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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice for divorcing SAHM

66 replies

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 09:32

My best friend is divorcing her alcoholic husband and it’s turned nasty. He’s self-employed (perhaps that’s not the right way of saying it, he’s not a tradesman, he has his own multi-million pound business) and he’s told her she won’t get a penny from him because he’s hidden everything. She’s distraught. He’s refusing to send any money to her at all, everything is in his name.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 09:33

Sorry posted too soon. She’s in a right mess - I’ve suggested calling Women’s Aid, any idea what to advise her? I don’t know what she should be doing. She’s seeing a divorce lawyer but says she doesn’t have the money to keep doing their (or even just feed herself and kids) as he’s stopped her accessing anything.

OP posts:

FippertyGibbett · 09/01/2021 09:33

Has she spoken to a solicitor ?

Original poster

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 09:34

She has started divorce proceedings but says it’s taking every penny she has and doesn’t know if she can afford to continue.

OP posts:

FippertyGibbett · 09/01/2021 09:35

Does she own her home, is her name on the deeds ?
Does her hubby have a personal pension ?
Does she have a personal bank account ?
Does she have a joint account with him ?
Does she know of any bank accounts that he has in his name only ?

BornIn78 · 09/01/2021 09:37

Your friend would be better posting here herself, in Legal, where she can answer everyone’s questions and hopefully get some legal advice.

Original poster

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 09:41

Yes she should probably post herself, not sure if she would. I was just looking for any advice I can pass on. She has her own bank account and everything else is in his name! I asked her how she did anything, she said the bank cards are in his name and she just uses his accounts day to day. She had her own account but rarely used it, never saw an issue as they’re married. Their house is rented (it’s a mega house and they’re in process buying a piece of land to build a mega mega house on but obviously that won’t happen now). It’s rented in his name solely and he’s moved out and is now renting another huge place nearby. He’s sayi he won’t pay her rent anymore. She’s honestly distraught.

OP posts:

Original poster

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 09:41

I don’t know anything about his pensions, will ask her.

OP posts:

Mindymomo · 09/01/2021 10:08

If the house she is in, is in his name, he is responsible for the rent. So she is safe there for a while. If he does stop paying the rent, she should get notice when to leave. She really needs to speak to Solicitor quickly. Solicitor may do work and not need paying until settlement.

classiestgal · 09/01/2021 10:09

Women’s aid. Rights for women.

bluegovan · 09/01/2021 10:12

How old is she? How old are the children? I'm asking because it has an impact on how easy it would be for her to earn a living, and how much being a SAHM has affected her career and pension provision.

classiestgal · 09/01/2021 10:13

If they’ve separated she needs to call the benefits office and put in a claim for universal credit. How on Earth has she let it get to this?

FippertyGibbett · 09/01/2021 10:15

Can you still get points towards your old age pension when you’re a SAHM ?
Sorry, don’t remember what it’s called but I know I got it.

Original poster

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 10:15

She’s 35, was cabin crew for a few years pre-wedding. Hasn’t worked in years. Three children ages 6, 3 and 18 months. 6 year old is in private school paid by the dad, other two at home full time. 6 year old is obv at home too at the moment though.

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classiestgal · 09/01/2021 10:15

Also, today child maintenance claim. Does she have any family who can lend her money. She can’t stay in a massive house paying huge rent. She needs to move into a small apartment as cheap as she can find. Has she got anyone who will lend her rent money or act as guarantor. She really needs advice on benefits and housing benefit

Original poster

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 10:16

@classiestgal yes this is what I’m needing advice on, she doesn’t think she’s entitled to anything because he earns too much but she’s got no money at all?!

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classiestgal · 09/01/2021 10:17

The last thing to worry about right now is pension. How much rent is her current place costing per month. The first concern is getting her secure financially

classiestgal · 09/01/2021 10:18

Tell her to keep copies of all messages. Especially the ones where he’s said he’s hidden the money. Can she move in with family?

Original poster

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 10:21

I think she’ll have to move in with her parents if he does actually stop paying the rent on their current place. It’s such a big mess. She can’t possibly fund her lifestyle as it is - it’s not right him living on that other massive house and getting by her and the kids kicked out of their current home though. Horrible!!

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classiestgal · 09/01/2021 10:24

Ok. 1) they’ve split up. She is now officially a single mum. He is renting somewhere else. His earnings no longer matter as they are no longer together. She needs to put in a claim TODAY.
2) she needs to forward copies of any abusive messages to her solicitor. Women suffering DV get legal fees paid. If her solicitor won’t do that she needs to find one who will. To be honest her solicitor should have done all this benefit advice for her. I’m thinking she needs a different one
3) if DV is involved she might be able to get any child maintenance claims free. So they collect on her behalf free of charge. Whoever she speaks to she needs to say “I am being domestically abused and I need to get divorced and he is making it hard and I need help” this is severe financial and emotional abuse.
4) she puts in a claim for child benefit TODAY

She needs universal credit, housing support. Ring the council get on the emergency housing list. Again state severe DV. Make it clear to your friend that she is now single/separated and needs to state that. She needs to tell anyone she speaks to she needs help.

classiestgal · 09/01/2021 10:24

Look at the gingerbread website for single parents. There is help on there. Call any helplines you can find. Call the council on Monday

classiestgal · 09/01/2021 10:26

No it’s not right but it’s not time to think about those things. It’s now time to kick into problem solving mode. If he’s not paying the rent and she has parents move. Today. Then she gets all her benefits sorted. Then she finds a solicitor who waived the fees due to DV

SconesJamthenCream · 09/01/2021 10:31

A forensic accountant will help find anything squirrelled away but a good solicitor will help with that.

Original poster

Kroebero · 09/01/2021 10:31

@classiestgal that’s really helpful advice, thank you! I will tell her all of that

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LannieDuck · 09/01/2021 10:39

If she's still in the family house and he's moved out... is there any chance he's left his paperwork behind? She needs to get stuck into it and take careful records of how much he has and where.

C0NNIE · 09/01/2021 10:41

Look up his name or his company name here

find-and-update.company-information.service.gov.uk/

You or your friend can download the accounts for his company.

Check that your friend isn’t a director and / or shareholder at his company ( it’s a good thing if she is ).

I know you say he’s self employed but it’s very unlikely that a “multi million pound business” isn’t a limited company.

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