Thank you for the replies. I read them.throughout yesterday/last night but wanted time to fully reflect before I responded to such well considered posts.
gannett
I suppose that, rationally, yes I do know some of it.
I know where it came from. An overly critical.mother who would tell me that I wasn't pretty enough to be loved so I had to make sure I my character/personality was inoffensive enough for someone to 'settle' for me anyway. I also know why that was. She had an accident when she was a teenager that affected her appearance slightly and she felt that no one would ever want her because of it. I believe she was trying to make sure that didn't happen to me and was projecting her own fears onto me in a way she thought was helpful and would protect me from feeling like her.
I also think she was frustrated because I didnt look like her (conventionally pretty) and looked like my dad's side of the family who were, objectively, less physically attractive than hers.
I grew up knowing she was a bit embarrassed about my looks and, when i look at myself, i only see all the flaws she pointed out - my eyes aren't 'pretty', my mouth is wonky when I smile, my bum is big etc etc etc. She criticised my hair colour for being mousey so I've dyed it since I was 14. It's greying now and I've never had my natural colour since. I have a 14 year old daughter. We celebrated my grandma's 75th birthday when my daughter was 6 months old and she was so embarrassed that i was fat, she told me in the toilets part way through the meal and I felt incredibly self conscious for the rest of it I was 9.5 st at the time. By the time I was 12/13 and had started developing, I wasn't allowed to wear swimming costumes on the beach because I didnt have the figure for it. She dressed me in oversized clothes because I was 'fat'. For years, i wore clothes that were too big for me and lamented my ugly body that nothing would fit me properly.
I've got a slightly better perspective now. I've got an hourglass figure that meant I looked horrendous in all the baggy stuff I wore as a teen. But now I wear wrap dresses because they suit me and look nice.
Unfortunately, I have dated men who would be looking over my shoulder for/at women who were more attractive. I walked out on a night out with a boyfriend once because he kept repositioning himself so that he could better see one girl. She was incredibly cute but also half his age. Once he'd seen her, I became invisible. I'm not even sure he noticed I'd gone.
I don't really suit a tanned look - I'm naturally quite pale. I do keep my nails filled nicely and wear pale nail polishes. I agree it does look better. But my nails are also short because I play the guitar.
So i know where it came from.
And no matter what you do physically, you will clearly still think this way
That's what worries me. I've had counselling and therapy on and off for nearly 30 years and it stil hasn't changed though. Which is why I was asking. I thought maybe if I could make myself obvjectively more attractive, that might follow through to how i feel about myself.
I'm not interested in dating. It turns out my mum was right when she told me no one would ever love me because no one ever has and it's probably just time to accept that now.
I'm more interested in feeling better about myself, for myself and not to gain male approval.
MrsBobDylan
What you said made a lot of sense actually. I do do that. And, even when I've dated someone who said I was attractive, my internal narrative over rides it and I dismiss it. I thank them of course but internally it means nothing. It makes no difference.
I do facials and face masks myself at home. I couldn't g somewhere to get it done because I can't bear anyone looking at my face or touching it.
Sorry that was so long. There were a lot of thoughtful posts!