Tell me to ignore this Facebook post from DM

[Sickoffamilydrama]

My DM posted this and tagged DSis & I in.

I already know she can be immature and thoughtless although I don't perceive it's done or of malice, just immaturity.

Anyway I've slept on it and it's still getting to me and I find it hurtful even though it's a small thing.

I think it's because it's not a competition and I would never compete with my DDs in fact they are and should be the best of me & in sure are way cooler than me & even if they weren't cool ( not that I even like making that kind of value judgement) I'd not dream of making any kind of comparison.

Also Dsis and I have never treated her as if she didn't have a life before us.

Anyway do I raise it with her or file in the she's immature and ignore?

I'm wondering if I'm being immature by finding it hurtful and I need to deal with my emotions and it. Problem is I always seem to have to do that and I sometimes think that's not healthy.

God these competitive generation memes annoy me beyond measure - even worse when they're directed at you "read it and weep" - fuck off. I think some of the PPs on here saying "oh it's only jolly nostalgia" haven't actually seen that comment from her.

Subtext:

The past was great
I'm great because I experienced the past
The present is shit
You're shit because you represent the present
Hahaha I'm so much better than you

Some excellent reply suggestions on here if you can be bothered responding, although the healthier response is probably to take a deep breath and mute!

Just remind her you'll put her in a nursing home in her old age if she's not careful.

When I first read it I didn’t see the offence, although I don’t really believe that most grandmothers were into all that!

But when you expanded a little on your reasons why, I did relate to what you meant.

My mum seemed to compare herself to me when I was a teenager and some of the negative has stuck with me. I remember her telling me that she had such long legs and all the boys liked her in her hot pants, but she said I had ‘short stumpy legs’. She only said that part the once but whenever she’d reminisce about her hot pants, the voice in my head would tell me that I had short stumpy legs. It’s never gone away, in fact it’s become an in-joke with DH, for example if he puts something in the footwell of the car and asks if I’ve got enough space, I’ll say “oh it’s fine I’ve only got short stumpy legs’ and he’ll do an eyeroll.

It goes to show how our mother affects our inner voice!

Thanks all for the feedback affirming or trying to understand my frustration and those telling me I'm being sensitive both sides are valid.

I think with these things they can sometimes be a little bit of an accumulative affect that on there own are not much but all together feel like a lot.

Some I probably haven't explained well the taking the piss out of double barreling my name. That was done by my not DBro during a series of messages were he was being really rude to me about fuck no's what as I literally don't know what I've done, it would be easier if I did. I screenshot a message of his and asked my DM any thoughts on how I reply as he's clearly upset but not sure why and I don't want to argue ( I communicate with him about the family business, otherwise I'm very low contact).

That was off the back of loads of pervious times he's had a go... apparently we as DSis is as guilty as me know what we've done so at least I'll have a friend in prison. I think our heinous crime might have been standing up to him when he's in a temper or even the terrible crime of spending a fortune flying to another country to attend our Niece's christening to be mostly ignored for two weeks and occasionally sworn at.

The first thing my DM did was take the piss out of the double barreling of my surname he'd put into the message and tell me I'd need a twin set.

I'm sure some will say I shouldn't have involved her I normally don't but just once thought I'd ask her any thoughts on how to respond, I never will again.

There's lots of other things as well like that I was constantly told I was cold hearted. But then she got me to stay when our pony was put to sleep I must have been between 14-15 my DD is 13 no way would I get her to do that in a years time alone bmy nephew is 17 and I wouldn't expect him to either. I still have the memory of his last few moments and how awful it was. So it was fucking convenient that I'm child hearted when adulting was hard for her.

What this and my ramblings have highlighted for me especially as my children get to similar ages that I was when I remember these things is that I'm carrying a lot of anger towards my DM. I seem to have dealt with my anger towards my Dad its taken years so now I need to do the same with my DM.

So thanks everyone you've helped bring things to the surface for me that I can now deal with.

Not so much a drip as a splosh.

Sheldon apologies next time I'll put a link my post to my biography so that you feel suitably informed

If you’d have put that in your first post I would have agreed with you in the first instance.

As you didnt - it is a bit of a splosh feed. No need for the eye roll.

i'm not sure if she did it because she was comparing us or just she does seem to live on stories usually around her beauty when she was young

Sounds a little like she is feeling the need to boost herself up. Perhaps starting to feel her age a little?!

It’s good I guess that you’ve had that epiphany and you know that you have to deal with it. Good luck with it - and in your shoes I would unfollow your DM on FB!

From what you say, she's clearly got issues where she sees herself mostly as an object for men. I suspect she cannot resist flirting, invited men into the house, and prioritised their needs above your needs.
Good sense does not prevail when someone is like this. They are as compelled to attract attention. She may tend towards an histrionic type of personality.
The fact that she says 'a man's hands' in relation to her waist says it all.
I suspect there were issues with her own Dad and her mother. Possibly there was a 'third' adult in her upbringing where she had to compete savagely for a grown ups attention. Or competing for attention with a parent's addiction. Her competitiveness about her looks are not malicious, it sadly her way to reassure herself of her importance in the world.

Your mother has issues, and both fortunately and unfortunately we are products of our parents upbringing.
Your best bet may be not to respond to the 'minor' offences, to let it go. If her need is for attention, then not responding may take the charge out of it. Facebook would be the worst place to respond, so respond less and less there.
You be the sort of person you want to be, you treat people the way you wish to be treated. Try to see your mother's issues as separate from you, and seek counselling for yourself if you felt you it would help to take the time to work through issues arising in your upbringing.

Context is everything.

It seems that you have had a pretty toxic upbringing if your DF has anger issues, your DB is a bully and your DM is an immature, inappropriately competitive and inadequate parent.

Lots of toxic enmeshed dynamics in this family. I suspect that you were expected to suck it up all the time, never to express your own feelings without fear of ridicule and humiliation for being “petty”.

This context is the lens through which you read the posts and interpret her actions. Your past experience with your DM (and whole family) 100% informs how you perceive it to be and the impact on you.

Your feelings are real and valid. You don’t have to repress them anymore. You need to as you v rightly say put them in the context of the persistent cumulative snipes over the years and know this is how bully’s work. Each action on its own is calibrated to be deliberately low level enough to sting but sounds petty to call out - where you would be made to look unreasonable or irrational or oversensitive. So you are silenced. And they can come at you again with another PA, below the radar snipe.

So don’t rise to the provocation - log it, process it and know what’s going on.

Know your gut is right - for the lifetime she has failed you as a mother - not this one post. Focus on emotionally protecting yourself by slowly detaching from her (she will never) change - take yourself out of punching distance, reduce the number and types of interactions you have with her and focus on the good radiant people you have in your life. Drop any FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that you may feel about her - this is stopping you seeing her for where she is emotionally.

@sadie9

From what you say, she's clearly got issues where she sees herself mostly as an object for men. I suspect she cannot resist flirting, invited men into the house, and prioritised their needs above your needs. Good sense does not prevail when someone is like this. They are as compelled to attract attention. She may tend towards an histrionic type of personality. The fact that she says 'a man's hands' in relation to her waist says it all. I suspect there were issues with her own Dad and her mother. Possibly there was a 'third' adult in her upbringing where she had to compete savagely for a grown ups attention. Or competing for attention with a parent's addiction. Her competitiveness about her looks are not malicious, it sadly her way to reassure herself of her importance in the world. Your mother has issues, and both fortunately and unfortunately we are products of our parents upbringing. Your best bet may be not to respond to the 'minor' offences, to let it go. If her need is for attention, then not responding may take the charge out of it. Facebook would be the worst place to respond, so respond less and less there. You be the sort of person you want to be, you treat people the way you wish to be treated. Try to see your mother's issues as separate from you, and seek counselling for yourself if you felt you it would help to take the time to work through issues arising in your upbringing.

I think this is a fabulous post and addresses the issue PP stated in her last post of how to navigate having pity of an emotionally inadequate parent and at the same time being realistic that the DM can’t / won’t change and then PP taking responsibility for managing her own emotional development separately.

Yes, agree with pp that you’re describing someone rather s

Drat, posted prematurely! I was saying that your mum sounds self-absorbed and rather immature. It’s always sad when people talk up their past ‘glories’ as it suggests they aren’t that keen on the here and now. It’s also very tough being parented by someone who is emotionally immature and competitive - either you have to be a ‘mini me’ and emulate them or try and be yourself but neither wins approval. As an adult you find her behaviour presses your buttons because I suspect you remember how unsafe it could feel being a child and knowing you wouldn’t do that to a child.

Wow thanks after my minor grr at posts complaining why I didn't post more details earlier. I realised that particularly as I was always told I was over sensitive.

I hadn't really even thought the other behaviour was relevant it's like I've had a conversation with myself or a realisation that those things are why it annoyed me not the actual post.

It's also hard to know what is "normal" emotional responses within emotionally healthy families, such as I've realised parents help their children to learn how to manage their emotions and responses.

Sadie and sssloou a lot of what you have said resonates luckily or unluckily my parents divorced when I was late teens so not lots of men in and out but my DM does seem to measure her value against how men see her. Even though she seems to be equally as repulsed by them. It's weird even as a pre-teen she made it clear to us she sexually lusted after certain celebrities but almost like a teen when you start developing sexuality she seemed to be disgusted/repulsed by sex.

This really resonated with me I suspect that you were expected to suck it up all the time, never to express your own feelings without fear of ridicule and humiliation for being “petty”

Thanks for the insight all it's helpful and also helps me break they cycle so my children are emotionally healthy/stable adults.