at all. Fair enough.

Now you want sex every day but he wants it it less often, maybe a few times a month. It isn’t unusual for men to have a drop in libido as they age. You are still having sex, regularly it sounds. Just not every day.

I think you are being unreasonable to cry and pressure him into having sex with you.

Therapy sounds like a good idea.

“So he's supposed to pretend he has no emotions on this, even in private to himself, to protect the delicate flower who doesn't want sex with him anymore?”

Change the sex and that sounds awful.

Just to add, our sex life dropped massively after kids, a lot of the time we were both too knackered.

These days we probably have sex once, maybe twice a month. Whenever we do it is really really good, but then it leaves us both satisfied for a while.

I know some people on here act as if you are odd if you’re not at it constantly but it is a really personal thing. There is nothing wrong with not wanting lots of sex, the problem comes from a mismatch of desire to do it.

I think he's definitely overly aware you want sex and that kind of pressure and expectation is a turn off.

You need therapy together because you're communicating your needs but, even though you're not forcing him into sex, you're not respecting his.

There could be a genuine medical reason, or it could be that this all seems too full on, we're in a pandemic, life is stressful for every one right now and sex just isn't up on his list.

The last thing I'd want is every display of affection I give being expected to lead to sex because that would make me withdraw.

Quit while you're ahead OP, so that your relationship can recover.

Hi, has there been anything lately that you think ay have affected it, such as work stress, or have you guys been spending more time inside together because of COVID? What was your sex life like before?

I feel for you because I dated a guy who really struggled with low sex drive, we were together two years and he didn't initiate for 18 months (god that hurts to write). We maybe had sex every 4 weeks, more likely every 6-8 weeks. Young and no kids. I totally understand what you mean, it's the not being desired - I hated myself. It got to the point where I couldn't watch a sex scene on TV without getting upset, not so much at the lack of sex, but it was being in love with someone and not being able to share intimacy.

However, his issues were complex and due to mental heath (he was on medication where a known side affect is loss of libido), he was also a porn watcher and I personally think suffered from death grip.

Your partner seems to be happy with your sex life, if that is the case then you need to ask yourself if you can compromise to make it work. If you have had a previously heathy sex life, then I think that puts you in a better place than I was to make that happen.

Sounds to me like he is far more interested in playing on his game and going to bed earlier to have sex interferes with his gaming sessions

He's not being fair OP. It's not just about the sex, its also being loving and attentive to your partner. Is he loving and attentive ever? Are you?

If you didn't initiate sex, how long would it be? PP said, almost, that you should be grateful that he has sex with you a couple times a month, but that's, I'm assuming, because you're initiating it. I've been there, it's a horrible situation and it destroys your self esteem. I stopped trying it on in the end, as the rejection was killing me and we went over a year without sex before the relationship ended.

I would speak to your partner again. If he's unwilling to do anything about it and is happy with the level of intimacy you have (which I'm guessing is minimal) then you can't do much unfortunately apart from decide if you want to remain in the relationship as it is.

With my DP I made it clear, sex and intimacy were important to me. If there's an issue which would effect that, he (or I) would need to seek help and also have open conversations with each other about it.

In fairness, I would probably have been called a sex pest (cringe) and I never pushed my ex for sex but yes, I did mention it a lot.

I completely understand how you're feeling and if you ever want to PM me I'd be happy to talk anytime 😊.

On a side note - don't have sex to feel wanted, needed and desired (that's a recipe for disaster of all sorts). Have sex because you fancy an orgasm.
OP, do you masturbate?

Exact same boat, currently 6 weeks and counting. I have all the same feelings as you, have tried all the same things. It's very lonely isn't it, it is affecting me very much and i'm sorry you're going through it too. No advice or i'd be using it myself, but following with interest!

@willsa out of genuine interest, other than through sharing intimacy with your partner, how would you suggest to go about correcting feelings of not feeling wanted and desired? I have been trying to work on fulfilling my own needs in terms of self interests etc. But when my partner (who is the only one in a position to meet sexual needs and treat me in a way that makes me feel desired) shows no interest in me in this way, it affects me deeply.

If he explained to me an actual reason why he doesn't want to have sex as much instead of using phrases like 'it's a phase,' I'm just not overly bothered about sex anymore', 'I don't feel horny often', etc I would have more of an understanding. If he spent more time with me (God I sound so needy but I'm not) instead of saying we have our own lives to and we are always together (which whilst true he does work but also it isn't quality time together as he's usually gaming and I'm doing whatever craft I have) occasionally we will watch a movie or a series and have a cuddle but that's as far as the intimacy seems to go these days. I think he's depressed but he denies it and we do have other issues, oh god he'd hate me if he saw this bit but his penis goes floppy sometimes when we have had sex so I don't know if that's causing some of the issue (again he won't see a GP - I've suggested that delicately in the past) I completely get that I come across as a sex pest and that's not what I'm trying to do at all, I just want the intimacy back that we used to have I don't expect it every night but a little bit more than we have now would be fantastic. I love him to bits I just feel like I'm unattractive etc

@Bluntness100

I have to be honest I think asking him every single day is a bit much. Then sitting crying about it. It must be putting a pressure on him, ans he will start to dread you asking. It’s a bit sex pesty. If a man was asking his partner every day everyone would be saying lay off

I think you need to take the pressure off.

This. Also it seems from what you said, his behaviour changed after the time you were telling him you didn't want sex with him due to understandable physical issues.

I would be wondering if he has been watching porn, especially if he's up in the early hours. A lot of men feel entitled to women's bodies unfortunately and if he wasn't "getting" sex from you, perhaps he has started, or increased, his use of porn during the period the two of you weren't having sex and is now in the habit of using porn and other women's bodies to satisfy him, rather than his loving partner. Porn allows men a strong feeling of control over women's bodies because they can view them when they want and how often, and it's totally focused on their own selfish pleasure

The important thing to know is that you are not to blame in any way. You carried and gave birth to his child which he should be eternally grateful for.
I would have a frank discussion about porn with him, and tell him you need to know the underlying reasons (whether they're porn or not) because being kept in the dark is simply unfair on you as his sex drive was never previously like this

Couple counselling, a focus on increasing couple only time which can increase desire for each other, porn addiction therapy, medication e.g. to boost testosterone, could all be valid solutions depending on what the underlying problem is. Be aware that his behaviour change could also be to sheer tiredness from having to cope with a toddler, or work stress or depression.

If you were a man posting this on here you’d be told to wind your neck in.

@Aghhhhhhhhhh it's so tough. I've been there. My ex was a gamer and also suffered with depression (gaming was his escape). Please don't feel ashamed about how you feel. I guessed there wouldn't be much intimacy (and I'm not meaning sex). You can't force him to get help; it's tough for men to admit they have a problem when it comes to this. I would talk to him, stop initiating sex (I know it's tough), and then have a deadline in your head (6 months, a year etc ) and then review it then. Hopefully he'll be willing to seek help .

@Carysmatthews

If you were a man posting this on here you’d be told to wind your neck in.

@Aghhhhhhhhhh

If he explained to me an actual reason why he doesn't want to have sex as much instead of using phrases like 'it's a phase,' I'm just not overly bothered about sex anymore', 'I don't feel horny often', etc I would have more of an understanding. If he spent more time with me (God I sound so needy but I'm not) instead of saying we have our own lives to and we are always together (which whilst true he does work but also it isn't quality time together as he's usually gaming and I'm doing whatever craft I have) occasionally we will watch a movie or a series and have a cuddle but that's as far as the intimacy seems to go these days. I think he's depressed but he denies it and we do have other issues, oh god he'd hate me if he saw this bit but his penis goes floppy sometimes when we have had sex so I don't know if that's causing some of the issue (again he won't see a GP - I've suggested that delicately in the past) I completely get that I come across as a sex pest and that's not what I'm trying to do at all, I just want the intimacy back that we used to have I don't expect it every night but a little bit more than we have now would be fantastic. I love him to bits I just feel like I'm unattractive etc

Just read the above.

To be honest I think a lot of men go through exactly the same thing but in reverse. I.e. their partners suddenly lose interest in them sexually after children, which continues even after they're fully recovered from the birth. Many of these women would say exactly the same thing as your boyfriend is saying now and the man would feel inwardly rejected a lot of the time. Like women are, he's fully within his rights not to have sex and I guess it would be a case of waiting for things to improve once the demanding toddler years are over.

I think it's still worth exploring with him the other points I made in my post above.

@Carysmatthews

If you were a man posting this on here you’d be told to wind your neck in.

Sigh..

This does tend to be one of those topics where if men ever complain about their partners lack of desire to have sex they are told in no uncertain terms to look at themselves as it is likely their fault. When women complain about their partners lack of desire to have sex they are more likely to be told it isnt their fault but almost certainly his! There is a strong prejudice that men should want sex more and if they don’t it is wrong, or suspicious. I don’t think that is very healthy, everyone is different.

He might not know why his sex drive is lower and so can’t give you the answer you want. If it is stress then that can creep up on you and makes itself known in odd ways.

If you want the intimacy back perhaps focus on that but without the sex for a while. Make a point of saying that you want to take sex off the agenda and instead spend time reconnecting. You can have physical and emotional intimacy without sex (and without clothes!). You may find that with sex off the table it then becomes a natural consequence of spending time focusing on just touching and talking.

It's nobody's fault though.

If he explained to me an actual reason why he doesn't want to have sex as much instead of using phrases like 'it's a phase,' I'm just not overly bothered about sex anymore', 'I don't feel horny often', etc I would have more of an understanding.

Those are his reasons OP. Stop pushing him. He said no. If it's not enough for you then separate.

OK so we've talked and he's willing to give sex therapy ago and relationship therapy for our other issues, I'm going to call relate in the morning. Thank you for all your words x

I hope you both manage to work it all together - good luck!

@Carysmatthews Actually I think she’d have the same supportive responses. She’s not forcing him in anyway. She even said she removes her hand when he places it on his penis during his sleep. She’s a normal woman craving a sexual relationship with her husband. Most healthy people want the same sex life with their loved ones. It’s 2020 and woman should never be shamed for having a healthy sexual appetite!

It's 2021

@MrsBrunch touché 😂

@Aghhhhhhhhhh I really hope it all works out for you! Xx