Do I just settle?

[LochJessMonster]

I’m not where I thought I would be in life.

3years ago I had a partner. We got on, he liked me, treated me well, made me laugh.
But I couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him.
Not wanting to waste anyone’s time, I broke up with him.

3 years later and at 28years old, I am no closer to finding my perfect partner and the flipping pandemic hasn’t made things easier. I’m sick of being alone.

I want a relationship, marriage and eventually kids. I want a partner that I could enjoy life with, travel and experience things first.
I know I have many child bearing years ahead but ideally I would want to be with my partner for 5years before settling down and having children.
That doesn’t leave me much time.

I have recently reconnected with the guy and been on some socially distanced dates. I know that he would like to get back together.

Do I? He a nice guy. We get on fine. He would treat me nicely.

I’m just not where I thought I would be at this stage of my life and I’m worried.

I think it depends on what you want. If it’s meeting the perfect man who ticks all the boxes, sweeps you off your feet and gives that rollercoaster feeling. Or if it’s someone you fancy and have good sex with, someone you trust to make the right decisions for you when you can’t, who doesn’t mind when you’re upset or ill in the night and need them, cleans the kitchen and is on first name terms with the household appliances and isn’t mean with money then is worth another go.
I know someone who keeps wanting someone they can really talk to and have meaningful conversations, unfortunately they are still single. I have explained that meaningful conversations mean nothing when children are young and if you manage to discuss what’s going on this weeks Sainsbury’s order you are doing well!

Good god you're 28. I'm 27 and quite horrified that you'd consider settling already or that time is running out. You are so young, just stop panicking.

From my personal experience, please don’t settle. I was in a relationship in my mid 20s where I settled. He was nice, funny, we got on and he really loved me, but I didn’t feel the same about him. After 3 years I met someone else and fell head over heels for him. I really think that because there was a “vacancy” in my heart that my then-DP wasn’t filling, so it was always open to being filled by someone else. I broke up with my DP at 28 and, while things didn’t work out with the other guy, I met my now DH at 32. Nine years on, I couldn’t be happier and that vacancy is most definitely filled! There is no room for anyone else. We’re married with two kids (honestly, forget that 5 year timescale). I will also tell you that I think it would be so hard to get through the daily grind and bringing up kids without mutual love there.

So don’t settle - you don’t know when someone you really love will come along, so don’t cut yourself off from that.

I think if he was the right man the fact he didn’t care about dogs and you might have to do a bit of vegan cooking wouldn’t bother you.

This is a good point because these are non-problems - not even indications of incompatibility. I know plenty of long-term couples and marriages where one party is more into pets than the other or one is vegan and the other a meat-eater.

I think I panicked at all my friends getting married and having children and I thought that’s where I should be.

Social pressure can be a bitch but you need to take a step back from it - what our immediate social circle is doing is not necessarily the norm. A couple of my friends had kids at 28 but the rest of us considered it very early for that. Time is still on your side.

I think the not liking dogs and being vegan are actually quite big things. I nearly left my exh over the dog (wish I had) and it’s really hard to be vegan as I have tried.

I agree with a pp that lots of people settle but in your case as you are only 28, no I wouldn’t.

Thanks everyone. Woken up this morning a bit calmer and definitely agree with what you are all saying.

The vegan thing could be a practical issue if living together, however I think the dog thing is a bit .

Some people develop a love for things if they're close to them. I knew a guy once who wasn't that keen on cats, or he wasn't that sure of them. His girlfriend got a kitten and the next thing you know it he's taking photos of the kitten and sharing them as if they were baby photos, even calling his cat 'my child'. XD This is a guy who didn't particularly want children either at that time. He was smitten by this cat and happily admitted to that. I don't think it's a good approach to apply to everything, and some people really do hate animals (avoid), but if he's in the middle there's hope.

Was it only just that though?? I don't think you enjoyed his company that much if it was only this. Do you have any other interests except for dogs? You might not be able to connect to a man on that level but there might be lots of other things that compensate for it.

“Why do you have to be with your partner for 5 years before you have a baby? It's really not necessary and your putting pressure on yourself with an unrealistic life plan. I'd say concentrate on enjoying yourself and single life (when you can) focus on you and your cares for the next couple of years and when you meet somebody who is right, you will know”

Not RTFT but this jumped out at me, too. You shouldn’t rush into having a baby but I also don’t see why you need to spend 5 years with someone before embarking on parenthood. Unless you’re long distance and spending a lot of time apart, 2-3 years should be long enough to work out whether this is a person to settle down with.

It would be cruel if you to “settle” for your ex. You don’t need love at first sight but you should feel romantic and excited about your life partner. You’re not feeling it with him and you would be preventing him having the chance to find someone who does love him and doesn’t feel like they’re settling. You’re only late 20s - do you want 50/60 years with a man you settled for?

It's also clear that this guy would work really well as a FWB or just-for-now relationship, especially in Covid times. He sounds fine and quite diverting.

But the trouble is he wants more emotionally and you're starting to think longer-term.

Look back on what you had with fondness and mutual respect but you don't need to go back to that well.

I am glad you are feeling calmer .

I actually think it would be very selfish and cruel to this man to "settle" for him.

Let the man find someone who truly loves and appreciates him. If you "take" him, you are depriving him of this opportunity.

Would you want someone to settle for you? Knowing in your heart every day that he thinks you are just ok?

I was going to say ''just be single'' for a while but he does sound as good a partner as I'd ever hope to have. I have to be on my own!

Would he support you emotionally, financially and practically if you wanted to give up your job and retrain?

oh sorry, just seen it's been three years! no, onwards, have more adventures. If you didn't miss this man for three years then you are far, far too young to settle.

If you didn't miss this man for three years that’s very very true and very telling I think.

And I definitely know that this wouldn’t be fair to him.
I have ‘given my head a wobble’ and know I need to move forwards.