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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Did he really make the call?

73 replies

Jj2431 · 12/01/2021 19:21

Me and my husband agreed after the birth of our last child last summer that he would get a vasectomy. He called the gp in November after I asked him why he hadn't called to talk to them about it yet. He got very defensive at that time but called them the same day out of earshot. He showed me he had called them but he's heard nothing about it since. After two months I'm starting to wonder if he even called about that? I've asked him and he gets insulted and says of course. They apparently said they would refer him and send information in a leaflet to him. No leaflet came and he's heard nothing. Is this normal? Could covid have pushed it back? I want to ask him again but don't want to nag. Every so often he will say he's going to find out what's taking so long but never does and always says he forgets. The pill isn't suiting me and I don't want to be the only one taking this seriously after we both agreed he should have the snip. We haven't had sex since baby has been born and altogether it's been a full year since we had intercourse. He won't even buy condoms and keeps saying he will and doesn't. I feel very unwanted. He isn't cheating either because he's at home all day working from home. What would you do?

OP posts:
Hopeful16 · 12/01/2021 19:26

During the pandemic my husband couldn't have his skin cancer removed but was able to have a vasectomy! That was in June!

DeciduousPerennial · 12/01/2021 19:47

Ring the GP yourself and ask them what’s happening with vasectomies in your area at the moment?

cosmicbabe · 12/01/2021 20:09

How old is he? Perhaps he feels pushed into it. It's not something a lot of men would enjoy to have done and I think it's their choice not yours. You sound quite pushy over this...

lonelySam · 12/01/2021 20:18

I think you have a bigger problem than a vasectomy tbh if you haven't had sex for a year...

User0ne · 12/01/2021 20:20

I'd come off the pill and if you don't want to conceive stop having sex with him. It sounds like he'll only take responsibility if it's forced onto him.

I'm due dc3 in march (not planned but we're happy about it). We had dc1 and 2 close together and I don't want a repeat of that. I don't get on with hormonal contraception and have had 2 coils (1 was fab, the other horrendous so not doing that again).

My DH knows that we either run the risk after dc3 (making an effort to avoid fertile days and no pressure from DH when it's risky) or he gets the snip or there's no hanky panky.

gamerchick · 12/01/2021 20:22

If you're not having sex then come off the pill for starters. What's the point?

Tell him you have and it's condoms from now on. Hopefully it might open a line of discussion about your intimate life.

Eckhart · 12/01/2021 20:23

Tell him you're not taking the pill any more for a start. He's agreed to have a vasectomy and isn't interested in sex. You're currently mitigating for a circumstance that doesn't exist, to your own detriment.

Can't you phone the GP? Not for your husband specifically, but to ask how long waiting lists are for vasectomies?

wetasstenalady · 12/01/2021 20:25

@cosmicbabe

How old is he? Perhaps he feels pushed into it. It's not something a lot of men would enjoy to have done and I think it's their choice not yours. You sound quite pushy over this...
Yes just like when she had to push their baby out! Why shouldn't we expect men who don't want anymore children to take some responsibility to stop it happening I mean really Hmm
category12 · 12/01/2021 20:30

OP says they agreed - it's not pushy to expect him to follow through on something they've agreed.

EloraaDanan · 12/01/2021 20:31

My husbands appointment was cancelled in December and he’s not heard back from them yet to rebook. He phoned to chase and they said they’re still waiting for the go ahead to be able to open the clinic. So it’s plausible.

If we don’t have condoms, we don’t have sex. I went through hell on Earth to have our children and I’m not fucking my body up more with contraceptives. As far I’m concerned, he can take the responsibility for all that now, I’ve done enough.

cosmicbabe · 12/01/2021 20:39

@category12

OP says they agreed - it's not pushy to expect him to follow through on something they've agreed.
He may have agreed in principle but doesn't seem from OPs post he's that willing...
cosmicbabe · 12/01/2021 20:40

@gamerchick

If you're not having sex then come off the pill for starters. What's the point?

Tell him you have and it's condoms from now on. Hopefully it might open a line of discussion about your intimate life.

This
Jemma2907 · 12/01/2021 20:41

My husband spoke to the GP and asked for a vasectomy (I can guarantee he wants one and I am 100% sure that he asked for one). That was July 2019!!! Apparently he is still on the waiting list!! - he calls every few months!

Jj2431 · 12/01/2021 21:02

Thanks everyone. My post did sound like I'm still on the pill. I'm not but he hasn't bothered to get condoms like he keeps saying he will and hasn't chased the dr. We have been intimate lots but not gone the full way in over a year. I was poorly a lot in pregnancy and didn't feel like it but not sure why he won't now we are 5 months post partum.

OP posts:
Chocomel · 12/01/2021 21:05

Can you pick up some condoms next time you're at the supermarket? Or is he not buying them because he won't wear them?

category12 · 12/01/2021 21:48

When you say you're intimate lots, is it mainly him getting attention? If so, maybe you should slack off a bit.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 12/01/2021 22:07

Is it that he wants more children, has he definitely got to the point where he knows he doesn't want anymore. Has that been made clear by him, or is it that he just doesnt want the procedure. I'm not saying you should have more because he does or take the pill because he doesn't want it but I'm saying as women do men also have the right to choose what they do with their body's.

On the same note i would be concerned why he knows without condoms he doesn't get sex but still hasn't bought them. There's definitely more going on here and I think that needs to be broached.

Rainbowsoup · 12/01/2021 22:09

Maybe he doesn’t want to have one and felt pressured by you to agree?

OhTheTastyNuts · 12/01/2021 22:21

Maybe he has changed his mind but is worried about telling you? Would you be upset if he has?

DH doesn't want a vasectomy and I don't want to go on the pill so we use condoms. Neither of us need to make a special effort to buy them...they just get added to the supermarket delivery when we run out. SKYN ones are good.

3rdNamechange · 12/01/2021 23:13

Do they do vasectomies on the NHS ?

category12 · 12/01/2021 23:14

Yes

3rdNamechange · 12/01/2021 23:15

@3rdNamechange

Do they do vasectomies on the NHS ?
The NHS is quite busy at the moment 🤔
noblegreenk · 12/01/2021 23:25

It shouldn't take that long. My husband went to GP to ask for a vasectomy the week before the first lockdown in March. He had the surgery in April.

MrsBobDylan · 12/01/2021 23:33

I never understand why more couples don't use condoms? The pill never suited me and throughout the most fertile 20 years of my life I used condoms with no accidental pregnancies (and I did fall pregnant easily when I didn't use a condom because we were ttc).

Just buy some condoms and crack on if you want to have sex sans accidental pregnancies.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 12/01/2021 23:40

It sounds like he doesn’t want one. Buy condoms