Sex workers or an emotional affair , what would you prefer ?

[Teresa85]

Stupid question I know and probably not really want I’m asking , I understand everyone has different boundaries and views on affairs / prostitution etc
I just want to discuss unfaithfulness with others as right now I don’t know what to do , I don’t feel
Ready to leave because I have a 4 small children one is just a baby and with covid situation I’m
Currently furloughed from work and the future of my job could be uncertain

Basically I’ve discovered the father of my 4 children and partner of 15 years has been sending ‘enquires’ to prostittues and making 1 minute phone calls to them on some occasional weekends, I’m obviously heartbroken , he keeps telling me it’s not about me how much he loves me , he’s cried , begged , telling me it’s something he wouldn’t go through with ? I’ve read through similar posts on here and seems many men say they don’t intend to go through with it then later found out they have so obviously that’s a concern to me too , if I could prove he actually slept with own i would move back to my parents with the kids tomorrow.
We’ve been together since teenagers , I can’t understand his behaviour it’s not like him at all he’s not someone you think would do this , he’s not sleezy , he’s attractive , has a good job , works. Hard etc. I have noticed he’s Been drinking more than usual but by no means a worrying amount and I just assumed it’s boredom been locked down and all his hobbies etc have stopped. I asked him why he said he doesn’t know but that he wouldn’t go through with it and was virtual to him, said he sometimes watched porn after ? (We’ve not had a lot of Sex due to pregnancy , new baby etc) and I won’t have an issue with porn. He said maybe sometimes boredom, or to see if he could ?!
What do you all think ?
Would love a mans opinion too
I keep thinking would I prefer if I’d found messages to some other woman he actually knows , then maybe I could say he didn’t intend on this escalating it just happened but with Sex workers it’s like he’s just gone and seeked it straight out ...

An old bloke's view on this. I think usually when men say they have spoken with sex workers the chances are they will have visited them...and I'd doubt anyone who said they'd only talked on the phone. I have good friends (now quite elderly like me ) who were once "working girls", as I spent a few years in my 80's youth as a rent collector for one of the housing associations around Argyll Sq near Kings Cross. The outwardly content happily married man ,usually with young children) was always their bread and butter. Also sex workers do NOT waste time chatting on the phone with curious enquiries (self-preservation gives them a spider sense for "timewasters and nutters". The call to make a booking usually lasts about a minute..a postcode and call me when you're in the area..

The maths is simple there are about 75000 sex workers in the UK seeing an average of 25 clients a week. Most clients punt once a every couple of months...so I make that around 15 million men are clients in any 2 month period. That's a pretty staggering figure to those who know little of the industry. I'm sorry to say that the odds of your husband professing that he was only curious are low.

As to which is 'worse', an affair or 30 minutes with a stranger, I am in no position to say due to my gender and my single status. Both are incredibly hurtful and damaging to a relationship.

The population of the uk is just over 67 million are you really implying that almost a quarter of the entire population- male and female and age 0 to >100 years old are visiting prostitutes every two months . Sorry but that is utter bollocks @manofgreengables and would make me seriously doubt the validity of anything else you say.

I assume the one minute phone calls consisted of ‘I’m here’ or ‘meet me here’. Don’t listen to him when he says he wouldn’t go through with it, why would he admit such a vile thing? cheating is bad enough without it being with prostitutes. Get
Rid

Take your beautiful children and go home to your parents till you’ve had time to think, or ask him to move out. I have a similar sized family and can appreciate the situation you are in. I’m so sorry, you deserve so much better.

@casmama. I don't know how accurate those figures are really. I used the ones from the House of Commons Home Affairs Committee report 2016 for the number of sex workers and the average number of clients, then applied what I think I know about men (admittedly anecdotal). Even if the figure is half that number it's still a huge number of men paying women for sex. Other statistics you see quoted more commonly go like "one in 4 men have paid for sex at some point in the last year." Nobody really knows exact numbers but as I said sex work is definitely a big industry.

Having recentlyish discovering my OH had an affair which went on for a few months, I personally would have dealt with it better if she had been a sex worker. That is just purely sex, even though just as devastating, but an affair involves so much more emotionally, so much more lying and cheating, saying things to her no husband should be saying to another woman etc. But at the end of the day cheating is cheating, it shows a total lack of respect for the partner either way, so depends on your personal perspective. Sorry you're going through this x

I found out many years ago that a male (ex because of this) friend regularly used prostitutes.
From what I recall of his horrible revelations, a very quick, business like call to a number you already know, would be to make an arrangement.

Also don’t just think a meeting with a prostitute is just sex , many men strike up emotional relationships with these girls & ‘ fall in love with them’ I’m sure manofgreengables will agree with me there.

He is a sleaze.

I understand why you need to stay with him but I could never get over a man considering paying for sex.

I couldn't condone paying someone for sex. I couldn't bear the idea that they see women as a transaction. Also, given all we know about women being pimped, trafficked or addicted, how could anyone decent take that risk that the women they are having sex with for money are doing it willingly. Ugh.

It wouldn't matter which it was: the deception in either instance would indicate that I could not trust anything they said anymore and that would mean that if we stayed together I would be constantly second-guessing and wondering whether he was up to something again. That is soul destroying and robs you of peace of mind which with 4 young children to look after makes for a very hard and lonely road ahead.

Why does it matter what a stranger or anyone else thinks or would do? You said if you had proof he had slept with someone you would leave and go stay at your parents, I think you have your answer there. Seems like you are willing to overlook this and I’m sorry to say but I doubt you would leave him if he had cheated, you sound taken in by him and dependent.

Your choices are- suck it up and stay knowing he will do it again, just a matter of time.

Bide your time/get your ducks in a row then leave.

It’s your life /decision and you know what you are willing to tolerate in your relationship. please don’t let others influence

Seeing prostitues is 10x worse than an emotional affair. It tells you he doesn't see women as people, he thinks it's perfectly acceptable to rape an enslaved trafficked teenager so he can get his orgasm and it's all fine because he gives money to the people who enslave her. I wouldn't want him near my children, it fundamentally changes your view of him and his relationship with women, all women. The prostitutes are for sex, you are for housework and childcare. You are not a person in his eyes.

An emotional affair is heartbreaking and may well lead to the end of a marriage but means he hasn't forced himself on anyone.

I hope you're not having unprotected sex with him any more. I'd go get an Sti if possible and insist he gets one.

If you're not ready to leave for practical reasons, fair enough, but protect your sexual health.

If he's gone as far as phoning them, he's very likely to have followed through.

I'd be worried about hpv

Why just hpv. op has probably already had it. As have most sexually active people.

OP just leave, if you cant then stop all sex and get some kind of plan in place.

I have sent you a private message x

Either situation would likely end my relationship- in both case my partner would have violated the boundaries of our relationship and what we consider fidelity.

However like other posters, I would be much more negative about a man who paid for sex work - their views on women, the potential for these women to be vulnerable and exploited, the patheticness of convincing themselves shes into it.

If he is genuinely just calling sex workers, he is also being really disrespectful of them and wasting their (assuming they do not offer phone sex work)

Two steps you could take are: 1) to look if the phone calls correspond with lots of cash being taken out of his bank 2) to get a sexual health check up

*wasting their time

@Googlebrained

I couldn't condone paying someone for sex. I couldn't bear the idea that they see women as a transaction. Also, given all we know about women being pimped, trafficked or addicted, how could anyone decent take that risk that the women they are having sex with for money are doing it willingly. Ugh.

All of this. Emotional affair is awful and I would end the relationship. Engaging with sex workers is another level of awful because it shows what he really thinks of women - men who see women as a commodity and help support the sex trade are misogynists. It shows their true character. I would end it and thank my lucky stars I escaped being with a man who sees women as a commodity.

Op you are in the bargaining phase but where do your boundaries start and stop?
My ExH had form for this and used sites such as punters net to get tips how to gaslight partners with excuses and reasons. It does sound like your H is following a script?
My ex claimed to make phone calls for a thrill to sex workers, but do you really believe that nothing has happened?
After a lot of snooping my ex pulled out cash 10 minutes after the phone calls. On having to go to a passport office 100 miles away on his own also made calls to local sex workers there.
If it is a fantasy why not call girls 100's of mile from where you live?
Oh and he gave me genital herpes.
It was the gaslighting that was the worse. He made me so ill with his lies I had a serious breakdown.
I was a cover for his real lifestyle nothing more.
I am happily remarried now but I shudder when I look back.
I know its hard with children but what you tolerate persists.
Stay somewhere else away from him even if it for a while so you can demonstrate its unacceptable.
When I did finally leave, upon packing my stuff I found 3 punting mobiles of his too. After I kicked him out the first time he promised to not make 'calls' again. He didnt he just used different phones. Men like this are a waste if space. Dont become like me checking snooping and investigating, it will drive you crazy.

Member452745 Some men do become emotionally attached ("fluffies"), a few become fixated stalkers, many men seldom visit the same sex worker twice.

I think, other than getting out of the business altogether, the ideal for independent sex workers i.e. those who aren't trafficked or controlled by a pimp, is to have a stable of regular clients who are polite, pay without haggling and don't bring flowers or chocolates when they visit.

Sex workers, like most of us, see their work as a way of putting food on the table and paying their way in life. It's never a first choice career but one come to through immediate necessity. There are relatively few full time sex workers...it's often a part-time way to supplement poor pay or benefits. Believe it or not most have kids and many are carers or are married themselves! They are expert compartmentalisers and multi-taskers.
Also like the rest of us they have a romantic streak and a moral compass...there is no way that they would fall in love with a cheating married man...or emotionally cheat on their own partners.

I'd dunno for either obviously but a man who uses sex workers is a vile misogynist. It's the lowest of the low.

*I'd dump for either

I’d dump him for this as well
So disrespectful

Neither but I couldn't knowingly stay with anyone who had used prostitutes now or in the last. The mentality of someone who thinks it is ok to pay for sex or who knows what many of these women could be going through is vile.