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Original poster

Do I just settle?

63 replies

LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 17:34

I’m not where I thought I would be in life.

3years ago I had a partner. We got on, he liked me, treated me well, made me laugh.
But I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
Not wanting to waste anyone’s time, I broke up with him.

3 years later and at 28years old, I am no closer to finding my perfect partner and the flipping pandemic hasn’t made things easier. I’m sick of being alone.

I want a relationship, marriage and eventually kids. I want a partner that I could enjoy life with, travel and experience things first.
I know I have many child bearing years ahead but ideally I would want to be with my partner for 5years before settling down and having children.
That doesn’t leave me much time.

I have recently reconnected with the guy and been on some socially distanced dates. I know that he would like to get back together.

Do I? He a nice guy. We get on fine. He would treat me nicely.

I’m just not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life and I’m worried.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2021 17:36

Would you want someone to settle for you? Doesn’t sound like a recipe for long term happiness.

Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 17:44

I guess not.
Without sounding big headed, I know he loves me and I would make him happy by being in a relationship with him.

I’m trying to convince myself that there is no such thing as ‘love at first sight’ and that eventually my feelings towards him will just turn on.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 10/01/2021 17:46

I don’t know about love at first sight but love that sweeps you off your feet, comforts, cherishes excites, inspires you is certainly possible.

user1493413286 · 10/01/2021 17:51

My issue with settling is what gets you through the bad times when things are hard and you’re having to dig deep to remind yourself why you’re still with the person. Having kids, the daily domestic drudgery and difficult life events like jobs going wrong etc are really hard on a relationship and I think when you settle it’s much harder to then keep going and remind yourself why you love the person and want to make it work

PolarnOPirate · 10/01/2021 17:52

I have a friend in a similar situation to you, although slightly older, and honestly I am always so tempted to tell her to just make up her mind and settle down. She is quite picky and looking for someone exactly right and it's quite frustrating because that is like looking for a needle in a haystack. I think at some point in all relationships there does come a conscious choice to stick together and get on with things. Having said that, I don't ever advise her to just settle because it's impossible for someone on the outside so know whether that is the right choice or not.

For me, I absolutely adore my husband because he is kind and a wonderful father and hilarious and stable and a whole number of other reasons. We had that whirlwind beginning, but I do remember making a conscious choice to NOT dump him and keep looking for something better.

You need to decide whether you want to keep looking for that perfect needle in the haystack, or settle for a lovely guy who you can have a fun and stable life with starting now. But you describe this one as 'fine and nice' - I'm not sure that would cut it.

Sorry, such a hard one, but I did want to make the point about consciously making a practical choice to get the big things you want (marriage, kids).

Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 17:53

That’s what I’m worried about. 10years down the line we break up and I’m in an even worse position.

OP posts:
Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 17:59

Thanks @PolarnOPirate sounds very similar, And I expect my friends do feel the same however tellingly none of them were particularly surprised or bothered when I broke up with him so maybe they realised he wasn’t the one

OP posts:
Lemonpiano · 10/01/2021 17:59

Generally, I think if you want your life to move forwards it's best not to go backwards.

Separately, I am curious as to what you mean by "perfect partner"?

MMmomDD · 10/01/2021 18:01

OP, it’s a hard one and there is no crystal ball...
Is there ‘love at first sight?’... who knows.
There certainly is ‘list at first sight’ and some of those turn into relationships that last, and some don’t. Of course there are plenty of relationships with ‘the One’ - that later crash and burn.
So - I guess what I am saying, with benefit of a different life stage than you is that there is never certainty in life. And it doesn’t help to expect something very defined - as in a ‘perfect partner’. That person in your head most likely doesn’t exist in real life.

Should you settle? Or, more importantly - what is settling really? That is a question everyone has a different answer to.
Your described life plan - of having fun for 5 years - travelling and enjoying life - is great.
However - a partner that is perfect for that life - may or may not be a partner that is perfect to have kids with. As those lives require different skills really.

Good news is that you are still young and have time to keep looking around. And there is no harm in seeing the guy you dated before. Both of you might have changed - certainly grown up and matured a bit more. And you may find that having a good and solid boyfriend during these crazy times may not be a bad thing.

You don’t need to decide right now if that relationship will last long term - you can just give it a go. What’s there is to lose.

If you were mid 30s now - I’d say definitely go for it if you are certain you want kids. I have seen too many women around me chasing some ‘perfect’ man and ending up childless in late 30s, having IVF kids on their own. And with hindsight - they’d say that at some point of their lives they were too picky and should have not been as inflexible with what they thought they needed.
In the end of the day, no partner is perfect. And what you need in a partner that you want to have kids with is a friendly and reliable companion, someone who shares your values and wants similar things in life for you and your kids. Fireworks and emotional ups/downs of a fairytale romance are great in general in a new relationship, but they don’t make it a long term success in the absence of the other more practical considerations.

Good luck!

RickiTarr · 10/01/2021 18:02

Are you sure you’re waiting for feelings for him? You sound like you like him. Is it big dramatic Disney Feelings that you are waiting for? Orchestras and rainbows?

CocoPark · 10/01/2021 18:06

God no, not at 28! You could meet the right one tomorrow. Anecdotally my cousin was in your boat (minus the ex option and the pandemic), then met her current husband aged 30 and its motored on from there. She was utterly resigned to never finding the One until the day it happened. Appreciate that's no help but you're by no means out the game!

As a side note - do you really need 5 years of married life before children? Surely it's better to have say, 2 carefree years with the right guy, than the full 5 with someone you settled for?

Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 18:06

@Lemonpiano

Generally, I think if you want your life to move forwards it's best not to go backwards.

Separately, I am curious as to what you mean by "perfect partner"?

I would jokingly say ‘tall dark and handsome’ but actually he is all three of those.

Sounds silly but the big thing that’s missing for me is a love/like of dogs. I love dogs, I work with dogs, I have a dog, all my friends have dogs.
He doesn’t hate dogs but he doesn’t care much for them either.

He’s also vegan. He does it for health reasons rather than moral so doesn’t care if I eat meat but I can’t see myself cooking 2 different meals or eating vegan for the rest of my life.

It’s such stupid stuff like that that just stops me imagining spending forever with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 18:11

@MMmomDD and @CocoPark thank you, sensible advice.

I guess I’m just panicking and we spent a nice day together today which has confused me

OP posts:
Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 18:12

@RickiTarr

Are you sure you’re waiting for feelings for him? You sound like you like him. Is it big dramatic Disney Feelings that you are waiting for? Orchestras and rainbows?
When I think about how I feel about him - I love the way he loves me.
OP posts:
Lemonpiano · 10/01/2021 18:15

When I think about how I feel about him - I love the way he loves me.

How would you feel about committing your life to spend with someone who was with you for such... narcissistic reasons?

That's a bit messed up.

B1rdflyinghigh · 10/01/2021 18:17

Never settle or you will find yourself divorced with children further down the line, like I did.

Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 18:19

I didn’t mean it in a narcissistic way. I just meant it was nice having someone love me, be kind to me, want to spend time with me, find me attractive etc

OP posts:
CocoPark · 10/01/2021 18:22

@LochJessMonster that's interesting you say you love how he loves you. I totally understand as I feel like that about my husband. It's a fantastic thing if your other half makes you feel adored. I think it's whether that's your primary reason for being with him?

I actually think if you're just not quite sure, there's certainly no harm in giving a nice guy another chance and seeing if there's a shift in the dynamic. People change, and 3 years later he might surprise you. Give it 3 months, you should have a gut feeling either way.

That said, I wouldn't bother if you already believe he's not the one for you, and you'd only be doing it to avoid being alone. That would be a waste of your precious time. At 28 you CAN afford to be more choosy.

Maca07166 · 10/01/2021 18:28

This sounds cruel to that man sorry, you broke up with him because you couldn’t see yourself spending the rest of your life with him.

Fast forward 3 years and you’re still single and in a slight panic over time because you want kids.

Little does he know that you don’t really feel the same but I’m pretty sure because he loves you if you asked for a baby within 6 months he’d jump at the chance because he thinks you actually love him, after all you are the one who has actually pursued reconnecting with him.

Sorry I find this disturbing that you are playing with his life because you know full well that he loves you.

happylittlechick · 10/01/2021 18:32

Depends on how many kids you want.
What would you regret more living with this man in a somewhat unfulfilling relationship with two kids. Or never having kids but finding your soulmate age 40???

lemonsquashie · 10/01/2021 18:33

No. Don't. Unless you see him again and feel diffeeenr. You're only 28. Why do you have to be with your partner for 5 years before you have a baby? It's really not necessary and your putting pressure on yourself with an unrealistic life plan. I'd say concentrate on enjoying yourself and single life (when you can) focus on you and your cares for the next couple of years and when you meet somebody who is right, you will know

user1471519931 · 10/01/2021 18:35

Remember Pride & Prejudice? Elizabeth's friend settled for Mr Collins... Well, she took a lot of circumstances into account...and well it has a "good" marriage..: I personally think that lots of people settle... good luck

CausingChaos2 · 10/01/2021 18:51

No, definitely don’t settle, especially not at 28. Remove the timescale you’ve put on yourself of being with someone for five years before kids, it’s not necessary, and is probably making you feel you need to act now. Have you tried online dating? It’s a good way to access a large pool of men.

thosetalesofunexpected · 10/01/2021 18:57

Hi Op.
I think its very telling that you can not amagine even attempting to cook a mix of meat/,vegan meal for your Partner even for health reasons in the future..
(Obviously in a relantship both partners should take in turns to do cooking/ or help each out household chores.

And he is not fussed into the idea of caring for dogs but you are

You don't sound as if you are Really into this guy,
you are more into the idea of a perfect romance/ and how he lives up to your idea of Perfection..

gannett · 10/01/2021 19:02

A lot of the time people can second-guess themselves over not feeling what they think love is - Disney fireworks, "The One", all-consuming passion. When in fact long-term love turns out to be much more about solid, day in day out liking each other.

However OP hasn't yet been moved to name a single positive attribute of this guy, or even any attribute at all, and when asked her answer was about herself, not him. OP do you even like him as a person? Are you attracted to him? Enjoy spending time with him? Or is he just a cardboard cutout, a placeholder for you?

So no - don't settle for that. Ideally stop messing him around. You're certainly young enough to meet someone you actually like better, whether there are fireworks or not. And maybe let go of the five-year plan a bit - life doesn't always work out how we think it will.

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