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Original poster

Did he really make the call?

73 replies

Jj2431 · 12/01/2021 19:21

Me and my husband agreed after the birth of our last child last summer that he would get a vasectomy. He called the gp in November after I asked him why he hadn't called to talk to them about it yet. He got very defensive at that time but called them the same day out of earshot. He showed me he had called them but he's heard nothing about it since. After two months I'm starting to wonder if he even called about that? I've asked him and he gets insulted and says of course. They apparently said they would refer him and send information in a leaflet to him. No leaflet came and he's heard nothing. Is this normal? Could covid have pushed it back? I want to ask him again but don't want to nag. Every so often he will say he's going to find out what's taking so long but never does and always says he forgets. The pill isn't suiting me and I don't want to be the only one taking this seriously after we both agreed he should have the snip. We haven't had sex since baby has been born and altogether it's been a full year since we had intercourse. He won't even buy condoms and keeps saying he will and doesn't. I feel very unwanted. He isn't cheating either because he's at home all day working from home. What would you do?

OP posts:
Baileysoncereal · 12/01/2021 23:43

You’ve not had sex for a year

He won’t buy or wear condoms

He doesn’t want the vasectomy that you want him to have

You’ve got bigger problems than wether he did or didn’t call the doctor.

Chel098 · 12/01/2021 23:46

How old are you both OP? How many children do you have?

Sweettea1 · 13/01/2021 00:02

During a pandemic am sure vasectomy is at the bottom of list. People can't even get their live saving treatment. Use condoms or don't have sex simple.

Mrsmummy90 · 13/01/2021 00:08

The vasectomy may be due to covid but you could always ring up the surgery and say you're calling on behalf of your husband.
Tell him he has one week to sort it or you will.

As for condoms, why are you waiting for him to buy them? You could order them on Amazon

Mrsmummy90 · 13/01/2021 00:10

@MrsBobDylan

I never understand why more couples don't use condoms? The pill never suited me and throughout the most fertile 20 years of my life I used condoms with no accidental pregnancies (and I did fall pregnant easily when I didn't use a condom because we were ttc).

Just buy some condoms and crack on if you want to have sex sans accidental pregnancies.

My thoughts exactly! I used condoms for years without problems as hormonal contraceptives don't suit me and like you, I fell pregnant easily when we started ttc
manofgreengables · 13/01/2021 00:37

Buy condoms and tell him you're not on the pill. That will push him into revealing
a) whether he is refusing to take responsibility for contraception. b)whether he desires more kids but wont tell you
c) whether he has lost his desire for sex.
d) The most likely he is fearful of a vasectomy...many men are; believing that they will be somehow less manly... we can be squeamish re balls. I know my brother was horrified when my ex and I decided I get snipped after 2 kids, saying he could never get it done despite me saying how convenient, effective and relatively painless it was (I rode home on a motorbike after the op so it couldn't have been that bad!)

NiceandCalm · 13/01/2021 01:38

I'd definitely stop being intimate with him if it means he gets a happy ending. Sounds like he's got lazy. Make him work for it by buying condoms so you can be fully intimate. I get that the NHS wont be doing 'routine' medical procedures during Covid but as others have said, a quick call will confirm that.

Chel098 · 13/01/2021 07:01

@Baileysoncereal

You’ve not had sex for a year

He won’t buy or wear condoms

He doesn’t want the vasectomy that you want him to have

You’ve got bigger problems than wether he did or didn’t call the doctor.

This!
Original poster
Jj2431 · 13/01/2021 17:43

I think I'm going to either bring it up with him again later or wait until he makes a move and discuss it with him then and explain how I feel. Thing is, I know what will happen. He will either say he will chase it or that he will get condoms and then won't and say he's working in the day so can't. Poor excuse or he will start kicking off and getting defensive and it will end in an argument with me being upset most likely

OP posts:
Original poster
Jj2431 · 13/01/2021 19:15

So just spoke with him and it went how I expected. He said he still wants the vasectomy but hasn't had time. I told him it was BS and asked him to honestly tell me if he had changed his mind or was scared but he said it wasn't any of that. I then asked him about the condoms and he said he looked once but they didn't have the ones he wanted and he hadn't got around to it since. I said if you really want it you make time. He said he would prove to me he does want it. He said he will call the dr tomorrow. We will see. He also said he would get condoms when he can. Not holding my breath. I told him I was getting bored in a sexless marriage and that it's up to him but I can't live like this forever. He's now sulking because I've dared to say how I feel. The way it always goes. Clearly not bothered how all this makes me feel and how unwanted I feel.

OP posts:
Chel098 · 13/01/2021 19:23

If your marriage is sexless why are you pushing your husband for a vasectomy?

How long has it been like this for? Would you consider leaving?

Original poster
Jj2431 · 13/01/2021 21:39

Before I got pregnant with my last child (she is 5 months old) it was anything but sexless and even since having her we have been intimate many times but haven't had intercourse. I want to though. He says he does. It's either vasectomy or condoms but definitely going to need condoms until the vasectomy but he's done neither as of yet and that's why I'm wondering why.

Is it fear? Is it me? Is he up to something even though he can't possibly be as he works from home and never goes anywhere except shops and even then he usually takes a child or 2 or 3. He won't tell me much either way just makes excuses. We haven't had intercourse for a year. Since early pregnancy. I won't be able to stay another year in a sexless marriage with no reason no

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 13/01/2021 21:43

Has he got an erection or ejaculation problem ?
It sounds like he’s avoiding full sex.

FippertyGibbett · 13/01/2021 21:45

Please sit down and have a controlled and truthful conversation.
If he allows the resentment to set in with you, it could be the end of your marriage.

Original poster
Jj2431 · 13/01/2021 21:48

No erection problems.

Everytime I start a calm and honest discussion about it he gets defensive and says I'm arguing. He's said he will call the dr to find out what's going on tomorrow and that he will buy condoms when he can. There will be no reason why by the weekend he couldn't buy some so we will soon see but I'm not holding my breath because he has form for agreeing to shut me up and then doesn't do whatever it is he says he will.

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 13/01/2021 21:54

My DH agrees to something then doesn’t do it too. That’s when the resentment starts.

BrimFullOfAsher · 13/01/2021 21:56

So why can you not buy condoms? If you want sex, which it definitely sounds like you do, why does he have to buy them? Just get some yourself 🤷‍♂️

Original poster
Jj2431 · 13/01/2021 22:00

@BrimFullOfAsher I thought this but then I was reminded that it would be another thing I had to make the effort do whilst he got away with doing nothing again.

@FippertyGibbett yep. I'm always hoping one day he will say he's sorry he's made me feel that way and that I'm wrong and then show me with actions that he means what he says but I have a feeling I'm going to he disappointed once more.

OP posts:
Heyahun · 13/01/2021 22:31

Why can’t you just buy the condoms? Seriously you can get them in any supermarket and you must be there at least weekly?? Or order them online for delivery - it’s not that hard 😂

Then if he refused to use them or things remain sexless maybe you have a bigger problem

Does sound like he doesn’t want the vasectomy though

HOS8595 · 13/01/2021 22:52

Why can’t you get the condoms .. whats all this fuss about him having to get them. Seems childish. Is it that hard to grab on the weekly shopHmm

You also said that it was you who didn’t want sex while pregnant (fair enough) and it’s only been 5 months since having the baby...and you have multiple kids 2/3? ... maybe he’s not feeling it right now and he’s lost his mojo for it.

RealisticSketch · 13/01/2021 22:59

Pre covid dh made appointment with go just as you would for anything, discussed the snip and was referred to the clinic that came round a regular dates. Whole thing took about a month. I would have thought the initial consultation would be done over the phone currently do then it's just whether the snip clinics are still doing the rounds, just call and ask

BrimFullOfAsher · 14/01/2021 08:34

Just go buy some FFS. If you want sex, facilitate it. Although - it does seem like he doesn't really want sex, which is absolutely fine and in which case you need to back off and stop pestering him.

stillhappytohelp · 14/01/2021 08:39

In all fairness I assume OP has sorted out her own pill and collected that for however many years she was on it. Expecting her DP to go and get some condoms now she’s not doing that is completely reasonable. The whole ‘if you want something doing then do it yourself’ thing just lets men get away with laziness.

But I do agree with PP, it sounds like he’s avoiding sex for some reason. Maybe a deeper chat is needed? Although you say it always ends badly. Difficult one OP Flowers

YoniAndGuy · 14/01/2021 08:49

He probably had a bad experience with condoms previously - losing erection, not being able to climax- neither unusual if he's not used to them - and if scared of it happening again. Have you ever used condoms together? He’s also clearly apprehensive about a vasectomy which is understandable- but the thing you have to establish is if he actually doesn’t want it, genuinely.

You’re going to have to be much firmer about a real conversation - difficult with a teenage sulky man child type who can’t communicate like an adult...

RantyAnty · 14/01/2021 10:44

I have to ask. Are you getting satisfaction from the non-intercourse sex?

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