Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I become more attractive?

79 replies

WhereHaveAllTheUsernamesGone · 11/01/2021 21:39

Just that really.

I know it's a vague question and not one with a simple answer but I'm just feeling really unattractive.

How can I make myself more attractive?

OP posts:
gannett · 13/01/2021 17:37

OP I'm so sorry you've been through, and are still going through, that.

In a way what your mother's motivation was is a red herring. It's probably quite complex even for her. But - whether it's jealousy or shame or some awful mixture of the two what's completely clear is that it's toxic, warped from reality and a deliberate attempt to destroy your self-worth.

You have to unlearn it. I'm not a trained professional so I don't know how. In particular you have to stop believing this:

I don't think I deserve anything more.

You ask whether making yourself more conventionally attractive would be the boost you need. I don't think it will. I don't know what you look like but your own physical descriptions of yourself are clear-sighted and you know you have strong points. Pale complexion, hourglass figure, the sharp haircut you mentioned earlier - the impression I'm getting is not a bad one!

Wonky smile? It's what makes you unique, it's charming. Boring eye colour? No such thing (can't even guess what it might be). Feet too small? A deranged fault to find, no one aside from your batshit mother will ever notice or care. Big ass? Haven't you heard they're in fashion nowadays. (You have, your daughter has told you!)

You say you attract overly critical men. That's quite passive. You've said why you think this is - like a lot of your other self-analysis it's very rational and lucid. But try turning your gaze away from yourself. Look at the outside world (and the men in it). What do YOU want from it? What and who are you attracted to?

You don't have to be trapped by the mental damage your mother inflicted on you.

WhereHaveAllTheUsernamesGone · 13/01/2021 19:04

Look at the outside world (and the men in it). What do YOU want from it? What and who are you attracted to?

There have been two men in the past 10 years I was genuinely attracted to. They were both intelligent, professional whilst being a bit maverick, creative, funny, both had big personalities without being arrogant, both saw the best in others... I knew them both first beforehand. Very different from each other in some ways - they couldn't have been more different physically!

The first one, it didn't get past the first date because I shut down completely for the same reason as the last. Yet prior to that we would meet for coffee alone, go on nights out and holidays with others. I just couldn't do it 121. The second was the one I recently ended/sabotaged.

Sadly, the one I sabotaged, I have become really good friends with. We hang out, we are each other's support bubble, I'm going to his to stay this weekend. It makes me sad that i can be relaxed with him now. I don't care whether he thinks I'm attractive or good enough to be in a relationship with because we're just friends. We get on really now in a way we never did when we were together because of how I feel about myself 😔

As for the rest of life and the world.

Well if/when things get back to normal, it will be fine. I have a career, I have friends, I have hobbies, I volunteer. In the rest of my life, I probably don't care that often if other people think I'm attractive or not. They don't have to look at me if they dont like it. But it really affects how I feel about myself. And, obviously means I can't have a relationship. Which is really the only thing lacking.

OP posts:
Worst · 13/01/2021 20:27

Sadly, the one I sabotaged ...

Do you think it could still be a relationship worth working on? If you were to have some therapy to address the harm your mother did, do you think you could eventually open up to someone like this man and work together on a relationship, maybe even as couples therapy with a therapist?

WhereHaveAllTheUsernamesGone · 13/01/2021 21:27

Do you think it could still be a relationship worth working on?

No. We are friends. I still don't believe he is attracted to me and we are good friends now. I wouldn't want to risk losing that. Nor would I expect someone I'd been dating for a few months to attend couples therapy with me.

I'm literally waving the red flags behind me as I walk down the street 😔

We are just friends.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page