Feeling deflated

[ActiveAgent]

I'm mid 40's divorced and I've been in a 2 year relationship with someone I've known all of my life and our families remained very close although I moved away so had only sporadic contact. Seemed great and he's a lovely man and has been really romantic and loving. He's in a bubble with me so every weekend he has bed and breakfast (actually full English, and a Sunday roast:) ) then back to work. Over new year there was some facetime chit chat where someone mentioned marriage light heartedly but he was immediately oh no that's not happening etc...I found it insulting to be honest. As if he was a catch and I was some desperado he didn't want getting the wrong idea. I let it lie but I could feel it irking me and I don't like to become passive aggressive so I mentioned it a week or so later. He told me it's not on the cards as "it has to mean something" and that he does believe in it but only if you find the right person but that he loves me so he's no longer looking. Now this sounds very pragmatic but all along he has been so romantic to the extent where I had thought he was kind of getting off on the romance and being such a sensitive soul that it did feel sometimes that it was a lot of words and also more about him enjoying a great romance while I did all the caring things like coffee in bed, cooking lovely meals, making plans to boost him over lockdown. I do feel deflated and a bit of a mug! Now I feel like I want to ask the reasons why not and where this is going...but then I do feel like a desperado. So...do I sound like one?

I had an ex come round and knock on the door and declare undying love, was excruciatingly awful, especially when he said 'if you don't come back, who will look after me?'
I took my cue and said 'That's not my problem , I'm not coming back' and shut the door

What strikes me from your posts is less the marriage issue than the fact that you’re trotting around feeding him while he lies in bed paying the occasional compliment, but being absolutely horrified on the one occasion it was suggested you might expect marriage from him. I’d be asking yourself whether you have positioned yourself as the ‘service provider’ of the relationship?

You deserve more.

Thanks Billy...the nice food has become a lockdown habit I guess, to make the best of things. I like to host but CBA this weekend as I felt a cough coming on so no B&BJ. He mentions how he'd be treating me to great meals out at his fave restaurants and to be fair he did use to but that's not where we are now...so true intention or not, it is just words. I avoided eat out to help out so it's been a while :) I'm just venting now but the other week I gave him a sandwich and he looked around kind of shocked for a cuppa that wasn't there...I made a joke about it and started taking the piss but he thought I was being cruel...sensitive chap

That should say...SO I felt a cough coming on...also when you have this bubble thing you kind of feel obliged to see the person who otherwise is in an empty house so I guess covid has contributed to a year of this relationship...as well as a big gap during the first lockdown when I was probably polishing up those rose tinted lenses

OMG Ariela...hope he made it through

Guess you're busy next Saturday night? Or if he's any good in bed, kick him out when you're finished and tell him you've stopped doing B&B.

What are you going to do about this OP 🌺

I'm offended on your behalf!!!

This man should be trying to woo you. Talk is cheap. Poetry indeed! Pah! He probably fancies himself as a sensitive literary type and you are falling for it hook line and sinker.

I've had a couple of boyfriends like this - I was ok but was never 'the one'. It ruined my self esteem. Men like this are selfish, particularly when they treat women who they know are looking for a long term relationship, like this.

You are treating him like you are his inferior. In a new relationship, both people should be trying to impress each other. They should be trying to show each other what they mean to each other. That involves listening and taking an active interest in the other person's conversation too.

Step up and don't allow your kind nature to be taken in by his sudden misgivings when you show him the door!

God what a tosser he is. At his age who does he think some young woman will come into his life who will be good enough to marry in his eyes? He has some brass neck. I tell him where to go because you deserve so much better than him.
Believe me your not the only woman in her 40's dealing with a male and his large ego.
One of my friends has an ex who got back in contact with her. She does not live in the UK. They had chatted online a few times and then he started sex texting her. He then asked her if they could meet up in her house for some sex. Due to covid lockdowns this has yet to happen or at least that what he thinks. My friend has been leading him on. He turned my friend down a few years previously for his partner and now has a young child with his partner.
My friend has no intention of getting in a fwb situation with him. She won't offer him a way out of his current relationship either.
She said to me I may be single but I deserve better than a fwb situation with him or be there if his current relationship ends.

So to get this straight;he'd like to get married but your not the "right person" and it wouldn't "mean something" if he married you?

Your basically an extended "friends with benefits" who treats him to B&B in their home every weekend.Someone thinks he's got himself a sweet deal doesn't he?

I'd suddenly start to become unavailable at weekends.You owe this dickhead nothing.

OP a suggestion. Stop bantering about things that you're serious about. Ask assertively. E.g., "Tomorrow morning I'm having a lie in and I'd like you to bring me coffee/breakfast in bed".
If he's offended by this, run a mile, he's not worth it.

The sandwich and the cup of tea tells you a lot OP.

He's using you for the comforts you are providing.

Selfish twat.

Throw him back.

You deserve better

Have you spoken to him OP? It sounds like you enjoy 'hosting' - in a nice way - due to your business choice. But he has taken advantage of this, he should have been offering other 'help' if you're cooking him meals etc, he could have been doing some maintenance or repairs or bought shopping or whatever. It sounds like all he has needed to do is turn up and he gets the full hotel treatment. Does he live locally to you? Could he not host you at his sometimes?

He’s stopped looking OP, but what if she/ the one fell into his lap, what then? I’d kick him to the kerb for that comment.

If I read that correctly, he did said his bit about definitely not getting married in front of someone else? That is simply bloody rude.

Nobody thinks you've come across desperate, OP, 2 years is long enough to expect someone to decide whether they're serious longer term and his romantic chatter has been shown up as ringing pretty hollow. He is enjoying the good life with you but is pretty quick to put you in your place by claiming you're not the one, or that he hasn't been paying attention to what your business is about. That sounds cruel to me and as though he enjoys bolstering your feelings of romance and security and subsequently knocking them down.

Look, you've enjoyed having his company over lockdown and being able to share your wonderful cooking skills and caring nature so try not to begrudge him the past, but definitely you should be clear eyed about what his intentions really are because he has spelt them out.

'Not looking for the one' doesn't mean he isn't alert to someone who may be it. It just probably means he isn't online anymore or whatever. He's been pretty clear how he views your relationship and sweet talk is very cheap indeed. I know it is hard during lockdown but knowing what you now know, do you really want to be entertaining his false claims of intimacy any longer?

There is a big difference between “marriage isn’t important to me for xx reason” and “marriage is something I would only consider with the right person” I don’t think it comes across as desperation on your pet to suggest you are both coming at the relationship from different perspectives and that it might be time to draw it to a close. After all, he’s wasting time a little with you, and that seems a bit silly doesn’t it? Would be my approach to it with him!

Can he not host you at his OP?

I think you can see you have made so much effort and he is wallowing in the care and attention like he is going to a hotel every weekend (who wouldn’t want that?) but when it comes down to it, you are not ‘the one.’ I’m not surprised it feels like a kick in the teeth.

I don’t think this relationship was going to last however much he has enjoyed the fuss. It was all temporary and one day he might meet someone who is ‘the one.’

Urgh he sounds like an ex of mine. I’d known him at school and I don’t know if that made me overlook his flaws when we got together in our 40s.
Looking back he was in charge of everything, when we saw each other, what we did, he drained me emotionally supporting him with everything and getting nothing back from him. I let him dictate what we did as it was usually things I liked so I didn’t mind so much at the time.
He was lovey dovey at times then other times dismissive of any future. It was confusing. When he ended it in the cruelest way I’ve ever experienced, he actually said ‘you knew I didn’t want a relationship’ and actually denied we’d been in one for a year!
This thing your DP has said about marriage is his get out. When he decides he’s had enough and ends things he’ll remind you what he said so that your upset is your own fault for not ‘understanding’ him.
I’m an independent intelligent sensible woman and I came out of my relationship hurt, confused, drained and feeling totally stupid. I don’t know why all my instincts disappeared at the time, probably because I’d known him such a long time so felt I knew him properly. I didn’t at all. He was an emotional leech who gave the impression of being all lovely and reasonable but was actually manipulative and selfish. I’d throw your fish back in the water.

What's the plan then OP?

You can't stay with someone so bloody selfish and rude. He sounds like a prick.

I always thought Mr Darcy was a wanker too!

If this was me he'd be dumped instantly. You aren't special enough for him to marry but you'll do for now. Fuck that. He even goes to the trouble of making sure everyone knows this on social media just in case anyone gets the outrageous idea he might want to marry you. What a prick.

Has he messaged you that he’s missing his full English brekkie and where are his Yorkshire puddings, yet?