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Original poster

Sex workers or an emotional affair , what would you prefer ?

51 replies

Teresa85 · 12/01/2021 20:50

Stupid question I know and probably not really want I’m asking , I understand everyone has different boundaries and views on affairs / prostitution etc
I just want to discuss unfaithfulness with others as right now I don’t know what to do , I don’t feel
Ready to leave because I have a 4 small children one is just a baby and with covid situation I’m
Currently furloughed from work and the future of my job could be uncertain

Basically I’ve discovered the father of my 4 children and partner of 15 years has been sending ‘enquires’ to prostittues and making 1 minute phone calls to them on some occasional weekends, I’m obviously heartbroken , he keeps telling me it’s not about me how much he loves me , he’s cried , begged , telling me it’s something he wouldn’t go through with ? I’ve read through similar posts on here and seems many men say they don’t intend to go through with it then later found out they have so obviously that’s a concern to me too , if I could prove he actually slept with own i would move back to my parents with the kids tomorrow.
We’ve been together since teenagers , I can’t understand his behaviour it’s not like him at all he’s not someone you think would do this , he’s not sleezy , he’s attractive , has a good job , works. Hard etc. I have noticed he’s Been drinking more than usual but by no means a worrying amount and I just assumed it’s boredom been locked down and all his hobbies etc have stopped. I asked him why he said he doesn’t know but that he wouldn’t go through with it and was virtual to him, said he sometimes watched porn after ? (We’ve not had a lot of Sex due to pregnancy , new baby etc) and I won’t have an issue with porn. He said maybe sometimes boredom, or to see if he could ?!
What do you all think ?
Would love a mans opinion too
I keep thinking would I prefer if I’d found messages to some other woman he actually knows , then maybe I could say he didn’t intend on this escalating it just happened but with Sex workers it’s like he’s just gone and seeked it straight out ...

OP posts:
Original poster
Teresa85 · 12/01/2021 20:51

Wow that was longer than Intended sorry x

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 12/01/2021 20:55

A cheat is a cheat regardless of a prostitute or someone else. Of course he's going to say I'd never do it. He doesn't want his life turned upside down. The intention was there regardless of what happened

EmmeG · 12/01/2021 21:12

If he’s rang them, i think he’s also visited them.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/01/2021 21:14

I’d much rather an affair with a real person- the seediness of contacting a sex worker I could never get past.

Baileysoncereal · 12/01/2021 21:14

I would be really hurt and it’s the uncertainty of not knowing he’s gone through with it

I would want to know why he’s doing it, what he’s getting out of it, when it started, where he sees it going, how he’d feel if it was the other way round, how much of your combined income has he spent on it
And why is he going to stop now? Because he knows it’s wrong? Or because he got caught? Why didn’t he know it was wrong before? I don’t know what will be different going forward. So you’ll need to address that

Has he got form for this sort of thing? Is he a ‘perfect’ DH in every other way

Then I suppose I would make my decision, if I could live with it or not

Everyone’s got different boundaries, some people I suppose would see this as a minor step up from porn, - someone who isn’t interested in him, isn’t going to start a relationship with him, and from the sounds of it hasn’t even seen him in person - others would see it as involving someone else in your marriage and a complete betrayal and cheating.

I think you’d be fair enough which ever side of the coin you’re on

Baileysoncereal · 12/01/2021 21:15

I’m not sure calling them means he’s gone through with it
He may be using it as a sexline?

Also we’re in lockdown, is he going out much by himself?

IdblowJonSnow · 12/01/2021 21:19

Neither would be acceptable to me.

I can understand why you dont want to split up right now but I'd be getting my ducks in a row.

Basically you'll never know will you so how can you trust him now? All people, well most, lie or minimise when caught out. Buggar his tears, what do you want OP?

Skyla2005 · 12/01/2021 21:24

Really sorry this must be so horrific for you. None of us will know his intentions or what he has already done. Only he knows that. He is going to have to be a man and be honest about what’s happened That said I personally wouldn’t believe that he wouldn’t do it because his thought about it enough to actually seek out the number and then ring it. All you can do is ask for the truth and if he won’t tell you all then I would take all 4 and go to your mums to give him some time to think about the seriousness of the situation !! I would also have a sti screen just to be on the safe side. So sorry

AmywithanL · 12/01/2021 21:27

I would be hurt yes. BUT you need to look at the bigger picture, the sort of man he is. You say he isnt ‘like that’ hes attractive, good job wife and kids.
The rubbish year we have had and hes had to give up alot of hobbies.
Your pregnancy and birth, this could put a holt to things.
Drinking could be out of boredom. And so could what he has done.
I might get slated but honestly if you feel hand on heart that this is completely out of the blue and there in NO other signs or red flags that makes you thing ‘hang on a minute’ then I suggest you have a chat with him, tell him your upset and listen to what he has to say. Go with your gut, if you believe him fine if not then you need to re think what you want to do.

As for an emotional affair, for me thats far worse and I would show him the door because I would never trust him. An emotional affair consists of 2 people connecting with each other in a way a couple should. Real feelings are involved with a ‘real person’

Prostitutes are just for sex, nothing else.

Somethingkindaoooo · 12/01/2021 21:33

There is literally no excuse for that awful behaviour.
Stop trying to find one, and don't let him convince you there is a 'reason '.

There isnt- he's just gross

IBEX7 · 12/01/2021 21:44

Men who cry when they have been caught going behind their partners back, make me want to puke!

MrsVogon · 12/01/2021 21:56

No to both. You are saying if you had proof you would move to your parents...well I can bet over the years he will have crossed that kind. I'd be kicking him out now.

OMGISeeTheWayYouShine · 12/01/2021 22:45

I'd be kicking him out, personally.

IronNeonClasp · 12/01/2021 23:23

Get shot of him, he made a conscious decision if he has or hasn't. Despicable and sleazy. Gross actually I'm amazed you can even tolerate speaking to him.

Love51 · 12/01/2021 23:30

@AmywithanL I take the opposite stance to you.
An emotional affairs means that he still sees women as people. Using a prostitute suggests that he has dehumanised them somehow.
Neither are acceptable in my marriage but I'm civil with people I know have had affairs. I couldn't be with people who buy consent.
Women who engage in prostitution are real women, and it serves a distorted world view to deny this.

PickAChew · 12/01/2021 23:32

I wouldn't be at all happy with either but would be more upset with him using sex workers because that suggests that he merely regards women as staff.

TopBants · 12/01/2021 23:36

I'd rather the emotional affair. If he could put it to bed and not see her again, I might even be able to forgive it in time. It'd be more understandable- he's spent time with someone, maybe at work, feelings developed etc. Didn't mean for it to happen but one thing led to another.

With a prostitute, he's literally gone looking for women with the intention of being unfaithful. It shows zero respect for your relationship or you and zero intention of remaining faithful. In my opinion, it's orders of magnitude worse than an emotional affair.

NoFeedyDaMuppet · 12/01/2021 23:44

Nope.

Casmama · 12/01/2021 23:48

Initially I came on to say the same as others about preferring an emotional affair as I couldn't get over my partner buying the consent and using the body of a woman.
However, from what I have read - rather than assumed- your husband has made co tact with prostitutes and made very short phone calls to them. This could easily be sexual fantasy territory and he has never gone any further than this. If your sex life has tanked - for understandable reasons- and he has had limited sexual experience other than with you then I could start to infest and this behaviour.

It is entirely your decision how you move forward but it seems to me that it is crucial to understand how far he has taken this before you make decisions about your future and you won't find that out from others speculation in the internet.

Catsup · 12/01/2021 23:57

To be honest I'd be more concerned with how 'boredom due to covid restrictions' could then lead to my partner assuming it's acceptable to seek out extra sex stimulation to wank off to? Unless his pre lockdown hobby included hiding in bushes at parks whilst masturbating, or exposing himself in public. Then I'd guess it's not on a par with general missing out on the gym, cycling, or golf for now? Of course he cried and proclaimed it was all him not you! 🙄 Because it is exactly all him and fuck all to do with you. But by doing that he gets to bounce the emotional ball back into your court to try and palm it back off as being partly your problem not purely his alone. Only you alone can choose what you want to do, but don't let him fuck with your head in the process.

Guineapigbridge · 13/01/2021 00:01

I'm with AmywithanL on this. Give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. It's been a very unusual year and there are 4 children involved who need their dad. Forgiveness and understanding, and a very stern shot across his bow that if it happens again, he's out.

MadameTuffington · 13/01/2021 00:03

Obvs the sex worker liaison is preferable - shows they’re after a bit of a risk, thrill etc - an emotional affair suggests something more deep seated and serious.

Neither is the best option of course ... 🤩

Emmelina · 13/01/2021 00:06

Neither would be acceptable, but an emotional affair would be worse in my opinion as it involves a connection and feelings. A sex worker is technically a business transaction, albeit a seedy one, and she’s unlikely to persue him if he doesn’t return.

HJ372 · 13/01/2021 00:09

The short phone calls are to confirm a time or to say "I'll be at the door in 5 mins". He's probably seen lots of them more than once. I'd be worried about hpv.

Changechangychange · 13/01/2021 00:10

I couldn’t stay with a man who supported the trafficking of women and girls, any more than I could stay with somebody who employed slave labour in their business. Vile.

He’d be gone, and that is a really hard red line for me. He obviously has no respect for women aside from a hole to fuck, and doesn’t really see them as people. I would never be able to look at him the same way again, and there wouldn’t be any way back for me.