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Original poster

Think maybe he drinks too much...

74 replies

Nefilump · 11/01/2021 15:51

Regular poster, just a name change for this :)

So I've been seeing a chap for a short while (we've bubbled but dont live together) and I've noticed every time we hang out there is alcohol. I don't really drink often myself but will have the odd one whith him to be sociable.

But on average he'll get through at least a bottle of wine or three large bottles of beer (pints)
twice per week. And that's only the time I see him. I know he is a guy and a drinker so can hold more but I'm wondering if it should worry me? How much is alcoholic territory?

Other notes: he mentioned being a bigger drinker in the past. I also am staring to feel i cant buy booze in just to have incase I fancy a tipple one night, because it'll get drank. I should mention - I'm not saying he just comes and drinks my stuff because he pays his share food/drink wise too. But its just I'm an occasional drinker where as he's more like I was in student days and it's a mismatch.

Otherwise he is warm and respectful and attentive. And I'm not looking for anything serious anytime soon (as in marriage or kids) just company. Gosh knows we all need that in these times.

But...thoughts? Something I need to keep an eye on perhaps? Should I bring it up with him? I dont want to touch a nerve if he struggled with it in the past. But I also worry that if times were hard for him again, he may turn more to drink again. And that's just not something I want involved with tbh.

But maybe I'm just being extra...extra lol.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/01/2021 15:55

If you don't have any in, what happens?

Original poster
Nefilump · 11/01/2021 15:56

He brings stuff.

I won't be buying more in whilst I monitor the situation anyway though.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/01/2021 15:58

Just say to him. It’s a big thing for you don’t want to start this to develop further as fundamentally you might not be compatible. See if he can stay off it. If he can’t then at least you know what you’re dealing with.

FippertyGibbett · 11/01/2021 16:00

My DH drinks a bottle of wine a night.
If I met a man now and he drank as much as my DH I would walk away.

Gunpowder · 11/01/2021 16:02

I’d walk away before it got serious tbh.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 11/01/2021 16:04

I don’t think drinking two bottles of wine a week is a lot if I’m honest, I wouldn’t call that problem territory!

FippertyGibbett · 11/01/2021 16:06

I read it to mean that he drinks a bottle of wine on the two nights he sees the OP. Therefore he’s probably drinking the same on the other 5 nights.

MrsMando · 11/01/2021 16:08

I don't think 2 bottles of wine a week is a lot?

pog100 · 11/01/2021 16:08

A bottle of wine a night is well above the guidelines. It is, unfortunately, not unusual. If it really is every night then it is potentially health threatening and also smacks of habitual/addictive drinking. I would gently probe if what he drinks when he is with you is more, or less, then his normal for a night. Then you need to make your mind up what's ok with you. How old is he?

pointythings · 11/01/2021 16:08

Not enough information to assess whether or not he is alcohol dependent, but ultimately if you aren't comfortable with him drinking as much as he does, the relationship is not one that has a future.

Original poster
Nefilump · 11/01/2021 16:11

Yeh I don't know how much he drinks when not here but occasionally he'll say something out if the blue like 'looked after my brothers dogs for the weekend so he's given me some beers'. And it sorta makes me wonder if he is just making convo...or if he is trying to justify it to me (or himself?) But that may be me overthinking.

OP posts:
AmywithanL · 11/01/2021 16:12

My ex drinks every evening,’or he did when he was off work and at mine. He drinks ipa mostly and would go through at least 7 bottles a night. Im not sure if he drinks whilst hes working ( he works in the army) i wouldnt think he would go through so much if he did but I bet he would have at least 1 or 2 bottles or cans

Original poster
Nefilump · 11/01/2021 16:13

The bottle of wine is the minimum on those evenings. And baring in mind he talked of struggling with drink in the past.

OP posts:
FippertyGibbett · 11/01/2021 16:15

It’s up to you to decide if it’s a deal breaker or not.
And he will probably promise to cut down/ stop like my DH. And he hasn’t.

FidgetWonkham · 11/01/2021 16:20

Pretty sure this is a reverse? 🤔

Do you think you drink too much for a ‘chap’???

Original poster
Nefilump · 11/01/2021 16:23

Its definately not a deal breaker as is. It's more a 'I need to keep an eye on this/see if we can do alchohol free dates' situation as pps have suggested.

I mean as I said, I'm not really a drinker so it may seem more to me that most too. I'm not bothered by his drinking persay as long as it's not the tip of a larger iceberg. And I'm not sure how to spot if it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nefilump · 11/01/2021 16:25

Not a reverse lol. Guess it could work as one too but no lol.

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 11/01/2021 16:27

Can he NOT drink when he comes over? Does HAVE to drink something to relax?. It nice to enjoy a drink to be sociable but to NEED it is a different kettle of fish. I would be concerned that he always felt the need to drink a bottle of wine when he was with me. Like my company wasn’t enough for him. My XH never drank. He never felt the need to and I got used to that. I dated a guy afterwards who always had to have a drink, whether out or at home. Even though he didn’t appear to be drunk, he couldn’t remember conversations we’d had the night before or he’d forget to lock up or put the dog out to toilet. He’d argue that I never asked him to. I quickly realised he was alcohol dependent. I finished it as soon as it became apparent. I would say go with your instinct OP. If you have a gut feeling it’s a problem walk away now. A drinkers priority in life will always be the drink first.

FidgetWonkham · 11/01/2021 16:27

Sorry @Nefilump just seemed like it to me!

AmywithanL · 11/01/2021 16:28

I would just keep your eye on it pp. have you talked to him about it?

Wolfiefan · 11/01/2021 16:29

Regularly drinking a bottle of wine at a time would be a red flag for me.
He has already told you he used to “struggle” with drink. So he has a problem.
You keeping an eye or mentioning it won’t make the blindest bit of difference.
Do you want someone with a drink problem as a partner?

Original poster
Nefilump · 11/01/2021 16:35

@Wolfiefan

Regularly drinking a bottle of wine at a time would be a red flag for me. He has already told you he used to “struggle” with drink. So he has a problem. You keeping an eye or mentioning it won’t make the blindest bit of difference. Do you want someone with a drink problem as a partner?
See that's my worry. Though tbf he didnt say struggle, just that he used to drink a lot more when he was in a difficult place mentally. And that to me implies alcohol struggle. But that could be me adding 2+2 and getting 4.5.
OP posts:
Treacletreacle · 11/01/2021 16:38

I would say be careful my ex boyfriend was a big drinker and I know it sounds stupid but I didn't notice it right away. He would say it was a special offer to buy more cans etc then make out he was doing something nice for me to buy some for me. When I never drank at home so of course he would drink the ones meant for me as well. I literally didn't notice until I had a workman at my flat and he asked me if I had a party the night before as he saw the cans waiting to be recycled and I realised that was a normal night. As your not together all the time you can't see what his actual usage is but I would question if he is drinking alcohol every time you see him.

Original poster
Nefilump · 11/01/2021 16:38

And hell I had a horrible relationship with booze in my teens but it didnt make me an alcoholic...or maybe it did lol but I got over it.

It's more a worry that it might be his coping method to drink more if times get tough for him y'know...

OP posts:
Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 11/01/2021 16:39

When compared to the NHS recommendations of 14 units, if he is drinking 2 full bottles of wine minimum a week that's 16 units. So that alone is above the recommendation for good health. And he may be drinking more. That being said I know plenty of people who drink more than that. Personally it seems excessive but then I don't drink much. Over time that level of drinking could cause health problems. He may well be a functioning alcoholic if he's drinking a couple more bottles through the week but you don't know that. I guess only you know whether it's a deal breaker for you.