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Original poster

Feeling deflated

51 replies

ActiveAgent · 09/01/2021 22:47

I'm mid 40's divorced and I've been in a 2 year relationship with someone I've known all of my life and our families remained very close although I moved away so had only sporadic contact. Seemed great and he's a lovely man and has been really romantic and loving. He's in a bubble with me so every weekend he has bed and breakfast (actually full English, and a Sunday roast:) ) then back to work. Over new year there was some facetime chit chat where someone mentioned marriage light heartedly but he was immediately oh no that's not happening etc...I found it insulting to be honest. As if he was a catch and I was some desperado he didn't want getting the wrong idea. I let it lie but I could feel it irking me and I don't like to become passive aggressive so I mentioned it a week or so later. He told me it's not on the cards as "it has to mean something" and that he does believe in it but only if you find the right person but that he loves me so he's no longer looking. Now this sounds very pragmatic but all along he has been so romantic to the extent where I had thought he was kind of getting off on the romance and being such a sensitive soul that it did feel sometimes that it was a lot of words and also more about him enjoying a great romance while I did all the caring things like coffee in bed, cooking lovely meals, making plans to boost him over lockdown. I do feel deflated and a bit of a mug! Now I feel like I want to ask the reasons why not and where this is going...but then I do feel like a desperado. So...do I sound like one?

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 22:54

You don’t sound desperate but you and boyfriend are at cross purposes
He doesn’t want to get married to you, he’s told you this.So be clear on what he’s saying
If you want to be married, date a mn who wants to be married to you

BTW marriage is not the zenith of a relationship but if for you it’s a deal breaker dont plod along with him

Original poster
ActiveAgent · 09/01/2021 23:01

It's more that he has been building it up so much and that he said he would get married if he found the right person. It just doesn't tie in with the romance, the poetry and general way he talks of this great love we have. Like bloody John and Yoko or something

OP posts:
seensome · 09/01/2021 23:03

Only if he finds the right person, charming!
Wish him all the best.

tattiehat · 09/01/2021 23:04

I don't blame you for feeling deflated, I would feel exactly the same in your situation.

He is basically telling you that you're OK for now but not for ever!

I think you need to have it out. You don't sound like a desperado at all, you both need to be on the same page.

Original poster
ActiveAgent · 09/01/2021 23:04

Very sound advice though Heels...

OP posts:
QuantumQuality · 09/01/2021 23:04

This man has told you he believes in marriage but he doesn’t want to marry you. Why is your self esteem so low that you’d even consider staying in a relationship with him?

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 23:04

I don’t meant to be blunt he’s clearly telling you,you’re not the one. He’s probably strung you along as it suits
You’re kind considerate and attentive to him, that’s pretty appealing he’s not going to knock that back. However he’s clearly shown his intentions and how he feels

Cantpickausername5 · 09/01/2021 23:05

Just to clarify.. He said he is open to marriage but not with you? Only if he found the right person.. ergo.. Not you? Have I read that right?

AbbeyBelfast · 09/01/2021 23:08

"Well... I hope you find the woman you DO want to marry! Close the door on your way out and take your poetry with you ;)"

Original poster
ActiveAgent · 09/01/2021 23:15

Yes...he's mid 50's and talks nostalgically about what could have been which also pisses me off. Actually had to ask him nicely to quit as I felt he was in love with my younger self rather than me now! He's very sentimental and romantic but now it doesn't ring true at all. I don't think he's trying to con me or anything, just that I think the romance is all for his sake and not for mine. A good example was once I was up making a buffet breakfast on a cottage break while he lay in bed telling me, hey Active thanks for the 2nd coffee...I've been lying here totally blissed out thinking how in love with you I am. I did say ah lovely... an easy way to prove it...make me coffee in the morning!! Banter but to be honest I kind of meant it. I made that point exactly...so I'll do for now then but he says he won't be looking. Also I run a business which is in the hospitality sector so is shut down. He said a few weeks ago...well I'm not sure exactly what your business is but hopefully it will bounce back...WTH? I was shocked and started to suspect disinterest but then he is so extremely attentive...must say I'm confused

OP posts:
Original poster
ActiveAgent · 09/01/2021 23:20

I mean I was shocked he didn't seem to know what my business is...It's my own business, I started it and talk about it a lot...

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 23:21

He’s a chancer, he’s got a good deal with you and he got caught out by a dose of honesty
It’s not about him.you don’t have to passively accept his bluster.
What are you going to do? what do you want?
Ps he won’t change, don’t do that love of a good woman will sort him out sentimental rubbish

FuglyBitch · 09/01/2021 23:25

He sounds like a selfish man

Melange99 · 09/01/2021 23:30

Just an average tosser who thinks he is a prize catch. I would love to know where they get their massive amounts of self esteem from, and is there a way of putting in it women who are so far above them but who don't realise it.

Original poster
ActiveAgent · 09/01/2021 23:32

I did think we were lucky to have found each other and that being together long term was a done deal. We have good fun together, don't argue or fall out. And honestly I felt he was really into me and loved up which maybe he is but has some reason to not want to marry me. I'm not arsed about marriage but who would say that and think it's not only ok but that the "romance" will be unaffected. I wish I'd blustered back and said whoooah! no fuck that!! but now I just feel like shit to be honest...and that I'd rather invest my time in my business and my family than in this...sad times though. Honestly it was good enough to feel loved but now I feel like as if he thinks he's Mr Darcy and that I'm in a nineteenth century novel hoping he'll cave. To be honest I'll probably try to get beyond my ego and reassess the whole thing. Just pisses me off that he hasn't said anything reassuring apart from he won't be looking elsewhere.

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 23:35

Christ get shot of him, as @Melange99 beautifully puts it “average tosser”

Original poster
ActiveAgent · 09/01/2021 23:36

loving all your replies...Grin

Sure he'll be wishing he had played it differently when he has no one to be chief bottle washer and arse wiper in his old age...I'll leave that honour to "the one"

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 23:38

Get him to fuck
Go date a decent man who’s not bullshitter

BlueThistles · 09/01/2021 23:40

He landed right on his feet with you didn't he OP.. a few romantic words and gestures and you're running around making him breakfast in bed and Sunday roasts .. soothing his ego... setting him up for the week... but your not good enough to marry.. because he hasn't found The One.. whatever the hell that means but you will do .. for now.. he has settled ... nice 😏

I'd be dumping his selfish cheeky fucker ass fast ...

you sound too kind OP and he's took the piss 🌺

Honeyroar · 09/01/2021 23:41

He does sound like he’s all words and no gestures. It also sounds like you’re doing a lot of the running round making breakfast and roasts while he feeds you a few lines. He sounds like he’s starting to really knock your sense of importance too - he doesn’t want to marry you, he can’t even remember what your business is.. This is not the wonderful romantic man you’ve got in your head. I think your rose coloured glasses are coming off.

Original poster
ActiveAgent · 09/01/2021 23:41

Honestly thanks all of you...if it wasn't lockdown I'd ask you to give me a kick up the arse in person...defo needed one. Always thought Mr Darcy was a prick

OP posts:
HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 23:43

selfish cheeky fucker ass ⬅️ haha yes

HeelsHandbagPerfumeCoffee · 09/01/2021 23:43

Look at least you’ve found out, he’s got a total brass neck btw

billy1966 · 09/01/2021 23:48

Jesus Christ, tosser is right.

What a user.

I am so sorry OP, but his slip of the tongue has told you the truth.

What exactly does he do for you?
Because it sounds as if he is away for a lovely gourmet weekend until he finds something that suits him better.

2 years, he's wasting your time.

He sounds so vain and full of himself.

A full breakfast and roast every weekend.🙄

Have a good hard think but you feel deflated because your gut is telling he is a waster of your time.

Listen to your gut.
He doesn't deserve you.Flowers

RandomMess · 09/01/2021 23:50

Yep actions speak far louder than words!!

He's all talk and zero action...