Think maybe he drinks too much...

[Nefilump]

Regular poster, just a name change for this :)

So I've been seeing a chap for a short while (we've bubbled but dont live together) and I've noticed every time we hang out there is alcohol. I don't really drink often myself but will have the odd one whith him to be sociable.

But on average he'll get through at least a bottle of wine or three large bottles of beer (pints)
twice per week. And that's only the time I see him. I know he is a guy and a drinker so can hold more but I'm wondering if it should worry me? How much is alcoholic territory?

Other notes: he mentioned being a bigger drinker in the past. I also am staring to feel i cant buy booze in just to have incase I fancy a tipple one night, because it'll get drank. I should mention - I'm not saying he just comes and drinks my stuff because he pays his share food/drink wise too. But its just I'm an occasional drinker where as he's more like I was in student days and it's a mismatch.

Otherwise he is warm and respectful and attentive. And I'm not looking for anything serious anytime soon (as in marriage or kids) just company. Gosh knows we all need that in these times.

But...thoughts? Something I need to keep an eye on perhaps? Should I bring it up with him? I dont want to touch a nerve if he struggled with it in the past. But I also worry that if times were hard for him again, he may turn more to drink again. And that's just not something I want involved with tbh.

But maybe I'm just being extra...extra lol.

If he treats you well enjoy the relationship. No need to move in or commit any time soon.

You haven't given us enough info to judge whether he has a problem with alcohol, but a 27 year old drinking a bottle of wine on dates sounds totally normal to me (if he's doing it every day that's different of course). DH and I are both big drinkers and would both drink that much when we were dating.

The problem is probably just that you're not compatible, but you need to have an honest conversation with him to really find out. I'd be wary of asking him to drink less than he wants to though as that may cause more problems than it solves - resentment, lying, etc.

OP, question:

Are you already contemplating tolerating more drinking than you would have previously found too much?

The answer to that question is yes, your last few posts have been explaining how you intend to do just that.

This is where it starts OP, this is what boundaries falling down looks like. Ignore it at your own peril.

It might be an area of incompatibility but not to the point where it would break the relationship. I mean, it isnt harming me and I certainly wouldnt tell him not to drink. Though I may have to have a chat with him about some things like not wanting to drink with him ect.

Definately no moving in together lol. I'm not really sure I'd ever want to live with a partner again tbh.

Nope, not ex army pp. But it's interesting that some professions might foster that mindset.

This is where it starts OP, this is what boundaries falling down looks like. Ignore it at your own peril

That's what I'm thinking too. You've posted because you felt uncomfortable, and now, when asked about it, you'll say anything you can to deny being uncomfortable. He's not affected by the bottle of wine/oh, well, yes, of course he is affected by the bottle of wine.

Anybody who's posting on a forum with an issue about a relationship when it's only just started isn't responding appropriately to their own boundaries. You need to listen to you, and the ringing bells.

If he was an alcoholic, then he is an alcoholic.

I think it might be a good sign that he was obviously self-aware enough to know he had a problem, and to bring it up with you rather than hiding it - and that he hasn't had to go full cold turkey like a full-blown alcoholic might. Presumably what he drinks now is a significant reduction from what he used to drink.
I disagree with this, because alcoholics lie to themselves and others - they may easily say "I used to have a problem, but I've got it under control now". So "being able" to keep drinking is not a sign that he has a handle on it. They tend to set times & targets, and do a lot of thinking about when their next drink is.

Does he seem to have a need to finish the bottle?

For me (and I accept that everyone is different) that’s a lot if it’s every night, but it’s within the bounds of normal for a date/social occasion. (For a large man, anyway - I’d be under the table!). I think lockdown has made this sort of thing more common, because there aren’t the usual other social options available- eg going to the theatre or to see a film, or to play a sport. I know we’ve been drinking a lot more at home; it’s nice to open a bottle of wine and have a chat. So I don’t think I’d be unduly concerned.

I'm not tolerating more than I think is too much because I dont know how much too much is for a man, who is a drinker. He doesn't have to be the same as me on stuff like that. In the same way as if he were a smoker and me a non smoker. It isn't really violating any of my boundaries. If I don't like it I can leave him to it.

Is it a problem for me he is drinking this much? No. At least not atm. Perhaps if it stays at this constant.

Though tbf I guess it is a violation of my boundaries if he drinks booze I buy to savor. But then if I don't tell him that then how is he supposed to know tbf. That probably just a case of having to have a 'hey, I don't drink as much as you so in future, just bring booze for yourself and in turn, keep off my red vino' convo.

No, he'll frequently leave bottles unfinished.

You said “ it’s important to be vigilant”..but it’s not your place really is it four months into a relationship?
If his behaviour is making you uncomfortable then you have every right to speak up and ultimately walk away. But you shouldn’t be having to monitor anything. He is an adult and has to take responsibility and you also have no control over this.
There so much detail you/ we are not party to that none of us can or should be diagnosing a stranger as an alcoholic etc. but it doesn’t sound whether or not his drinking is a problem for him, it’s certainly a problem for you.

Read the first part my prior post pp. Itll save me rewriting lol. I have no desire to police his drinking. His drinking isn't a problem for me (at least currently).

Is your response to me? I was just commenting with regard to what you said up thread
just know its important to remain vigilant so I'm questioning how much is too much and red flags around boozing.

There's something imbalanced... I can't quite place it... Surely if you think he's drinking too much, you can just look at the recommended guidelines on units, but it's not that, is it. It's touching a nerve for you, somehow, and yet you don't want to touch a nerve with him.

You're posting that his drinking isn't a problem for you, and yet you've posted on a forum to see whether is should be... Something's wrong with the picture and I can't quite put it into words. It's not about his drinking, it's about your concern and your abject dismissal of it. Do you see what I'm getting at? (I'm not surprised if you don't, since I can't explain it properly!)

@MrsGrindah

Is your response to me? I was just commenting with regard to what you said up thread just know its important to remain vigilant so I'm questioning how much is too much and red flags around boozing.

Yes but I'm not telling him what isn't and ok. By 'remaining vigalent' I mean protecting myself, not policing his behaviour.

@Eckhart

There's something imbalanced... I can't quite place it... Surely if you think he's drinking too much, you can just look at the recommended guidelines on units, but it's not that, is it. It's touching a nerve for you, somehow, and yet you don't want to touch a nerve with him.

You're posting that his drinking isn't a problem for you, and yet you've posted on a forum to see whether is should be... Something's wrong with the picture and I can't quite put it into words. It's not about his drinking, it's about your concern and your abject dismissal of it. Do you see what I'm getting at? (I'm not surprised if you don't, since I can't explain it properly!)

Probably because I'm starting to sound like I'm denying it too much lol th lady des protest and all that. But it's just because I have to keep responding to ppl saying it's a problem for me when it really isnt. It's just that it might be in the future if he is drinking the same elsewhere too ect... but I'm starting to sound short with ppl cause I keep having to say the reason for the post lol.

But anyway, thanks guys and to all who took the time to help out. You are all marvelous. I will take my leave now and return to my usual name here so wont be back. Have a good night everyone!

I think it's that you've posted 'Is there a problem..?' and then met anyone who's said 'yes, possibly' with such defense. It's like

OP: I think maybe my boyfriend drinks too much, I feel a bit uncomfortable and worried about it
MN: Yes, it sounds like he does drink too much
OP: NO HE DOESN'T!!

I wonder if you were hoping to be met with a bunch of responses that said 'Just one bottle a night? Oh, that's nothing, he sounds smashing!'

Pretty sure I've not said isnt or is too much. At any point. Ive consistently said I dont know how much is too much.

You’ve made a couple of comments about drinking and ‘nastiness’.

A person with a substance issue whose behaviour, after a lot of booze (or weed, or whatever drug) and during a hangover, always seems ‘nice’ will often still experience negative impacts from their consumption, also affecting people around them. Eg being tired, ill a lot with minor things, weight gain, dental problems, choosing the substance over other options (such as sex, hobbies, work, study, socialising with people who consume less).

.

Only to say no nastiness is present.

But I do take your point about the other stuff being possible if there turns out to be a substance problem.

**But the substance problem would be enough on its own for me to bolt if it turns out to be the case of course.

Ive consistently said I dont know how much is too much.

I think quite a lot of posters have tried to help you with this by pointing out that IF he is drinking that much every night then it is way too much and certainly enough to induce addiction if it continues (or might indicate he is already there).

If he is only drinking this much on date night, it’s unlikely to be a problem for him at this stage, though you might decide it is for you.

Also, swiping booze you have put aside is a big red flag. At worst it could be an indication of a problem. At best it is bad manners.

@Nefilump

Pretty sure I've not said isnt or is too much. At any point. Ive consistently said I dont know how much is too much.

That's the kind of defense I'm talking about. It wasn't meant to be a direct quote of what you've specifically said.

Too much is how much you deem to be too much. Or an amount that affects a person in negative ways. Or exceeding the recommended units. Or an amount that makes those you care about feel uncomfortable. Or any or all of the above, and probably some others I've not thought of.

If you are questioning whether he drinks 'too much', then he's drinking enough to trigger a response in you, and yet you are not comfortable enough to talk to him directly about it. He drinks your own booze without checking with you, and you don't like it, and you're not comfortable enough to talk to him directly about it.

There is something wrong here, and it may not be his drinking. He's stepping on your boundaries and he doesn't even know.