Tell me to ignore this Facebook post from DM

[Sickoffamilydrama]

My DM posted this and tagged DSis & I in.

I already know she can be immature and thoughtless although I don't perceive it's done or of malice, just immaturity.

Anyway I've slept on it and it's still getting to me and I find it hurtful even though it's a small thing.

I think it's because it's not a competition and I would never compete with my DDs in fact they are and should be the best of me & in sure are way cooler than me & even if they weren't cool ( not that I even like making that kind of value judgement) I'd not dream of making any kind of comparison.

Also Dsis and I have never treated her as if she didn't have a life before us.

Anyway do I raise it with her or file in the she's immature and ignore?

I'm wondering if I'm being immature by finding it hurtful and I need to deal with my emotions and it. Problem is I always seem to have to do that and I sometimes think that's not healthy.

@Littlewhitedove2 well I fully agree there.

Its a typical jokey social media post. If you think otherwise & get upset by this type of thing then social media & probably the internet as a whole is not for you.

I read where you said that your mum tells you how lovely and slim she used to be etc. When my mum does this, I tell her she is still gorgeous. I think it's very easy to forget that our mums need compliments and to be told that we think they're great. I hope you don't mind me saying, because I know it isn't what your original post was about, but perhaps the odd compliment and acknowledgement of her accomplishments would be well received.

@ClaireP20 I would agree with you as two adults together. But I work with girls and body issues and this rang a bell from OP. Something as innocuously sounding as the below may seem nothing but can be extremely damaging when a mother does this to her teenage daughter. So something that may seem lighthearted for us may hit a big nerve in others. Again though I would let it go.

Interestingly both DSis and I found it irritating and we have noticed she always used to tell us how slim and beautiful she was that her waist was the circumference of a man's hands and as teens whilst we were both very healthy and not overweight neither of us were a size 6-8. In fact I can remember friends borrowing their mothers clothes and me feeling I was huge because I couldn't fit her clothes.

Don't you think you're the one who's being immature? So your mum looked good in a mini-skirt - half a century ago! And it's eating you up now? I had a hand-span waist back then. I don't any more. Sometimes I fondly remember it.

PS If I double-barrelled my surname for work, my family would piss themselves laughing. I think most families would.

There can be offence found in anything and everything if you look hard enough for it.

I don’t believe there was offence meant with this.

Let it float by.

'Read it and weep girls' is a strange addition to an otherwise harmless nostalgic post.

It kind of implies she sees you and your sister as rivals. And, since it's a public post, implies to others that she doesn't feel appreciated by you. I can understand your irritation, with a background of other shitty and competitive behaviour.

My advice (having a similarly weird and sometimes combative mother) is to like the post, so she can't accuse you of being offended if you ignore it, then move on and never give it another thought. You can't change people who think like this.

How old is she?

I ask this because all those things don't quite go together. Some of them I associate with my sister, (10 years older than me) and some with me. She could potentially fall between us in age but it strikes me this was written by someone who wasn't there.

The biggest clash - it was motorbikes or scooters - never both

IMO you're not being oversensitive. It sounds like she competed with her own daughters when you were growing up and its affected you, and it still hurts because she's still doing it. She's being immature, but like you she has a choice over whether she still gets her kicks from hurting her own daughters. But you also have a choice re whether, and how, to respond. That 'read it and weep' comment aimed at you shows its meant to goad you. So don't rise to the bait, don't reward her by letting her know it's got to you. I read somewhere it's like a game of catch - she throws the ball, but you don't have to catch it, you can just let it fall to the ground.

I would suggest discussing it with your sister to get it out of your system, don't respond by liking the post, and if she mentions it say something like 'Oh yes I remember it now, I thought I 'liked' it. I didn't? Oh well never mind.' and change the subject.

I agree you might get more sympathetic responses on the stately homes thread. I've also found with hurtful family stuff it helps to write things down in a diary or on the computer, and it stops it whirling round your head and files it away. It helps you understand it, see patterns etc in her behaviour and your responses, so you can deal with it.

@Sickoffamilydrama, its not that you could have over reacted, you are massively over reacting. Both you and your sister!!!

Almost like she can’t have a giggle at some light hearted humour with both of you, her own daughters....

I agree that the post on its own wouldn't bother me, but tagging the OP and her sister and writing "Read it and weep girls 😘" is twatty in the extreme.

It's cringe-worthy 'boomer humour.' The 'read it and weep girls 😘' part made me especially cringe lol. Just put it down to her being slightly jealous for some reason that she is no longer in her younger days and feels the need to compete. Just feel a bit sorry for her and move on.

[quote Norwolf]@Sickoffamilydrama, its not that you could have over reacted, you are massively over reacting. Both you and your sister!!!

Almost like she can’t have a giggle at some light hearted humour with both of you, her own daughters....[/quote]
You reap what you sow.
If You raise your daughters with passive aggressive comments all their life and make them feel they are in a competition with you, "lighthearted humour " might be taken the wrong way.

I get it, OP, I also have a weirdly competitive mother. She's 5' tall and has spent most of my life being negative about the fact that I'm considerably taller - as if I could change it - apparently this faux pas meant I'd never get a boyfriend.

My advice would be to feel sorry for her - I mean, you have to be pretty lacking in ambition and achievement to think the size of your waist/small stature is your greatest accomplishment.

My DM is insensitive and narcissistic and I push back when it's really bad, but that post, while I would register it as bloody irritating, I'd try and reframe as my DM being anxious about her age, remembering her past, and finding something clumsy as hell to connect to her DD. Parents make gross and minor fuck ups all the time. I'd let it go and make a mental note not to do that to my own DD.

This would definitely irritate me - it's very gloaty and this generation often 'had it all' in terms of welfare state, affordable housing,degrees meaning something etc etc so it seems a bit insensitive especially currently when things seem particularly bleak for the youngsters

OP I’m sorry your mum is like this. My mother can also be challenging in these kinds of ways.

I would comment on the post, “aw the good old days” or something completely brainless and benign and then I’d forget about it. Your mum has issues with getting older but that’s not your problem.

Ahhh I completely understand.

In this case nothing better than a meme of your own.....

It’s the sort of thing my DM would post or share. I know perfectly well she was not one of the cool girls! It’s just a funny social media post, I wouldn’t read more into it than that. It’s more your relationship that is making this feel prickly.

Your grandma????? Jesus that was my two eldest sisters for gods sake!

Fine - happy days but there was also - women couldn’t get a mortgage, contraception could be given to married ladies or with ‘consent’, women could be pushed out of jobs/not given promotions if they got married or were ‘of child bearing age’, polio, smallpox (I think?), nuclear weapons... and that’s just off the top of my head.

I'd reply 'those were the days mum - you need to get some of that spirit back!'

The timelines are wrong aren’t they? If she’s late 60s she was born in say 1952. So she was an adult only in 1969, at a push. Methinks she wasn’t there!

I understand your irritation OP. I’m a horribly competitive person and I’ve had to fight myself not to compete with my DDs as they grew up. Sometimes I’ve slipped and I’ve kicked myself for it. Sounds like your DM lacks sensitivity. There’s no magic pill that will make it easier for you. I’m glad though that you have a sister who gets it and you can share with, I suggest you have a debrief with her then move on!

I think posts like this can be replied to equally "lightheartedly". So, for example, my mum did all those things when she ws in her 20s. So did I. So I might respond with, "Amazing how things didn't change - mid 20s were the best!". Or I might go passive aggressive and highlight the great things women do today.

I always get a bit annoyed with those ones about being children in the 80s or 70s and how they roamed free, came home when they were hungry, didn't wear seat belts etc. Personally, I DO think we're a bit over protective of our kids today but I also think that 5 days a week of a white bread peanut butter sandwich and an apple for lunch didn't do my long term eating any good. That I personally knew a surprising number of families who had lost children in car/bike/road accidents. etc etc.

The post on its own I would say you're reading too much into it. The "read it and weep girls 😘" and tagging you seems really bitchy and childish.