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Original poster

Did he really make the call?

73 replies

Jj2431 · 12/01/2021 19:21

Me and my husband agreed after the birth of our last child last summer that he would get a vasectomy. He called the gp in November after I asked him why he hadn't called to talk to them about it yet. He got very defensive at that time but called them the same day out of earshot. He showed me he had called them but he's heard nothing about it since. After two months I'm starting to wonder if he even called about that? I've asked him and he gets insulted and says of course. They apparently said they would refer him and send information in a leaflet to him. No leaflet came and he's heard nothing. Is this normal? Could covid have pushed it back? I want to ask him again but don't want to nag. Every so often he will say he's going to find out what's taking so long but never does and always says he forgets. The pill isn't suiting me and I don't want to be the only one taking this seriously after we both agreed he should have the snip. We haven't had sex since baby has been born and altogether it's been a full year since we had intercourse. He won't even buy condoms and keeps saying he will and doesn't. I feel very unwanted. He isn't cheating either because he's at home all day working from home. What would you do?

OP posts:

BakewellGin1 · 14/01/2021 10:47

My DH has been on the list since DS was 6 month... DS is now 22 months and still waiting...

Weve rang several times between

YoniAndGuy · 14/01/2021 11:05

@RantyAnty

I have to ask. Are you getting satisfaction from the non-intercourse sex?

Well that's another very important point.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you're satisfying him this way, then stop.

Not in a blackmailng way (!) - but because you're not satisfied so longer term it's just going to corrode things.

'No, I don't want to get together to do X, it's actually making me feel more upset about our lack of proper sex life so it's not a positive thing. Please either speak to me about why you won't sort condoms or vasectomy, or just sort condoms or vasectomy.'

Broken record time.

RantyAnty · 14/01/2021 11:37

^Well that's another very important point.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but if you're satisfying him this way, then stop.^

Yes, if he is the only one getting off but she isn't, that certainly is not fair.

AlternativePerspective · 14/01/2021 11:47

I don’t get the big deal about buying condoms. No in an ideal world he would buy them, but you can get them with the supermarket shop, and that makes your intentions clear surely?

Whereas the OP can’t make her DH have a vasectomy, she can present him with condoms when they’re intimate and then if he says no there’s a bigger problem which tbh makes a vasectomy a bit of a red herring.

But OP said that it was she who didn’t want sex for the duration of her pregnancy. While I understand being in a sexless marriage is difficult, I also think that it’s slightly unreasonable to not want something and then to expect the other person to be on board and just put out when you’re ready.

After 7 months you fall out of the habit. If you’ve turned him down regularly then it’s not surprising if he doesn’t initiate anything because he no longer knows where he’s at.

While not wanting sex during pregnancy is understandable, so is not feeling as if you’re expected to be available when the person decides that the time is now here.

Lettitbee · 14/01/2021 12:03

Why is everyone assuming that it is the OP who does the 'weekly shop'? Just because she's a woman, doesn't mean that she's the one who buys all the food!

Tomatobear · 14/01/2021 12:21

I've been trying to get a new coil fitted since my son was born 5 months ago. Covid has push everything back here (SW)

User3262760621 · 14/01/2021 14:31

Doesn't sound like he should get a vasectomy to me.

It's basically permanent. You want to be in a stable position, and know where your life is going. That is not the case here - you're not having sex despite wanting to, and arguing over it. Those need fixing first, before he commits to permanent sterilisation. I'm guessing he's figured that out.

Two grown adults really want to have sex; I'm sure one or the other can get hold of condoms.

Original poster

Jj2431 · 14/01/2021 15:08

I do do the weekly shop but (and some may think it's childish) I want him to want me and to prove it by buying them and making a move. It definitely isn't a thing of because it's been so long because he can get an erection easily and we have been intimate a lot since the birth but haven't gone the whole way. We have used a condom once in our entire relationship (over a decade) and yes it didn't go well but we were both inexperienced then and I'd like to think it's different now. We've laughed about it and he knows I'm not going to be mad or judge if he didn't get on with it. I just want him to try. The Dr's is only open a few more hours. I'm currently having time to myself and he's sat in living room and two older kids are entertaining themselves for 5 mins and baby is asleep so he could call now but guess what? He isn't. He isn't going to and he will have broken his promise yet again. Wouldn't be so bad if he told me why he doesn't want one or won't get one. I've been calm and I've told him I'd understand if he was nervous and we would sort something out but he says he's getting it and then never chases it up so I'm at a loss.

OP posts:

YoniAndGuy · 14/01/2021 19:31

Does he come when you do whatever it is you do instead of full sex?

If so, STOP. Stop it all.

It's giving him enough of a release so that it will do for him, and he can continue to avoid condoms.

The condoms are clearly the issue.

Chocomel · 14/01/2021 21:14

Dial the Drs number and hand him the phone?

SnowFields · 14/01/2021 21:21

Maybe he is concerned he won’t be able to come if you do have sex because he has become accustomed to a death grip.

It sounds like he is making excuses and if I’m honest, if I felt I was being pestered into sex and being sterilised in a relationship that my partner had already told me they were bored in the way it currently was, I’d be considering my options. If you break up, he probably stands less chance in the dating world once he has had a vasectomy.

Baileysoncereal · 14/01/2021 21:35

Why do you need him to prove it to you? Like what does it mean if he doesn’t? He’s lazy with everything? You have to manage everything? He doesn’t fancy you? You need to think about why you’re having this stand off, because that’s your issue, not the box of condoms.

Why does he need to prove it to you about the vasectomy too? Maybe he isn’t sure, I don’t think anyone should have to prove anything or be pressured in that sense. Personally I would take this off the table and handle the condom and having sex thing for now.

And you said you had an honest but polite conversation, but you said here you told him you were bored in a sexless marriage and you’ve said things like you won’t go another year. My legs would be shut for a long time if that’s how my DH bargained for sex with me if we were in this situation.

It needs to be more about how he’s making you feel and why you care (I feel like our relationship isn’t priority, like you’re not attracted to me now or whatever it is) and then you need to ask him if that’s why, and if it’s not could he explain to you why. If he gives you a reason, great you can work on that

If he says again that he’s just not got round to it and there’s no other reason, then you can say ok now you know that this action is making me feel unloved/unattractive/whatever so please don’t continue to do it, it’s really hurting me.

If he then continues to do it you know where your feelings are in his priorities.

BornIn78 · 14/01/2021 21:43

As you’ve yet again swerved the questions about whether you’re getting anything from these ‘intimacy sessions’ you’re having, I’m going to assume the answer is no and they consist of you sorting him out and getting nothing in return.

So stop it.

FippertyGibbett · 15/01/2021 10:55

Could he be using porn ? That way he doesn’t want/need to have sex with you.

BrimFullOfAsher · 19/01/2021 08:33

Any progress OP?

Dancingmeldew · 19/01/2021 09:35

Perhaps you should think about a coil or getting you tubes tied yourself? Rather than putting pressure on your husband, who clearly does not want a vasectomy. If he did he would have sorted it himself by now. I would go so far as to say it's abusive on your part. This is not something he should be nagged or bullied into. His body his choice. No wonder he doesn't want sex with you. Your hardly setting the right mood.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/01/2021 09:42

@Chocomel

Dial the Drs number and hand him the phone?

Even though he very clearly doesn't want to have a vasectomy?

People have bodily autonomy. It sucks for OP that he's changed his mind about something they previously agreed they both wanted but that's his right.

If my relationship was as rocky as theirs currently is there's not a chance I would make any permanent decisions that would have such a big effect on my life were we to break up.

If a woman agreed to get her tubes tied then changed her mind, and a bloke said "dial the doctors for her and hand her the phone" I would consider it to be a suggestion of something incredibly unhealthy and borderline abusive. Same applies no matter which sex either partner is.

He clearly doesn't want to do it OP. So you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker or not. If it is then you need to end the relationship, which sounds like it has become unhappy and toxic.

flowersWB · 19/01/2021 09:53

There are other options than the pill and condoms. I think the coil is life changing. Lasts 5-10 years without having to think about it at all. I appreciate it's not for everyone but there are lots of options. Largely they rely on the woman which is irritating but unlikely to change.
It's a bit harsh to demand he get surgery and I'd be terrified of relying on condoms if you're both not that good at using them.

Chocomel · 19/01/2021 11:23

@youvegottenminuteslynn - you've misunderstood my post. I should have been clearer. OP wanted to know if he'd already phoned the Dr. Handing him the phone, ready to dial, would hopefully prompt him to actually say whether he'd done it already or not, or might get him to say one way or another if he ever intended to.

Of course he shouldn't be forced into an operation he doesn't want, no one is saying that. (And a phone call to find out information/options wouldn't mean he was having the operation anyway).

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/01/2021 11:26

[quote Chocomel]@youvegottenminuteslynn - you've misunderstood my post. I should have been clearer. OP wanted to know if he'd already phoned the Dr. Handing him the phone, ready to dial, would hopefully prompt him to actually say whether he'd done it already or not, or might get him to say one way or another if he ever intended to.

Of course he shouldn't be forced into an operation he doesn't want, no one is saying that. (And a phone call to find out information/options wouldn't mean he was having the operation anyway). [/quote]
Sorry, my bad

Chocomel · 19/01/2021 11:35

No probs. We both agree anyway! X

Dontweallfeelthiswaysometimes · 19/01/2021 11:58

If you enjoy and want sex with him and miss it and love him then buy the bloody condoms, but it really doesn't sound like you two love or respect each other anymore because it's descended into not talking with a tiny sprinkling of gameplaying.

RuthW · 19/01/2021 12:00

Is this nhs or private?

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