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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me what you would do

57 replies

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 14:25

I know how easily posters here tell you to leave a partner, close the door on a relationship, etc. So I don't expect this attitude to be any different in the replies I will get to this post. However I'd like to get some opinions (and MN isn't short of those!).

I've been with my OH for two years. We see each other a couple of nights a week, sometimes more depending on work commitments. In pre-Covid times we'd go away for short breaks and generally do what most couples do.

However I feel we are still 'dating.' We've met each other's families multiple times, met each other's friends and plan stuff that's months (not years) away. Sex is fantastic and we have a great time together - we enjoy watching some of the same shows, have a couple of shared hobbies, laugh a lot.

But I would be lying if I said I think we are madly in love with each other. We care for each other very much and enjoy spending time together. We are the longest relationship each of us has had post divorce (around 5 - 7 years ago).

Here's my dilemma. Before meeting OH, I had a couple of dates with someone else. Just a couple. But it was one of those things where the sparks were so strong we were a fire risk! The chemistry. The connection. It was unbelievable. We ticked so many of each other's boxes. We were both thrilled. The issue at the time was this person felt his kids were too young and he didn't want to upset them by introducing a new partner to them. I was gutted. I was equally disappointed and mad that he would let something like this go because of this. Most children today have divorced parents. I wouldn't have wanted to be introduced until everyone felt it was the right time (I wanted to date the parent, not the children).But it was his decision and I accepted it.

Last week he got in touch. Out of the blue. He texted me saying he had been wanting to contact me again for a while but wasn't sure how I'd take it. When I saw the message my jaw dropped. I'm now in two minds: what should I do? Potentially this man is a better fit for me than most men I've met in the past. But was the kids' reason an excuse? Could you really have a few dates with someone, dates that go really, really well, and then realise it's too soon to date?

I haven't replied to his message yet because I don't know what to say. Or whether to reply altogether. So I'm hoping someone here can share words of wisdom please.

OP posts:

Knackeredmommy · 14/01/2021 15:57

Are you willing to lose this relationship for a what if? If you are, then maybe there's something lacking in this relationship for you? Only you knows

Bubbles1st · 14/01/2021 16:02

I had something similar. So based on that this is my opinion

For you to even have these thoughts you do not value and respect your current relationship.

If you see the other guy it could the beginning of the most wonderful relationship of your life.

If you see the other guy and it doesn't come to anything what will you feel you have lost?

If you don't see the other guy, is that because you don't want to risk being alone, or you actually love your current guy?

In my case my man told me at work one day how he felt as I was leaving for a new job and he couldn't dare never seeing me again, we spoke about it the next day as it was obvious there had been chemistry in the years we have known each other, well I never went home. Did not see my boyfriend of 3 years ever again.....

We have now been together 3.5 years and expecting our first baby.

The chemistry and lust became to love and desires of my whole life. After a failed marriage and two other long term relationships I knew it could go either way. Best decision of my life.

MissSmiley · 14/01/2021 16:03

@Conundrumdrum I'm 4 years post leaving my husband and in a relationship of about two years, we are madly in love, adore each other and know we want to be with each other forever, it's everything my marriage wasn't. Despite many hurdles we have plans to live together in about 18 months time. I dated a lot after I left my marriage and no one even came close to the guy I'm with now, don't settle for this current bloke, explore the possibilities. I much prefer being in a relationship to being single as I'm sure you do but don't get yourself stuck with MrOK when you could be with the love of your life, even if it turns out not to be MrChemistry

Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 16:06

I agree he’s using you. If he really liked you he wouldn’t have let anything stop him from seeing you. After all, surely he could have dated you without introducing you to the kids? It sounds like a crock of shit. And don’t forget, it’s lockdown and it he’s single he may be finding it hard to find women to have sex with.

Original poster

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 16:06

I think the sparks were from you. If they were from him and it was mutual no way he’d have binned you off. And he thinks you know it, hence why his hesitant message about not sure how you’d take it. He thinks you’ve realised he just binned you off becayse he wasn’t interested. Sadly for you you’ve maintained your crush and have not.

This is exactly my thinking. That's why I'm so conflicted. Because deep down I know it probably wouldn't work. But my OH is the second long-term relationship (the other being my ex husband of 17 years) where there are things that annoy me and that I wonder if they would not exist in a relationship (messy, too easy going, not ambitious, doesn't want to save for holidays, never makes his mind up about stuff until the last minute...). The rest of the relationship with OH is great. But is that enough? Is that normal? Is the above level of annoying stuff normal in your experience?

OP posts:

BumbleBiscuit · 14/01/2021 16:08

Head over heels love belongs in Disney. Not in real life. Real love is compassion, kindness and mutual respect

This!! You’re acting like a naive teenager @Conundrumdrum!!

Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 16:09

Oh, and I agree that your current dp probably isn’t for you either. Been with dh 20 years and sometimes I could throttle him, other times I think we’re deathly boring - but I would never even contemplate leaving him for someone else because I love him. It sounds like you’re fond of your dp but not “in love” with him.

Wanderlusto · 14/01/2021 16:09

Id say if you spend more than 1% of your time with your partner annoyed with him then no, it's not enough. Relationships are supposed to make life easier, not harder.

It sounds like the problem is not that theres this new guy on the scene or that you think there could be more from a relationship. Its just that you arent compatable enough.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/01/2021 16:11

Nah. I call bullshit on his explanation now and then. I think you need to figure out if you’re actually happy in your relationship or if this guy is turning your head a bit.

Plus getting with someone with children is a lot of hassle -especially with you as the female and of it actually goes somewhere. It seems step mums often seem to get taken for granted and like a dogs body

SpaceBlanket · 14/01/2021 16:11

Are you guys really saying that you are not madly in love with your long-term partners anymore? That in your experience, after a while that goes and it's 'just' the rest that remains?

No relationship can sustain the obsessiveness of the early days. Love is like a drug - you develop a tolerance. That's totally normal. DH and I had mad chemistry when we were dating and now 2 kids later we have a different kind of love, based on compatibility and familiarity. It's lovely and we have a great life.

Good men are hard to find, I wouldn't throw away yours on the small chance that this other guy might be better.

Original poster

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 16:13

@Robbybobtail

I had the same thought but I'm worried I may be expecting too much from a relationship.

OP posts:

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/01/2021 16:14

@Conundrumdrum oh yeah and they’re all annoying as are you! Everyone has their annoying points whether it’s messiness, lateness etc.

Mummabearofthree · 14/01/2021 16:16

If the first man felt the same connection he wouldn’t have ended things, he’d have just waited a decent amount of time before introducing his children.

Personally I wouldn’t give the first man the time
of day and I’d focus on my current relationship. Don’t throw everything away for a man that used his kids as an excuse last time, it’s been 2 years and he’s only recently reconnected with you which shows he isn’t in love with you as he wouldn’t have been able to wait 2 weeks if that was the case. I feel sorry for your current partner, you’ve been seeing him for 2 years yet you’re considering binning him off for another man.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 14/01/2021 16:16

@SpaceBlanket exactly this. It’s not sustainable. My fiancé and l have been through a lot of ups and downs in the last 5 years. The lust isn’t quite as strong but he’s very much the one for me. We would be married if it wasn’t for the pandemic

Mummabearofthree · 14/01/2021 16:18

Also may I ask, did you feel so unsure of your OH before this other man messaged you? If the answers no then don’t end this current relationship, if you have considered it for a while then maybe it’s best to end things but NOT for this other man.

Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 16:18

The way I look at it when I’m feeling fed up with my dh is “is my life better with or without him?” And undoubtedly I’m better with him for lots of reasons. It helps to remind myself that I’m certainly not perfect either. Also I think one of the main things for me is that I still fancy him, which helps! Do a list of pros and cons and see if that helps.

Original poster

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 16:24

@Mummabearofthree I was aware we are not living a Romeo & Juliet love story but I actually believe things may be developing (late maybe but I have begun to think it may be happening - only time will tell).

@Robbybobtail we do both still fancy each other very much and our sex life reflects that. We take care of the way we look and make an effort. And yes, I do think my life is better with him than without him but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason.

I am very, very confused, as you can all probably easily tell.

OP posts:

ZaphodBeeblerox · 14/01/2021 16:28

I don't know if my experience is even valid here - I've been with DH for 8ish years, which is long, but not decades obviously.

Sparks ebb and flow I think. We had warm friendliness at the start (but didn't sleep with each other for a few months), lots of spark and lust after the sex started.. and then things mellowed over the years with marriage, pregnancies, toddler etc. But we have spurts of sparks coming back - usually coinciding with periods when my kid is sleeping well, we have some solid childcare and work isn't crazy.. so I think when we have time to devote to each other we do lust for each other, but in the usual flow of things we tend to take each other a bit for granted I suppose. But also think that's an advantage of a long term relationship because you don't always have to be on first-date behaviour and be sparkly and charming..

It seems like you're hunting for excuses to cheat on your OH, which is rather sad. No one deserves to be someone you settle with - let him go and let him find someone who thinks he's the bees knees. And then you're free to date or not date anyone you like!

(But that said I think Guy #2 is just after another FWB scene and hence is getting in touch).

sassysuspenders · 14/01/2021 16:31

You want to have your cake and eat it too, is what Im getting from this

This past year has been a nightmare for everyone, but honestly just reply "thanks, no thanks" then block him. If you're really unhappy in your relationship - Leave. It's all you can do

1forAll74 · 14/01/2021 16:31

You have grown comfortable with your partner for two years, and settled into a normal relationship, but a bolt from the blue has now made you think about what you consider to be a more exciting love situation, as it was years ago. I dare say quite a lot of people have been in this predicament before, and who knows what they decided to do about it. Each person has to decide what they will do about it. Nobody else can tell you what to do.

Robbybobtail · 14/01/2021 16:34

@Robbybobtail we do both still fancy each other very much and our sex life reflects that. We take care of the way we look and make an effort. And yes, I do think my life is better with him than without him but I'm not sure that's a good enough reason.

Sounds like a pretty good relationship to me! Would you be questioning your relationship if the other guy hadn’t contacted you?

alwayslearning789 · 14/01/2021 16:34

How would you feel if someone asked you to leave your current OH so that HE could find someone who appreciates him just the way he is?

Genuinely Interested to hear your answer.

Original poster

Conundrumdrum · 14/01/2021 16:36

Let me re-iterate: I'm pretty sure my OH feels about me the way I feel about him. Neither of us is love struck. I think we are fairly equal in what we bring and take from our relationship. He's not declaring undying love to me when I'm not.

OP posts:

wifterwafter · 14/01/2021 16:36

Why don't you reply, asking how he is, what his situation is etc but don't give him any information about you. Then when he tells you explain your in a LTR but if your paths crossed in the future when you're both single who knows.

Don't throw away what you have for a fantasy. There's a lot to be said for steady and comfortable.

Sittingonabench · 14/01/2021 17:16

The problem is you’re still looking at other men as “potential partners”. I agree with others that the fire of relationships often fade over time but there are trade offs with knowing the person better and then knowing you and your boundaries. The core of any relationship is trust and respect. The little annoyances are the things that you would actually miss when they aren’t there. But if you’re looking then you aren’t in a secure relationship and best to set him free to find one and for you to find one. Tbh it sounds like you’re not ready to commit fully.

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