Fiancé won't come onto me anymore!!

[Aghhhhhhhhhh]

OK so me and my DP have been together just over 4 years, in that time we have had many ups and downs, but I won't go into them, we have 2 DS's a preteen and a toddler (not sure if that's relevant) but anyway back to my main issue.... We do NOT have sex often at all anymore, initially when we got together he had a high sex drive, after the birth of our toddler I didn't want sex at all (had episiotomy etc and the thought of sex made me cringe as it hurt alot) fast forward to now and I'm obviously healed and I'm in the mood for sex most nights but I'm lucky if I get it once a week sometimes it can be a month without, he rejects me CONSTANTLY like every night I ask for sex and he says no, preferring to sit and play on his games til the early hours instead. As you can imagine the constant rejection has left me feeling unwanted and undesired and feeling like he's not attracted to me anymore. When I've raised the issue he says I've got nothing to worry about and no I don't think he's cheating etc he says he just doesn't really get horny anymore 🤔 I feel so disgusted with myself because in my head he doesn't want me sexually, he hasn't come onto me in probably a year if I'm honest it's always me making the effort, dressing up etc etc but Im at the point now where I don't see any point because he just rejects me anyway, and believe it or not the rejection hurts a hundred times more when I've put on a sexy outfit and made an effort than if I just ask for sex. I've told him how I feel but nothing ever gets sorted in this department. My mental state is starting to take a nose dive because of the lack of intimacy. He says he's content and happy but as much as that sounds nice I'm not content with the bare minimum sex life, I'm not happy feeling like I'm unwanted and undesired. It really truly is constant rejection and Im so down about it that I've actually filled a form out to go to talking therapy and I'm looking into a sex therapist for us to speak to from relate. Everyone Ive spoken to have said I should be grateful because he doesn't want sex as they don't want sex with their boyfriends/husbands but I DO want that intimacy with my fiancé. I'm so frustrated and I cry alot about it. Any advice? Is this normal? 😭😭

after the birth of our toddler I didn't want sex at all

He got used to not having sex for a couple of years, got the ick, and now see you as a partner rather than a lover. Good luck with the sex therapy. Not everyone can get the lust back after such a dry spell but maybe he will.

@Aghhhhhhhhhh

OK so we've talked and he's willing to give sex therapy ago and relationship therapy for our other issues, I'm going to call relate in the morning. Thank you for all your words x

That sounds promising - at the very least he's starting to accept that there may be an issue. Be careful about pursuing the possible depression angle too much - a side effect of a lot of antidepressants is that they suppress sexual desire.

Lockdown has been pretty tough on many people - mentally and sometimes physically. What's his alcohol intake like, and physical fitness? They can have an effect on libido and ability to maintain an erection.

Been together 4 years, have his child but he's still only a fiancé. Seems like he doesn't have a lot of commitment to your relationship?

@filka
Did you mean to be so rude? If you'd like to cough up 10k for us to get married please be my guest 🙄

Doesn’t that make you a sex pest ?

You don’t need 10k to get married

[quote Aghhhhhhhhhh]@filka
Did you mean to be so rude? If you'd like to cough up 10k for us to get married please be my guest 🙄[/quote]
Just a thought but COVID is affecting a lot of relationships at the moment. I know this is a long standing issue for you but everything is kinda magnified at the moment. Lockdown is bloody hard .I know my husband finds me very attractive and he is a very good looking man as in women have literally thrown themselves at him on front of me 😡 .. lols . But at the moment I don't see that side of him and I'm sure he feels the same we have been in lockdown almost a year now on and off it's been soooo hard . From my previous threads my dh has taken up porn and isn't apologetic about it either .. I'm like wtf ... I've given up alcohol (unheard of )! Taken up cycling and am back smoking on and off 😳 so out of character for us both . Try not to view all of this as about you your dp could be struggling don't leave it be a reflection of you xxx

Hes perfectly entitled to not want sex as much as you do! There's nothing wrong with how much he wants it. And being asked every night is a big turn off. I can imagine if the roles were reversed you would be told exactly that.

What games is he playing until the early hours ? Is he watching porn OP ?

@Anordinarymum

What games is he playing until the early hours ? Is he watching porn OP ?

Bet he is 😩

I didn't mean to be rude but perhaps I was blunt. But largely I'm playing back what you have said yourself.

I don't buy the can't afford a wedding story because:

1. having a child is a huge financial commitment together, the cost of a wedding must pale into insignificance by comparison. I bet you've spent more than £10k already.
2. by not being married you have put yourself in a seriously detrimental position if things go wrong.

The vast majority of MN responses on your issue, which comes up frequently are:
a) put up with it, if you are willing to spend the rest of your life like this
b) leave, because the likelihood of it getting better are slim

As you have seen with the therapy options, the first problem is to get DP to admit that there is a problem at all.