Thought bf was cheating, so I did (sort of)

[worrier8]

Please don’t judge me, I already feel like a horrible person. I’ve been up all night worrying about this and I’m not sure what I should do.

Boyfriend of a year and I have had some problems lately, mainly trust issues. He went over to his mates house on Thursday night for a couple of drinks and wouldn’t answer the phone to me the whole time he was there which made me think he might be cheating or doing something shady. We had a huge argument on Friday and he basically dumped me and said we were done. He didn’t deny or admit that he was with another woman so I don’t know for certain what actually happened that night or if there were any women even around at the time. Most of his friends are single and mess around a lot so the possibility is there imo. On Friday night I ended up having a drink in the house, got a bit tipsy and feeling sorry for myself I decided to message an old fwb. The conversation turned flirty/inappropriate quite quickly and as a result I sent nude pics and inappropriate messages. I felt like a piece of shit straight away and asked him to delete the convo and so did I. We haven’t spoken since and I don’t want to ever again.

Ex got back in touch yesterday afternoon to tell me that he was sorry, he promised that he hadn’t been cheating and that he was just trying to have a good night with the lads and that I kept on putting pressure on him to answer the phone. Apparently it annoyed him that I kept on ringing when he just wanted to have a good night and he felt that I didn’t trust him. I love and adore him and can’t imagine being with anyone else. Looking back now I do think I was paranoid and I don’t think he cheated. I want to be with him but I feel like a horrid person for what I’ve done. Should I tell him or just keep this horrible secret to myself? The relationship will 100% be over if I tell him, I’m certain of it. On the other hand I’m not sure I can keep a secret like this, it will eat me up inside looking at him everyday when I know what I’ve done.

I think you need to grow up a bit. You’re not ready for a relationship.

Christ, it's like Jackie magazine, updated version.

Pathetic.

@ZazieSheHer yes I know, I've been very immature and stupid - I don't disagree with you

@AnyFucker

Christ, it's like Jackie magazine, updated version.

Pathetic.

Blue Jeans photo story.

This sounds very immature, not just the inappropriate messages but also the multiple phone calls when your partner was out.

If you don’t trust him then you shouldn’t be having a relationship.

At this point, would you say anything? @ZazieSheHer

Don’t get back together with him and don’t tell him. No point in hurting him. Stay single and do some work on yourself until you are ready to be in a relationship.

With someone else. Not him.

He doesn’t need to know.

As an aside, I hope you’re not in the U.K. if you are it would certainly explain our coronavirus crisis - a fecking night with the lads when we are in a national lockdown!

How old are you? I recall behaving like you when I was in my teens with repetitive calling and the like but I was very insecure in my relationship. It didn’t last.

Scaredykittycat Is there not a snoring emoji on Mumsnet yet? It would be most useful in response to the covid police.

Jackie story from Twinkle reader.

You need to do some serious work on your jealousy issues - that's not magically going to go away if you get back together and it's highly unfair to get back with him in the meantime. He will spend the rest of his life being controlled, because you're too insecure to even let him spend an evening with his friends.

Plus you're a massive hypocrite. So yes, tell him you've cheated on him, let him make the decision about whether to be with you knowing all the facts, then go get some therapy regardless of his decision.

He deserves to know how much of a hypocrite you are. He already seems to know how controlling and possessive you are.

I would absolutely not get back together with him, if I were you. Of he was the right guy for you at the right time for you to be together, you wouldn't have cheated. I wouldn't tell him you cheated either though- all it'd achieve would be potentially making him more paranoid in his next relationship.

Your too immature to even consider being in a relationship, you should give yourself some breathing space.

@AnyFucker

Christ, it's like Jackie magazine, updated version.

Pathetic.

Unnecessary.

I sent nude pics and inappropriate messages. I... asked him to delete the convo

Yeah, he didn’t. Be prepared for that to come back to bite you in the ass.

Don’t get back with him, it doesn’t sound like you’re in the right place mentally for a relationship. Why were you ringing him all the time when he was out with his friends anyway? This would annoy me if I was out too, at least it probably would, almost forgotten what out feels like. Anyway block the other one as well and eat some chocolate

You sound very immature.

Deal with the sending nudes issue first, you have no idea where those photos will end up and this is not a rational reaction when you suspect your boyfriend of cheating.

You are not mature enough for a relationship, I suggest you get a hobby.

You had trust issues, the relationship wasn’t working.

Unnecessary

Nope

You need to not get back with this man. You don't trust him. Also you should work on your relationship boundaries because your behaviour has been appalling.

@AnyFucker

Unnecessary

Nope

I'd weigh in that it was kind of unnecessary, to my mind. I fail to see how calling OP pathetic is helpful (no clue what Jackie magazine is though). Sort of feels like kicking someone when they're down.

@AnyFucker

Unnecessary

Nope

Explain why it was necessary then.

Because all I can see is a comment which helps nobody.

Unless you enjoy being superior to strangers on the internet.

This sounds very immature, not just the inappropriate messages but also the multiple phone calls when your partner was out.

This. You sound controlling and possessive as well as being immature.

If I was with friends and my partner called me repeatedly and assumed I was cheating, it would be such a red flag I would absolutely end the relationship. It's so controlling and unnecessary.

Let alone the fact your go to response to a perceived, unproven betrayal was to get on the phone to an ex fwb and not just flirt but exchange nude messages?!

You need to stop being in relationships and get some counselling to get your jealousy and possessiveness under control before dating again. It's toxic and unfair on others.

Let him go. No need to hurt him further by telling him about what you did.

If you persuade him to stay with you (which I worry you will as controlling people are usually manipulative too) then you should tell him as he has the right to make an informed decision.

You are not in the right headspace to be in a relationship at all.