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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me what you would do

57 replies

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 14:25

I know how easily posters here tell you to leave a partner, close the door on a relationship, etc. So I don't expect this attitude to be any different in the replies I will get to this post. However I'd like to get some opinions (and MN isn't short of those!).

I've been with my OH for two years. We see each other a couple of nights a week, sometimes more depending on work commitments. In pre-Covid times we'd go away for short breaks and generally do what most couples do.

However I feel we are still 'dating.' We've met each other's families multiple times, met each other's friends and plan stuff that's months (not years) away. Sex is fantastic and we have a great time together - we enjoy watching some of the same shows, have a couple of shared hobbies, laugh a lot.

But I would be lying if I said I think we are madly in love with each other. We care for each other very much and enjoy spending time together. We are the longest relationship each of us has had post divorce (around 5 - 7 years ago).

Here's my dilemma. Before meeting OH, I had a couple of dates with someone else. Just a couple. But it was one of those things where the sparks were so strong we were a fire risk! The chemistry. The connection. It was unbelievable. We ticked so many of each other's boxes. We were both thrilled. The issue at the time was this person felt his kids were too young and he didn't want to upset them by introducing a new partner to them. I was gutted. I was equally disappointed and mad that he would let something like this go because of this. Most children today have divorced parents. I wouldn't have wanted to be introduced until everyone felt it was the right time (I wanted to date the parent, not the children).But it was his decision and I accepted it.

Last week he got in touch. Out of the blue. He texted me saying he had been wanting to contact me again for a while but wasn't sure how I'd take it. When I saw the message my jaw dropped. I'm now in two minds: what should I do? Potentially this man is a better fit for me than most men I've met in the past. But was the kids' reason an excuse? Could you really have a few dates with someone, dates that go really, really well, and then realise it's too soon to date?

I haven't replied to his message yet because I don't know what to say. Or whether to reply altogether. So I'm hoping someone here can share words of wisdom please.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 14/01/2021 14:39

The kids reason was bs.
He wanted a fuck buddy then and wants one again now.

I'd be tempted to say theres nothing wrong with company and comfort with a nice person, it is a brilliant thing to have. Nothing to risk on a gamble. Because tbh getting better than that on a lasting basis, is very hard to find.

That being said, you wouldnt be thinking of leaving him for someone else if what you have is enough for you. So I say, pic neither.

Wanderlusto · 14/01/2021 14:40

Also, you cant reply to the other guy right now if you are in a relationship. It would be inappropriate. Unless it's to say 'thanks but no thanks'.

LockdownLoving · 14/01/2021 15:03

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Original poster

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 15:26

@Wanderlusto company, comfort and laughter are great but what about the head-over-heels love? That doesn't fade with time. And no, if I decided to reply anything beyond 'no, thanks' I would finish with my OH first. But I don't want to finish with him. We have a good thing. It's just the unreal chemistry and sparks that aren't there on the same level.

OP posts:

Wanderlusto · 14/01/2021 15:32

Head over heels love belongs in Disney. Not in real life. Real love is compassion, kindness and mutual respect. Sure there might be relationships that are more passion and fire...but for the most part that part of things doesn't last.

Provided yout fancy your current partner, I don't understand why you would risk that for anything. Let alone some storybook fictional ideal.

movingonup20 · 14/01/2021 15:32

Don't want to sound like an old cynic but head over heels doesn't last forever. Long term you need to enjoy each other's company, be responsive to each other's needs etc. As an older friend said to me (rather cheekily, he's 83) make sure it's not just good sex because once you get older the equipment doesn't work as well.

Yes love is important, but don't confuse it with lust, only the former is long term

Bluebirdcup · 14/01/2021 15:36

You set up your post OP as if your current relationship is somehow the issue or that your OH is just 'dating' you and then you drop in about a previous guy. It's not, I don't think you really want to be in your current relationship but are doing that really co dependent immature thing of waiting to be tempted then cheating.

Why can't people just be happy to be single. You're only in your relationship now because you don't want to be alone.

Honeyroar · 14/01/2021 15:38

You need both. The hear fades after a couple of years and you need to be comfortable and best friends. What you have with your current partner sounds like a normal two year relationship. Were you thinking of leaving without this ex popping up. You really don’t know anything about him other than you really fancy him and he kinda let you down.

AzraiL · 14/01/2021 15:40

Head over heels vannot last forever- our bodies are incapable of maintaining that level of physical stimulation over a long period of time. You'd literally have a heart attack.

Which is why those feelings tend to calm down over time after bonding. We grow comfortable with one another. What was new and exciting becomes familiar- for everyone.

So those initial feelings of excitement aside, you should probably ask yourselves what this guy offers you that your current partner doesn't. It's probably a whole lot of nothing.

Original poster

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 15:45

I do believe it was mostly lust during those dates (it couldn't be anything else at that stage) but there were also other aspects of that man that could make him a better fit for me than OH. But I don't really know the other man so it could turn out that I wouldn't have all the other things I have with OH, with him.

It just feels like I'll be closing the door on someone who, right now, seems like such a great potential partner for me and I don't want to always think 'what if' - it wouldn't be fair on OH and on me.

Are you guys really saying that you are not madly in love with your long-term partners anymore? That in your experience, after a while that goes and it's 'just' the rest that remains?

OP posts:

gannett · 14/01/2021 15:46

Reread the OP a couple of times because I thought something was missing - realised that it was any description of either of these men's personalities.

What are their characters like, what are their qualities as people - not just as means to "sparks" or "chemistry"? And what are their flaws - the ones you'll have to live with in a LTR?

Who do you LIKE best?

SleepingStandingUp · 14/01/2021 15:46

But you're not single.

Decide if you want to be with current guy. If you do, ignore other bloke or message saying your now in a relationship so meeting up would be inappropriate.

If you don't, dunno him and give yourself some time. Message guy saying you'd like to meet up in a few months but there's a lot going on right now

CallistoSol · 14/01/2021 15:47

I think you sound immature and like you read too many romantic novels. You have a solid relationship with a man who ticks all the boxes and who cares about you but you are harking back to what was essentially a one night stand. If the ONS man had liked you enough he would have kept you around. I also think he's after a fuck buddy, why else did it take this long to get back in touch? His usual fuck buddy has probably just dumped him.

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2021 15:47

I think the sparks were from you. If they were from him and it was mutual no way he’d have binned you off. And he thinks you know it, hence why his hesitant message about not sure how you’d take it. He thinks you’ve realised he just binned you off becayse he wasn’t interested. Sadly for you you’ve maintained your crush and have not.

You can bin your current relationship for him. In fact you should end it. Becayse you’re not committed

But the likely hood is this guys being playing the field, hit a dry spell and is wondering if you’d be up for it.

NerdyBird · 14/01/2021 15:49

It sounds to me like you want external approval for some reason. You clearly want to give it another go. Do break up with your partner first, you don't seem fussed about him anyway.

StrippedFridge · 14/01/2021 15:49

Imagine it were long-lasting, all the sexy sparks. Would you leave OH for the new man? I think you would.

Imagine it were just a few good shags then boring. Would you leave OH for that? I think not.

Imagine new man fucks off into the sunset now. In two years time would you want to be in your current relationship? I think not.

Personally, post-divorce, I like the sound of your permanent dating relationship but you are not me and I think you want more.

Given you want more both sexually and long term then I think your current relationship is doomed. It sounds like OH is just a good friend.

CallistoSol · 14/01/2021 15:49

Actually, I want to change my 'advice'. I actually think you should finish it with your current guy because you are clearly not committed to the relationship. If you were you wouldn't even countenance Mr ONS.

Bluntness100 · 14/01/2021 15:50

Yes, I also think you are going to do this as you’ve a real crush on this guy.

Just go in with your eyes open, accept he dumped you last time because he wasn’t feeling it. Used his kids as an excuse. That the same could happen again.

Somethingkindaoooo · 14/01/2021 15:51

Why did the first guy start dating if he felt his kids were too young?

I would lay money that he's been in a relationship, and just broke up.

Seriously- a fiver

Angeldust2810 · 14/01/2021 15:52

Maybe think of it this way. If you break up with your current partner and the new relationship goes the same way as before, how would you feel?

Perhaps tell the messenger guy you are in a relationship and see what he does. That might show you how serious he is this time or if he’s just looking for more of the same?

Personally I wouldn’t go back. If he was that into you, he wouldn’t have risked losing you to someone else and what you have now is real.

With him, it’s still a maybe.

BornIn78 · 14/01/2021 15:53

You risk throwing something that sounds really quite good away, for someone that will pick you up and drop you again when it suits - next time it’ll be his job, or he’s stressed and needs a break, or elderly parents need caring for, or whatever. The kids excuse was bullshit.

It’s lockdown, a pandemic, it’s been slim pickings in terms of opportunities for dating or a shag this year, so he’s dropped you a fishing text to see if you’ll bite.

Were you really genuinely dissatisfied with your current relationship before this guy sent his fishing text?

HollowTalk · 14/01/2021 15:53

Take this new/old man out of the equation. Do you think you and your regular boyfriend will have a long relationship? After two years you're only seeing each other a couple of times a week. How many nights are there in a month when you could be together but you're not?

Original poster

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 15:55

Just to clarify: I have NOT slept with the other guy.

OP posts:

Sway19 · 14/01/2021 15:55

The thing is OP, sparks burn out, then you’re left with with you and your OH have already worked so hard for

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/01/2021 15:56

[quote Conundrumdrum]@Wanderlusto company, comfort and laughter are great but what about the head-over-heels love? That doesn't fade with time. And no, if I decided to reply anything beyond 'no, thanks' I would finish with my OH first. But I don't want to finish with him. We have a good thing. It's just the unreal chemistry and sparks that aren't there on the same level.[/quote]
Head over heels doesn't last for ever for most people. Once you get to know the person well, they will have their flaws like everyone else, and sometimes head over heels love can cloud your judgement and make you put up with things you wouldn't usually put up with.
Would be silly to throw away a long term relationship with someone youbget in so well with for some guy that ditched you years ago with some excuse about having kids. It was bullshit.

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