My partner's behaviour is becoming more and more intolerable. In our long relationship, he has always had a quick temper, so I am not sure whether he is getting worse, or whether I am getting so worn down by it I can't take any more.
I have a catalogue of examples/memories, most of which are engrained in my head.
In the past I think I was persuaded (or bullied) by him into believing I had started the fire and had 'wound him up', but as time has gone on I have begun to realise that he winds himself up, usually in response to something quite innocent that I have said, or done. I can't understand why he acts this way.
I'll give you an example.
It was recently his sister's birthday, which I remembered the day before (yes, HIS SISTER, and yes I REMEMBERED). Fortunately I had a card, but it wouldn't have got there in time in the post, so I intended to take it to her the next day (or we would as a family, whatever was decided really). On the morning of her birthday, as I do normally, I sent a quick message to wish her a happy birthday. Later on in the afternoon, I reminded him that it was her birthday (my intention of starting the conversation was to discuss the fact I would like to take the card and get her some flowers, or the like). He asked me if I'd sent a message in the morning. I said I had and he asked if it was from us all. It wasn't exactly a message from us all as it was me just sending a quick comms in the morning (as I do to all my friends), as I intended to go later in the day to see her, so I truthfully said that it wasn't and started to begin to say that I had the card from us all and was going to get her some flowers or the like. He immediately started on me, saying things like now the family will think he doesn't care, how could I have done that, shouting at me, calling me names, telling me how bad I was to have done it that way, telling me how bad I am (when he gets like this he invariably brings up other irrelevant stuff I do that annoys him), saying she never does anything for him, so why should we go out of our way, and that we don't have time anyway. He wouldn't let me explain why the message wasn't badged from us all (the later card would be). In exasperation, I eventually said that if he didn't like the way I had done the morning message he could always send one himself (it is important that I tell you that I didn't say it aggressively, just as if it was a passing comment). Well, that aggravated him furthermore and gave him more ammo to throw at me. He ranted that he had 'been out all day and his phone had run out of charge and' you know that' (he was out for pleasure and had been back in the house sometime and continued doing things at home for pleasure, and was charging his phone, so could actually have sent a message himself, but that wasn't my point - and I didn't expect him to send his own message - I was exasperated and offended by his behaviour towards me, after having done something with absolutely good intentions).
So this is the type of thing that winds him up. I believe I did nothing wrong and had honerable intentions. On a few occasions since this incident, I have approached him calmly to try and explain how this behaviour makes me feel, but it only lights his touch paper again and things escalate to intolerable levels. This particular 'row' went on for days. He says he has reviewed the incident and believes he was right and I was in the wrong. I have explained that the specific incident is sort of irrelevant now and that I need to help him to understand how this sort of behaviour is destroying me, but he seems to muddy the waters by referring back to it, or as he usually does, brings other things that he perceives I have done wrong (historically) into the conversation (like he is strengthening his argument/position). Sometimes, when I do something he perceives to be wrong, untimely, etc. he will rant at me for over an hour (including name calling and him jumping up and down biting his finger etc.) He also seems to expect me to say things in certain ways and for me to agree with him, even if I don't.
I have started to document when these things happen and it can sometimes be as often as a couple of times a week.
I have got to the stage that I am programmed to not say certain things to him to avoid this behaviour and when I explain to him that I feel I can't talk to him because he might blow up at me, he just says that's my problem.
The other thing to mention is he can get back to thinking everything is normal pretty quickly after one of these spats, but it kills me so much it can take me a long time to come round. This causes more trouble, as he the accuses me of being stoney faced and cold. As you can imagine, we don't have much of an intimate relationship, which he sometimes says is the reason for his outbursts. I understand that, but unfortunately don't have much respect or desire for him.
I feel very depressed, anxious and sad at times. We have a young daughter who is often a bystander to these outbursts and it kills me to know this is affecting her.
I know you will say that I need to leave and I realise eventually it might be my only option, but does anyone have any suggestions for helping me to help him to help us? I spend a lot of time reading up how I can help and I do wonder if he is depressed, or has some other form of mental illness.