Think maybe he drinks too much...

[Nefilump]

Regular poster, just a name change for this :)

So I've been seeing a chap for a short while (we've bubbled but dont live together) and I've noticed every time we hang out there is alcohol. I don't really drink often myself but will have the odd one whith him to be sociable.

But on average he'll get through at least a bottle of wine or three large bottles of beer (pints)
twice per week. And that's only the time I see him. I know he is a guy and a drinker so can hold more but I'm wondering if it should worry me? How much is alcoholic territory?

Other notes: he mentioned being a bigger drinker in the past. I also am staring to feel i cant buy booze in just to have incase I fancy a tipple one night, because it'll get drank. I should mention - I'm not saying he just comes and drinks my stuff because he pays his share food/drink wise too. But its just I'm an occasional drinker where as he's more like I was in student days and it's a mismatch.

Otherwise he is warm and respectful and attentive. And I'm not looking for anything serious anytime soon (as in marriage or kids) just company. Gosh knows we all need that in these times.

But...thoughts? Something I need to keep an eye on perhaps? Should I bring it up with him? I dont want to touch a nerve if he struggled with it in the past. But I also worry that if times were hard for him again, he may turn more to drink again. And that's just not something I want involved with tbh.

But maybe I'm just being extra...extra lol.

It seems like more of a concern that you're having a relationship with him but can't talk to him about it. If your relationship is casual, it doesn't matter, unless his drinking is having a direct effect on the relationship. If it's not casual, you ought to feel you can talk to him, even if you think your concerns might be silly.

What's stopping you talking to him about it?

I know he holds down a full time job but of course as pp said there are functioning alchoholics.

Ugh it's hard to know.
Oh and sorry I just realised I didn't answer, he's 27.

I think I will just keep watch on things for now.
We enjoy each others company but if it gets to the point where I'm unhappy or theres drama or if it becomes clear that it is a NEED and not a want for him, then i will walk. When the fun stop stop as they say lol.

It doesn't sound like a huge problem to me, but if you are uncomfortable with it, then it's too much. The big issue to me sounds like you are on different pages re how much is too much ... that difference in itself suggests you aren't wholly compatible.

Hi Op
He has allready mentioned he has had a drinking prob and any stressful situation he can't cope with he is likely to do this.

You have to go with gut reaction
Op
Do you want to live alcholic addled dependent

Does his mood change when he is pissed then?
Become bit argumentive/Judgemental etc
Or is he a happy drinker or drunk then?
Does he spend quite a lot on drink then?
Its up to you in the day if you want to be with a drinker and the lifestyle go with it.
Does his skin pores stink of Alcohol then?😕

Does he acctract Drama of any sort or enjoy being part of histronics /toxic dramas and drinking buddies friends who are emotionally unstable etc?

I always intend to talk to him but then we have such a nice evening it seems like it would be a buzz kill to bring it up. He is pretty easy to talk to though so I could

But perhaps its not wise to alert someone to the fact you think they have a drink problem if they then might just hide it from you better to be fair. Best to just keep watch on it for now I think. But if need be I'll have a 'could we just not drink' chat and see how that goes.

Hi Op Oops he your boyfriend said in the past he has had drinking problem
That's a Big red flag there allready.
Like the size of Russian communist flag...
😕

@Nefilump

I always intend to talk to him but then we have such a nice evening it seems like it would be a buzz kill to bring it up. He is pretty easy to talk to though so I could

But perhaps its not wise to alert someone to the fact you think they have a drink problem if they then might just hide it from you better to be fair. Best to just keep watch on it for now I think. But if need be I'll have a 'could we just not drink' chat and see how that goes.

Sounds like you’re scared to rock the boat op. That’s never a good way to start a relationship. When someone displays behaviour that makes you uncomfortable then pretending it doesn’t, the kind of dick at any cost mentality usually ends up in a huge mistake.

You are completely entitled to have your own boundaries and opinions regarding how much is too much.

However to me it doesn't sound like a huge amount. If he was drinking that amount every night then yes it's a problem but twice a week isn't really a lot. It's probably only just slightly over the NHS weekly recommendation considering a bottle of wine is about 9 units?

Without TAAT I started a discussion about drinking and was told a few times that a bottle of wine in one night is an awful lot. But really it's 3 large glasses. And over the course of a full evening it really isn't much in terms of volume.

But that's just my take on it. If you're not comfortable with something he does then maybe you're just not compatible.

No drama whatsoever. And the drink doesn't seem to affect him negatively at all.

Lockdown means that I can't meet his friends group atm unfortunately. He isn't a 'jack the lad' though from what I've seen.

If a whole bottle of wine isn’t affecting him it’s because he has a tolerance.
If he uses alcohol when “in a bad place” that suggests a very unhealthy relationship with it.

Totally not scared of conflict or rocking the boat lol. It's just it's all new (4 month) and nice atm and I'm enjoying it. I just know its important to remain vigilant so I'm questioning how much is too much and red flags around boozing.

You can have a poor relationship with alcohol without being an alcoholic. I think it might be a good sign that he was obviously self-aware enough to know he had a problem, and to bring it up with you rather than hiding it - and that he hasn't had to go full cold turkey like a full-blown alcoholic might. Presumably what he drinks now is a significant reduction from what he used to drink.

Also a good sign if his behaviour doesn't change massively when he drinks.

From what you describe I'd say he drinks above average but not into worrying territory. But I think I'd be a little alert with those amounts every time, while you're not drinking at all.

Perhaps you could talk about your own past with alcohol, and mention what he said about his past? Not in an interrogation way, but as a kind of bond that will help you learn a bit more about him and his attitude to booze.

@Nefilump

I always intend to talk to him but then we have such a nice evening it seems like it would be a buzz kill to bring it up. He is pretty easy to talk to though so I could

But perhaps its not wise to alert someone to the fact you think they have a drink problem if they then might just hide it from you better to be fair. Best to just keep watch on it for now I think. But if need be I'll have a 'could we just not drink' chat and see how that goes.

This doesn't sound good. 'Oh, never mind that I'm uncomfortable... I wouldn't like to spoil things on account of my petty little boundaries... I'm a bit worried, but lets just brush that under the carpet until you do something horrid...'

You're boundaries are VERY important, OP. If something is making you uncomfortable about somebody, you either raise it, or you keep your distance. Something is making your hackles stand up, here, and something else in you is making you minimise that.

If it wasn't bothering you, you wouldn't be posting on MN about it, would you?

Yeah those are my thoughts Gannett (your first paragraph anyway).

I have talked with him about how I misused it when younger too infact :) and other struggles. He is really easy to talk to and I'm sure would discuss things with me more if I prompted.

Hi Op
You sound level headed about stuff and emotionally intelligent
Like you said aslong as its not affecting him or yourself/or the relantship in a negative way,
And there isn't any Toxic Dramas/histornics or unstable emotionally abusive toxic friends Dramas going on.
Then thats ok.

Like you said
"To just keep on eye on things"etc.
See how things pan out
Hopefully things work out good for both of you in this relantship.

As someone who used to be married to an alcoholic I would say two things:

1. Be careful, because it’s easy to drink more because he is drinking. The next thing you know your drinking has increased significantly and alcohol becomes the central feature of your time together.

1. Drinking minimum a bottle of wine while the person you’re with isn’t drinking screams problem drinker to me. Yeah fair enough once in a blue moon, but every time you see him?

I think your instincts are dead right about him OP, it’s up to you what you do with those reservations.

Also a good sign if his behaviour doesn't change massively when he drinks

Or a sign of high tolerance shown by many addicts and problem drinkers. It's not a symptom of health if you can drink a whole bottle of wine without getting squiffy.

Thing is, while you’re ‘watching’ and trying to decide, from the outside, whether he still has a drinking problem, you’re still in the relationship, likely getting more into him, investing more time etc. The risks / future ‘costs’ to you vs walking away now.

Red flag that he’s admitted to problem drinking in the past and probably drinks well over the NHS recommended max now. And that he drinks lots of units even on ordinary dates / when at home with you.

Well, the truth is that I'm happy when single and would far rather be single than tolerate an asshole. I trust myself to walk away if there were any nastiness. That to me is my main boundary - treat me right and we're fine. Treat me wrong and it's out the door with ya.

But because I have no experience with alchoholics (not saying he is or ever was one) I think its wise to get some sage mumsnet advice on things to just keep an eye out for. Just incase.

Of course I dont want to end up tolerating shit I shouldnt just because boundary one isnt compromised though. So I'm just preemptively taking everything I can into consideration.

To be honest at 27 a lot of people haven't really settled into an established relationship with alcohol. It could go either way. You seem to be able to communicate with him and he seems decent, I think it's a good time in your relationship and a good age for him to seriously consider what he's doing with it. Some people don't realise they are becoming dependent and need a bit of a challenge to recognise it. I would gently suggest a dry day/week/month and see how he reacts. Your input could be just what he needs.

Yes @Dozer this has crossed my mind.

I may have to break my little heart and walk away at some point. But I would choose to do that ten times over if it meant being free of any kind of oppression or headfuckery or similar bullshit lol (have dive it before and would do it again). And all relationships risk heartbreak tbf. So I'm worried that I'm taking a risk because well, i am. But I'm hoping it's a measured risk. I know that if any nastiness reared itself, I'd be off like a bat outa hell. I'm pretty flighty and lone wolfy lol.

When he said he used to drink more I wouldn't necessarily take that to be a warning sign, unless there was more to it? When I was younger and single I was out drinking most nights, loads more than I do now. That was just a stage in my life though and there's nothing to suggest I'd ever 'revert' to that.

I think the key is whether he's drinking that amount every night or just when he's 'socialising' ie: with you. And whether he can go without.

It's a shame that at the current time you can't suggest a date activity that rules out drinking, to see how he reacts.

Perhaps he's still nervous around you if it's not been long, and is clumsily trying to take the edge off?

OP I think there are two things here: 1. IF (and I totally get you have no idea) he is also drinking that much on the nights you’re not with him, he is drinking way, too much and easily enough to see him enter addiction territory. 2. He has admitted a problem of some kind in the past. Those two things really don’t go together. Someone who has addressed a problem does not continue at those levels.

None of us can say if this is a problem and it might never become one. BUT, I would warn you that this is how my exH started and it didn’t end at all well for him (or me and our children). So, my recommendation: remain wary and if he crosses your boundaries, walk away. Keep those boundaries very firm. It is very very easy for his heavy drinking to become familiar and then your boundaries can easily slide without you realising it.

Fingers crossed you are worrying unnecessarily.

I think the drinking does affect him, just not 'negatively'. But it's a fair point that I should keep watch on that.

I think it's easier to be swayed to sin than it is to be influenced towards the light if I'm honest. But hopefully we can both be good influences on eachother in areas where the other may lack :)

I could definately see how someone could develop a drink habit by being with someone who drinks a lot so I I'll be mindful of that, thanks to the poster who mentioned.

Thanks all btw, sorry I'm not replying to you all but I am listening and considering everyones voice.

Just out of curiosity is he ex-army?

I ask because my dp was in the army for 19 years and has carried on his 'traditions' from his past career in that when he is off work he will drink as much as he feels like; this can be anything from 10-24 cans of lager to a whole bottle of whiskey. However if he has work the next day or puts his name down for overtime he will not touch a drop the night before. I never used to like the drinking at the beginning but totally understand that it was his way of living for 19 years. Sometimes he can binge drink for 3 nights straight and other weeks it may be just once