He asked me to wait, then took it back?

[CinnamonGoil]

Hi all, need a bit of advice here. I am a recently divorced mom of 2. Recently I've been corresponding with a gentlemen who grew up in the same time as me, we've just never crossed paths. He now lives in the Midwest, I still live relatively close to where we grew up. He came across me on Facebook because I had like and commented on his band's page.

So anyway, a few days ago he messages me and we chat all day Thursday and Friday, getting to know each other. He says he's going to move back in the Spring or Summer.He comes on somewhat strong - saying he's not looking to hook up but wants to form a real connection. That he can't wait to meet me, and feel me, kiss me. So Saturday night we talk all throughout the night. He tells me he's been drinking as an FYI. He's saying we seem like kindred spirits, and that he can't wait to become "one" (meaning consummating our relationship in the sack I guess?).

At the end of the conversation, I state I'm going to bed and he asks me if I would be ok waiting for him while he figures out his next move. I didn't see the message until the morning, so I text him Sunday morning with "I will wait.". He responds about an hour later apologizing for the previous night, that he is an idiot and needs to hide his phone while he's drinking. He tells me not to wait for him, that I should be free to date whomever I want, but that he would like to stay in touch for when he visits so we can actually meet, "even if you're dating someone else". I replied by telling him that I'm recently divorced, so dating is not a priority. I won't be looking for dates, but if it happens, it happens." He then said "I am going to chug water and lay down for a bit. I wish you a lovely Sunday my new friend."

What the hell? He spent the past few days telling me all of these wonderful things. His "drunk: messages were extremely coherent and grammatically correct (especially for texting). The conversation went just like the one the previous night, and he wasn't drinking that previous night. We went from texting all day, to nothing Sunday, and nothing today. I never responded to his text wishing me a good Sunday and I don't plan on texting him again. Is this the right move? I am so confused.

Perhaps he realised he got a bit carried away and that it's sensible to date other people til you finally do get to meet up.

Unlike some others on here, I don't think he's a random weirdo, it sounds like you hang in the same/similar circles, and know he's a real person in a particular band, and that you have a lot in common (your music). I don't think it's strange then to chat a lot, bond, get flirty and then- if the opportunity arises later on down the line, to meet up and see if you have chemistry in real life.

I think you are the odder one, if I'm completely honest, saying you want to commit to some guy you don't know in real life yet.

I wouldn't block him, what's he actually done wrong, other than suggest that it would be nice to see how this plays out if you can meet up in person, but that waiting around for this probably isn't sensible (especially in a pandemic!)

It all got a bit heavy too quickly, his response seems ok to me, I guess you have to decide whether he's just a player or whether you might click in real life but I wouldn't have a pretend intense relationship online as it's really meaningless unless you get to meet him in person.

@Poppingnostopping

Perhaps he realised he got a bit carried away and that it's sensible to date other people til you finally do get to meet up.

Unlike some others on here, I don't think he's a random weirdo, it sounds like you hang in the same/similar circles, and know he's a real person in a particular band, and that you have a lot in common (your music). I don't think it's strange then to chat a lot, bond, get flirty and then- if the opportunity arises later on down the line, to meet up and see if you have chemistry in real life.

I think you are the odder one, if I'm completely honest, saying you want to commit to some guy you don't know in real life yet.

I wouldn't block him, what's he actually done wrong, other than suggest that it would be nice to see how this plays out if you can meet up in person, but that waiting around for this probably isn't sensible (especially in a pandemic!)

It all got a bit heavy too quickly, his response seems ok to me, I guess you have to decide whether he's just a player or whether you might click in real life but I wouldn't have a pretend intense relationship online as it's really meaningless unless you get to meet him in person.

I wouldn't say I was ready to commit. I told him several times that due to work restraints and being recently divorced - on top of being a mom - dating wasn't a priority for me. I told him I am not on any dating sites, and that I'm just not interested. I joked it was like he fell from the sky. He kept saying the universe brought us together, it is meant to be. I know this sounds crazy. I just couldn't believe my luck, honestly. I was like wow God sent me the man of my dreams and I didin't have to look. Oy. Lesson learned.

Even if you’re both “public figures”- you still have no idea what type of chemistry you two would have. People can be nice to look at but if there’s no chemistry it doesn’t matter. Definitely take a look at some of the threads on here and you’ll learn a lot!

@Mackerelpizza

You can't be attracted to somebody you have never met.

What a bizarre thing to say. Of course you can be attracted to people you've never met.

OP, he doesn't sound worth your time. Glad you've blocked him and fingers crossed the next bloke is better!

I joked it was like he fell from the sky. He kept saying the universe brought us together, it is meant to be. I know this sounds crazy. I just couldn't believe my luck, honestly. I was like wow God sent me the man of my dreams and I didin't have to look.

Um. I think your instincts on not dating right now are right. Because, I'm sorry, you come off as really needy as well as naive. The fact that all this "can't wait to kiss you and Become One" stuff with a complete stranger (and he is a complete stranger, whatever you think you know about his "public persona") didn't make you clamp up tighter than a spooked oyster is... Really worrying.

@Respectabitch

I joked it was like he fell from the sky. He kept saying the universe brought us together, it is meant to be. I know this sounds crazy. I just couldn't believe my luck, honestly. I was like wow God sent me the man of my dreams and I didin't have to look.

Um. I think your instincts on not dating right now are right. Because, I'm sorry, you come off as really needy as well as naive. The fact that all this "can't wait to kiss you and Become One" stuff with a complete stranger (and he is a complete stranger, whatever you think you know about his "public persona") didn't make you clamp up tighter than a spooked oyster is... Really worrying.

Sorry OP but I agree with this, it sounds like you're vulnerable to idealising and romanticising people very, very early on at the moment which is a vulnerable headspace to be in.

@Respectabitch

I joked it was like he fell from the sky. He kept saying the universe brought us together, it is meant to be. I know this sounds crazy. I just couldn't believe my luck, honestly. I was like wow God sent me the man of my dreams and I didin't have to look.

Um. I think your instincts on not dating right now are right. Because, I'm sorry, you come off as really needy as well as naive. The fact that all this "can't wait to kiss you and Become One" stuff with a complete stranger (and he is a complete stranger, whatever you think you know about his "public persona") didn't make you clamp up tighter than a spooked oyster is... Really worrying.

I come off as needy and naive? Wouldn't that make it seem like he does? I was just reciprocating. And there were lapses in texting - I wasn't texting back right away. Sometimes it took hours. I think had I responded to him wishing me a good Sunday, and texting him today to ask why he went quiet or to even ask if he was feeling better - would look more needy.

I come off as needy and naive? Wouldn't that make it seem like he does? I was just reciprocating

He knew he was talking bollocks. You believed it.

It's not what you said so much as the fact that you genuinely invested and didn't realise this was basically him emotionally wanking.

I'm not saying this to hurt you. I realise it stings. But if you don't have the boundaries right now to realise what he was doing, you are so so vulnerable and really need to stay away from these situations.

Idealising and romanticising I can accept, but I think needy is a stretch. I was having fun, the attention was nice.

I’d call it idealising and romanticising too. Not necessarily needy, just rushing in a bit and believing his flowery words.

It sounds a bit like he love bombed you.
It sucks and I hope you are ok

Public figures... Kim? is that you? You havent divorced Kanye yet bro...

@MusicWithRocksIn1t

It sounds a bit like he love bombed you. It sucks and I hope you are ok

Yes he most definitely did! It sucks, I'm pretty bummed, but I'm glad I didn't respond to his "Have a lovely Sunday my new friend" text, and I'm glad I haven't texted him today asking how he's feeling or how is day is going. I have not been initiating any of our conversations, and I definitely will not be now.

I think you are vulnerable because you were very receptive to his pretty blatant love bombing.

You did get ahead of yourself in agreeing to wait for a man you've never met and have know just a few days.

I'm glad you've blocked him and maybe if there is a next time take a deep breath and step back a bit.

Also, if someone seems too good to be true they are.

I would be thankful he didnt mean any of it.
Why did you not feel creeped out or block right away?
I wouldn't be disappointed... just relieved.

Telling a man you dont even know you will wait for him

What a prick, he sounds like a con artist to me.

@Minnie16889

I would be thankful he didnt mean any of it. Why did you not feel creeped out or block right away? I wouldn't be disappointed... just relieved.

Telling a man you dont even know you will wait for him

I wasn't creeped out because he's hot. And because I fell for his BS.

OP, agreeing to ‘wait’ for a man you’ve never met, and regarding basic sleazebag stuff about wanting to feel you and ‘become one’ as evidence that God sent you the man of your dreams is pretty much the dictionary definition of ‘gullible’.

@MilkMoon

OP, agreeing to ‘wait’ for a man you’ve never met, and regarding basic sleazebag stuff about wanting to feel you and ‘become one’ as evidence that God sent you the man of your dreams is pretty much the dictionary definition of ‘gullible’.

I never disputed being gullible. I disputed being needy.

@percheron67

What is FYI?

I think it's For Your Information!

OP you are getting a weirdly hard time on here in my honest opinion. Lots of people chat to strangers on-line with a view to meeting up with them - that’s how internet dating works! And if you are both enjoying it you are perfectly entitled to spend as much time doing it as you like, (there is a global pandemic after all - there’s fuck all else to do for some of us) and be as flirty as you are both comfortable with.

I do feel some of his messages (the “becoming one” for example) sound a bit cringily phrased, and that would put me off personally, but it’s not crime of the century - I don’t think it renders him a total weirdo. And he did admit to being drunk when he wrote it, so maybe he is not usually like that. My now boyfriend and I laugh about a few of the late night messages which we sent to each other before we met in person, which were occasionally quite audacious when we just got carried away, (and neither of us are weirdos I don’t think) and say, God what if we had met and not fancied each other at all. But, we would have styled it out I am sure - no great harm would have been done.

The “waiting for him” message isn’t very clear really, but anyway he admitted to being drunk when he sent it, so I wouldn’t over-think that one either really.

If I were you I wouldn’t message him again but I wouldn’t block either - I would wait to see if he gets in touch. Maybe something has happened to him in real life that has taken over his thoughts at the moment - these are strange times after all. But equally I would accept he may just have changed his mind about you (sorry, I know that’s shit and disappointing) and I would try not to think about him too much.

And you don’t sound needy, gullible or unready for dating to me - you sound like a normal person who is a bit confused by somebody else’s seemingly contradictory behaviour, and asking for other’s thoughts on a forum designed for that purpose.

Agree with Lovelydiscusfish

@Lovelydiscusfish

OP you are getting a weirdly hard time on here in my honest opinion. Lots of people chat to strangers on-line with a view to meeting up with them - that’s how internet dating works! And if you are both enjoying it you are perfectly entitled to spend as much time doing it as you like, (there is a global pandemic after all - there’s fuck all else to do for some of us) and be as flirty as you are both comfortable with.

I do feel some of his messages (the “becoming one” for example) sound a bit cringily phrased, and that would put me off personally, but it’s not crime of the century - I don’t think it renders him a total weirdo. And he did admit to being drunk when he wrote it, so maybe he is not usually like that. My now boyfriend and I laugh about a few of the late night messages which we sent to each other before we met in person, which were occasionally quite audacious when we just got carried away, (and neither of us are weirdos I don’t think) and say, God what if we had met and not fancied each other at all. But, we would have styled it out I am sure - no great harm would have been done.

The “waiting for him” message isn’t very clear really, but anyway he admitted to being drunk when he sent it, so I wouldn’t over-think that one either really.

If I were you I wouldn’t message him again but I wouldn’t block either - I would wait to see if he gets in touch. Maybe something has happened to him in real life that has taken over his thoughts at the moment - these are strange times after all. But equally I would accept he may just have changed his mind about you (sorry, I know that’s shit and disappointing) and I would try not to think about him too much.

And you don’t sound needy, gullible or unready for dating to me - you sound like a normal person who is a bit confused by somebody else’s seemingly contradictory behaviour, and asking for other’s thoughts on a forum designed for that purpose.

Thank you so much for your encouraging reply. I too thought the feedback was a little...strange? I have been married for 11 years, together with him for 15. Love bombing was just not a thing when I was dating. I looked up stories of love bombing and was surprised to see this happens to so many women. Women of all ages. The guy will come on strong and then pull back. Then will come back and hoover. Rinse. Cycle. Repeat.

I am starting to think I dodged a bullet here to be quite honest. He told me he was in a relationship for 10 years, never married. This alone was a red flag for me. I did not block him, but I did unfriend him. I was like yeah buddy we are not friends after that....

I have no plans to contact him. I'm just going to cut my losses on this one.

So update - he messaged me this morning first thing. Bright and early. He said "Hey there haven't heard from you in a while and wanted to check in. Hope you have an amazing Tuesday!". I responded about 4 hours later, not to play games but I turned off notifications on my phone so I wouldn't be waiting around to hear a ding. I responded by telling him he left me confused and that I wasn't interested in playing games. And I said that games are why dating is not a priority for me. Ugh. I'm just going to buy a buzzy toy and date myself.

He’s a strange one, isn’t he! Do you think he’d had another drink? He’d definitely do your head in with his blowing hot and cold.