Thought bf was cheating, so I did (sort of)

[worrier8]

Please don’t judge me, I already feel like a horrible person. I’ve been up all night worrying about this and I’m not sure what I should do.

Boyfriend of a year and I have had some problems lately, mainly trust issues. He went over to his mates house on Thursday night for a couple of drinks and wouldn’t answer the phone to me the whole time he was there which made me think he might be cheating or doing something shady. We had a huge argument on Friday and he basically dumped me and said we were done. He didn’t deny or admit that he was with another woman so I don’t know for certain what actually happened that night or if there were any women even around at the time. Most of his friends are single and mess around a lot so the possibility is there imo. On Friday night I ended up having a drink in the house, got a bit tipsy and feeling sorry for myself I decided to message an old fwb. The conversation turned flirty/inappropriate quite quickly and as a result I sent nude pics and inappropriate messages. I felt like a piece of shit straight away and asked him to delete the convo and so did I. We haven’t spoken since and I don’t want to ever again.

Ex got back in touch yesterday afternoon to tell me that he was sorry, he promised that he hadn’t been cheating and that he was just trying to have a good night with the lads and that I kept on putting pressure on him to answer the phone. Apparently it annoyed him that I kept on ringing when he just wanted to have a good night and he felt that I didn’t trust him. I love and adore him and can’t imagine being with anyone else. Looking back now I do think I was paranoid and I don’t think he cheated. I want to be with him but I feel like a horrid person for what I’ve done. Should I tell him or just keep this horrible secret to myself? The relationship will 100% be over if I tell him, I’m certain of it. On the other hand I’m not sure I can keep a secret like this, it will eat me up inside looking at him everyday when I know what I’ve done.

Children playing at relationships.

It shouldn’t be this much hassle and drama. After a year why are you having issues?

Don’t get back together with him. Stay single for a bit. Next time it’s all getting a bit shit with someone walk away straight away instead of getting sucked into angst and unhappiness. Being in a relationship should make life easier and brighter.

How old are you op? I’m assuming very young. Yes there is a high chance he has not deleted them. In fact it’s highly likely he has not.

On a macro level, don’t be sending peoooe naked pics of yourself. They will come back and bite you at some point. It’s highly stupid behaviour.

Secondly you shouldn’t be in a relationship if you can’t cope and behave like you do. You need to take some time to grow up because you’re not emotionally mature enough. You behave controlling, panicky, needy, risky, etc, it’s really just like a fifteen year old who doesn’t know how to have a relationship.

Time to take some time uo and grow up.

Your bf was probably taking drugs.

Your fwb has not deleted the pics.

Your both too immature for a relationship. Unless you are indeed 16?

@Morgan12

Your bf was probably taking drugs.

Eh?! Absolutely no evidence of this at all. Zilch.

OP has admitted by the content of her first and following posts that she is controlling, jealous and possessive. Id want time with my mates too if I was him and would also be angry if my partner kept calling me and assumed I was cheating.

Why on earth are you assuming he was taking drugs?

There are some really nasty responses on this thread, alongside the more constructive ones. You know, people, you don't actually HAVE to reply to a thread, especially if all you have to say is a sneery put-down.

You both clearly have issues in the relationship regardless of what you did. Think it's best you stay split.

Op said 'cheating or doing something shady' insinuating her bf is the type to do so. I doubt the friends had a few women lined up waiting for him, so probably drugs.

Most likely taking cociane and lost track of time. Didn't think through the consequences of not answering his phone etc.

The reason you don't trust him? Because you can't be trusted yourself.

You need to break up and work on yourself, grow up and when you are ready look for a relationship with trust and maturity.

I don't blame him for dumping you for continuously calling while he's out.

Why does it matter?he “ dumped you “
What you do when you’re free and single isn’t any concern of his.
I would walk away from him if you have trust issues and have some time alone.

Unless you're not in the UK why is you're bf with the lads we are in a pandemic. You both need to grow up. Reminds me of that movie after we collied, completely unhealthy relationship.

Keep the secret. It's your issue, don't make it his. You were on a break, so what you did isn't relevant to this relationship. And grow up.

@Morgan12

Op said 'cheating or doing something shady' insinuating her bf is the type to do so. I doubt the friends had a few women lined up waiting for him, so probably drugs.

Most likely taking cociane and lost track of time. Didn't think through the consequences of not answering his phone etc.

I think that's a massive stretch.

There shouldn't be 'consequences' to not answering your phone when you're busy and with friends, especially if you're not answering someone who is controlling and possessive.

I would be surprised if you thought a woman who didn't answer her phone to her controlling, possessive boyfriend deserved 'consequences' of any kind. Including him immediately getting on the phone to a past shag and sending dick pics.

If this is how OP operates - being jealous and controlling in general, which it sounds like - it's no wonder he wanted some time with his friends.

I don't see why he wouldn't answer the phone to you!! If I was out and my boyfriend called or messaged, I'd reply with something like love you and see you in a few hours or tomorrow or something. Or a quick message about my friends or something.

Unless he was a jealous prick like my ex.

What you did wasn't nice but I think you were protecting yourself a bit there. You're either insecure because of your sense of self worth or because he makes you feel insecure.

If you're possessive and he got fed up then work on yourself. If you're not but he makes you feel insecure with his treatment of you then think about this relationship.

Forget about the sexting and don't do it again.

OMG, there a lot of horrible people here who have never made a serious or stupid mistake in their lives.
I would like to know though if you are in the UK, because your boyfriend's behaviour in mixing with his friends is totally unacceptable during a pandemic like this - in fact I am struggling to think of any Country in the World where that would be ok at the moment. So whether he cheated on you or not, it shows that he is not exactly mature in some of the most important choices he will ever make.
Putting aside his stupidity/selfishness in mixing with friends, it would have been sensible to reply to one of your earlier texts that evening, saying that he was fine, but he just needed some "quality" time with his friends, so he would appreciate it if you stopped texting him that night.
You know that you didn't handle that evening well, but it is part of your learning curve, but I find it hard to condemn you for the way you behaved the following evening, just after being "dumped". The devastation some of us can feel when dumped, whether we are 16 or 60, can lead us to very uncharistic behaviour on our parts, sometimes even attempted, or very sadly, successful, suicide.
So you reacted in a less than ideal manner, did something you very much regret, something that you have hopefully learned a (needed?) lesson from. If you could just shrug it off now, because you didn't technally cheat, then maybe you could have a talk with your boyfriend about how you can both manage going forward to treat each other with respect and trust, if that doesn't seem possible, then hopefully you will both realise that you need to split up and can do so amiably. However, if you know that you can't keep what you did secret from your boyfriend, then try and talk at a calm time, and see if he is willing to work with you to try and take your relationship to a more loving and respectful one, on both sides.

I can see why if they are both young and he just wanted a night with his mates he wouldn’t want to be on the phone to her. It also sounds like she called a lot. She doesn’t say why she wanted to speak to him. And why a quick “have fun “ text didn’t do it.

I think this is teenagers pretending to be grown ups in a relationship. The ops not come back to state her age.

What’s worrying me is a young person sending naked photos. How has the message not got out that this is not to be done? How do some young peoooe still not know this?

Op. Do you have parents about? Any adults who can provide you with support and guidance?

I would like to know though if you are in the UK, because your boyfriend's behaviour in mixing with his friends is totally unacceptable during a pandemic like this

It’s sadly more common with the sort of sixteen seventeen age group than we would like to think.

It appears to me that you're insecure and because of that jealous and controlling. I don't know what automatically made you assume he must have been cheating, and I don't know if he's done something in the past to make you not trust him. However, if I was with a friend and my partner kept calling me I'd lose my shit. I think you should be honest with him as guarantee the ex FWB hasn't deleted the pictures.

I really do hope you’re not in the U.K. but the colloquiums suggest you are and if that’s the truth not only do you need to grow up and move on from this relationship but you haven’t even recognised the fact that there could be people on here who have lost loved ones to Covid and you’ve not even given it a second thought about how your BF has been so ignorant to the chaos and tragedy that is currently happening on your doorstep. That would be what would upset me about this situation, not him not answering his phone to me.

You don't trust him so why do you want to be with him?

On another note, I have never had a nude pic 'come back to haunt me' in my life. Not that I've been dishing them out left right and centre or anything but sending pics is a fun thing to do for some couples.

Also, the household mixing thing... you're awfully naive if you think there's not a hell of a lot of it going on and it's definitely not just teenagers. 😂

@Bl3ss3dm0m

I have done some pretty stupid things in my time. Thankfully there was no internet so no naked selfies.

However...the 'young' are supposed to be all tech-savvy and us oldies clueless. So surely they know, once it's out there you have absolutely no control over what happens to it (whatever 'it' happens to be). So why the hell people do something so monumentally stupid completely escapes me.

As to the rest of it. He was on a night out with his mates. She shouldn't have been checking up on him. He did absolutely nothing wrong and frankly, he's better off out of it.

The OP needs to grow up considerably before going out with anyone else.

I love and adore him, this secret will eat me up inside

This is all far too dramatic. All the angst! You don't know each other that well, it's early days and not a secure relationship if you can break up after one argument. You flirted with someone on the phone? That's hardly a secret that will destroy you is it?

Stop being so intense. Be grateful you don't have any actual problems in your life.

I have to agree with offside this is the third thread I've read in the space of an hour today with casual reference to lots of household mixing/casual sex where it's not even registered with the Op that this behaviour is irresponsible in a pandemic. No recognition from the op this will be badly received on a public forum.

I'm as sick as anyone of Covid vigilante posters trying to police people's every move, or complaining about a perceived "non essential trip" but come on, this is another level. How depressing.

Op if you want to give it another go with him then you're not going to be dissuaded by strangers on the internet telling you that you are too immature.

So have a calm think about this. Did you really overreact to him just going for a few drinks or was it in fact warranted and your relief that he is talking to you again colouring your view?

Whatever the answer, your relationship as it was was not working well. If you both decide to give it another go then one or both of you needs to change. It is not healthy to be so upset you are phoning him multiple times, he is breaking up with you and you are then vengefully sexting another guy.

Personally I would respond

"I appreciate I annoyed you Thursday night (and either apologise and take responsibility by offering to work on your insecurities OR explain that his actions led to it) but it is not on for you to dump me on Friday then change your mind 48 hours later and expect me to come running back.

At least this way you've highlighted that the relationship was over as far as you are concerned. No need to confess anything. If he asks you about it say you were single and you won't be sharing any details with him, he either accepts that or he doesn't.

As with all painful experiences, I would say make this work for you. Learn from it. In my experience, the most painful lessons tend to be the most useful ones.

We don’t really know enough to know whether your trust issues are justified. I think it’s a bit odd that he didn’t answer his phone once but on the other hand if there was no emergency requiring his attention why should he have to? I’m early 50s - when I was dating mobile phones didn’t exist and neither did the internet so we didn’t expect to be in touch as much as people are now. It may be that he needed some space from you because you tend to hassle him when he’s out. Or it may be he wanted to flirt and pass himself off as single while with his mates. Either way, you ringing will just irritate him. It was time away from you and he’s allowed time away from you just as you’re allowed time away from him.

Your reaction to him dumping you was unhelpful to you. Next time you’re hurt, don’t rush to another guy to get fixed. Feel the hurt and talk to your female friends. Watch a boxset. Eat ice cream. Pamper yourself.

In the end, there are no guarantees. When you enter into a relationship, you open yourself up to the possibility of being hurt. But it’s worth it because for most people the pain of never having a relationship would be much greater and sadder than the transient pain of a relationship breakdown.

I think this story has to be a wind up. Why would someone be as immature as to send nude pics while she was also,harassing her boyfriend when he was having an evening with his friends?