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He asked me to wait, then took it back?

54 replies

CinnamonGoil · 11/01/2021 18:52

Hi all, need a bit of advice here. I am a recently divorced mom of 2. Recently I've been corresponding with a gentlemen who grew up in the same time as me, we've just never crossed paths. He now lives in the Midwest, I still live relatively close to where we grew up. He came across me on Facebook because I had like and commented on his band's page.

So anyway, a few days ago he messages me and we chat all day Thursday and Friday, getting to know each other. He says he's going to move back in the Spring or Summer.He comes on somewhat strong - saying he's not looking to hook up but wants to form a real connection. That he can't wait to meet me, and feel me, kiss me. So Saturday night we talk all throughout the night. He tells me he's been drinking as an FYI. He's saying we seem like kindred spirits, and that he can't wait to become "one" (meaning consummating our relationship in the sack I guess?).

At the end of the conversation, I state I'm going to bed and he asks me if I would be ok waiting for him while he figures out his next move. I didn't see the message until the morning, so I text him Sunday morning with "I will wait.". He responds about an hour later apologizing for the previous night, that he is an idiot and needs to hide his phone while he's drinking. He tells me not to wait for him, that I should be free to date whomever I want, but that he would like to stay in touch for when he visits so we can actually meet, "even if you're dating someone else". I replied by telling him that I'm recently divorced, so dating is not a priority. I won't be looking for dates, but if it happens, it happens." He then said "I am going to chug water and lay down for a bit. I wish you a lovely Sunday my new friend."

What the hell? He spent the past few days telling me all of these wonderful things. His "drunk: messages were extremely coherent and grammatically correct (especially for texting). The conversation went just like the one the previous night, and he wasn't drinking that previous night. We went from texting all day, to nothing Sunday, and nothing today. I never responded to his text wishing me a good Sunday and I don't plan on texting him again. Is this the right move? I am so confused.

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 11/01/2021 19:56

I'd forget him, and learn a lesson for the future to not be so available to chat with strangers. You were his boredom relief for a few days. He's got other things to do now.

His behaviour is not a reflection on you, it is who he is. Unreliable. Future-faker, and fast-forwarder. Bullet dodged.

This might help: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/podcast-ep-201-who-were-you-getting-to-know-over-those-texts/

MzHz · 11/01/2021 20:00

Oh love, you deserve more than this level of crap!

His sober message is correct

Don’t wait, don’t hold out and please live your life the way you want to.

If it’s supposed to happen it will.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/01/2021 20:00

He sounds like a love-bombing weirdo. What a creep. Block him and stop talking to strangers on the internet.

SilverRoe · 11/01/2021 20:00

Yes because he’s clearly completely odd to be texting shit like that to some random woman he’s only chatted to a couple of times via Facebook. ‘Become one’?!!! Wait for him?? How in hell did that not make you want to turn inside out from the cheesiness? Not to mention the batshit inappropriateness?

I’m shocked you’re even wondering if ignoring this weirdo is the right move.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 11/01/2021 20:04

You haven't met him and he is asking you to ''wait'' for him! What?!!?

And you're not shutting right down any talk about how he wants to kiss you?!!? you have not met this person

Nobody normal would behave like this. He's trying to lock you down which is like the behavior of an abusive player.

RantyAnty · 11/01/2021 20:07

Don't get so invested in internet strangers no matter how nice they are during chat.

He could be a con artist but most likely a bored married guy.

Always remember men lie, a lot.

With zoom, Skype, and fb video chat there is zero reason to be chatting with someone without seeing them and hearing them.

There is no reason to spend all day chatting to a man. It just shows them you have nothing better to do.

Always remember men lie, a lot.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 11/01/2021 20:08

To get some clarity, can you picture yourself doing that to somebody, ie, asking a man you have not met to ''wait'' for you. I presume that means put everything else on hold for you.......... even though you've not met.

Does that sound like a normal or reasonable thing to ask of somebody or does it sound needy and manipulative?

I bet you would never dream of asking a man you hadn't met to wait for you.

Please don't be confused.

percheron67 · 11/01/2021 20:11

What is FYI?

MondayYogurt · 11/01/2021 20:16

Guys in bands have good experience forming connections quickly, then moving on.

Angeldust2810 · 11/01/2021 20:21

I’d have run a mile at the can’t wait to feel you, kiss and become one stuff...🤮

youvegottenminuteslynn · 11/01/2021 20:23

He comes on somewhat strong - saying he's not looking to hook up but wants to form a real connection. That he can't wait to meet me, and feel me, kiss me. So Saturday night we talk all throughout the night. He tells me he's been drinking as an FYI. He's saying we seem like kindred spirits, and that he can't wait to become "one" (meaning consummating our relationship in the sack I guess?).

If this didn't all massively put you off and you're still considering staying in touch, I'm not sure you're in the right headspace for dating perhaps.

This is all so odd, so full on (then off) that with good boundaries you would likely have recognised he was coming on way too strong, and knocked it on the head there.

Throw this one back!

MilkMoon · 11/01/2021 20:27

Honestly, OP, are you a generally gullible person? This is from Standard Online Pick-Ups 101.

HmmSureJan · 11/01/2021 20:32

He sounds cringey as fuck.

Out of interest did he offer you a massage? This is one thing I have noticed about OLD men, when they want to start leading the conversation onto sex, they always start offering massages:-

You: "I had such a busy day today"

Him: "I bet you could do with a massage"

You: "I'm so stressed today"

Him: "you need a back rub"

You: "The shops were so busy!"

Him: "sounds like you could do with shoulder massage"

🙄

CodenameVillanelle · 11/01/2021 20:36

He's a literal stranger. Why are you so invested in a stranger?

Cleverpolly3 · 11/01/2021 20:36

Sorry but he sounds a fruit loop

CinnamonGoil · 11/01/2021 20:40

I wouldn't say gullible, but I was married for 11 years so dating feels very foreign to me. It seemed like we were a perfect match, both musicians, both attracted to one another. Same interests.

OP posts:
CinnamonGoil · 11/01/2021 20:42

@Aquamarine1029

He sounds like a love-bombing weirdo. What a creep. Block him and stop talking to strangers on the internet.
Yeah I agree. I just unfriended and blocked him.
OP posts:
CinnamonGoil · 11/01/2021 20:44

@HmmSureJan

He sounds cringey as fuck.

Out of interest did he offer you a massage? This is one thing I have noticed about OLD men, when they want to start leading the conversation onto sex, they always start offering massages:-

You: "I had such a busy day today"

Him: "I bet you could do with a massage"

You: "I'm so stressed today"

Him: "you need a back rub"

You: "The shops were so busy!"

Him: "sounds like you could do with shoulder massage"

🙄

He did not, but he would tell me all the things he wished we could do, like cuddle, nap, watch dorky movies. Go hiking. We did get a little raunchy in messages. I'm just so bummed, I can't believe I fell for this crap.
OP posts:
Mackerelpizza · 11/01/2021 20:48

You can't be attracted to somebody you have never met.

MrsGrindah · 11/01/2021 20:52

Also, I am quite often amazed at the grammatical perfection of my drunken texts!

CinnamonGoil · 11/01/2021 20:53

@Mackerelpizza

You can't be attracted to somebody you have never met.
So about that - we are both public figures so we know of each other.
OP posts:
Respectabitch · 11/01/2021 21:03

I'm sorry, but if you're going to date and internet chat to men, you need to get about 3000% less naive, sharpish.

Online chat is total fantasyland. People can and will say anything. You should treat it like a fever dream. There might be a tiny germ of something worth something in it, but if so it needs validated in person, or (more likely) it's just complete and total self indulgent garbage.

WiseOwlRelaxing · 11/01/2021 21:04

oh, right. But honestly, I think you can afford to just take things slower.
I would far rather listen to an audible or watch youtube lectures or netflix shows than chat to a stranger all night. Not that I haven't done it a few times but eventually you realise, I am just talking to myself here, as is he. It's all smoke and mirrors if it's done in a never-met-up-all-night-talking kind of way.

Slowing it down to a pace that works for you and your level of trust/comfort is actually pretty hard so I'm not judging you that you're getting it wrong after 11 years of marriage!

Wine
Honeyroar · 11/01/2021 21:05

He was drunk. You were gullible. Don’t worry about it, just learn from it for next time. (And really learn - you absolutely didn’t know him, despite whatever you mean about being public figures, or you wouldn’t have fallen for this crap...)

WiseOwlRelaxing · 11/01/2021 21:06

Next time (and there'll be a next time) tell the guy ''I'm going to do some yoga now/listen to music/read/cook'' so I'll be off line for a few hours.

Don't be available to chat online round the clock. Be in control of that. You'll weed out the guys who are so lonely and needy they need to chat to strangers 24/7 and you will not turn off the men who 100% understand that you're not going to stay online all night but that you'll be in touch the next day, or to arrange to meet up if we can ever do that