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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Crap in bed

101 replies

Crappysex · 13/01/2021 17:39

Hi basically I'm thinking I'm crap in bed
I lost my virginity late and the guy told me it was shit and got rid of me after a few shags
When my marriage was failing he told me the sex was crap when we were having fertility treatments, thanks mate.
I then had 2 one night stands and neither of them have ever got back to me so yeah I'm summising I'm shit in bed

OP posts:

Enough4me · 15/01/2021 01:07

Relationships end and the first line of attack is ...it's your fault, you were too...needy, crap in bed, frigid. Don't fall for any of that Bullsh*t. Keep an open mind, meet single men, have safe sex with the ones you like until you find one worthy of you.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 15/01/2021 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ravenmum · 15/01/2021 07:49

@thecatsarecrazy

How is a woman bad at sex? I can understand a man being bad .. doesn't try to pleasure a woman, but what does a woman do or not do to be bad at sex? Men have a happy ending usually don't they? I had a fwb for a while who cum very quick and never made me cum. I would consider that a crap shag.

If sex was just about having a "happy ending", I'd say most people would just do it on their own to save time ...

mylovelydd · 15/01/2021 07:57

Please don't take onboard the bullshit that your ex husband and vile ex boyfriend trotted out (ONS and by their very nature only one night). Sounds to me like they were projecting their insecurities onto you.

I would bet my house that with the right man, and the right chemistry you will be dynamite in bed.

And if any man in the future ever says anything as vile to you again after sex just tell them you can only work with the materials you have been given and as the quality of sex from them is so poor, you're reflecting that experience back to them

mylovelydd · 15/01/2021 07:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn as it quotes a deleted post.

Readingandrighting · 15/01/2021 08:02

Well OP seems to have disappeared. So many threads on MN where the OP just stops responding. Why start a thread if you’re you’re not going to stay on it!

Mabelface · 15/01/2021 08:44

Love, with the right person, even a quickie with no foreplay etc will be amazing. You've had crap sex with crap men. Don't give up!

InkieNecro · 15/01/2021 08:58

After I left my husband, I went on what was basically a spree but for sex. I'm not boasting, but I've been told by all of them that I'm good in bed and they all wanted to see me again.

As my ex used to tell me I was shit in bed, I asked them what they meant by that as I felt like they were lying to me. They all said something along the lines of I'm enthusiastic, don't just lay there and wait for them to tell me to move, actively participate and not lay perfectly still like a 'plank of wood', have my own ideas, clearly enjoy myself and also they all liked the gentle things afterwards like laying on their shoulder and stroking their arms/stomach/face etc, which is something I do without thinking as I just like touching.

Does that help a tiny bit? I would say your ons aren't meant to get back to you, your first times are generally not renowned for being good and your ex was trying to hurt you.

MathsRocksMathsRocks · 15/01/2021 11:24

I don’t believe anyone is universally good or bad in bed. It depends on so many things. Chemistry, confidence, how you’re feeling about yourself and the other person

Men find enthusiasm universally sexy

These two pp speak the truth OP! And also, the ones who are encouraging you to not give up finding the right man in bed for you. It is a partnership, good sex. And being able to communicate about sex is vital if it's ever going to be good for you both.

And men really, really don't see the lumps and bumps we beat ourselves up for having (especially when we're mums with tell-tale 'mum tums'!). A good man will want to please you, so if you know what works for you, tell him. If he's a decent lover he will do his best to please you in that way. And gradually you work together to find what works for you both in lots of different sexual ways.

I've had bad sex (haven't most of us? apart from a lucky few!) but the good sex I get now is like night and day. And I wasn't experienced - I'd never even experienced a man going down on me until I was nearly 40 (then-DP didn't do it (thought it was 'disgusting' to get close to a woman 'down there' but I was sure it was what I needed to orgasm, as PIV does nothing for me in that respect). But what an eye-opener (in more than one way!) that first time current DP told me my bodily aroma and taste was amazing, and that he 'loves it down there - could stay down there all day!' (and he probably means it!).

That's just one example of what a non-crap-in-bed man will do for you to make you feel good. There will be countless other things with the right man. Don't give up, OP. You're still young (yes you are!) and you'll know when you hit the jackpot, that it was never you in the past, but very much 'them' who were crap.

ravenmum · 15/01/2021 11:27

Who cares if users are trolls if their question ends up in a civilised and potentially interesting discussion? 🤷

Some people also post when pissed or miserable, then lose their thread or abandon it out of embarrassment.

Original poster

Crappysex · 15/01/2021 20:57

I haven't disappeared thank you. I work and have a child so am not on here all the time. Maybe instead of goading me ask mumsnet if I'm a troll and they can assure you I'm not. Many thanks

OP posts:

BettyAndVeronica · 15/01/2021 21:15

You just haven't met the right person to really want it and enjoy it. Pass the time by practicing solo!

They said what they said but what they probably meant was 'even I know I did a crap job there and she didn't much enjoy it, so I'll pass the blame on'.

Don't think about it and don't let their words get in to your head.

Lex345 · 15/01/2021 21:29

Just because you have had bad sex doesn't mean you are bad at sex OP. Every single person has bad sex at some point and you do sound like you have had a run of bad luck with inconsiderate partners. I have had some terrible sex in the past and I am fairly sure the other person's assessment of me would be the same. I think it takes time with a partner to have truly great sex and even then, it tends to settle at good most of the time, great some of the time, amazing occasionally-and sometimes it is still bad, for whatever reason.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself, it isn't a performance-learn about what your partner likes, share what you like.
Also, as I am 36, I am ancient

Readingandrighting · 16/01/2021 11:08

I think it takes time with a partner to have truly great sex and even then, it tends to settle at good most of the time, great some of the time, amazing occasionally-and sometimes it is still bad, for whatever reason

I agree

Divebar · 16/01/2021 11:40

How is a woman bad at sex? I can understand a man being bad .. doesn't try to pleasure a woman, but what does a woman do or not do to be bad at sex?

Of course a woman can be crap in bed - if you think the man climaxing is the only evidence required for their enjoyment then you’re mistaken. Women who are unenthusiastic or who lie there waiting to be serviced would be pretty crap imo. I would also think receiving oral but not giving, lack of engagement in at least a couple of different positions, trying to get them to finish quickly so you can get it over with quickly, no kissing, no eroticism etc etc. Essentially a lack of effort would qualify it as crap to me. Of course this is the same for men as for women. Chemistry and connection help elevate sex. Trusting your partner and feeling safe to experiment take it from average to amazing.

Sakurami · 16/01/2021 11:49

It's not you, it's them.

My first relationship we were both very inexperienced and I was quite shy but still no complaints and we enjoyed sex. My next proper boyfriend gently coaxed me and was wilder than me and I learnt a lot. Each relationship I've become more and more confident and even though now I'm technically a lot better and more confident (and been told how great I am), my exes all slept with me any chance they got.

In summary, it isn't you, it's the men you pick.

Be very choosy about who you date, have confidence in yourself and enjoy having sex.

quiop · 16/01/2021 12:05

Hi OP, I haven't had a chance to read all the PPs messages but I have read all yours. Sorry you've had some shitty responses.

Personally I have found that sex has got better as I have got older so at 34 you still have some years of great sex ahead.

Sounds to me like you need to book a holiday for the summer on one of these singles packages. Where loads of people are basically looking for sex with other singles. Some women go hoping to create a relationship but I reckon you should go with the idea of shagging as many as possible and getting a bit of an idea of what you like! Certainly a lot of the blokes will be going along with that in mind. Get exDH to have DD for the week. Book it now and get something to look forward to and get a vibratory in the meantime!

I wish I'd had more one night stands when I was younger! Do it whilst you can!

Hailtomyteeth · 16/01/2021 12:06

I wish I'd had more one night stands when I was younger!

I've heard a few people say this. Perhaps it's the advice we should give our daughters and granddaughters!

quiop · 16/01/2021 12:12

@Hailtomyteeth

I wish I'd had more one night stands when I was younger!

I've heard a few people say this. Perhaps it's the advice we should give our daughters and granddaughters!

I agree! I was so hung up on finding 'the one'. The few one night stands I had were a few nights of abandon where I was drunk enough to let my inhibitions downs. I think i saw DH as a potential distraction as I was actually into someone else when I met him but He was quite alpha and I basically went along with it for the sex. You're more likely to find someone if they don't pick up that you are desperate to make a relationship.

PontiacFirebird · 16/01/2021 12:28

@Readingandrighting

Well OP seems to have disappeared. So many threads on MN where the OP just stops responding. Why start a thread if you’re you’re not going to stay on it!

The only people I have ever met who think a woman is biologically too old to have a child at 34 are very clueless men. Funny that.

Readingandrighting · 16/01/2021 12:38

I think one night stands are the worst for your confidence: no time to get to know what the other person likes & pressure to perform. That’s just me maybe though? My sexual confidence needs to come back after a few bad experiences !

elwoodblues · 16/01/2021 13:43

@thecatsarecrazy

Exactly the same way that men can be bad at sex: "doesn't try to pleasure a woman" - that works both ways. Both partners should be trying to pleasure each other.

Only ways I can think of for someone to bad in bed are lack of interest/enthusiasm (eg just lying there and telling partner to get on with it), or not attempting to give pleasure.

Actually, another way is by being too rough, especially early on in proceedings. I had one partner who used to behave like a porn star, often went straight up to 100 miles an hour right from the start. Even the foreplay was bordering on painful.

As for the OP, could be anything or nothing really. Sounds more like a lack of confidence, made worse by some nasty ex's. The only reason for telling someone they're rubbish in bed is to try and hurt them. If there was really an issue, a bit of constructive criticism isn't difficult - "try this, or I'd like it if we did that".

I've never had a one night stand, but I can't imagine they'd help either. For me, sex always seems to get better as you get to know and understand each other physically. You can't get that from a ONS, they're more just for a quick bit of gratification.

Lurcherloves · 17/01/2021 20:02

OP it also depends on who you are with and how they make you feel. Some people will make you feel less inhibited and confident

Lurcherloves · 17/01/2021 20:02

*more confident

Original poster

Crappysex · 17/01/2021 20:07

Thanks for the normal responses. I find one night stands a bit cringe but that's just me. when I was younger I wanted to find the one but now I think that's a lot of crap!

OP posts:

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