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Original poster

Do I just settle?

63 replies

LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 17:34

I’m not where I thought I would be in life.

3years ago I had a partner. We got on, he liked me, treated me well, made me laugh.
But I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
Not wanting to waste anyone’s time, I broke up with him.

3 years later and at 28years old, I am no closer to finding my perfect partner and the flipping pandemic hasn’t made things easier. I’m sick of being alone.

I want a relationship, marriage and eventually kids. I want a partner that I could enjoy life with, travel and experience things first.
I know I have many child bearing years ahead but ideally I would want to be with my partner for 5years before settling down and having children.
That doesn’t leave me much time.

I have recently reconnected with the guy and been on some socially distanced dates. I know that he would like to get back together.

Do I? He a nice guy. We get on fine. He would treat me nicely.

I’m just not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life and I’m worried.

OP posts:
justwanttobemum · 10/01/2021 19:04

No. You say he loves you etc and you say it would be nice to have someone who loves you etc. Well he deserves to be with someone who wants him and loves him. Don't settle, you're not old and will regret it later

Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 19:11

However OP hasn't yet been moved to name a single positive attribute of this guy, or even any attribute at all, and when asked her answer was about herself, not him. OP do you even like him as a person? Are you attracted to him? Enjoy spending time with him? Or is he just a cardboard cutout, a placeholder for you?

He makes me laugh, the conversation is easy, he is active (like me), he is very good looking, sex is good.

OP posts:
Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 19:12

Or is he just a cardboard cutout, a placeholder for you? but yes, maybe he is just a ‘placeholder’. And that’s not fair on him.

OP posts:
MoChridhe · 10/01/2021 19:16

I don't think you love it care about him. What is so hard about preparing 2 meals if you are sharing a life with someone? He might not even mind preparing his own food. As for the dog, you surely don't need him to love him as much as you do, unless he is cruel to animals which is awful. You don't need to do things together, you can walk the dog while he prepares his vegan dinner 🤷‍♀️

Think about real life. Are you attracted to him, compatible sexually, is he good with money, does he hold down a job, is he dependent on drugs etc.

Sundance2741 · 10/01/2021 19:17

First, you have plenty of time, so no harm in seeing this guy again for a while, but do listen to your gut. It isn't because he doesn't like dogs or is a vegan, those are just things you can articulate about him.

It can be disappointing when a partner doesn't share your interests but maybe you can find joint interests and some things can be enjoyed separately. (Agree dogs don't fall into this category but if you did find the perfect guy and he didn't like dogs, would that really be a sticking point?)

I think the plan for five years pre kids is a bit unrealistic. How do you know 5 years will feel like enough? What if you suddenly get broody but that isn't the plan? I think these things come upon you - I knew when I got married that I didn't want to wait around for kids for any longer, but I spent my entire life prior to that knowing I wanted them without it being that I wanted them NOW.

See how it goes, if he's not the right one, then he isn't (not that I believe in the "one" but you know if it feels right).

MeOldBamboo · 10/01/2021 19:19

Do not settle. It’s coming back to bite me on the bum after 20+ years. I cannot imagine old age bumbling along as we do. It’s frightening the life out of me.

BackwardsGoing · 10/01/2021 19:21

He's not for you. You need deep love to sustain you through the worst periods of life. If you see his veganism and lack of dog enthusiasm as barriers you won't make it through the really tough stuff life throws at you.

Honestly, you are YOUNG. Just relax, enjoy life as much as possible on the circumstances and don't obsess about life going according to some plan. It won't and that's probably okay.

JohnBarron · 10/01/2021 19:22

No because it’s not fair on him. What happens in ten years time when the relationship goes sour and he realises you just settled for him. It would break him. As someone else said the drudgery of a relationship when you’ve got children and you’re exhausted is the part when the love that you both have keeps you going. You’re panicking and essentially saying ‘you’ll do’. Which is shit for him.

Doodallysally · 10/01/2021 19:23

You're only 28 and you're seriously considering settling based on some arbitrary timeline of how much time you want to be in a relationship before kids....

If you're not where you want to be in life, a relationship won't fix it. It will only emphasise the dissatisfaction you feel.

So no you shouldn't settle. You've got to spend 50 odd years with this man, and your selection should be based on more than he fits your self imposed timeline.

Wiredforsound · 10/01/2021 19:36

You’re being really unfair to him. Let him go and give him the opportunity to make someone really happy, to love someone as much as they love him. I would HATE to think my partner had settled for me. Imagine just being someone’s consolation prize.

partyatthepalace · 10/01/2021 19:43

I think if he was the right man the fact he didn’t care about dogs and you might have to do a bit of vegan cooking wouldn’t bother you. You’ve said several times you love that he loves you and then there is a clanging silence where I expect you to say, and I love him or similar.

I don’t think the perfect partner exists but you sound so so lukewarm about this bloke it isn’t true.

A PP said generally if you want to go forward it’s best not to go back and I agree.

You have a wee while to find a partner, so get out there (virtually for now / or as soon as you can) and go find someone who you are exited to be with

ramarama · 10/01/2021 19:44

28 is too young to settle. If you meet someone you love more, you may very well feel you dont' need your full 'five year window' to wait for kids.

You can't force yourself to love someone, and if you try it's unlikely NOT to lead to resentment on his part. However, check you are looking for the right signs of true feelings - can you not date for a few months, making it clear to him you want to take things slowly?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2021 19:54

When I think about how I feel about him - I love the way he loves me.

My ex said this to me while trying to woo me back, as if it was a nice or kind thing to say. It's really not.

OP, you're 28. 28! You don't need to panic and settle. If it feels like settling, it's not the right person.

I was used to drama and intensity and mistook that for love up to just a few years ago. I would have heard a description of the relationship I'm in now and thought it might be 'settling' but fuck me, it isn't!

It's calm, fun, mutual, equal, we laugh every day, we are each other's favourite person, it's great. It's loving and we love each other.

I'm 33. I would have loved a baby in my mid twenties and would probably have married two of my exes had they asked. I'm so relieved I didn't and I'm so glad I've had some extra time to really think about what I want and that is to bring a baby into a genuinely happy, equal and loving relationship.

Because I know that a baby can be such a huge strain on even the strongest of couples, so bringing a new life into the world with someone you feel you've 'settled' with doesn't appeal to me. It feels unfair on everyone involved.

Original poster
LochJessMonster · 10/01/2021 20:02

Thank you, I am reading (and agreeing) with all your posts.

I know it’s not fair which is why I broke up with him the first time.

If I cut ties with him this time I know that that is it. And I guess I’m scared to let that security blanket go. What if no one else likes or loves me.

I do need to readjust my plans. I think I panicked at all my friends getting married and having children and I thought that’s where I should be.

OP posts:
MixMatch · 10/01/2021 20:02

Don't be so presumptuous about kids and your "child-bearing years". It's easy to do because we all live in a consumerist culture in the West where we're used to having 1000 choices and getting what we want, when we want. Children aren't products - they are a blessing, not a given. There are many factors (male/female/joint/unknown) that can affect ability to conceive and keep a pregnancy.

28 isn't super young at all to start trying for kids. Not too long ago it was actually seen as quite old to have your first child. On top of that you also want to wait 5 years with a partner before having kids... if you want to wait that long before having kids at your age, are you sure you definitely want children and a family, rather than just wanting the idea of them?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 10/01/2021 20:08

And I guess I’m scared to let that security blanket go. What if no one else likes or loves me.

That would be such a shitty reason to keep giving him false hope though, wouldn't it?

So he can be your back up...

He deserves to meet someone who is just as in love with him as he is with them.

Don't be that person who makes him miss out on that or neither of you will be happy in a few years anyway.

You're 28, you have time. You just need to date with intent for the best chance of what you want. I'm 33. My partner is clear on my timeline and If for some reason he changes his mind and we don't start TTC later this year (the time he and I would both like to start trying) I'll have no hesitation leaving because it wouldn't work for me and I would rather explore other avenues to becoming a parent.

Settling, knowingly, in your late 20s is a recipe for disaster. Most of the couples I know who 'settled' are even at my age now divorced or unhappy together. Those who were in balanced and happy relationships together in their late 20s are for the most part still together.

lightand · 10/01/2021 20:08

"We get on" seems to be the most you think of him.
I expect you get on with lots of people. You wouldnt marry them though, would you.

MixMatch · 10/01/2021 20:09

I agree with the other posts you don't seem to truly care about him and you should end it so he can find someone who does. You're seeing the relationship only from the perspective of what you can get out of him/use him for, which isn't true love at all. Think about how you would feel if you settled for him, then it turned out you both couldn't have bio children due to male factor infidelity? This can help you figure out how you truly feel about him.

At 28 you will have enough time to find someone else - just date smartly, prioritise guys who are kind not charming, and don't stick with any timewasters.

MixMatch · 10/01/2021 20:10

Sorry that should say 'male factor infertility'

MLM268 · 10/01/2021 20:58

This is a tough one. I'm 34, met a guy OLD 2 years ago. He was lovely, so nice, funny, intelligent. I was hoping for the "perfect" one. And I broke up with him. We remained friends though. Just over a year later I thought do you know what, I love spending time with you, talking to you and you treat me beautifully and asked if he'd be willing to try again. Thankfully he jumped at the chance. I think I've always thought nice and reliable is boring but honestly it's the happiest I've ever been. It's easy. No drama. I know he would never hurt me. I don't want to fireworks or love at first sight. I want someone who I can laugh with, who I can talk to about anything, who I trust completely, and who is amazing in bed Wink. I'm just grateful that in the time apart he didn't meet anywhere else!

coronaway · 10/01/2021 22:24

I actually think it is quite selfish to settle.

Confusedashell12 · 10/01/2021 22:37

You’re far too young to settle

Keep moving forward Flowers

Daisydoesnt · 10/01/2021 22:48

Without sounding big headed, I know he loves me and I would make him happy by being in a relationship with him

OP I don’t mean this to sound horrible, but with that attitude you might make him happy to start with but it certainly won’t last, and after a while you’ll make him very, very unhappy. You are not right for each other - if you were you the idea of him being what you “just settle” for would be unconscionable.

Sn0tnose · 10/01/2021 23:39

You aren’t in love with him and if that hasn’t happened after three years of trying, then I don’t think it ever will. The things about the dogs and the vegan diet sounds like excuses for not being in love with him. But you don’t need an excuse. It’s ok to just not feel that way about him. What is NOT ok is to know that you aren’t in love with him, but to set off down this path with him anyway.

Try and forget about you, just for one minute. Have you considered what a shitty thing it would be for him? To only be your husband because nobody better came along? To be chosen simply because he was the only available option and he fitted in with your life plan? That is a shitty thing to do to someone. Can you keep the pretence up for the rest of your life?

For his sake and for your sake because, let’s be honest, you’ll get to the stage where the thought of him touching you makes your skin crawl and that is a miserable existence, end it now. Forget about your five up year plan. Stop comparing yourself to your friends and make your own life.

Sunflower1970 · 11/01/2021 04:11

At the age of 28 I wouldn’t get back with this guy. You will regret settling. I think you only think you want him because he wants you and there is nobody else on the horizon. Not a good enough reason to sustain a relationship as you have already realized in the past. You both deserve more. Move on and find the right person.