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Original poster

Bf moving in during for lockdown only, should he pay bills?!

81 replies

katiie3 · 11/01/2021 12:50

Hi everyone

My bf and I are both single households ( no children) and live on our own.

He asked me during this third lockdown, if he could move into mine (my house is more accessible and there are more rooms to work from home for both of us)

So he is moving in until April/may until lockdown is reviewed again.

We haven’t discussed bills. I think he should contribute towards the utility bills as he will be working from home too etc

How do I approach this?

OP posts:
NovemberR · 11/01/2021 21:14

I'd expect half the costs if he's staying. Bills and food.

There's nowhere else you get to stay for free with a token effort at paying your way. He's asked to move in because it's bigger and better than his place! And to be honest, if he's mortgage free I'd probably be saying, how much rent were you thinking of contributing...?

We're not talking staying over for a week like visitors! He seems to be thinking of moving in for three months.

Grin
2020quelhorreur · 11/01/2021 21:17

He can’t just switch everything off at his house, and your bills won’t go up by much. As it’s a two month thing, I would split food but wouldn’t bother about the rest of it? You’re not going to be heating your house any differently, are you?

mathanxiety · 11/01/2021 21:20

The fact that he didn't offer at the time he asked to move in is a big red flag.

I hope I'm wrong, but you may have a sponger on your hands.

I would be inclined to tell him he can't move in. You seem too unassertive to deal with someone who seems very inclined to take the piss. I don't think you will ever get him out in April or thereafter.

Do you feel you can say no, OP? Because if you don't, then you shouldn't let him move in. Quite a conundrum.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/01/2021 21:26

Will the constant TV watching and Xbox playing until all hours be happening at your house? Or does he only do that when he's at his home?

mathanxiety · 11/01/2021 21:27

He watches TV all day and plays x box late into the night.

Yet his house is paid off? How exactly did he manage that? Does he work?

I have a strong suspicion that he expects you to do all the housework, cooking, laundry, and clearing and tidying while he puts his feet up.

Say No. He can spend his days and nights doing sfa in his own house.

gannett · 11/01/2021 21:35

someone who seems very inclined to take the piss

Once again I wonder whether MNers ever do anything out of kindness to someone they actually like, or whether every single fucking thing is a transaction whereby if the other person benefits even slightly, they've lost out and it all has to be spreadsheeted and accounted for.

If you're going to treat a partner like an unwelcome lodger and draw up a fully itemised profit-and-loss account where you keep an eagle eye on them to make sure they don't get a penny more than they're entitled to, what's the fucking point.

FWIW I'm obviously not advocating anyone lets a man take the piss. But if I can afford something why the hell would I begrudge sharing it with a friend or lover if it's mutually convenient for us? I once let a friend who was pretty down on her luck stay rent-free in my spare room for seven months and I bet you lot would have told me to invoice her afterwards for every penny she saved.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/01/2021 21:37

Your friend was down in her luck. OP's boyfriend has paid off his mortgage. Big difference.

gannett · 11/01/2021 21:47

What on earth does a paid-off mortgage have to do with a covid living arrangement?

Couples who don't live together are moving into whoever's house is bigger all over the place because it's easier during a pandemic. I know of four separate couples who've done this (and none of them were this hatchet-faced about who exactly was benefiting financially by a few quid). It means they don't have to travel across the city to the other's house - oh and it's also nicer for both of them because they actually enjoy each other's company. I note that while everyone's weighing up the finances of this move no one's acknowledged that the OP might be benefiting from having someone around whom she presumably likes.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/01/2021 21:53

I'm sure she does like him. But her thread's not about their feelings for one another. She's looking for advice on finances.

gannett · 11/01/2021 22:00

But whether you like (and trust) someone you're inviting to live with you does matter.

Back in my houseshare days or if I had a lodger I didn't know well there would be contracts and whatnot to ensure everyone was paying their fair share. An ad hoc arrangement with a friend or lover... I am not going to treat them like they're a "sponger" waiting to "take the piss" like half the posts here seem to advise.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/01/2021 22:09

Ok. 🙄

Rewis · 12/01/2021 00:02

Thus far the only information we have is that he asked about moving in together for the lockdown. Based on this information pp's have that he has no intention of contributing, he is a sponge, he just wants to play x-box and have op do everything, only reason he is suggesting moving in is that he can save money etc. That's quite a leap. Could be that he just loves her and wants to stay together during this lonely time and her place makes more sense.

How to approach it? Just talk to him. Ask him about how to split the bills while he is at yours. My bf moved in with me and the only utility bill that grew was water bill. It had minimal effect on electricity. There is no reason for him not to contribute and you are entitled to ask. His response will tell you a lot about him. Personally, I wouldn't charge for utilities but I would have him pay more for the food.

billy1966 · 12/01/2021 00:11

OP,
Don't allow someone to stay that you can't be honest with.

I think he should have offered too.

Is he usually generous or is he a bit tight with money.

If he is usually generous I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and just say lets let's split costs BUT if he is usually tight then why are you with him and be very careful of having a user in your home.

Norwolf · 12/01/2021 03:12

Do not shy away from this conversation. You need to tell him that if he moves in then he’ll have to contribute too, based on what you deem is fair for him to contribute towards.

Aprilx · 12/01/2021 05:48

I think charging for utilities is petty, the difference will be somewhere between zero and negligible as will the decrease on his own bills. I would expect 50:50 on food but that is it.

I am glad somebody mentioned lockdown will be reviewed in a few weeks, my heart nearly stopped when I read until April / May and I was wondering how I missed that!

HollowTalk · 12/01/2021 06:02

@katiie3

His house is paid off (no mortgage) he pays utilities bills at his house.

I have a mortgage, utilities bills etc

I don’t really watch much tv. I use my laptop for work etc but my bf watches tv more or less all day and he also plays Xbox a lot. Sometimes late night until 2/3am.

My water is on a meter so I’m charged for each use etc.

I feel like if he contributes towards the bills then it’s fair.

Would you be happy with the tv on constantly and him gaming so much? That would drive me crazy!
WhistledownsColumn · 12/01/2021 06:35

Going against the grain here but I wouldn’t charge and I’m really hard up. I’d be glad of the company, extra pair of hands around the place and if he did the occasional shop and paid for the odd takeaway I’d be happy. If I honestly thought he was going to be a drain, play Xbox and not lift a finger, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him at all.

Rewis · 12/01/2021 06:59

If the conversation where he asked was the first time he approach the subject I'm not surprised he didn't offer. It was just approaching the subject. I think most people ask something and then later agree on the details. Also, I wouldn't assume op cannot be honest with the bf. We sometimes get slightly weird about asking some things. This makes AIBU interesting. Obviously if op is scared to ask or she believers that he is taking advantage then there is no reason to continue the relationship.

About the tv thing. When I WFH alone I have Netflix/youtube on most of the day. When bf is here WFH I don't.

category12 · 12/01/2021 07:53

@WhistledownsColumn

Going against the grain here but I wouldn’t charge and I’m really hard up. I’d be glad of the company, extra pair of hands around the place and if he did the occasional shop and paid for the odd takeaway I’d be happy. If I honestly thought he was going to be a drain, play Xbox and not lift a finger, I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with him at all.
Good point. Although I would expect him to go halves on shopping. Cos blokes eat a lot and you tend to do more expensive meals when you're cooking for two than you would for one. Plus the toilet paper.
Dozer · 12/01/2021 07:57

Will your connectivity work for two people wfh?

Contribution to utility bills, although nothing like 50%, perhaps a fixed £X month - 20 or 30% maybe. Share food and alcohol costs 50/50, unless one of you hanitually spends substantially more than the other.

Veronika13 · 12/01/2021 09:30

Reminds me when I was moving in with my partner and furnishing the place, I didn’t know how to bring up that we need a toilet brush when discussing bathroom stuff Grin in the end I just said it, he didn’t hear so I had to say it louder. He just said: oh yeah..
Just needs to be done.

MixMatch · 12/01/2021 09:35

Why does he have to move in?

MixMatch · 12/01/2021 09:48

@mathanxiety

He watches TV all day and plays x box late into the night.

Yet his house is paid off? How exactly did he manage that? Does he work?

I have a strong suspicion that he expects you to do all the housework, cooking, laundry, and clearing and tidying while he puts his feet up.

Say No. He can spend his days and nights doing sfa in his own house.

Oh yes and this.

Even if she doesn't do all of it, I bet you anything he ends up benefitting from this arrangement much more than the OP. He knows that because it's her house she will end up doing most of the upkeep in practice. Form his perspective he gets a bigger house, more convenient sex, probably cheaper bills to pay, and a woman who will do a lot of the running about around him taking care of a lot of the cleaning and household demands. It's a no brainer why he asked the OP to move in.

So many men look for a woman who will perform "wifely" duties and comforts for them. While of course benefiting from not having the legal commitment of marriage. I wish more women would wise up to this.

category12 · 12/01/2021 10:12

I have the TV on more or less all day (for the noise/"company"), but I'm still working and bringing in an income. I also, shock horror Shock, do a fair bit of gaming. I don't think his habits in that direction necessarily mean he's a waster and potential cocklodger.

Original poster
katiie3 · 12/01/2021 11:36

His house is paid off because he bought it when he was 20 and has managed to pay it off a few years ago.

I will see if and how my utilities bills are affected when I receive my next bill. Then I could bring it up.

I agree with food, he is a big eater and enjoys his food so I do expect him to get some groceries and meals. At least for himself etc.

OP posts: