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Partner problems advice please
26

ChronicCam · 15/01/2021 15:55

Hello,
My partner and I have been 8n a relationship for almost 8 years now. It's been ok but recently I feel lost and fed up. He doesn't do anything and I mean anything at all doesn't work he has health issues, doesn't clean, doesn't help me with anything or shopping. He's become quite controlling too. Our joint money goes to his account and if I have to go to.the shop which is every day as he's asleep he checks what I've spent and speaks to me like a naughty child. He is ok to buy a bottle of vodka every day and his weed if I want anything sanitary towels shampoo etc I have to do online surveys rather than ask him as it'll be a battle. I don't even like being in the house as there's an atmosphere. Today he was awake before me playing his online games which is all he does. He'd stayed awake all night on it. I wanted to Hoover the living room and started to now i regret it. It put him in a mood and off his game. I've not been able to Hoover for months maybe 5 now because he is so lazy and won't pick the bed up. We are sleeping downstairs because upstairs needs decorating. I've been asking him to help for over a year. He always finds an excuse oh not with the dog or cat I had to rehome them. I've decluttered to get us going as it's a new year but he just avoids everything. Any suggestions i make about anything he's always the opposite or I'm wrong. For example the washing machine started smoking. I want to take a look at it so I suggested removing the drum he said no we'll just leave it then. He sleeps all day in the living room and I have to tip toe around scared to disturb him. I can't live like this. If i bring anything up he shuts me down. I just want a normal life. I can't even open the curtains in the room. It got so bad at one point because he won't let me clean that we had book lice all over the window ledges. I'm appalled and feel disgusted that he doesn't mind it yet complains it's not clean or tidy wtaf. He seems so happy playing his game with his online friends as soon as he stops he turns on me and isn't a nice person at all. I do think he has some kind of autism or something as some of the things he will say to people you just wouldn't. I have grandchildren and when they visit I don't want them walking in on a dirty bedsit as that's what it looks like. He just doesn't care or even notice how wrong it all is. He wasn't like this at first. Now he blames anxiety which he has when it suits him. It's turning me into an anxious introvert which I'm not but his behaviour is affecting me and I feel a shell of myself. He has hit me in the past but not since. I seem to have become a yes person and quite meek around him. I don't like conflict but if i do ask him about thing he sees it as a threat and becomes aggressive in his tone whixh puts me in defence mode. I'm now too scared to say how I feel now which is ridiculous. If he wants something I drop everything and sort it out. I don't really know how to tackle this with him without getting his defences up. At the moment we seem very seperate i spend my days tip toeing upstairs while he festers downstairs only to engage with me when he's had enough to drink and his gaming goes well. I know physically he can't do much with arthritis and a lung condition but I myself have chronic pain syndrome Chronic fatigue syndrome, fibromyalgia, interstitial cystitis, ibs and I'm blind but I still do as much as i can. All I want is a clean home and a bit of normality. It hurts me deeply when he bangs on about how funny his pals are on his game when I'm sitting next to him blanked. If i pick up my phone he loses the plot saying I'm not engaging etc. His new issue is of i use anything wirh fragrance if i use bleach or any cleaning products he has a go at me he can't stand strong smells. I can't use my skincare products or anything as it smells. To me it feels like anything I enjoy needs to stop as it affects him. I just don't understand what is going on or how to bring up these problems with him without a row. A petty disagreement can last for hours for example I ate a snack he said he didn't want them they're disgusting and the next day he spent 3 hours having a go about me eating the last one. I mean how do you deal with someone who becomes so irrational over things.

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Thingsdogetbetter · 15/01/2021 15:59

By leaving! Dear god, that sounds like hell and the complete opposite of a partnership - even an unloving one. Go stay with one of your dc, force a house sale, take a lose if you have to and choose life!

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Sparklfairy · 15/01/2021 16:01

This is one of the worst and saddest relationship situations I've read on here Sad you need to leave!

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nimbuscloud · 15/01/2021 16:02

What is keeping you there?
Have you got a bank account of your own? If not set one up ASAP and get your money paid into that.

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inappropriateraspberry · 15/01/2021 16:04

What do you get out of this relationship? Leave him or throw him out!

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Thatwentbadly · 15/01/2021 16:06

I didn’t get all the way through that. He is a lazy, financial abusive and an alcoholic. You can’t deal with a person like this.

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YoniAndGuy · 15/01/2021 16:10

Jesus! What the hell are you still doing there?

Get rid, instantly.

Do you own the house? Hopefully you're renting, or it's yours - anything but joint ownership.

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Ludo19 · 15/01/2021 16:14

Too much to digest. He's abusive plain and simple.

If you had to rehome your pets through your partner then that alone would be enough of a reason for me to leave, let alone a lazy, abusive, controlling piss artist!

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Aquamarine1029 · 15/01/2021 16:17

Omg, what in the hell are you doing? Why on earth are you handing your money over to him? Kick him out and move on.

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cracracatlady · 15/01/2021 16:21

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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Orf1abc · 15/01/2021 16:41

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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MLM268 · 15/01/2021 16:50

Oh this is one of the saddest things I've ever read on here. I just don't understand why you're with him? He doesn't even support you financially so I can't think of a single reason why you've stayed. Please leave him. Please.

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Cherrysoup · 15/01/2021 16:52

Why on earth are you with him? Are you getting anything from this relationship? You don’t need our permission to leave him, you know. I think you’d be better off on your own. He is clearly abusive.

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Rosequartz7 · 15/01/2021 16:54

Please get out, or get some support to get out, this is no life. Imagine having your own clean place, being safe, having your own money, being allowed to spend it, not walking on constant eggshells. I hope you can find the strength to leave, no one should have to live like this. Please take care.

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fairydustandpixies · 15/01/2021 17:31

OP this is horrific. You absolutely do NOT have to live like this. It's tough but you need to get out of there. Today, really. You cannot spend your days living in this situation - get help, womens aid, citizen's advice, they're all available on the phone. Please get out asap.

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Onthemaintrunkline · 15/01/2021 18:06

This is as close to a horror story as I can imagine. Your life with this individual is a horror story. Neither of you want or need each other whilst he is controlling and making your life a living hell. As other posters have said, this is the saddest situation ever. When to leave?? Only you can decide, but when you do, just know a whole new wonderful way (even with Covid) of living awaits you. I wish you strength and determination to escape. Seek help quickly. Hugs 🤗

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Dery · 15/01/2021 18:13

As PP have said: this is one of the saddest posts I have ever read and I didn’t read the whole thing. I am also certain that a lot of your health problems would ease considerably without this nasty man in your life - your body is expressing your emotions.

You’re being abused in so many ways - why does he control the money, for starters?

What do you need in order to get away?

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StrippedFridge · 15/01/2021 18:22

Get your own bank account immediately.

Move out.

What is the housing situation? How easily can you move to a place on your own?

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sickofit39 · 15/01/2021 20:02

@Sparklfairy

This is one of the worst and saddest relationship situations I've read on here Sad you need to leave!

Omg . This .
Get out now
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Itstimetoquit · 15/01/2021 20:34

He sounds utterly disgusting,pack your stuff and leave asap x

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CrotchetyQuaver · 15/01/2021 20:46

Pack up and leave! Anything sounds like it will be better than the life you're currently living

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GretaSheen · 15/01/2021 20:50

This is so so sad.

Please leave. You can't fix him.

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AngusThermopyle · 15/01/2021 20:56

Oh my god. This is awful.
Is there anyone at all that can help you get the fuck out of there? Get your wages paid into your own account too.

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ShellsandSand · 15/01/2021 21:12

I was reading this thinking it was a young girl with a lazy twenty something year old gamer bf! When you said you had grandchildren I was Shock. You need to leave this situation. He is absolutely good for nothing by the sounds of it. Agree with PP about this being one of the saddest relationships posted on here. Find the strength OP. This isn't what life should be like. Flowers

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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/01/2021 21:15

I can't understand why you are with this turd, it's obvious you don't like him. Is your self esteem so low you feel this is all you can get.
I'd sooner be dead than live like this.
There is NOTHING great about this man.

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frozendaisy · 16/01/2021 13:11

Just you have to do online surveys for toiletries yet you put your money into his account.

Do you understand how far from normal just this is.

Make plans to leave. Now. Many other more knowledgeable posters can give you advice how.

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